FIC: The Truth About Cats and Dogs (1/?)
Nov. 1st, 2010 11:02 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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wl_fanfictionHi there. I just found this place recently - what a fantastic community. I've been reading through all the wonderful stories (which I must feedback!), and feeling an overwhelming urge to write myself, so...this happened.
I hope this is allowed - can I request an author tag and a series tag here? If not, I'm sorry - and please feel free to delete.
Title: The Truth About Cats and Dogs (1/?)
Author: Hannah/![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aslowformofwit
Rating: R
Main character(s) and/or pairings: Colin/Ryan
Summary: “Have you considered introducing your dog to other animals with weird hobbies? Like, say – a tapdancing monkey, or a stamp-collecting iguana?”
Word count: 1273
Feedback: Would be lovely. Constructive criticism is welcome. I am a hardy soul and I want to improve :)
Author's notes: Obviously, I was watching 'The Truth About Cats and Dogs' lately. So this is an AU fic where Colin is a radio vet, and Ryan is the caller who ends up becoming so much more than the guy who put rollerskates on his dog.
It was 11:30 on a Tuesday morning and so far, Colin had already dealt with a cat that was refusing to take her medicine, a pair of aggressive male guinea pigs, and a self-mutilating parrot. All in all, it was a pretty typical morning.
Ten minutes into it, and Colin was comfortably cruising in autopilot mode.
After the commercials, he launched straight back into the show, patter tripping easily off his tongue. “Welcome back, you’re listening to KRWW. I’m Dr. Colin Mochrie and this is The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Greg, who do we have on line one?”
He looked across the booth to his producer, who said, “Well, our next caller’s name is Ryan and…you know what? I don’t want to ruin the surprise, so…”
He trailed off with an open palmed flourish that handed the responsibility back to Colin, who blinked but gamely said, “Hello, Ryan?”
“Yeah,” came the somewhat strained reply on the other end. It was preceded and followed by agitated barking.
“I’m going to take a wild leap and guess – you’ve got a problem with your dog?”
“He’s not actually my dog – but you could say that.”
“Well, he seems to be your problem, so…tell me about it. I’m here to help,” Colin said, as his eyes drifted towards the clock. “What’s wrong with this dog?”
“It’s kind of a weird one” –
“How many times have I heard that one before?” He wondered aloud.
“ – he’s wearing roller-skates.”
Colin’s gaze snapped back to Greg. He narrowed his eyes, but apart from a quirked eyebrow, Greg’s expression was guileless.
“Your dog is wearing roller-skates,” Colin repeated, eyes still fixed on Greg. “Really.”
“Told you it was a weird one,” ‘Ryan’ said, through a volley of barks. “So – what do I do, Doc?”
“That is tough,” Colin said, as he pretended to think it over. “Have you considered introducing your dog to other animals with weird hobbies? Like, say – a tapdancing monkey, or a stamp-collecting iguana?”
“…What?”
“Oh, I know it sounds crazy” –
It sounded like this ‘Ryan’ was gritting his teeth. “You know, it kind of does”-
Aside from the completely unbelievable setup, he was very convincing. Colin had to hand it to Greg – between this ‘Ryan’ guy and the sound of legitimately crazed canine barking, he’d gone all out on this practical joke.
“ – but by countering your dog’s feelings of isolation you’ll deal with the root cause of his aggression!” he continued, voice bright with brainless enthusiasm.
“Great,” ‘Ryan’ said, in a voice that indicated the opposite, “But have you got anything quicker?”
“Hmm.” Greg was frowning at him, and Colin tapped his fingers on his desk. Absently, he said, “I don’t know – you could try a less stressful first date. Why don’t you take him out for kibble and leave the roller-skating for a really special occasion, like your first anniversary?”
There was a yelp-filled pause.
“So you’re saying I should take off the roller skates?” ‘Ryan’ said, a note of wariness in his voice.
Colin had to admire this guy’s commitment to the joke. Maybe he was going to use this recording as an audition piece or something.
“Sure,” he said, with a wave of his arms. “Take off the roller skates.”
“Yeah – and how do I do that again?”
“Well, if I were you, I’d think about how you put them on…but do it backwards this time.”
“And you’re saying it’s…okay – to do that?”
“Go for it,” Colin advised.
He looked up as Greg suddenly pushed past him and pressed the mute button. “Okay – while an on-air mauling might improve our ratings, I feel like I should be telling you to not give advice that could get the station sued.”
“What do you” –
The low growling in Colin’s headphones terminated in frenzied barking and a series of heartfelt, “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”s.
Something in Colin’s stomach turned over as he realized, “You’re telling me he’s for real?”
“If by ‘for real’ you mean there’s a guy out there dumb enough to put roller skates on his dog, then, sadly, yeah, that’s what I’m telling you,” Greg said.
Colin held Greg’s gaze for a moment, before wincing and nudging his finger off the mute button. “Um…hey,” he said. “Are you okay, Ryan?”
“Of course I’m not fucking okay! I’ve got a fucking dog on wheels trying to fucking eat me over here!”
With relief, Colin decided he sounded too coherent to be missing any fingers. “Okay, okay, just calm down – I’m going to talk you through this” –
“Calm down?! I’ve got a four-legged Ironside over here and he is pretty fuckin’ pissed off!”
“Ryan,” Colin said, attempting to make his voice both authoritative and soothing at the same time. “Just breathe. I’m going to help you – I promise.”
Amazingly, given that so far Colin’s advice had almost resulted in loss of limbs, Ryan seemed to buy this…right up to the part where Colin said, “Okay…you’re going to have to try and take off the roller skates again.”
“Nuh-uh,” Ryan said immediately. “Sorry, Doc – but no way. The last time I tried, Fido here almost got a free hand sandwich.”
“Yeah, but look on the bright side. The sooner you do this, well…the sooner it’s done.” It wasn’t the most inspiring motto, Colin supposed, but it was all he could think of at the moment. “Okay – if you want to get close to your dog without him biting you” –
“Which we’re aiming for,” Ryan agreed quickly.
“ – you probably need to get into a submissive position, so…get down on all fours.”
“…I never would have guessed Fido was so kinky.”
“He’s probably feeling threatened, so we need to make you seem less…” Colin waved a hand vaguely, “well – less.” He paused. “Are you ready?”
There was a reluctant, “…yeah.”
“Good. Then you need to crawl towards him slowly. Keep your head hanging down to one side, and don’t make eye-contact” –
“Sounds uh, sounds kind of like my last date,” Ryan said. Colin could hear him swallow.
“You’re doing good,” he reassured him. “Where are you? Are you close?” There was an awkward kind of clunking noise that Colin assumed might be made by a dog in roller skates trying and failing to back up.
“Close,” Ryan echoed.
“Okay,” Colin said. “Now you’re going to try and calm your dog with your voice – keep it low and soothing.”
“Gooood boy,” Ryan tried. “Gooood not hungry at all doggie.”
“Now, you’re going to curl your fingers into your palm, and then you’re going to reach out and try to touch him.”
“I am?”
“You are.”
“Oh man.”
Colin leaned forward in his chair, as the silence stretched out. Then –
“Sounds good,” he said, letting his eyes fall closed as the sound of panting and enthusiastic licking became audible.
“Yeah. Slobbery,” Ryan confirmed, “but good.” Addressing the dog he said, “Now, how about we take those wheels off, buddy?”
“Great,” Colin smiled, enjoying the moment. Abruptly, he straightened at the ‘wrap it up’ signal from Greg and said, briskly, “Well, I’m glad we could help. If you stay on the line, Greg can organize some pamphlets on dog care for you – you know, dietary requirements, vaccinations…” he paused, “…appropriate toys…”
“Whoa – hey, this isn’t my dog,” Ryan interrupted.
Colin blinked. “You can still say that after what the two of you have been through together? With that kind of attitude I’m willing to bet your last date didn’t work out either.”
Without waiting for an answer, Colin turned to Greg and said, “Who do we have on line two?”
Within five minutes, he was back to working on autopilot.
I hope this is allowed - can I request an author tag and a series tag here? If not, I'm sorry - and please feel free to delete.
Title: The Truth About Cats and Dogs (1/?)
Author: Hannah/
aslowformofwitRating: R
Main character(s) and/or pairings: Colin/Ryan
Summary: “Have you considered introducing your dog to other animals with weird hobbies? Like, say – a tapdancing monkey, or a stamp-collecting iguana?”
Word count: 1273
Feedback: Would be lovely. Constructive criticism is welcome. I am a hardy soul and I want to improve :)
Author's notes: Obviously, I was watching 'The Truth About Cats and Dogs' lately. So this is an AU fic where Colin is a radio vet, and Ryan is the caller who ends up becoming so much more than the guy who put rollerskates on his dog.
It was 11:30 on a Tuesday morning and so far, Colin had already dealt with a cat that was refusing to take her medicine, a pair of aggressive male guinea pigs, and a self-mutilating parrot. All in all, it was a pretty typical morning.
Ten minutes into it, and Colin was comfortably cruising in autopilot mode.
After the commercials, he launched straight back into the show, patter tripping easily off his tongue. “Welcome back, you’re listening to KRWW. I’m Dr. Colin Mochrie and this is The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Greg, who do we have on line one?”
He looked across the booth to his producer, who said, “Well, our next caller’s name is Ryan and…you know what? I don’t want to ruin the surprise, so…”
He trailed off with an open palmed flourish that handed the responsibility back to Colin, who blinked but gamely said, “Hello, Ryan?”
“Yeah,” came the somewhat strained reply on the other end. It was preceded and followed by agitated barking.
“I’m going to take a wild leap and guess – you’ve got a problem with your dog?”
“He’s not actually my dog – but you could say that.”
“Well, he seems to be your problem, so…tell me about it. I’m here to help,” Colin said, as his eyes drifted towards the clock. “What’s wrong with this dog?”
“It’s kind of a weird one” –
“How many times have I heard that one before?” He wondered aloud.
“ – he’s wearing roller-skates.”
Colin’s gaze snapped back to Greg. He narrowed his eyes, but apart from a quirked eyebrow, Greg’s expression was guileless.
“Your dog is wearing roller-skates,” Colin repeated, eyes still fixed on Greg. “Really.”
“Told you it was a weird one,” ‘Ryan’ said, through a volley of barks. “So – what do I do, Doc?”
“That is tough,” Colin said, as he pretended to think it over. “Have you considered introducing your dog to other animals with weird hobbies? Like, say – a tapdancing monkey, or a stamp-collecting iguana?”
“…What?”
“Oh, I know it sounds crazy” –
It sounded like this ‘Ryan’ was gritting his teeth. “You know, it kind of does”-
Aside from the completely unbelievable setup, he was very convincing. Colin had to hand it to Greg – between this ‘Ryan’ guy and the sound of legitimately crazed canine barking, he’d gone all out on this practical joke.
“ – but by countering your dog’s feelings of isolation you’ll deal with the root cause of his aggression!” he continued, voice bright with brainless enthusiasm.
“Great,” ‘Ryan’ said, in a voice that indicated the opposite, “But have you got anything quicker?”
“Hmm.” Greg was frowning at him, and Colin tapped his fingers on his desk. Absently, he said, “I don’t know – you could try a less stressful first date. Why don’t you take him out for kibble and leave the roller-skating for a really special occasion, like your first anniversary?”
There was a yelp-filled pause.
“So you’re saying I should take off the roller skates?” ‘Ryan’ said, a note of wariness in his voice.
Colin had to admire this guy’s commitment to the joke. Maybe he was going to use this recording as an audition piece or something.
“Sure,” he said, with a wave of his arms. “Take off the roller skates.”
“Yeah – and how do I do that again?”
“Well, if I were you, I’d think about how you put them on…but do it backwards this time.”
“And you’re saying it’s…okay – to do that?”
“Go for it,” Colin advised.
He looked up as Greg suddenly pushed past him and pressed the mute button. “Okay – while an on-air mauling might improve our ratings, I feel like I should be telling you to not give advice that could get the station sued.”
“What do you” –
The low growling in Colin’s headphones terminated in frenzied barking and a series of heartfelt, “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”s.
Something in Colin’s stomach turned over as he realized, “You’re telling me he’s for real?”
“If by ‘for real’ you mean there’s a guy out there dumb enough to put roller skates on his dog, then, sadly, yeah, that’s what I’m telling you,” Greg said.
Colin held Greg’s gaze for a moment, before wincing and nudging his finger off the mute button. “Um…hey,” he said. “Are you okay, Ryan?”
“Of course I’m not fucking okay! I’ve got a fucking dog on wheels trying to fucking eat me over here!”
With relief, Colin decided he sounded too coherent to be missing any fingers. “Okay, okay, just calm down – I’m going to talk you through this” –
“Calm down?! I’ve got a four-legged Ironside over here and he is pretty fuckin’ pissed off!”
“Ryan,” Colin said, attempting to make his voice both authoritative and soothing at the same time. “Just breathe. I’m going to help you – I promise.”
Amazingly, given that so far Colin’s advice had almost resulted in loss of limbs, Ryan seemed to buy this…right up to the part where Colin said, “Okay…you’re going to have to try and take off the roller skates again.”
“Nuh-uh,” Ryan said immediately. “Sorry, Doc – but no way. The last time I tried, Fido here almost got a free hand sandwich.”
“Yeah, but look on the bright side. The sooner you do this, well…the sooner it’s done.” It wasn’t the most inspiring motto, Colin supposed, but it was all he could think of at the moment. “Okay – if you want to get close to your dog without him biting you” –
“Which we’re aiming for,” Ryan agreed quickly.
“ – you probably need to get into a submissive position, so…get down on all fours.”
“…I never would have guessed Fido was so kinky.”
“He’s probably feeling threatened, so we need to make you seem less…” Colin waved a hand vaguely, “well – less.” He paused. “Are you ready?”
There was a reluctant, “…yeah.”
“Good. Then you need to crawl towards him slowly. Keep your head hanging down to one side, and don’t make eye-contact” –
“Sounds uh, sounds kind of like my last date,” Ryan said. Colin could hear him swallow.
“You’re doing good,” he reassured him. “Where are you? Are you close?” There was an awkward kind of clunking noise that Colin assumed might be made by a dog in roller skates trying and failing to back up.
“Close,” Ryan echoed.
“Okay,” Colin said. “Now you’re going to try and calm your dog with your voice – keep it low and soothing.”
“Gooood boy,” Ryan tried. “Gooood not hungry at all doggie.”
“Now, you’re going to curl your fingers into your palm, and then you’re going to reach out and try to touch him.”
“I am?”
“You are.”
“Oh man.”
Colin leaned forward in his chair, as the silence stretched out. Then –
“Sounds good,” he said, letting his eyes fall closed as the sound of panting and enthusiastic licking became audible.
“Yeah. Slobbery,” Ryan confirmed, “but good.” Addressing the dog he said, “Now, how about we take those wheels off, buddy?”
“Great,” Colin smiled, enjoying the moment. Abruptly, he straightened at the ‘wrap it up’ signal from Greg and said, briskly, “Well, I’m glad we could help. If you stay on the line, Greg can organize some pamphlets on dog care for you – you know, dietary requirements, vaccinations…” he paused, “…appropriate toys…”
“Whoa – hey, this isn’t my dog,” Ryan interrupted.
Colin blinked. “You can still say that after what the two of you have been through together? With that kind of attitude I’m willing to bet your last date didn’t work out either.”
Without waiting for an answer, Colin turned to Greg and said, “Who do we have on line two?”
Within five minutes, he was back to working on autopilot.
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