[FIC] Untitled #1

[anesthesiagirl.livejournal.com]

This is my V-day fic for Maradao. I really struggled with this one, so be gentle......

Title: Untitled #1
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: PG
Summary: How Ryan learned to love Valentine's day.
Disclaimer: Not mine.



Valentine's Day had long been the one day of the year that Ryan wished would just fall off the calendar. It had started when he was a child, when all the other boys would get pretty, frilly valentines from all the girls in the class, yet he would only get the generic, "pity" card from the teacher. It was the same every year. By high school, Ryan had taken to feigning illness on Valentine's day, conning his mother into allowing him to remain in bed for the day, lying in the dark, feeling sorry for himself.

After dropping out of school and taking a job in a local comedy club, Ryan had found that women did like him, or at least the idea of him. He'd enjoyed more than a few one night stands, but the women always left in the morning, and he never saw them again. Most of the time he was okay with that, but every once and awhile he'd wish for something more. And every year, when that fateful day rolled around again, he would disappear for the day, too afraid of the pain if he allowed himself to take someone home for the night.

And here it was again, another February 14th. Ryan had spent the day holed up in his apartment, only finally getting out of bed in the early evening when the desire for alcohol had overwhelmed the desire for solitude. Without even a shower, he stumbled down the street to the small, dark bar he'd discovered years ago. It was a quiet place where everyone went to be alone, the drinks were strong, and, if asked, the bartender couldn't describe a single patron. Slipping through the door, he quickly surveyed the room, and slid onto a bar stool.

"A whiskey and a beer." he requested, barely above a whisper. He laid a $10 on the bar and silently lifted the shot to his lips. Barely tipping his head back, he drained the warm liquid and relished in the burn that trailed down his throat.

The night marched on, one drink blending into another until Ryan could barely make out the faces around him. He sat, his long frame perched on the the bar stool, and leaned heavily against the bar. It was hard, when he got like this, to not feel sorry for himself. He was alone, after all. He swallowed down the last of the been in front of him, closed his eyes, and laid his head down on the bar.

"Uh, hi." a voice said from behind him. Ryan didn't even raise his head, hoping that if he pretended he was passed out, that the owner of the voice would either kick him out or leave him alone, and either option sounded good.

"Hello?" the voice repeated. He knew he couldn't get out of it now and he picked up his head to find the owner of the voice.

"Yes?" he asked, turning to find a tall young man standing behind him.

"Are you okay?" the man asked, genuinely.

Ryan shook his head. So many ways to answer that question, but he chose simplicity. "Yeah, I'm alright, just drinking away my sorrows."

"Can I join you?" he asked. Ryan couldn't believe it. Who was this forward stranger? Oh, whatever, he decided.

"Suit yourself."

The two men sat in silence, Ryan continuing to down his beers while the other man nursed his own. They spoke very little, but Ryan was amazed at how comfortable he felt with the man. At long last the lights flickered on in the bar, accompanied by several half-hearted groans from the various patrons. The man stood, turned towards Ryan and extended his hand.

"I'm Colin, by the way."

Ryan returned the gesture, surprised at the warmth and firmness of Colin's grip. "Ryan."

"Well, Ryan, nice to meet you." Colin said, and then turned and walked out of the bar.

Ryan sat for a few more moments, wondering if the empty feeling he was experiencing was from the alcohol or from the strange encounter with Colin. The bartender decided for him, telling him he was drunk and he needed to head home. Ryan rose and stumbled out into the cold. Another Valentine's day, down the drain.

-----

The days and weeks blended into each other, a blur of drunken nights in the clubs, playing to the tired and the horny, usually finding a dancer to take home for the night, but waking in the morning to find her gone. Ryan had come to accept that this was his life.

It was a cool spring night when Ryan stood on stage, barely noticing that the crowd was a bit different than most nights. Sure, there were still the assortment of dirty men leering over the dancers and seemingly unaware of his presence, but there was a small group of well dressed men and women sitting in the back. He continued on with his routine, trying to sound enthused, but knowing that boredom bit into his voice with every word. Finally, annoyed by the complete lack of response, he slipped out of his stage persona and his snarky, true feelings shone through.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked the audience. "Can't you appreciate a little humor? Come on, take Bunny there.....she's kinda funny, right? I mean, look at her dance......balancing on those teeny-tiny 6 inch heels. It's hard to look sexy when you are trying not to fall down. But no, you don't even notice, all you see is tits and ass......so, I'm thinking, if I get up here naked, will you pay attention to me?" Ryan wasn't really sure where he was going with this, but the more he spoke, the more it fueled him, and he pulled his shirt over his head, revealing his ghostly thin frame. He shook his hips around a little as the girls stopped to watch him and he continued to egg the crowd on. As a few cat calls echoed out from the room, he undid the button of his jeans and shimmied out of them, throwing them to Bunny, who was standing on the stage giggling at him. There he stood, naked save his battered tennis shoes, finishing up his act that had now captured the attention of the room. He finished to a huge round of applause and congratulations as he left the stage, snagging his jeans back from Bunny on the way down.

He came back out from back stage after redressing and surveyed the room that had basically returned to normal, girls on stage, leering men in the pits. Ryan made his way over to the owner to collect his pay, mentally deciding that this was NOT the night to wait for a dancer. As the skirted across the room, he felt a hand land on his shoulder and turn him.

"Hi Ryan." the seemingly familiar voice announced. Ryan turned to see a man grinning expectantly back at him. "That was great man. I had no idea you were a comedian. Wow."

"Uh, thanks. I'm sorry, do I know you?" Ryan asked.

"Oh, sorry. Colin. We met a few months ago.....at a bar."

Ryan racked his brain trying to remember, and a fuzzy image of drunkenness and odd feelings finally returned. "Ah, yeah.....I vaguely recall. Hi."

Colin shuttled Ryan over to meet his friends, who were all improvers. The men sat for the rest of the evening, telling jokes and trying to one-up each other, laughing all night. Ryan was comfortable with this group, but was surprised when, at the end of the evening, Colin asked him to join them at their improv group the following week. He reluctantly agreed, figuring he had nothing to lose. There was something about Colin that just ate at Ryan, something that made him want to get to know him, to be around him. Ryan had never felt this pull towards another person before, and he was a bit uncomfortable with it, but it was such a warm feeling that he just couldn't ignore it either.

------

It was hard to believe, months later, that he hadn't been doing this for his whole life, that he hadn't known Colin his whole life. Improv was so natural for Ryan, and performing with Colin was the easiest thing he'd ever done. They had become the best of friends, rarely spending a whole day without seeing each other, and often flopping on each other's couches for the night rather than going home. Ryan often reflected, barely able to remember his life before Colin, on what their relationship really was. He realized, at a level a little higher than his self-conscious, that what he felt for Colin went beyond just friends. Sometimes, at night, when Colin was asleep on his couch, Ryan had to fight with every last bit of will power to not go out to the living room and take the older man into his arms. He dreamed at night of the two of them kissing, the feeling of Colin's warm lips on his own. Sometimes the dreams went far beyond kissing, and Ryan knew he should be embarrassed by them, but he wasn't. It was on the nights that he had those dreams that he woke happiest and most alive.

He wondered sometimes if Colin felt the same way. Sometimes, Ryan would catch Colin watching him, a sparkle in his gaze, but he'd look back again and it would be gone.

Ryan supposed that it didn't matter, he was happy, and so was Colin, and that's all that mattered.

_______

"So, what're you doing tonight?" Colin called from the other room.

"Nothing." Ryan answered dismissively. "I don't do Valentine's day."

"What do you mean, you don't 'do' Valentine's day? How can you not 'do' a holiday? Where's your spirit?" Colin prodded.

"I hate Valentine's, okay? Nothing good has EVER happened on Valentine's day. I just don't do it." Ryan grumbled, entering the living room where Colin still lounged on the couch.

"You met me on Valentine's day, didn't you?" Colin asked meekly, suddenly finding something very interesting to stare at on his hands.

Ryan almost staggered at the sudden pang in his chest. He stared at the man in front of him, the man he'd grown to love over the last year, wondering, once again, if that man could feel the way that he did. "Yeah, I guess I did. I can't believe you remember." Ryan whispered, staring at his feet.

"I remember. I remember everything. Every moment since I first laid eyes on you." Colin said slowly, daring to steal a glance at Ryan. "How can you hate Valentine's day when we, this, never would have happened if it weren't for that night?"

Ryan stood, frightened and pained, but hopeful, daring to believe. He couldn't bring himself to look at his friend, afraid that his eyes won't reflect his words.

Colin rose and crossed the distance to Ryan, reaching out tentatively to take his chin in his hand. He lifted Ryan's face to meet his own, suppressing a gasp at the emotion he saw reflected back at him. He leaned forward, his lips meeting Ryan's softly and chastely. They lost themselves in the moment, both afraid to breathe, afraid that it would be lost. It was Colin who pulled away first, a warm smile gracing his lips.

"Thank you." he breathed. "I've wanted that for longer than I can remember."

Ryan laughed, a warm, hearty sound in the cool apartment. "I have too, Colin, I have too."

"Now what?" Colin asked, the smile spreading across his face at Ryan's words.

"Let's go out. It is Valentine's day after all!" Ryan chuckled, pulling Colin back into his arms and back into his kiss.