Fic-Limits of the Mind

[goblover.livejournal.com]

Title: Limits of the Mind
Pairing(s): Greg/Clive, Greg/Ryan, Greg/Tony, and Greg/Brad
Warnings: I like using curse words. So they're here.
Notes: Gosh I've been so busy working through this huge story (63 pages and not even close to done! Those boys, they love to talk.) that I took a break and wrote this story. Also, Greg/Brad was quite interesting to write.

He never felt comfortable in his own skin. There were days when he just wanted to rip it all off and look at himself. To see who he really was, under all that bullshit. After all those years, he was tired of pretending. He needed a break.

 

There was always a time limit on his relationships. He knew no one could put up with him for that long. There was that marker, when he would finally shut down and the guy or girl or whatever would realize- there was no getting him back. They’d see that his chasm of a heart was eternally broken and unable to be repaired. That’s why he couldn’t love them back, and if he ever did, it couldn’t last. That’s when they would leave.

 

He could never accurately explain what brought him to function as he did. What sort of corruption could have possibly allowed him to operate so irrationally. There was nothing in his childhood that was even that spectacular, except for the teasing. Perhaps he had blocked out the actual reason. Or maybe he was always deficient.

 

Tony was gentle. He was sweet and surprisingly innocent. As fucked up as the man was, he did his best to please Greg. Looking back on it, Tony probably needed someone more stable than Greg to fuck around with. He was constantly struggling with himself and Greg couldn’t really help him. He tried but it wasn’t enough. Neither of them were responsible enough in any matter. Greg never had a problem with Tony’s…extracurricular activities. He was often a part of them.

 

It was a played-out flirty companionship. They could match each other, drink for drug, till all hours of the morning. Then they’d get handsy and end up in some rickety bed in a cheap motel, if they couldn’t remember where they lived. That happened a lot more often than it should have. There was never love, only a vague form of trust. All in all, it was more of a friendship than anything else.

 

Tony’s own spiraling out of control brought about the end. Greg never could shake the image of the two of them screaming at each other until one of them broke. What that was about, he couldn’t remember. But he did remember Tony leaving and never coming back. Maybe he left Tony and never came back, it was one of the two. Greg could’ve brought Tony back from that new low he had created for himself but he wasn’t up for the challenge. He figured, why save what you never had?

 

Ryan was special. He held out the longest. He had tried so hard to understand. Greg idolized Ryan at first. The man had distance and cynicism down to a tee. He even loved Ryan. Then he saw what a mistake that was. Ryan wasn’t one who liked that sort of thing, using words like trust, care, and love. Ryan could be a complete homophobe half of the time. Greg had heard the words “This never happened” come out of Ryan’s mouth so many times, he thought Ryan could at least trademark the phrase. That taught Greg not to show genuine affection for anyone. He wasn’t going to be attached like that. What was the point?

 

Then there was the side of Ryan that canceled the other side out, the quiet affectionate one. The side that existed for only a few hours at a time. There were no words to properly describe that, magnificent didn’t even come close. Neither of them could sleep when they were with each other. Ryan would never admit to how he’d spend those sleepless nights staring at Greg’s supposedly sleeping figure, his eyes roaming each and every inch of him. Greg was happy in letting him have those moments. As much as he could hate being with Ryan, he enjoyed it. Ryan had a way of making their encounters timeless, maybe not meaningful, but timeless.

 

Greg knew he was just the temporary replacement for Colin. The alternative to loneliness in the UK: Gregory Proops. Ryan left him for Colin or went back to him, or however the fuck that worked. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, that hurt like hell. How special was Colin? What did he ever do in his life to be happy? He couldn’t properly express to Ryan how much it killed him to see them together constantly. Colin had nothing, nothing on him. His only way to recover was to viciously attack the two of them with the only weapon he had- his wit. He was relentless and Ryan never said a thing because if he did, that would be admitting something happened. Greg knew by the way Colin would look at him that Ryan had never told him anything. So he just thought Greg was a heartless bastard with nothing better to do. That was fine by him. He would learn to lay off Colin. Ryan wasn’t worth fighting for.

 

Brad, Brad. He didn’t even understand Brad. He wouldn’t have even thought Brad an option. He was around. He was a way to pass the time. He didn’t even consider Brad gay, just bored. Like “Oh hey, what’s this? Your cock in my ass? Well I was going to watch the game but…I guess.” Sometimes he could take off his glasses and he saw Ryan. It wasn’t all that farfetched, Brad idolized Ryan since their days together at Second City. He wanted to be just like him. And he had always wanted to be just as good if not better than Ryan.

 

He could be dirty with Brad. He could be nasty and devious. He could treat him like shit and Brad didn’t care one way or another. They would fuck in complete silence. If anything, it prevented them from yelling out other people’s names. They wouldn’t talk about it afterwards. It felt like just sex with him, no strings attached. There didn’t have to be any excuses.

 

In the last month, he saw a visible change in Brad. He relaxed into it and wasn’t such a stiff fuck all the time. He started to flirt with Greg in public, he’d try and get Greg to kiss him onstage and off, it always seemed like he was minutes away from a big romantic speech. He recognized it immediately. Little Bradley was attached. And then he really saw it- Brad wasn't Ryan, he was. Because as much as Brad loved Greg, Greg didn’t give a shit about him. He liked to joke that he was incapable of love, but fuck it all, sometimes it really felt like it was true.

 

Clive was different. He was different than any other man or woman Greg had ever met. He found that to be incredibly cheesy but true. He never tried to understand, he just did. He actually cared about Clive but he wouldn’t voice it. Clive felt the same about him, he must have. And because neither would admit it, everything was perfect. They always awkwardly shuffled around it.

 

Greg could say the most horrible things during a taping and the two of them would battle it out. It was the most fun he’d ever had. The real winner would be determined later in an activity that would never ever be included on their show. And it was their show.

 

If he ever believed in that soulmate bullshit, Clive would have been it. They were each other’s perfect counterpart and for a while, they were unstoppable. He could honestly say he was happy with Clive.

 

Greg couldn’t even remember how it had ended with him. It must have been the show’s move. They lost touch. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember Clive saying goodbye. 

 

He needed Clive.

 

And that was why Greg drove to the airport one day with nothing but his passport tucked into the folds of his wallet.

 

He pounded on what he believed was Clive’s door for about a minute. He checked his watch. It was 3:45 in the morning, if he did his math right. A very sleepy Clive answered the door. 3:45 it was, then. Clive sighed and looked at him. He rubbed his eyes to make sure Greg wasn’t an apparition.

 

“America kicked you out then?” Even though he was tired as hell, he was still as comedically alert and brilliant as ever.

 

“I’m here and I’m not leaving,” was all Greg could get out of his mouth.

 

“Very well then- in you go,” He couldn’t help but laugh as he let Greg into his house.

 

It was the best decision he made in his life.





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