[FIC] Nocturne 9/12

[sungreen70.livejournal.com]

Sorry it took so long - here's the next chapter! Dedicated to caelieth , who made the gorgeous banner below *jumps around gleefully* Thanks to indybaggins   for beta duty :) 

Title: Nocturne
Author: Sun Green
Pairing: Colin/Ryan
Rating: R
Summary: It's been almost twenty years since Colin found happiness with Ryan. But the demons of his past continue to haunt him. (AU in that the wives do not exist - Colin and Ryan are married to each other)
Disclaimer: Please, if I did own 'em, you think I'd have all this time on my hands to write fics about 'em? 

 

 

Somehow, he’d lost sight of what he was meant to do.

 

Gavin heaved himself down on the sofa with a thud and frowned at the cellar door, idly spinning the ring of keys around his finger. He let out an exasperated breath. All these years of planning, all these months of working to set the wheels in motion, and he’d nearly gone and fallen into the same trap that had taken down his father. He’d been a sucker for those stories, intrigued despite himself when, for all Gavin knew, he was making them up to charm Gavin into going easy on him. Which he had. Gavin scowled. Christ, he’d had him here almost a week now and hadn’t done a damn thing to make him pay for what he’d done. Instead, he’d been running a fucking hotel, bringing him meals and letting him feel like he had some kind of power over Gavin, giving him little glimpses of his father and keeping him coming back for more.

 

And then, when he had Gavin hooked, he’d changed his tune. Hurling those accusations about his parents and their marriage – trying to undermine everything Gavin knew about his family and what they’d lost. Everything he’d devoted his life to avenging.

 

The worst part was, it had almost worked. He’d begun having doubts. Not about his family – no, he didn’t believe any of that bullshit. Of course his parents had loved each other; they had - he knew they had… But he’d almost started to feel sorry for him, to think that maybe he wasn’t the bastard that Gavin had always known he was. That he was exactly what he’d been trying to convince Gavin he was - just a guy; a guy who’d cared about Gavin’s father and been hurt too. 

 

Starting to think that way had almost made Gavin give up. He had thought about just letting him go… putting him in the car and driving out to the middle of nowhere… let him out, and then just keep on going. He could start over somewhere else, where no one would ever track him down. It wasn’t like there was anything holding him here anymore, now that he’d… well, at least he’d started what he set out to do. So he’d failed. It wasn’t like he’d never failed at anything else before. In fact, there wasn’t much about which Gavin could honestly say he’d ever succeeded. He swore under his breath and flung the keys down on the side table with a loud clatter.

 

Gavin remembered the way he’d looked, when he asked him point blank if he’d loved his father. That trapped look in his eyes, wanting to lie and tell Gavin that yes; yes he had loved him, and at least give Gavin the small comfort of knowing that even if – if – there was possibly the slightest bit of truth to his claims, at least his father hadn’t died alone and unloved. At least he could have given him that.

 

But no – he couldn’t do it. His eyes had betrayed him, and Gavin had seen the truth there. He had never loved Gavin’s father, not like Ryan. He’d even admitted it, with all his talk of how Ryan had saved him, and brought him back to life.

 

Well, it hadn’t been a total loss, Gavin realized. Now he finally knew what it would take. Ryan’s love was the key. The one thing that he could be destroyed with – if it was taken from him.

 

With renewed purpose, Gavin got up and stalked to the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of Scotch from the cabinet, he opened it and took a swig without bothering to get a glass.

 

Goddamn it, he had to finish this. 

 

 

******

 

 

Colin had no time to lose. Ryan could be in danger - he had to get out of here.

 

His only option was to use force. He should have done it right away, he knew, when he’d had more strength. He’d been too worried about the gun. However, the weapon hadn’t made an appearance since the first day, and Colin was fairly certain that Gavin never had it on him during his visits to the basement. In his weakened state, Colin knew his odds of overpowering Gavin were slim. But now that he’d threatened Ryan, he had to take the chance.

 

His mind had been working overtime since Gavin left him the night before, and he’d decided on a course of action. Ever since his first day of captivity he’d been hoarding part of his meals, for fear that Gavin might decide to punish him further by starving him, or else abandon the house, leaving Colin trapped here. So he had saved some of the food that Gavin brought him each day and stored it out of sight in a dark corner near the laundry sink that served as both his water supply and his toilet. He had accumulated a small pile of cellophane wrapped snack cakes and packets of crackers. So, shortly before the usual time that Gavin arrived to bring him a meal, Colin would devour his stash and hope that the overload of protein and carbohydrates would give him an adrenaline rush – enough to get past Gavin and out of the house.

 

He’d spent the day with an eye on his watch, waiting for Gavin’s usual early evening arrival – praying that he would come today as usual. He’d kept an ear cocked for sounds of Gavin’s car pulling out of the driveway – which could mean he was on his way to find Ryan. While the familiar sounds of Gavin’s footsteps above his head came and went during the day, Colin never heard the car. A good sign, he hoped. Anyway, Gavin hadn’t had time to plan anything, and Ryan wouldn’t fall for a trap like Colin had. And, he had undoubtedly been surrounded by their friends ever since Colin went missing, so it would be difficult for Gavin to get him alone to do anything to hurt him. Still, Colin couldn’t risk it. He had to make a move – now.

 

When the hands of his watch finally crept up near Gavin’s normal visiting hour, Colin reached into the corner next to the laundry sink where he’d hidden his meager stash. Closing his eyes briefly, the stacks of granola bars and snack cakes clutched in his hands, he tried to feel Ryan. It was becoming harder and harder lately, and that scared Colin. Stay with me, Ryan, he pleaded silently, praying that his thoughts would reach him. Help me get back to you.

 

Opening his eyes again, he began ripping open the plastic wrapped food items. He had no appetite, and his stomach protested as he devoured one sickly sweet item after the other. He tried to go at a slow and steady pace – his plan wouldn’t work if it all came right back up. 

 

Somehow he got it all down, and despite being uncomfortably full, Colin did feel less lethargic and more level headed than he had in the past few days. Now if only Gavin would come down before his newfound energy dissipated. He paced the small stretch of floor, cracking his knuckles in nervous anticipation.

 

When he heard footsteps on the cellar stairs, Colin hurried to the side of the laundry sink, crouching down out of view. He peered over the rim as the door opened and watched Gavin step inside, then look around in confusion upon not seeing Colin. Colin seized the opportunity and sprang from his hiding place, leaping at Gavin with all the strength he could muster. Gavin yelped in surprise as Colin’s weight knocked him off balance. Colin hurled himself against him again, hoping to push him down completely. But Gavin recovered and grabbed Colin’s shoulders, shoving him away. “What the fuck!” Colin heard him exclaim. Ignoring it, he lunged once more with fists flying, landing one good punch on Gavin’s cheekbone that sent him reeling to the side. As Gavin staggered, Colin pushed past him and out the door.

 

His foot had just made contact with the bottom step when, with a string of expletives, Gavin tackled him from behind, wrapping powerful arms around Colin’s arms and chest as he dragged him down. The metal edge of a step sliced through Colin’s lip when his face smacked against it, and he tasted blood as Gavin hauled him to his feet. He struggled fiercely to free himself, but was far weaker than Gavin and helpless in his vice-like grip.       

 

“What the hell? Thought you could fuck with me, huh?” Gavin snarled, dragging Colin back into the tiny room. He kicked a foot out behind him, shutting the door with a loud slam. “I thought you understood the rules, Colin. Well, I guess you still need to be taught to do what you’re told.” With violent force, he flung Colin to the floor. Colin crashed against the cement with a bone-jarring thud that knocked the wind out of him. Before he could recover, Gavin’s foot struck his ribcage, right in the spot that had plagued him since his fall down the stairs. Colin cried out, nearly fainting from the pain. The food that he’d downed earlier lurched in his stomach, and he quickly turned his head to the side as it came rushing back up. Before he was even done, Gavin was on top of him, punching furiously at any part of Colin he could reach. All the while, he continued shouting at him, wild eyed, his voice shaking with rage.

 

“You don’t fucking learn, do you? You don’t mess with someone the way you messed with us and get away with it. You thought your perfect life would last forever? You never thought it would catch up with you? Well, I’m here now, and I’m gonna make you pay for what you did! You goddamn bastard, you’re gonna pay! Goddamn bastard… goddamn fucking bastard!”

 

All of Colin’s remaining strength had drained away. He was powerless to fight Gavin off and simply squeezed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth and waiting for the inevitable end. Either Gavin’s strength would give out, or Colin would die. Right then, he didn’t care which it would be.

 

“You goddamn bastard! You fucking left us! You fucking left me! Why? Why?”

 

Even through the pain, Colin registered Gavin’s words and was startled enough to open his eyes. Gavin’s own eyes, he saw, were shut, squeezed tight into a contorted mask as he continued to pummel Colin. Tears slid from beneath his closed lids as he screamed out his grief. “Why did you do it? You fucking bastard, I hate you!”

 

Each furious accusation was punctuated by another painful blow to Colin’s face, head, and chest. Before he could take in what he was listening to, Gavin’s fist slammed into his nose. Colin heard the sound of snapping bone and saw a burst of light before his eyes so blindingly bright that it overwhelmed the pain the punch should have caused before he finally, mercifully, descended into peaceful blackness.

 

 

******

 

 

Jeff was slumped on the couch staring blankly at Conan O’Brien, but he snapped the TV off when Greg came downstairs. “He okay?”

 

Greg nodded wearily. “Sleeping. Finally.” He dropped down heavily beside Jeff, who slid an arm around his shoulders. Greg snuggled gratefully against him, closing his eyes briefly.

 

“You can go home anytime, you know,” he told Jeff. “There’s no reason for both of us to be here around the clock.”

 

Jeff shrugged. “He’s my friend too. Both of them are.” He gave Greg a sideways glance, smiling a little. “Even if you’ve known them longer.”

 

Greg shook his head. “That doesn’t matter. You’ve been great through all this.”

 

“So have you. I can’t imagine the shape Ryan would be in if you hadn’t been taking care of him.”

 

“I can’t imagine the shape I’d be in if you hadn’t been here with me every minute,” Greg countered. They smiled at each other, their eyes locking. Greg leaned in and kissed Jeff softly. Jeff returned the kiss, but as it deepened he held back slightly, glancing in the direction of the staircase. Greg understood.

 

“He’ll be out all night,” he assured Jeff. “I gave him a Xanax.”

 

Jeff raised an eyebrow. “Where’d you get that?”

 

“Drew.” At Jeff’s startled look, he shrugged. “You know Drew. He has connections everywhere.” He pulled Jeff back in, and they picked up where they’d left off. However, just as Jeff’s hands traveled from Greg’s face down his chest to the vicinity of his fly, Greg stiffened slightly. Jeff opened his eyes.

 

“What?”

 

Greg shook his head briefly. “Nothing.” He started to reach for Jeff again, but paused. Jeff too, he noticed, seemed hesitant now. Their eyes met and a look of understanding passed between them. Greg sighed. “I’m sorry…” He trailed off.

 

Jeff nodded. “It’s okay. I know. It just doesn’t seem right. Not now.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They fell silent, both of them staring straight ahead. After a moment, Jeff cleared his throat. “You know,” he said, “I was thinking about what you said the other day, about the Kennedy assassination.”

 

Greg glanced at him. “Oh?”

 

Jeff turned to face him. “Your Federal Reserve theory is so wrong.”

 

Greg gave a derisive snort. “Oh, come on! It was the most blatant right-wing conspiracy this country has ever seen.”

 

“Well, of course it was a right-wing conspiracy, but the idea of - ”

 

“Oh, what do you know? You weren’t even born yet.”

 

“Yeah, and you were what, four? Listen - ”

 

“You’re not going to give me that J. Edgar Hoover bullshit again, are you? Because - ”

 

“That’s not listening – that’s talking. Now shut up and let me explain why - ”

 

Sometime during the course of the debate, Greg’s hand found its way to Jeff’s and rested lightly on top of it. In return, Jeff’s warm fingers linked through Greg’s, squeezing them gently. Neither of them paused in their argument, but both were aware of a peaceful undercurrent of well-being that crept over them, leaving them lighter than they’d been for days.

 

 

******

 

It was the first time Ryan had been alone all week. He lay curled on his side in the king-sized bed, Colin’s pillow clutched in his arms. Greg had crept out of the room several minutes ago, thinking he was asleep. But he’d been faking, needing solitude more than he needed the comfort of his friend’s protective vigil.

 

With his tongue, Ryan dislodged the pill from his cheek and spit it into the palm of his hand. He flung it in the direction of the wastebasket, where it bounced off the edge with a barely audible plink and landed on the carpet. Ignoring it, he drew the pillow more tightly to his chest and stared into the darkness.

 

Though he didn’t want to sleep, he was exhausted. The past several days had been fuller than the most hectic weeks of tapings and meetings for the show, although he hadn’t left the house once since the first day. He was afraid to leave the phone, in case Colin called. What if Colin managed to escape from whoever was holding him only long enough to make one desperate phone call, and called the house phone rather than Ryan’s cell, and Ryan wasn’t there to answer it?

 

Because Ryan knew now that that was what happened. Someone had Colin, and was keeping him away from him. It was the only possibility. Colin was alive – he knew that with the certainty with which he and Colin always knew things about one another.

 

The private investigator that Drew had found for him, a skinny, bespectacled little man who looked nothing like the dashing and competent detectives on that show Colin watched Tuesday nights at ten, didn’t agree. “There’s been no ransom demand,” he’d pointed out on his first visit. “Anytime we have a kidnapping, especially when the victim is someone with a fair amount of money, we almost always see a ransom demand within the first twenty-four hours. It’s been longer than that, and you haven’t heard anything. The more likely scenario is one of two things. He either left of his own volition - ”

 

“He didn’t leave,” Ryan interrupted. “Get that straight. He did not leave.” Any doubts that had plagued Ryan about it were gone. Once the initial panic subsided enough that he could think clearly, he’d grasped at the knowledge that no matter what he might have done to upset Colin, Colin would never hurt him so deeply on purpose. 

 

The detective dropped the argument, most likely because he didn’t want to lose the money Ryan was paying him. He cleared his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, and went on. “You also have to be prepared for scenario number two, which is… he’s dead.”

 

Ryan had stared him down. “He’s not dead. If he was, I would know it.”

 

Ryan saw Greg, on the other side of the room, exchange a glance with Jeff and speak up for the first time since the investigator had arrived.

 

“He’s right. He would know.” As the investigator glanced at him questioningly, Greg shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know how to explain it to you – but Ryan would know.”

 

Jeff nodded emphatic agreement.

 

The detective looked around at the three of them and saw that he was outnumbered. He suppressed a sigh. “Well, I’ll see what I can find and get back to you tonight.”

 

Besides talking to the detective – who was turning out to be as useless as the LA police department – Ryan had kept busy phoning everyone he could think of who might have seen Colin the day he disappeared - always with an eye on the call waiting signal in case anyone called with news. Or in case Colin did.

 

Drew, in a show of the astonishing influence he had in Hollywood, had within hours of Colin’s being declared an official missing person arranged to have a toll-free hotline set up and appeared on all the networks, pleading for information and offering an astronomical sum of money from his own pocket as a reward – an amount that Dan Patterson had stunned Ryan by adding to significantly. Drew kept in close contact and was unerringly cheerful each time they talked, assuring Ryan that “good leads” were coming in. However, Ryan had overheard a conversation between Greg and Jeff in which he learned Drew had told Greg a different story - that the hotline phones were “ringing off the goddamn hook” with false leads from “money grubbing sons of bitches” simply hoping to collect the reward. Still, he checked in with Drew nearly hourly, grasping at the hope his friend worked so hard to offer.

 

The rest of his time was spent being hovered over by Greg and Jeff, who hadn’t left him since the first night. He submitted to their solicitous ministrations mainly because he was too weary to resist. Ryan was vaguely thankful for their efforts. They kept him fed, and saw to it that he showered – things he wouldn’t have bothered with otherwise. They handled the flow of visitors, making small talk with Chip, Brad, Wayne – anyone who dropped by to see how things were going, leaving Ryan free to ignore the well meaning but unwanted guests. They tried to distract him with their forced cheerful chatter about TV shows, movies, music – things Ryan could scarcely remember caring about.

 

So, he was grateful to them. But frankly, it was wearing him out. He needed a break. Ordinarily, after a long day of accomplishing nothing to bring Colin back to him, Ryan would collapse into bed and fall into a restless sleep that did little to refresh him. Tonight he lay awake, long after Greg had left him. In a way, it was a relief to be alone, to not have to stay busy enough to keep the ever-present fear of what was happening to Colin – and of maybe never finding out – at a manageable distance.

 

On the down side, being alone meant no escape from his thoughts. Thoughts of Colin, alive for now – Ryan was still sure of that - but later, maybe… Ryan squeezed his eyes shut and tried to expel the thought. Other thoughts quickly came to take its place.

 

He couldn’t stop thinking of the last time he’d seen Colin – couldn’t stop remembering what a bastard he’d been. God, he could kill himself for that. For the millionth time, he heard himself snap at Colin about his lack of sleep. He saw again the look on Colin’s face and the slump of his shoulders as he’d turned away from Ryan and his accusations.

 

And then he’d gone off to that goddamned meeting – left earlier than he needed to, even – instead of apologizing, and making damn sure that Colin knew he meant it.

 

Ryan let out a shuddering breath. He grasped the gold band on his left hand with the fingers of his right. He thought back to a night, years ago, back when they were still clinging to just being friends. It had been a turning point in their relationship. It was the night that Colin decided to trust him completely, and told him the whole story of Nick and what he’d done, to himself and to Colin. And it was also the night that Ryan had made Colin a promise – the one he’d vowed he would always keep.

 

I promise – I swear – that I’ll never let anything hurt you again.

 

He’d meant it wholeheartedly, with a youthful certainty that he could always look out for Colin, always protect him. It was a promise he’d made himself, too. And he’d always felt like he was doing a pretty good job of it. Until now. Now, he had to face the fact that not only had he been unable to protect Colin from whatever harm had been done to him, he’d inflicted pain on him too – and he might never have the chance to make up for it.

 

Ryan didn’t know where he’d gone wrong, but somehow he’d broken his promise.

 

Rolling over onto his stomach, he laid the pillow gently down on the mattress and pressed his face into it. It smelled like Colin. Ryan sobbed silently, but hard – so hard that he could feel the pieces of his heart being swept away in the flood.

 

 

******

 

It hurt to breathe. Each rise and fall of Colin’s chest sent another spasm of excruciating pain screaming through his body. He groaned softly as he crossed the line to full consciousness and each individual source of pain came clearly into focus. His head was pounding, making him nauseous. The ache in his side that had plagued him since his tumble down the stairs the first day had ignited to a burning inferno that spread with the slightest movement.

 

His nose hurt too, throbbing sharply with each inhale and exhale of breath, and his lip stung like fire. Colin could both feel and taste the dried blood. He tried to bring a hand up to his face and realized that his wrists were bound together with rope. His ankles too, he discovered, shifting his bruised legs uncomfortably. He opened his eyes to evaluate the situation and found himself looking into Gavin’s face – calm and composed now as he gazed down at Colin.

 

“Good morning, sunshine,” Gavin said pleasantly. “Sleep well?”

 

Colin’s mouth was too dry and his mind too fuzzy to do more than stare blankly up at Gavin. The younger man didn’t seem to expect a reply, and went on talking.

 

“You’re probably not too comfy like that, huh? Well, I’m sorry. But you showed me you can’t be trusted. That’s another lesson for you – always do what you’re told.” Gavin’s expression changed to one of mock sadness. “But never mind that now. I actually came down here to talk to you about something else. I’m afraid I have some bad news.” He looked at Colin expectantly, but Colin still couldn’t speak. Gavin shook his head slowly. “I don’t really know how to say this, so I’ll just come right out with it. Ryan’s dead.”

 

Colin’s breathing grew rapid. No…no… He struggled to find his voice as Gavin shook his head again. “It’s really a shame that Ryan had to die for your crimes. But that’s what happens when you fuck people over, you know? More and more people keep getting hurt.”

 

“…you’re lying…” It hurt to speak – God, it hurt.

 

Gavin rolled his eyes. “You don’t believe me? Still having some trust issues, huh? You should know better by now, Colin. I’ve always told the truth. Not like you.”

 

Colin shook his head, making himself dizzy. But he couldn’t stop doing it – couldn’t stop denying what Gavin was saying. “No… he’s not… no…” he whispered hoarsely.

 

Gavin raised his hands in a gesture of helplessness. “Okay, Colin. I can see that you won’t take my word for it. Guess I’ll just have to prove it to you. Well, that’s simple enough.” He uncrossed his legs and rose to his feet. “I’ll be back later. Try to get some rest while I’m gone, huh? You look like crap.” Chuckling, he opened the door and went out, closing it behind him with a loud bang that Colin barely registered. He tried to remind himself of all the reasons he’d thought of earlier why it was impossible for Gavin to have killed Ryan. He tried, but the ringing in his ears was too loud. He couldn’t think. A low whimper escaped him then.

 

No.

 

No.

 

No…