[FIC] Inclination
Aug. 14th, 2005 01:52 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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wl_fanfictionTitle: Inclination
Author: Clay
Pairings: Ry/Col (Ryan’s POV)
Rating: PG
Summary: You can only deny fate so long.
Author’s notes: I tried to go to bed last night, but just as I was lying down this popped into my head and I knew I would get no rest until every last word was down on paper.
“I love my wife you know.”
I didn’t answer at first, just put down my newspaper and stared. Colin was staring back at me, a determined, almost angry look marring his otherwise quite handsome features.
“What?” It wasn’t that I hadn’t heard him. I had. It just came so out of the blue, and I had no idea what prompted it.
Colin continued to stare at me determinedly. His hands were in his lap, fingers twirling his wedding ring nervously. I glanced at his hands briefly before once again meeting his eyes, thinking that I had heard somewhere that such fidgeting was a sign of depression.
“I like breasts,” Colin continued. “They’re soft and attractive and I like them. I like women.”
I couldn’t help the wry smile that lifted the corners of my mouth. “Do you now?” It was just a joke, but at these words Colin frowned.
“Yes. I’m straight.”
The smile fled from my face as quickly as it had come. I stood, lifting myself from my armchair to cross the room and join Colin on the couch on the other side of the green room, forgetting my paper, forgetting everything but my concern for my best friend.
“I know you are,” I said gently once I had seated myself next to him. “Why wouldn’t you be?”
“They don’t think I am.”
He was still spinning his wedding ring, the only movement on his otherwise very tense body.
“They?”
“The fans,” he clarified. He blinked at me a moment and then shook his head violently. “No, not just the fans. Everyone. They want me to be gay. Look at Eugene. Look at Barney.” He was referring to his character on The Drew Carey Show and another role he had filmed for a movie earlier that year. I didn’t know much about the latter, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from comforting him.
“Those are just parts,” I assured him. I wanted to touch him, to lay a hand on his arm or shoulder to let him know I was there for him, but in his current state, I didn’t know how he would take it. “They’re not who you really are. They want you to play those characters because of what a good actor you are.”
Rather than comforting him, however, my words just seemed to draw him further into depression. He murmured something then, very quietly. I couldn’t be sure of his exact words, but it sounded very much like, “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
I didn’t see Colin much in the week that followed. I did have another show to do, so my days remained busy. When I actually found time to go looking for Colin, I could never seem to find him. It was if he were avoiding me.
Oddly enough, when it came time for the next taping Colin seemed very much his old self. He never once mentioned the strange conversation, so I let it go. If it was no longer bothering him, then I wouldn’t be the one to bring it up. Things were back to normal. That is, I thought they were.
The taping started well. We were all hyper, happily jumping from one game to another, Colin more so than anyone. I thought nothing of it, though, assuming that he was making up for last weekend’s lackluster performance.
At one point during a game of Helping Hands while I was busy conversing with Drew over something or other on the table, settled comfortably in Colin’s embrace, Colin, well, he smelled me. I could hear him breathing deeply against the nape of my neck; his arms tightened almost imperceptibly around me. At first I was convinced that I had imagined it. That is, until we got back to our seats.
“You smell nice.”
I had been in the middle of taking a sip of water and almost choked on it. I spun on Colin, but he wasn’t looking at me. He looked out over the audience serenely, acting as though he had said nothing at all.
“Thank you?” I offered. I think I was trying to gauge if he had really spoken or if I was just going insane.
Colin turned to me. His face was absolutely unreadable as he shrugged and replied, “It’s true.”
That was near the end of the taping, and neither of us brought it up again. By the time we were all walking to our cars after the show I had nearly forgotten.
Drew and some of the others were going to a bar, but I wouldn’t be joining them. Pat and the kids had come down for the weekend. They had been at the taping that afternoon, and I would be going out to dinner with them. To be completely honest, I didn’t really want to. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Pat; I did, but then, I got to see her all year round. I only had a few weeks a year to be with Colin, though. I think some part of me resented her for taking me away from Colin, but that was something I would never let myself dwell on.
For a moment as Colin and I crossed the rapidly darkening parking lost to my car I almost forgot that I had other plans. Just then Pat’s voice rang out from the other side of the lot, calling me over. I stilled immediately. Colin’s head shot up, darting through the maze of cars to find the source of a voice he knew so well.
“Right,” I mumbled and then looked up myself, finding Pat and smiling warmly. “I’ll be right there!” I called back to her. I fished my keys from my front pocket and looked to Colin. He was still staring at Pat.
“Colin?” I said, jostling him from his thoughts. Once I had his attention I tossed him my keys. “I’m going out with Pat and the kids tonight,” I told him. “Do you mind taking my car back to the hotel?”
Colin stared at the keys nestled in his palm. He was silent for just a moment before he said very quietly, but very clearly, “Fuck you.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Forget it.” Colin wouldn’t meet my eyes. In fact, he was already walking away. He was practically running, hurrying to get in the car and away from me.
“Colin?” He showed no sign of stopping so I took off after him. “Colin, wait. Something’s wrong.”
“Everything is fine,” Colin growled, letting me know that, in fact, everything was just the opposite of fine. His hand shook as he tried to jam the key into the lock, missing twice. I laid a hand on his, and he went still.
“Talk to me.”
Much more calmly now Colin continued to try to unlock the door. He finally succeeded. He let out a shaky break and then looked at me. He was smiling, but his eyes remained cold, hard. I had never seen him look like that before and had to fight to keep from recoiling.
“Everything is fine,” he said again. He had regained enough control that had I not known better I would have believed him. “Have fun with your wife.”
For the life of me I couldn’t understand why we was acting this way or what I could have possibly done to anger him so, and it was starting to piss me off. “Fine,” I said, “I will.”
The anger in my tone seemed to startle him. There was a flash of sadness in his eyes before the mask was back. I regretted my words instantly.
“Goodnight, Ryan.”
I was distracted all through dinner, only listening to half of what was being said and even then only responding in one or two words at a time. I was desperate to get out of any conversation as quickly as possible so I could get back to thinking about Colin. If Pat or the kids noticed my mental absence, they didn’t say anything.
For the most part they just seemed happy to be with me; it had been nearly a month, but school had only just let out for the summer, so it was their first chance to visit me in L.A. My own lack of enthusiasm at being reunited with my family had me feeling guilty, but not as guilty as I felt when I thought that I had somehow managed to hurt Colin. That in itself filled me with self loathing, that a man, even one I considered to be my best friend, could take so much of my attention from my children.
I should have considered what that meant. I should have been trying to figure out why another man took precedence over my own wife, but I couldn’t. I was too busy thinking about Colin.
After dinner we were all supposed to go back to my home, but I told Pat that I had left something important at the hotel and that I’d take a cab back and catch up with them later. After I’d spoken the words I tried to think of something, anything important enough to go back for, but no lie would come to me, not when my every thought revolved around the truth. Luckily Pat didn’t ask, though she did offer to drive me. I argued that it would be nearly an hour out of her way, that the children were tired and I would be fine on my own. My car was back at the hotel anyway; I could use that to drive to the house. For the first time that evening Pat looked dubious. She hesitated in replying so long that I was sure there would be a fight, but in the end she relented.
I told her not to wait up.
When I made it back to the hotel, the sun had long ago fallen beyond the horizon. Street lamps tinted the world a sickly yellow, leaving deep wells of shadow between.
The guilt that I had been feeling over Colin was now nearly overwhelming. Now I was worrying that even the couple of hours since we had last spoken were enough to destroy our friendship forever. We had never fought before and that we were left me feeling physically ill. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I almost missed him.
He was standing in one of those wells of shadow, the orange glow of his cigarette the only hint that a person remained hidden in the darkness. It was that cigarette that alerted me to his presence. He smoked some strange Canadian brand that had a very distinct scent. It was something I found all the time up north, but here in L.A. it was as common as trees. In a way, it always reminded me of home.
I paused, one hand outstretched to open the doors that would lead me into the hotel lobby. I stared into the darkness for a long moment before I let my hand drop. I took two steps toward him, willing my eyes to adjust faster.
“Colin?”
“Hi,” he replied. Suddenly I could see him clearly. He still wore the hooded sweatshirt and jeans he had donned after the taping. His hand was shaking very slightly, fine tremors barely perceptible in the dark, as he brought the cigarette to his lips. I closed the remaining distance between us.
“What are you doing out here?”
He shrugged.
“Mind if I join you?”
He paused, cigarette hovering just short of his lips. “Actually, I was just going back in,” he said and proceeded to flick his cigarette away. He had been leaning against the side of the hotel, but pushed himself off now, burying his hands in his pockets, head bowed. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the studio,” he told me and then started for the door.
“Colin, wait.”
He had just passed me so I swung around to face him. He stopped, head still lowered, his back to me. “It’s late,” he said. He made no move to start walking again, though, and no matter what he might have said, that was a sign that he didn’t really want to leave.
“We have to talk.”
“We have nothing to talk about.”
“Yes,” I said, softly but insistently, “we do.” As I said it, I lay a hand on his shoulder. He jumped as though my touch burned, spinning and fixing me with a deadly glare.
“Did you have fun with Pat?” he spat.
Oh, this wasn’t fair. All I was trying to do was be understanding, but he kept throwing it back in my face.
“What is your problem?” I yelled. I was fully aware that we were practically in the street, out in the open and in no place to be getting in a fight, but I had been dealing with this all evening and I was sick of it.
“It’s just a question,” Colin retorted. He still didn’t sound happy, but the edge had gone form his voice.
As he calmed, however, my anger only grew.
“No,” I said, quite loudly, “I didn’t have fun with Pat. All I could think about was you.”
Colin’s eyes widened. Any masks he had been wearing fell away in the space of a heartbeat. “Really?” he asked. It was open and honest and completely unassuming as though it had come from the mouth of a child.
With that word my own anger melted away. In the next instant it was gone, as if it had never been there; I couldn’t even remember why I had been angry in the first place.
“Yeah,” I said. “I hate fighting with you.” As I spoke I took a step toward him, and he automatically took a step back. I stopped immediately. “Colin?”
“I can’t.” It was spoken so quietly that at first I thought I was hearing things. He had averted his eyes, staring down at the pavement.
“You can’t?”
“I can’t do this anymore.” Slightly louder now.
“Can’t do what, Colin? What are you doing?”
He finally met my eyes, and there was such a deep sadness in his own that it took my breath away. “This,” he said, his hand sweeping through the space between us. “Us. You and me. I can’t be around you anymore. I can’t be your friend.”
It was those last five words that broke my heart. I didn’t want to believe him, but he was so calm, so serious that I couldn’t deny he had spoken the absolute truth. Hysteria bubbled up inside me, flooding my veins with adrenaline. This couldn’t be. Colin was friend, my constant for twenty years. I didn’t know how to live without him.
“Why not?” I demanded, not angry or harsh, but desperate. I reached out, clutching at his forearms hard enough to leave bruises, but Colin gave no sign that he was in pain. He didn’t even seem to realize I was touching him.
“I’m sorry.” He was looking down, refusing to meet my eyes. It sounded as though he were crying, but he cheeks remained dry.
“Why?” I said again. I was shaking him now, my grip tightening impossibly, but stopped as soon as I realized I was doing it. Colin remained quiet, so I grabbed his chin, tilting his head up and forcing him to look at me. “Why are you doing this?” I asked, halfway between a plea and an accusation. “I don’t understand.”
Colin looked into my eyes resolutely. He seemed to be thinking, considering his next words with care. His eyes slid closed. If I hadn’t still been holding his jaw he would have turned away again.
“I think I’m in love with you.”
That was the very last thing I had expected. I was stunned enough that I dropped my hold on him. I could only stare, dumbfounded.
Now that he was free, Colin turned his head to stare at the wall of the hotel. I suppose he was waiting for me to say something, anything, but shock had frozen my vocal chords. Finally he gave a shuddering sigh, his shoulders slumping.
“Goodbye, Ryan.”
Oh Hell no. Colin had turned to go. He was walking back to the lobby doors. His sudden departure forced my brain to start working again.
“You can’t say that and just leave!” I yelled.
He wasn’t stopping. He was twenty feet from the doors, and I was still standing there like an idiot. He was fifteen feet away.
Without another thought I bolted after him, skidding to a halt just past him and then flinging myself around. Colin looked up at me, his gaze curious, but dull. I reached for him, laying one hand on either shoulder, and I kissed him.
Yes, I know we were in a public place and that anyone could see us. At that moment, in fact, an elderly couple was leaving the hotel, and we were standing in full view not ten feet away, but none of that mattered.
Instinct had taken over.
The moment my lips touched Colin’s I ceased to think. I didn’t need to. Kissing him was natural, as natural as a river flowing into the sea or the sun rising in the east. It was so simple and so right that it was a wonder I hadn’t done it before.
Colin made a little mewling sound in the back of his throat. His arms came up to cradle my back, softly at first and then with more forced as the kiss deepened. My arms wound around his shoulders as if my life depended on it, and in a way I think it did. After all, a life without Colin in it would hardly be worth living.
His lips parted beneath mine. His tongue came out to hesitantly slide along my lower lip, tasting me briefly before darting back. My own tongue chased his back into his mouth; I was desperate to kiss him in a way we’d never even gotten close to on stage. It was wonderful and now that I’d gotten a taste I knew that I could never get enough.
I suddenly felt so stupid. I was in love with Colin. How had I not known this before? But then he was sliding his tongue along mine again and I forgot to do anything but feel.
Eventually we both needed to come up for air. Colin pulled back though his arms stayed securely around me, hands clinging to the back of my t-shirt.
“We can’t stand here and kiss all night,” he panted against my lips.
I was more than ready to argue that I could stand there and kiss him for the rest of my life, but logic was slowly seeping back into my brain. I gave a slight nod. “We need to talk.”
By some unspoken agreement we headed inside and directly to his room. Once there, we neglected to turn on the lights, just headed toward the bed and sat down on the edge, side by side. We could barely see one another in the dim light, but that didn’t matter. We weren’t looking at each other, just facing forward, our arms brushing with each intake of breath.
Colin was the first to break the silence. “What do we do now?”
It seemed to me a ludicrous question. We loved each other. We would be together. But there was logic creeping around the back of my brain again, giving me a little kick, and I realized what Colin was really asking: what about our wives? I had no answer for that. I could only say exactly what I was thinking.
“I want to be with you,” I told him. Something occurred to me then, something that I had yet to say. “I know I’m in love with you.”
“But what about Pat? What about Deb? And Luke? And Sam and–“
"I don’t know,” I cut him off. But no, that was a lie. “Yes, I do,” I corrected myself. I turned to face Colin at the same time that he was turning to face me. Now that our eyes had adjusted I could see the love in his eyes. And the confusion. “I want to be with you,” I said, repeating my earlier statement. “I’ve always wanted to be with you. I just never let myself think what that might mean.”
“We’re married,” Colin said simply.
“We are,” I agreed. “You love Deb, and I love Pat, but I think – I know we love each other more.”
I could see in his eyes that he wanted to take that and run with it, but Colin had always been the more logical one between the two of us, and he wasn’t about to let his feelings override his common sense.
“How can you decide that so quickly?” he asked. “An hour ago you were having dinner with your family, and now you act like they mean nothing to you.”
“That’s not how I feel, and you know it. But this,” and I grabbed his hands in mine to emphasize my meaning, “has been a long time in coming. We just weren’t ready for it before.”
Colin still looked doubtful, but I could tell he was being swayed.
Suddenly I needed to kiss him again. I needed it like air; it was a wonder I had survived long enough to know that, to figure out just what my life had been missing. When we parted, Colin had a silly smile on his lips that made him beautiful.
“I still think we should sleep on this.”
“So do I.”
Colin’s grin grew wider. “Alone,” he said.
I had to laugh at that. Impulsively I pulled him into a hug, squeezing tightly, delighted at the feel of him against me. I turned to whisper in his ear, “How about together, but we keep our clothes on?”
Colin chuckled deeply, joyously. The sound reverberated through my chest and spread outward until even my fingertips were tingling with it.
“Deal.”
End
08/14/05
Author: Clay
Pairings: Ry/Col (Ryan’s POV)
Rating: PG
Summary: You can only deny fate so long.
Author’s notes: I tried to go to bed last night, but just as I was lying down this popped into my head and I knew I would get no rest until every last word was down on paper.
“I love my wife you know.”
I didn’t answer at first, just put down my newspaper and stared. Colin was staring back at me, a determined, almost angry look marring his otherwise quite handsome features.
“What?” It wasn’t that I hadn’t heard him. I had. It just came so out of the blue, and I had no idea what prompted it.
Colin continued to stare at me determinedly. His hands were in his lap, fingers twirling his wedding ring nervously. I glanced at his hands briefly before once again meeting his eyes, thinking that I had heard somewhere that such fidgeting was a sign of depression.
“I like breasts,” Colin continued. “They’re soft and attractive and I like them. I like women.”
I couldn’t help the wry smile that lifted the corners of my mouth. “Do you now?” It was just a joke, but at these words Colin frowned.
“Yes. I’m straight.”
The smile fled from my face as quickly as it had come. I stood, lifting myself from my armchair to cross the room and join Colin on the couch on the other side of the green room, forgetting my paper, forgetting everything but my concern for my best friend.
“I know you are,” I said gently once I had seated myself next to him. “Why wouldn’t you be?”
“They don’t think I am.”
He was still spinning his wedding ring, the only movement on his otherwise very tense body.
“They?”
“The fans,” he clarified. He blinked at me a moment and then shook his head violently. “No, not just the fans. Everyone. They want me to be gay. Look at Eugene. Look at Barney.” He was referring to his character on The Drew Carey Show and another role he had filmed for a movie earlier that year. I didn’t know much about the latter, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from comforting him.
“Those are just parts,” I assured him. I wanted to touch him, to lay a hand on his arm or shoulder to let him know I was there for him, but in his current state, I didn’t know how he would take it. “They’re not who you really are. They want you to play those characters because of what a good actor you are.”
Rather than comforting him, however, my words just seemed to draw him further into depression. He murmured something then, very quietly. I couldn’t be sure of his exact words, but it sounded very much like, “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
I didn’t see Colin much in the week that followed. I did have another show to do, so my days remained busy. When I actually found time to go looking for Colin, I could never seem to find him. It was if he were avoiding me.
Oddly enough, when it came time for the next taping Colin seemed very much his old self. He never once mentioned the strange conversation, so I let it go. If it was no longer bothering him, then I wouldn’t be the one to bring it up. Things were back to normal. That is, I thought they were.
The taping started well. We were all hyper, happily jumping from one game to another, Colin more so than anyone. I thought nothing of it, though, assuming that he was making up for last weekend’s lackluster performance.
At one point during a game of Helping Hands while I was busy conversing with Drew over something or other on the table, settled comfortably in Colin’s embrace, Colin, well, he smelled me. I could hear him breathing deeply against the nape of my neck; his arms tightened almost imperceptibly around me. At first I was convinced that I had imagined it. That is, until we got back to our seats.
“You smell nice.”
I had been in the middle of taking a sip of water and almost choked on it. I spun on Colin, but he wasn’t looking at me. He looked out over the audience serenely, acting as though he had said nothing at all.
“Thank you?” I offered. I think I was trying to gauge if he had really spoken or if I was just going insane.
Colin turned to me. His face was absolutely unreadable as he shrugged and replied, “It’s true.”
That was near the end of the taping, and neither of us brought it up again. By the time we were all walking to our cars after the show I had nearly forgotten.
Drew and some of the others were going to a bar, but I wouldn’t be joining them. Pat and the kids had come down for the weekend. They had been at the taping that afternoon, and I would be going out to dinner with them. To be completely honest, I didn’t really want to. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Pat; I did, but then, I got to see her all year round. I only had a few weeks a year to be with Colin, though. I think some part of me resented her for taking me away from Colin, but that was something I would never let myself dwell on.
For a moment as Colin and I crossed the rapidly darkening parking lost to my car I almost forgot that I had other plans. Just then Pat’s voice rang out from the other side of the lot, calling me over. I stilled immediately. Colin’s head shot up, darting through the maze of cars to find the source of a voice he knew so well.
“Right,” I mumbled and then looked up myself, finding Pat and smiling warmly. “I’ll be right there!” I called back to her. I fished my keys from my front pocket and looked to Colin. He was still staring at Pat.
“Colin?” I said, jostling him from his thoughts. Once I had his attention I tossed him my keys. “I’m going out with Pat and the kids tonight,” I told him. “Do you mind taking my car back to the hotel?”
Colin stared at the keys nestled in his palm. He was silent for just a moment before he said very quietly, but very clearly, “Fuck you.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Forget it.” Colin wouldn’t meet my eyes. In fact, he was already walking away. He was practically running, hurrying to get in the car and away from me.
“Colin?” He showed no sign of stopping so I took off after him. “Colin, wait. Something’s wrong.”
“Everything is fine,” Colin growled, letting me know that, in fact, everything was just the opposite of fine. His hand shook as he tried to jam the key into the lock, missing twice. I laid a hand on his, and he went still.
“Talk to me.”
Much more calmly now Colin continued to try to unlock the door. He finally succeeded. He let out a shaky break and then looked at me. He was smiling, but his eyes remained cold, hard. I had never seen him look like that before and had to fight to keep from recoiling.
“Everything is fine,” he said again. He had regained enough control that had I not known better I would have believed him. “Have fun with your wife.”
For the life of me I couldn’t understand why we was acting this way or what I could have possibly done to anger him so, and it was starting to piss me off. “Fine,” I said, “I will.”
The anger in my tone seemed to startle him. There was a flash of sadness in his eyes before the mask was back. I regretted my words instantly.
“Goodnight, Ryan.”
I was distracted all through dinner, only listening to half of what was being said and even then only responding in one or two words at a time. I was desperate to get out of any conversation as quickly as possible so I could get back to thinking about Colin. If Pat or the kids noticed my mental absence, they didn’t say anything.
For the most part they just seemed happy to be with me; it had been nearly a month, but school had only just let out for the summer, so it was their first chance to visit me in L.A. My own lack of enthusiasm at being reunited with my family had me feeling guilty, but not as guilty as I felt when I thought that I had somehow managed to hurt Colin. That in itself filled me with self loathing, that a man, even one I considered to be my best friend, could take so much of my attention from my children.
I should have considered what that meant. I should have been trying to figure out why another man took precedence over my own wife, but I couldn’t. I was too busy thinking about Colin.
After dinner we were all supposed to go back to my home, but I told Pat that I had left something important at the hotel and that I’d take a cab back and catch up with them later. After I’d spoken the words I tried to think of something, anything important enough to go back for, but no lie would come to me, not when my every thought revolved around the truth. Luckily Pat didn’t ask, though she did offer to drive me. I argued that it would be nearly an hour out of her way, that the children were tired and I would be fine on my own. My car was back at the hotel anyway; I could use that to drive to the house. For the first time that evening Pat looked dubious. She hesitated in replying so long that I was sure there would be a fight, but in the end she relented.
I told her not to wait up.
When I made it back to the hotel, the sun had long ago fallen beyond the horizon. Street lamps tinted the world a sickly yellow, leaving deep wells of shadow between.
The guilt that I had been feeling over Colin was now nearly overwhelming. Now I was worrying that even the couple of hours since we had last spoken were enough to destroy our friendship forever. We had never fought before and that we were left me feeling physically ill. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I almost missed him.
He was standing in one of those wells of shadow, the orange glow of his cigarette the only hint that a person remained hidden in the darkness. It was that cigarette that alerted me to his presence. He smoked some strange Canadian brand that had a very distinct scent. It was something I found all the time up north, but here in L.A. it was as common as trees. In a way, it always reminded me of home.
I paused, one hand outstretched to open the doors that would lead me into the hotel lobby. I stared into the darkness for a long moment before I let my hand drop. I took two steps toward him, willing my eyes to adjust faster.
“Colin?”
“Hi,” he replied. Suddenly I could see him clearly. He still wore the hooded sweatshirt and jeans he had donned after the taping. His hand was shaking very slightly, fine tremors barely perceptible in the dark, as he brought the cigarette to his lips. I closed the remaining distance between us.
“What are you doing out here?”
He shrugged.
“Mind if I join you?”
He paused, cigarette hovering just short of his lips. “Actually, I was just going back in,” he said and proceeded to flick his cigarette away. He had been leaning against the side of the hotel, but pushed himself off now, burying his hands in his pockets, head bowed. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the studio,” he told me and then started for the door.
“Colin, wait.”
He had just passed me so I swung around to face him. He stopped, head still lowered, his back to me. “It’s late,” he said. He made no move to start walking again, though, and no matter what he might have said, that was a sign that he didn’t really want to leave.
“We have to talk.”
“We have nothing to talk about.”
“Yes,” I said, softly but insistently, “we do.” As I said it, I lay a hand on his shoulder. He jumped as though my touch burned, spinning and fixing me with a deadly glare.
“Did you have fun with Pat?” he spat.
Oh, this wasn’t fair. All I was trying to do was be understanding, but he kept throwing it back in my face.
“What is your problem?” I yelled. I was fully aware that we were practically in the street, out in the open and in no place to be getting in a fight, but I had been dealing with this all evening and I was sick of it.
“It’s just a question,” Colin retorted. He still didn’t sound happy, but the edge had gone form his voice.
As he calmed, however, my anger only grew.
“No,” I said, quite loudly, “I didn’t have fun with Pat. All I could think about was you.”
Colin’s eyes widened. Any masks he had been wearing fell away in the space of a heartbeat. “Really?” he asked. It was open and honest and completely unassuming as though it had come from the mouth of a child.
With that word my own anger melted away. In the next instant it was gone, as if it had never been there; I couldn’t even remember why I had been angry in the first place.
“Yeah,” I said. “I hate fighting with you.” As I spoke I took a step toward him, and he automatically took a step back. I stopped immediately. “Colin?”
“I can’t.” It was spoken so quietly that at first I thought I was hearing things. He had averted his eyes, staring down at the pavement.
“You can’t?”
“I can’t do this anymore.” Slightly louder now.
“Can’t do what, Colin? What are you doing?”
He finally met my eyes, and there was such a deep sadness in his own that it took my breath away. “This,” he said, his hand sweeping through the space between us. “Us. You and me. I can’t be around you anymore. I can’t be your friend.”
It was those last five words that broke my heart. I didn’t want to believe him, but he was so calm, so serious that I couldn’t deny he had spoken the absolute truth. Hysteria bubbled up inside me, flooding my veins with adrenaline. This couldn’t be. Colin was friend, my constant for twenty years. I didn’t know how to live without him.
“Why not?” I demanded, not angry or harsh, but desperate. I reached out, clutching at his forearms hard enough to leave bruises, but Colin gave no sign that he was in pain. He didn’t even seem to realize I was touching him.
“I’m sorry.” He was looking down, refusing to meet my eyes. It sounded as though he were crying, but he cheeks remained dry.
“Why?” I said again. I was shaking him now, my grip tightening impossibly, but stopped as soon as I realized I was doing it. Colin remained quiet, so I grabbed his chin, tilting his head up and forcing him to look at me. “Why are you doing this?” I asked, halfway between a plea and an accusation. “I don’t understand.”
Colin looked into my eyes resolutely. He seemed to be thinking, considering his next words with care. His eyes slid closed. If I hadn’t still been holding his jaw he would have turned away again.
“I think I’m in love with you.”
That was the very last thing I had expected. I was stunned enough that I dropped my hold on him. I could only stare, dumbfounded.
Now that he was free, Colin turned his head to stare at the wall of the hotel. I suppose he was waiting for me to say something, anything, but shock had frozen my vocal chords. Finally he gave a shuddering sigh, his shoulders slumping.
“Goodbye, Ryan.”
Oh Hell no. Colin had turned to go. He was walking back to the lobby doors. His sudden departure forced my brain to start working again.
“You can’t say that and just leave!” I yelled.
He wasn’t stopping. He was twenty feet from the doors, and I was still standing there like an idiot. He was fifteen feet away.
Without another thought I bolted after him, skidding to a halt just past him and then flinging myself around. Colin looked up at me, his gaze curious, but dull. I reached for him, laying one hand on either shoulder, and I kissed him.
Yes, I know we were in a public place and that anyone could see us. At that moment, in fact, an elderly couple was leaving the hotel, and we were standing in full view not ten feet away, but none of that mattered.
Instinct had taken over.
The moment my lips touched Colin’s I ceased to think. I didn’t need to. Kissing him was natural, as natural as a river flowing into the sea or the sun rising in the east. It was so simple and so right that it was a wonder I hadn’t done it before.
Colin made a little mewling sound in the back of his throat. His arms came up to cradle my back, softly at first and then with more forced as the kiss deepened. My arms wound around his shoulders as if my life depended on it, and in a way I think it did. After all, a life without Colin in it would hardly be worth living.
His lips parted beneath mine. His tongue came out to hesitantly slide along my lower lip, tasting me briefly before darting back. My own tongue chased his back into his mouth; I was desperate to kiss him in a way we’d never even gotten close to on stage. It was wonderful and now that I’d gotten a taste I knew that I could never get enough.
I suddenly felt so stupid. I was in love with Colin. How had I not known this before? But then he was sliding his tongue along mine again and I forgot to do anything but feel.
Eventually we both needed to come up for air. Colin pulled back though his arms stayed securely around me, hands clinging to the back of my t-shirt.
“We can’t stand here and kiss all night,” he panted against my lips.
I was more than ready to argue that I could stand there and kiss him for the rest of my life, but logic was slowly seeping back into my brain. I gave a slight nod. “We need to talk.”
By some unspoken agreement we headed inside and directly to his room. Once there, we neglected to turn on the lights, just headed toward the bed and sat down on the edge, side by side. We could barely see one another in the dim light, but that didn’t matter. We weren’t looking at each other, just facing forward, our arms brushing with each intake of breath.
Colin was the first to break the silence. “What do we do now?”
It seemed to me a ludicrous question. We loved each other. We would be together. But there was logic creeping around the back of my brain again, giving me a little kick, and I realized what Colin was really asking: what about our wives? I had no answer for that. I could only say exactly what I was thinking.
“I want to be with you,” I told him. Something occurred to me then, something that I had yet to say. “I know I’m in love with you.”
“But what about Pat? What about Deb? And Luke? And Sam and–“
"I don’t know,” I cut him off. But no, that was a lie. “Yes, I do,” I corrected myself. I turned to face Colin at the same time that he was turning to face me. Now that our eyes had adjusted I could see the love in his eyes. And the confusion. “I want to be with you,” I said, repeating my earlier statement. “I’ve always wanted to be with you. I just never let myself think what that might mean.”
“We’re married,” Colin said simply.
“We are,” I agreed. “You love Deb, and I love Pat, but I think – I know we love each other more.”
I could see in his eyes that he wanted to take that and run with it, but Colin had always been the more logical one between the two of us, and he wasn’t about to let his feelings override his common sense.
“How can you decide that so quickly?” he asked. “An hour ago you were having dinner with your family, and now you act like they mean nothing to you.”
“That’s not how I feel, and you know it. But this,” and I grabbed his hands in mine to emphasize my meaning, “has been a long time in coming. We just weren’t ready for it before.”
Colin still looked doubtful, but I could tell he was being swayed.
Suddenly I needed to kiss him again. I needed it like air; it was a wonder I had survived long enough to know that, to figure out just what my life had been missing. When we parted, Colin had a silly smile on his lips that made him beautiful.
“I still think we should sleep on this.”
“So do I.”
Colin’s grin grew wider. “Alone,” he said.
I had to laugh at that. Impulsively I pulled him into a hug, squeezing tightly, delighted at the feel of him against me. I turned to whisper in his ear, “How about together, but we keep our clothes on?”
Colin chuckled deeply, joyously. The sound reverberated through my chest and spread outward until even my fingertips were tingling with it.
“Deal.”
End
08/14/05
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aaaaah!
Date: 2005-08-14 06:14 pm (UTC)You know, somebody who writes as well as you do they should tie to a chair for a couple of hours a day and force to write smutty stories for the greater good. ;)
Indy
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Date: 2005-08-14 07:16 pm (UTC)That said, I loved how you let the reader see everything from one character's POV. So many fics sort of 'baby' the reader by making every little feeling crystal clear, many times over. It was fabulous to feel Ryan's confusion, because I couldn't be sure where it was going (though I had a shrewd suspiscion xD).
Do keep writing.
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Date: 2005-08-14 07:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 10:58 pm (UTC)And I must admit.. I really dig the song "I think I love you".
I actually have four different versions of it (2 punk, american idol, Partridge Family) on my computer ^_____^
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Date: 2005-08-14 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-15 12:34 am (UTC)rebecca
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Date: 2005-08-15 02:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-18 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-18 05:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-04 01:16 pm (UTC)Heh, I love this:
“Thank you?” I offered. I think I was trying to gauge if he had really spoken or if I was just going insane.
I can just picture Ryan's face here. And then for different reasons, I love this too:
My arms wound around his shoulders as if my life depended on it, and in a way I think it did. After all, a life without Colin in it would hardly be worth living.
Awww. *sniff*
Back to the archives! *dives*
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Date: 2009-01-04 09:37 am (UTC)Due to that, I also have trouble reading them. Because as obvious as they like to be, I can't buy them as a couple sometimes. My own personal canon can never have them be happy together, I guess.
But this just rang so true to me, and what really made me buy into it was the "you smell nice exchange". Because at that point I really could see Ryan choking on the sip of water.
So, amazing is all I have to say.