Fic: Guise, 1/1

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

Guise

By kalimyre

Rating: R

Pairing: Ryan/Colin

Summary: Some things, people don't want to know. And some things they know and pretend they don't.

Notes: This was my Valentine fic for knowyourlips and I figured I'd post it, since this seems to be Valentine fic posting day. It was intimidating like whoa writing for her, so I hope this story turned out to be something she liked.

~~~

Ryan was on his way out the door when the phone rang, and he very nearly didn’t answer it at all, but not a lot of people had his home number and those that did were all important. He sighed, threw his jacket over the back of a chair, and scooped the phone up. “Hello?”

There was quiet for a long moment, and then, softly, “Hey, Ryan.”

Ryan blinked and shook his head. “Colin?” He paused, and chuckled. “Didn’t know you even knew how to use a phone.”

“Oh, shut up, smartass,” Colin replied, but his voice was warm and rich, without the slightest bite. “The fact that I never call you only speaks to my good judgment.”

Ryan plopped on the couch and grinned widely, his errand already forgotten. “Sure, Col. Sure. So what’s up?”

“Eh,” Colin said, and Ryan could picture him shrugging. “Not a lot. I’m in town and I wondered if you wanted to do something.”

“You’re in L.A.? What for?”

“Couple auditions,” Colin said vaguely. “Nothing much, but I’ll be here a while and I remembered you’d be here for Drew’s show, so I figured...”

“Sure, we could do something.” Ryan stretched out, propping his feet on the coffee table and slouching. Talking to Colin tended to make him feel lazy and relaxed, perfectly at ease. “What did you have in mind?”

Colin was quiet for a few seconds, and when he replied, his voice held an odd note Ryan couldn’t define. “Oh, I can think of a few things. Tell you what--I’ll come over, and we’ll improvise, okay?”

“As long as there’s no hoedown,” Ryan muttered, smiling when he heard Colin’s soft laugh. “I’ll be here. See you in a little bit.”

“Okay, see you,” Colin said, and hung up. Ryan blinked at the phone for a moment, then shrugged and pushed the end button. He laced his fingers behind his head and smiled up at the ceiling, already plotting the next way he’d make Colin laugh.

~~~

There was a knock on the door about twenty minutes later and Ryan opened it to find Colin on the other side, hands in his pockets and a small, enigmatic smile on his face. “Hi,” Colin said, leaning in a little and dropping his hands to his sides.

“Colin,” Ryan said, grinning. He laughed and tugged Colin in, wrapping him in a quick, fierce hug. “Good to see you.”

Colin nodded against his chest, his hands fisted in Ryan’s shirt for a moment before he let go, stepping back and clearing his throat. “So, um,” he mumbled, looking at the floor, then darting a smiling glance up at Ryan. “How’re you doing?”

Ryan tilted his head to the side, laying a hand on Colin’s shoulder. “Good, good... how about you? Everything okay?”

“Of course,” Colin said, smiling brightly. “Sure, everything’s fine. You want to watch a movie or something?”

“Nah,” Ryan said slowly, still giving Colin an assessing stare. “Why don’t we just hang out for a while? Talk, catch up, all that.”

Colin looked down again and took a deep breath, his shoulder rising and falling beneath Ryan’s hand. “Sure. We can do that.”

Ryan got them a couple drinks and they settled on the couch, both with their feet up on the coffee table, their knees jostling together companionably. Colin wanted to know about Ryan’s work, how Drew’s show was going, did he still think about opening a comedy club of his own, how were the kids, how was Pat... all the usual things. He was calm and easy to talk to and quietly funny, as always, and Ryan couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more going on than met the eye.

“So what brought you to town?” Ryan asked when it became obvious Colin wasn’t going to get to whatever it was himself.

“I told you,” Colin said, dropping his eyes again. “Some auditions.”

“For what?”

Colin shrugged. “Some commercials. Maybe a movie part, if one comes up.”

Ryan scooted a little closer and put a hand on Colin’s back, waiting until the other man met his eyes. “You know what? You’re really bad at lying.”

Colin winced and folded his arms, biting his lower lip. “No, I...” He sighed and shook his head. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry, I really meant to tell you why I was here and then you asked and I... I don’t know. Chickened out, I guess.”

“So tell me,” Ryan replied.

Colin gave a nervous, brittle laugh. “Easy for you to say.”

“Come on, how bad can it be? Unless you’ve recently taken to eating puppies or gunning people down in the street, I’m pretty sure I won’t run away screaming.” Ryan nudged their shoulders together, inviting Colin to return his smile.

“It’s not... okay, see, I didn’t really do anything. I may have thought about it a little, but that’s not the same, is it?”

“Thought about what?” Ryan prodded, his head tilted close as Colin’s voice grew softer.

Colin sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. “Deb thinks I’m cheating on her.”

“What?” Ryan shook his head automatically. “You wouldn’t. Why would she even think that?”

Colin smiled ruefully, fiddling absently with his wedding ring, turning it around and around on his hand. “I may have... um, told her I was... considering things.”

Ryan frowned, leaning over, trying to catch Colin’s eyes. “What things? And shit, Colin, why would you tell her?”

“I don’t know,” Colin said, spreading his hands. “Guilt?”

“But you didn’t do anything.”

“I know, but seriously considering it seems wrong enough.” Colin hunched his shoulders and Ryan slipped an arm around them, trying to soothe the tension there. “We had this huge fight and she asked me to leave for a while--not permanently,” he hastened to add. “Just to give us some room to think, to cool down and I... I didn’t know where else to go.”

Ryan squeezed him a little, startled when Colin turned and pressed his cheek against Ryan’s shoulder, closing his eyes for a moment. “You know you’re always welcome here,” Ryan said, and he felt Colin nod.

“Thanks,” Colin murmured. “But you may change your mind about that.”

“No, I won’t,” Ryan replied easily. “So you might as well tell me the rest.”

Colin took a deep breath, but he didn’t lift his head from Ryan’s shoulder, seemingly happy to stay there. “I probably shouldn’t have said anything to her,” he started. Ryan felt something brushing his leg and looked down to see Colin twirling his wedding ring again, his fingertips lightly bumping Ryan’s leg; an old, unconscious habit.

“Well, if you were really thinking about having an affair then yeah, that’s something to talk about before it gets too far,” Ryan pointed out.

“But it would never happen,” Colin said. He still wouldn’t look up. “It’s all... it’s one-sided.” He laughed thinly, shaking his head. “A fantasy, really. And that’s what I should have left it, but I couldn’t... I couldn’t keep looking at her and hiding it and I’ve been thinking about it so long and I had to tell someone and I thought... honesty, right? Isn’t that supposed to be the key?”

“Not always,” Ryan replied. “Some things, people don’t want to know.”

Colin stiffened, drawing back, and he shot Ryan a brief, unreadable look. “And some things,” he said after a moment, “people know already, and pretend they don’t.”

Ryan blinked once, blank and deliberate. “What are you talking about?”

“Stop it,” Colin said flatly. He stood, shoving off from the couch and stalking across the room, hands stuffed in his pockets again, his back to Ryan.

Ryan followed, moving to stand behind Colin, not touching but close enough to see the fine hairs on the back of Colin’s neck rise when he breathed on them. “Colin...”

“You know,” Colin said. “And Deb knows. Everyone knows, so maybe we should stop the stupid act.”

“Hey, who’s acting?” Ryan joked, but it fell flat, Colin remaining still and silent in front of him, refusing to turn. There were a few seconds of silence, with only Colin’s carefully controlled breathing and Ryan’s heartbeat pounding in his ears, and then he stepped forward, letting his chest rest against Colin’s back and gently looping his arms around the other man’s chest. “Okay,” he said. “All right, if that’s what you want.”

He felt Colin shiver, and then hands covered his, Colin’s fingers lacing with his longer ones, fitting together easily. “It’s not what I want,” Colin murmured, his head tilted back, hair brushing Ryan’s cheek. “I want to be in love with my wife and no one else. I want to have a nice, normal life. I want...”

“What?” Ryan whispered, turning his head to speak in Colin’s ear. Colin shivered again, shifting restlessly in his arms. “What do you want?”

“You know.”

“You’ve never said it.”

Colin shrugged. “You know anyway.” He laughed again, low and bitter. “Deb didn’t believe me.”

“That you were thinking about this?” Ryan asked, squeezing Colin a little closer.

“That I hadn’t done it already. She thinks we’ve been doing this for years.”

Ryan raised his eyebrows. “And she never said anything? She just let it go on?”

“I guess she didn’t want to know,” Colin muttered. “A lot of that going around, isn’t there?”

Ryan closed his eyes. “Colin...”

“You love Pat. I know. I just... got tired of pretending, I guess. You know me--I’m really bad at lying.” Colin tried for a smile.

“How long?” Ryan asked.

“How long what?”

“You said you’d been thinking about it so long. How long?” Ryan’s voice was low, intent, the words half-muffled against Colin’s skin.

“I don’t know,” Colin replied, sounding baffled. “Does it matter?”

“It matters,” Ryan growled, “because I’ve been thinking about it for fourteen years, and if I can wait, then so can you.”

Colin tensed and tried to spin and look at him, but Ryan held him still, both of them facing the window and Colin caught tight against his chest, pinned. “Wait for what?” Colin asked, his voice growing higher, strained. “For our wives to decide it’s okay? For our kids to get old enough to understand? What are you waiting for?”

Ryan shook his head. “Just... someday. When the time is right.”

“Someday,” Colin said derisively. “Sure. And tell me, when is the right time to have an affair with your best friend?” He snorted and shook his head. “You never will, so I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. You love Pat.”

“That’s twice you’ve said that.”

“And you’re not denying it,” Colin shot back. “Why act like it’s possible, why make hollow promises when you know it won’t happen?”

“What makes you so sure it won’t?” Ryan retorted. “Yes, I love Pat, but...”

“What?” Colin asked quietly, becoming very still against Ryan’s chest.

“You know.”

Colin shook his head. “Obviously I don’t.”

Ryan sighed and dropped his chin, resting his forehead against the back of Colin’s shoulder. He took a deep breath and Colin smelled like he always did, soap and skin and warm cotton, so very familiar. “I love you, too,” he said simply, and he’d said it a hundred times to Colin and heard just as many in return, and this shouldn’t have been any different, but it was.

Colin was quiet, and he twisted, his warm breath stealing over the hollow of Ryan’s throat and making the skin all the way down his back prickle with goose bumps. “Then why are we waiting?” Colin asked eventually, his words a rumble against Ryan’s chest, sinking in and leaving a lingering heat.

“Because there is no right time to have an affair with your best friend,” Ryan replied tiredly. “Because pretending was easier. Because we both have too much to lose. Take your pick.”

Colin nodded, and Ryan heard him swallow, felt the tickle of eyelashes against his neck as Colin blinked rapidly. “Knew I shouldn’t have said anything,” Colin whispered.

Ryan put his hands on Colin’s waist and turned him, linking his arms loosely at the small of Colin’s back. Colin blinked solemnly up at him, his expression steady and patient, trusting. Ryan rested their foreheads together and closed his eyes. “Everyone knows,” he said, almost laughing, “and everyone is wrong. I’m pretty sure Pat assumes we’re together, too.”

“It’s dumb, when you think about it,” Colin said, and Ryan could hear the smile in his voice. “Here we are telling ourselves all the reasons why we can’t do what everyone thinks we’re doing anyway.”

“I guess it doesn’t make much sense,” Ryan admitted. “But just because they think we’re together, that doesn’t mean we can just jump into bed.”

“Right,” Colin agreed after a moment and Ryan knew just by the feel of Colin’s breathing becoming faster and the hitch in his chest that Colin didn’t mean it for a second.

“It would be irresponsible.”

“Yes,” Colin agreed, and his hand was slipping up Ryan’s back, the nails scratching just a tiny bit, leaving trails of sensation all the way down his spine. “It’d be ridiculous, actually. To decide, after years of self-discipline, to throw it away because some people think we already have.”

“Doesn’t make any sense at all,” Ryan replied, lowering his head a little, his lips brushing Colin’s jaw as he spoke. Colin angled his neck invitingly and Ryan smiled, kissing the side of his throat.

“Then again,” Colin began, his voice considerably higher than it had been a second ago.

“Yes?” Ryan asked, exploring Colin’s neck until he found the pulse, fluttering rapidly against his mouth.

“Um.” Colin took a deep breath, squirming a little in Ryan’s arms. “We should talk about this. Seriously.”

“Definitely,” Ryan replied, his fingertips dipping beneath the hem of Colin’s shirt, stroking the soft skin at his waist, warm and smooth. “We shouldn’t be impulsive.”

“True.” Colin nodded, and then jumped slightly when Ryan’s fingers stretched a little lower. “Of course, I have been thinking about it for years, so it’s not really impulsive, is it?”

“Not at all. You could even call it well-planned.” Ryan swallowed a low groan when Colin shifted, his thigh pressing squarely between Ryan’s, warm and firm and exactly where he needed it and why had he thought waiting was a good idea?

“After all,” Colin said, audibly struggling to catch his breath, “seems like everyone we know has already accepted it. Maybe it’s time we did the same.”

And Ryan knew it wasn’t that simple, that there was a big difference between unwritten agreements and those spoken out loud, that it would still have to be secret and there would be guilt later, maybe regret--but Colin’s hands were strong and knowing on his skin and he tasted just the way Ryan had always known he would, sweet and forbidden.

“Colin,” he said, kissing his face, his eyes, darting a brief lick at the corner of his mouth. There was more Ryan wanted to say, about how he’d wanted this, how very hard it had been to stand back and smile and keep that safe distance that was never far enough to make him stop wanting, how it had killed him every time to see Colin with his wife and know what he could never have. He wanted to tell Colin he was grateful for his courage, for being the first to quit pretending, to step up and say what he wanted because Ryan knew he never would have--but all he said was “Colin,” murmured between kisses, over and over.

“I know,” Colin said, smiling at him, always patient, always understanding what he didn’t say. “I know.”

~~~

Fin

Comments

[krzcowzgomoo.livejournal.com]

This was just, wow. The last paragraphs...just whoa... and the unspoken communication, I love it! Wonderful!

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

Hooray, thank you! Unspoken communication is a big thing for Colin and Ryan, I think. All the best stuff with them is unspoken. ^_^

[krzcowzgomoo.livejournal.com]

that's the exact same way I feel (as exibited in last fics) ! I think it's just a part of who they are, and they aren't complete without it.

[stilmoch.livejournal.com]

*dies a good death*

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

*resurrects you to say thanks*

[stilmoch.livejournal.com]

Please tell me you used one of these fine gentlemen to revive me.

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

Colin and Ryan totally gave you CPR. At length. And Colin used the innovative method of CPR that he's demonstrated on the show, which involves taking off Ryan's pants.

[zekkass.livejournal.com]

*has become convinced that Valentines needs to happen more often*

Wow. Wonderful.

[foureyedsnail.livejournal.com]

I SECOND THAT MOST STRONGLY! *laughs*

Dude. Like, every Tuesday.

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

A rush of secret stories every week? Sounds fabulous, if we can actually keep up.

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

This Valentines thing has been great. All the stories! And I'm glad you liked mine, thank you. *g*

[trustingno1.livejournal.com]

AHHH! *squeals in happiness* ... Hi. *smiles*

“Colin?” He paused, and chuckled. “Didn’t know you even knew how to use a phone.” “Oh, shut up, smartass,” Colin replied, but his voice was warm and rich, without the slightest bite. “The fact that I never call you only speaks to my good judgment.” (OK, that looks longer now that I've copied it, but meh). I was all, "Eeep! Cute banter!" (because, now, anything that they say to each other is banter, in my mind). But then I felt weird, because I don't remembering banter-loving anyone else recently, and *trails off* I forget where that was going. *cracks up* It was important, though. I think. ^_^

Unless you’ve recently taken to eating puppies or gunning people down in the street, I’m pretty sure I won’t run away screaming I don't know why, but that line was still in my mind the day after I read it. *makes a confused face* O_o

“Not always,” Ryan replied. “Some things, people don’t want to know.” Colin stiffened, drawing back, and he shot Ryan a brief, unreadable look. “And some things,” he said after a moment, “people know already, and pretend they don’t.” That exchange? OWNS me. *tries to hug it* Ah, I just love it so, so much. Made a really weird - indescribable - squeak when I read it. ^_^ It just ... yeah. So, so much love for it.

“It matters,” Ryan growled, “because I’ve been thinking about it for fourteen years, and if I can wait, then so can you.” No. Words.

“Because there is no right time to have an affair with your best friend,” Ryan replied tiredly. “Because pretending was easier. Because we both have too much to lose. Take your pick.” Guh. I love it because it's real ... *pauses* You know? They acknowledge that everyone thinks they're together and that they have - and love their - wives. *sighs happily*

“Of course, I have been thinking about it for years, so it’s not really impulsive, is it?” “Not at all. You could even call it well-planned.” <-- It was here I went into fully-fledged BANTER!LOVE mode *smirks* always patient, always understanding what he didn’t say And I just really liked that. ^_^ So yeah. What I was trying to say was that this fic made me haaaaaappppyyyy. Hee. *giggles* Thank you. And - It was intimidating like whoa writing for her *narrows eyes* That's - that's ... nice? (hah) of you to say *cracks up* But yeah. I nearly posted the comment like that, but it doesn't feel finished. I just really liked that this touched on the fact that they must know that everyone suspects that they're together. I don't know why. I just think that never really gets that much of a mention ... and ... yeah. *pauses* Uh, anyway. ^_^ Much love for happy-but-not-freakishly-sappy endings, too. *coughs and tries to quietly leave*

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

OMG yay! *does hoppy around happy dance* I'm so glad you liked the story, especially since it was written for you in particular. Hooray for weird indescribable squeaks! For banter love! For it being real and unspoken stuff and just all the amazingly nice things you said because they made me very happy.

And hell yes it was intimidating writing for you! That's a lot to live up to, you know. All those amazing, painfully good stories that make me wibble and squeak embarrassingly. So thank you very much for liking it, and also, I'm intensely jealous of whoever got to have you writing for them, even though I love the story Clay wrote for me.

[indybaggins.livejournal.com]

*coughs and takes notes for the next challenge* ;)

Seriously though, I'm so happy you guys are all happy with who you got.

[knowyourlips.livejournal.com]

*does hoppy around happy dance* I read that twice, slowly, and paused, before bursting into almost hysterical laughter. (And yeah, I don't know why that matters. Just felt like sharing.) ;)

So I know this is sounding very no-you're-a-good-writer-ish *rereads and snorts* but I feel obligated to add that I almost tacked on "PS - don't make me write for kalimyre or clay, Indy, I'm begging you. I'll be too petrified to type anything coherent" to my request. But I thought that after my list of, like, a hundred squicks, Indy might very well just shoot me. ^_^ (That, and the fact that our fandom's way too small to not get one of you once ...) ;)

You know, because I'm always so ... chatty, almost in my comments, I'm never sure if anyone takes me seriously (*smirks*). So I really have to add that - “It matters,” Ryan growled, “because I’ve been thinking about it for fourteen years, and if I can wait, then so can you.” just kills me every time. Guh. I don't know why, but it does. It's one of the best lines in any WL fic I've read.

And man, I can type when I want to. ^_^

[leatharegee.livejournal.com]

Ohhhh! I love the unspoken communication thing. I *know* that's what everyone is going to say, but it's just so So SO true. I love how they talk about it, but really never do, I love how they come to a conclusion - the *same* conclusion - without really discussing anything, and I love - most of all - that they got together in the end and were happy. :P Of course. lol. ^___^

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

Oh, thanks so much. That was exactly what I was trying for, they way they both know what they're talking about, and they don't have to come right out and say it. And I'm such a sucker for happy endings! I can never quite resist them. I think in the three years that I've been writing, I've done one, maybe two stories with less than happy endings, and even those were ambiguous. I'm a happy fluff addict, but I suppose there are worse things to be hooked on.

[clayangel.livejournal.com]

heh. Eating puppies. *smirks*

“It matters,” Ryan growled, “because I’ve been thinking about it for fourteen years, and if I can wait, then so can you.” --- Oh dear Lord, I just got to this part and my heart just jumped. So intense and beautiful and painful and fabulous. *dies a little and then goes to read more*

That just got more and more painful until it broke into happy squeeness. Yay. ^____^ I should try to be more coherent, but it's late.

But gah! I loved that whole holding him backwards thing, because backwards hugs are just about the best thing ever. And all the subtle movements, and Ryan bowing his head against Colin's shoulder. So much happy yummy.

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

Hooray! I'm glad you liked it, thanks so much. I do think backwards hugs are of the good and Colin and Ryan should be required to do them every day. While being filmed. And said film should be delivered to my door. Also, there should be kissing and teasing and the occasional snip of flirty conversation with much murmuring in ears and tickly squirming and yes. All of that.

However, I must live in a world when such film is not delivered to my door every day, so I just write about it instead. *g*

[emilyfairy.livejournal.com]

*sigh* Oh, that was perfect... :) I love how Ryan says he's been waiting fourteen years... It's just sweet that he knows the exact amount of time he's been pining for Col. Ryan's got an inner squishy when it comes to Col that I just love to pieces. *cuddles him*

And the banter is great, as always. You always write their conversations so well! :)

The thing I love best about your writing is how I can always picture everything so clearly in my head. You use all the senses to convey the story, and I admire that... :) I try to do it with mine, but I don't think I pull it off as well as you do.

*rereads*

Emily :)

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you! And of course Ryan knows how long he's been waiting, because Ryan is sweet and romantic that way.

Ryan's got an inner squishy when it comes to Col

I am so in love with that phrase. An inner squishy! Yes. So much yes.

And thank you for the senses thing! I learned that in another fandom, where I had a beta who told me I did too much visual and not enough other things, taste and smell and feel. Hooray for tough betas. *g*

Also, who are you kidding about not doing it in your writing? Your writing makes me all kinds of happy and frequently makes me try harder just so I can keep up.

[emilyfairy.livejournal.com]

Your writing makes me all kinds of happy and frequently makes me try harder just so I can keep up.

Awww... *blushes and drags toe* Thank you. I feel the same way about *you*.

*gives you Valentine's chocolates and runs*

LOL! :D

Emily :)

[maradao.livejournal.com]

Banter envy! Banter envy! Especially when they started doing all the touch-feely stuff and still kept up all the rationalizations and justifications for what they weren’t about to do, oh no of course not…. *big envious sigh* I love it when characters talk one thing and do another, and when it ends up with them together like this, that’s just even more icing on the perfection cake.

Write more, always.

[kalimyre.livejournal.com]

Hey, don't be banter envious, your banter is fantabulous! *g* And thanks so much, I'm glad you liked this. I wound up writing it really quickly and turning it back in to Indy the same day I got my Valentine challenge request, because apparently deadlines make me neruotic, and I didn't like it that much at first but it kind of grew on me. I'm very flattered by the generous response! This is really such a nice fandom. ^_^

[maradao.livejournal.com]

Y'know, you’re really lucky this is a nice fandom, or else I’d be kicking teddy bears right about now. :>P

You wrote this in less than a day? And then you weren’t happy with it?!

Okay, now for the question that begs asking: why?