A Fool's Paradise

[rycolfan.livejournal.com]

Title - A Fool's Paradise
Author - Rycolfan
Rating - NC-17 (to be safe)
Pairing - Ryan/Colin
Summary - Fate brings Ryan and Colin together once again...
Disclaimer - Purely a work of fiction.  No offense intended.
Feedback - Is greatly appreciated.

I can finally present the sequel to Star-Crossed, something which I've been working on for quite a while.  Zander gets the credit for the title of this part, the icon, and for the plot foundations of this series, which is why I wanted to get it finished before she leaves next week.  This fic has caused me many a headache, and I'm not sure how well it turned out - it kinda took on a life of its own - so please let me know what you think.  ^_^ x

A/N - For the purposes of this fic, Colin and Brad only joined the guys for one show in Vegas.

 

Ryan entered the green room, backstage at the MGM Grand in Vegas, and looked around, a flutter of nerves in his stomach. He felt a twinge of disappointment when he didn’t see the face he was looking for. Jeff, Chip, and Greg were already there, the latter catching his eye and smiling knowingly as he approached.

“He’s not here yet, dude.”

Ryan ran a hand through his hair absent-mindedly, resisting the urge to pace. “Have you seen him?”

Greg shook his head, but Jeff, who had been chatting to Chip whilst picking at a bowl of peanuts, looked over when he overheard the question. “I saw him arrive earlier with Brad,” he remarked, throwing another handful into his mouth. “He looked happy enough to be here.”

Ryan nodded, and grinned sheepishly. “It’s just been a long time, that’s all.”

“Well, you don’t have to wait any longer,” Greg murmured, nodding his head towards the door with a smirk.

His legs suddenly leaden, Ryan turned and met the gaze which never failed to steal his breath. Colin flashed him a smile, then looked away to greet Chip and Jeff who had walked over. Brad stood just behind him, his expression unreadable as his eyes swept across Ryan’s face, and Ryan wondered if he hadn’t been the only one to confide in a friend.

Greg nudged Ryan’s arm as he left his side to go and greet them too, and Ryan forced his feet to follow. Colin grinned, pulling Greg into a hug, before his eyes found Ryan’s again.

“Hey, Col,” Ryan smiled, uncomfortably aware of everyone watching them.

“Hey,” Colin said softly, returning the smile. 

Ryan hesitated, longing to reach out and hug him but suddenly unsure about his reaction, and Colin, sensing this, stepped forward to pull him into a tight embrace. “It’s good to see you, Ry.”

As he wrapped his arms around Colin tightly, Ryan saw Greg steering Chip, Jeff, and a reluctant Brad away out of the corner of his eye, and he made a mental note to buy the man a large drink later on. He pulled back, intent on saying everything that he’d wanted to say since their last goodbye, but, as he took a deep breath, Drew entered the room and clapped his hands together loudly. 

“Okay; who’s ready to make a show?” Spotting Colin, his grin widened and he walked over.  “Hey, Colin. I’m so glad you and Brad could make it.”

“We wouldn’t have missed it,” Colin replied warmly, moving away from Ryan who immediately felt the loss. “It almost feels like the old days, except for the new you of course.”

“Looking good, Drew,” Brad called, grinning, as he walked over. “Who the hell came up with ‘Improv-A-Ganza’, though? It sounds like a bad Italian dish.”

Drew held his hands up. “Don’t look at me; some company executive thought it up.”

Brad snorted. “I’m sure they were very pleased with themselves.”

“Better than ‘Whose Line: The Golden Years’ I guess,” Ryan shrugged. “Or should that be olden years?”

Colin snorted at mock-glanced at his watch. “There’s the age gag. Now you just need a bald joke and you’re ready to roll.”

Ryan’s playful retort was cut off before it could leave his mouth, as the producer entered and commanded their presence on stage.

“Time to play,” Brad said happily, slinging an arm around Colin’s shoulders as they headed off. Ryan followed behind, steeling himself for the show ahead, and tried not to scowl at Brad’s back.

There wasn’t time to dwell on anything much during the show, although Ryan’s eyes kept drifting back to rest on Colin when he wasn’t doing anything; he pretended not to notice the smirks that Greg sent his way in response. Sharing the stage with Colin again, playing and laughing alongside him, brought back a joy he’d almost forgotten.

Everyone was on a natural high when the show was over, and the group automatically headed for the nearest alcohol supply. While the happiness was infectious, Colin was constantly surrounded by other people and Ryan felt increasingly frustrated by it; he really needed to talk to him, alone, but being able to do that was looking more and more unlikely. Coming up with a plan, he muttered an excuse and left. It might not work, but he had to try.

Colin took a mouthful of drink, smiling at the youthful exuberance of his younger cast mates; it was like watching kids on a sugar rush. He tuned out of the current conversation, his mind wandering idly. There’d always been an invisible line between the youngsters, like Jeff, and the oldies such as himself. Jeff and Chip were very much like himself and Ryan at that age; there was a natural chemistry there, a spark of magic when they performed together that couldn’t be defined. He sighed inwardly at the thought of the man who always brought a rush of feelings and memories, and found himself looking around to find Ryan’s lanky frame amongst the crowd, but he was nowhere in sight. 

Frowning, he was about to go over and question Greg when his cell phone trilled. When he pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the screen, his eyebrows rose in surprise at the name displayed; he didn’t think Ryan knew how to text. He suppressed a snort at the message, which was just one long line of letters - obviously Ryan hadn’t quite worked out spaces yet – but his heart constricted at its meaning.

Ineedtotalktoyoualone.Room762.Please.

He’d known that it was inevitable, that they needed to talk after the way they’d left things last time, but he still hesitated for a minute before excusing himself and heading for the elevators.  Four pairs of eyes watched him leave, varying emotions shining within their depths.

Ryan paced the length of his hotel room, unable to keep still for longer than a few seconds. Had Colin got his text? Would he refuse? Would he at least reply if he wasn’t coming? His mind continued to race until a knock sounded on the door, and Ryan froze mid-stride. Swallowing around his suddenly very dry mouth, he moved swiftly towards the door and opened it to reveal Colin.

He smiled in relief, stepping aside to let Colin pass. “Thanks for coming.”

Colin hesitated, looking past Ryan into the large room beyond where the corner of the bed was just visible. “I’m not sure if this is a good idea, Ry.”

Ryan saw the conflict in his eyes, and rushed to reassure him; he couldn’t let him walk away now. “I just want to talk; that’s all.”

Colin’s eyes flicked back to his and a slight smile lifted his mouth. “It’s never that simple with us,” he said, but walked forwards nonetheless. Ryan closed the door and turned to face him again, resisting the urge to immediately pull him close.

“You want a drink?” he asked, as Colin wandered over to the window and looked out at the view.

“No, thanks,” Colin replied, without turning. “I’d better keep a clear head.”

Ryan frowned, moving closer, his craving for a stiff drink forgotten. “You don’t trust me?”

Colin turned around swiftly and shook his head. “I don’t trust myself.” He reached out to grasp Ryan’s hand gently, a soft smile gracing his face. “My moral compass goes awry when you’re near me.”

“Is that why you’ve stayed away?” Ryan asked quietly, fearing the answer.

“Partly,” Colin replied, looking down at their joined hands. “I also thought it might get easier.”

“And did it?”

Dark brown eyes slid up to meet his. “No; it hurt like hell.” Ryan reached out to touch his face, but Colin moved away abruptly, back towards the window where hundreds of lights glittered in the darkness beyond. “But we can’t keep doing this, Ry; last year proved that.”

Fear gripped Ryan’s heart at the finality of that statement. He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry about what happened; I took my guilt out on you, and it was inexcusable.”

Colin’s pale face, reflected in the window, looked wearily resigned. “But you were right to feel guilty; this is wrong.”

“No,” Ryan said firmly; “we may be breaking a few vows, but what we share isn’t wrong. On the contrary; it’s the only thing that feels totally right to me and no matter how much guilt plagues my mind, it’s nothing to how I’d feel if I had to give you up.” He raised a hand to touch Colin’s shoulder, but thought better of it and his hand dropped to his side in defeat. “Right or wrong, you’ll always be the most important person in my life, Col.”

Colin turned with a tortured smile. “You mustn’t say that.”

“Why not?” Ryan asked, frowning. “It’s the truth.”

“Because it makes it damn near impossible for me not to kiss you.”

Ryan forced himself not to look down at the inviting lips, which would almost certainly make him give into temptation. “Sorry; am I messing up your moral compass again?”

Colin sighed and stepped closer, so that only a sliver of air was between them. “No; you’ve destroyed it.”

“Sorr-“ 

Colin clamped a hand over his mouth. “Stop apologizing; I could walk away if I wanted to.” He slowly lowered his hand and Ryan stared into his eyes, hardly daring to breathe, knowing that the moment their lips touched they’d both be lost.

“I wouldn’t try to stop you.”

“I know,” Colin said, smiling sadly, “and that just makes me love you even more.” He reached up to cup Ryan’s face, his eyes shining with unspoken emotions. “The fact is that this is stronger than either of us, Ry.”

Ryan’s heart was beating very fast at their close proximity, his arms itching to wrap themselves around the man before him. “You should go now,” he croaked, forcing the words out which went against every fibre of his being. 

“Yes, I should,” Colin agreed, swiftly closing the gap.

The moment Colin’s lips met his, Ryan’s self control evaporated. He pulled Colin against him and held him tightly, closing his eyes as the kiss released a torrent of emotions. How had he gone without this for so long? Colin showed the same desperation, moaning as he pressed closer and deepened the kiss, and his familiar taste flooded Ryan’s mouth, sending jolts of electricity throughout his body.

“God; I’ve missed you, Col,“ Ryan murmured, trailing kisses down Colin’s neck.

Colin tilted his head to give Ryan better access and his eyes slipped shut, his fingers burying themselves in Ryan’s hair. “Missed you, too,” he gasped; “so much.”

Ryan moved back up to capture Colin’s mouth, needing his taste, fingers fumbled to hurriedly undo buttons, desperate to reach the warm flesh beneath, and it was like they were back in that first hotel room all those years ago. Sure, there were a few more lines and wrinkles on the familiar bodies, markers of the years which had passed, but neither man noticed or cared. Clothes were flung aside as they lay down on the bed, and their lips met again, this time with a slow tenderness.

For Ryan, making love to Colin was setting his soul free and he savoured every moment, every soft caress, every whispered word, fearing that it could be his last. They tumbled over the edge together in one perfect moment, and it was only when Colin reached up to touch Ryan’s cheek that he realized that a single tear had escaped. He closed his eyes, leaning into Colin’s hand, and turned his head to kiss it before settling down beside him, spooning, pulling Colin back against his chest.

“I don’t want to let you go again,” he said softly. “I never want to let you go.” He felt Colin’s fingers entwine with his, squeezing gently.

“I know; I don’t either. But we have to. We always have to.”

“Stay tonight… please. I need you.”

Colin turned his head and met Ryan’s lips tenderly. “I’m right here.”

Ryan opened his eyes the following morning to find Colin still in his arms, sleeping peacefully, and, at that moment, he would have given his soul to wake up that way every morning. He tightened his arms around Colin, clinging on to the last few precious moments before the dream was shattered. Colin stirred against him and Ryan couldn’t help dipping his head to kiss the lips so close to his; so warm and yielding to his touch. When he lifted his head he found that Colin’s eyes were open, and the sad resignation was back within them. Their brief happiness was already slipping through their fingers.

“I need to go, Ry. My flight’s at ten.”

“Five more minutes,” Ryan murmured, kissing away Colin’s half-hearted protest. Five minutes became ten, ten became fifteen, and Ryan finally had to let Colin slip from his arms. 

Time marched them relentlessly towards the moment when they would have to part once more and, in what felt like the blink of an eye, Ryan was standing in the hotel lobby, preparing to say goodbye again. His throat constricted as Colin pulled him into a final hug but he was all too aware of the many people around, some of whom were staring curiously, cruelly taking away his chance to say goodbye the way he wanted. Brad stood behind them with Greg, Jeff, and Chip, shifting his luggage from one hand to the other impatiently, having already said his goodbyes, but Ryan refused to let himself be rushed.

“Take care, Ryan,” Colin said softly in his ear, pulling back with a sad smile.

Ryan wanted to ask when he’d see him again, but was too afraid of the answer. He struggled for a moment, finally settling for, “You too.”

“You can always ring me, you know,” Colin said in a playful tone, trying to lighten the moment. “Phones don’t bite.”

“Hey; you never ring me either,” Ryan replied indignantly, but a grin was threatening to break through.

Colin laughed, squeezing his arm briefly before turning away, and Ryan watched him walk out into the blinding sunshine with Brad. After a moment, he felt a hand rest on his shoulder supportively as Greg came to stand beside him. Ryan didn’t look at him; his eyes were fixed on the cab now moving off, taking Colin away from him again.

The loud trill of a cell phone broke Ryan’s reverie, and he belatedly realized that it was his own. He extracted it from his pocket, his puzzled frown transforming into a smile at the name displayed.  He quickly hit the button to answer.

“Hey.”

“I’m ringing you,” Colin said, a smile evident in his voice. “Listen; I’ve been asked to do a charity gig in Vancouver next month… do you want to join me?”

Ryan felt the weight on his heart lessen considerably, and his smile widened. “Sure; I’ll be there.”   

When the call ended a few minutes later, Ryan’s smile remained.