Streetlamps & Shootouts

[the-unbelonged.livejournal.com]

Title: Streetlamps And Shootouts
Author: The_Unbelonged
Rating: PG
Main Character(s) and/or pairings: Ryan/Colin (not in this chap)
Summary: Well, since this is my first story, I figure I may as well introduce myself, and say hey =], I've kinda been hiding in the woodwork a while now just reading fanfiction, and I decided the other day, what the hey I'll make an account on livejornal and hop on the slash highway, or as they say here in our pip of an island England, slash motorway, so here I am, and I apologise if when I post this its all over the place, but I'm a noob and I've read all the rules and shizz but I couldn't wrap my head round some of it *blushes* and if I actually post it right *Celebrates* ^-^
Anywho, there is my rambling introduction, and my story is about, well its kind of hard too summarise *scratches head* hmmm, I spose I could say it like this *Clears thought*
*Starts Cheesey Movie Trailer Music*
When agent Colin Mockery goes on his search for justice in the dark and dangerous streets of New York, he gets more than he bargained for when he is kidnapped by someone who is more than a little deranged. Luckily its our heroic comics Ryan and Drew to the rescue! So sit back, relax, read, and hopefully enjoy =] and maybe spare the newbie a comment or two *puppy dog eyes*  =D

 

Chapter 1

An eerie glow was cast down on the figure standing below the grimy streetlamp. Colin shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot in a manner of someone not used to wearing their current attire, and considering that he was a male New York cop, dressed up in clothes that were so revealing they would make his sister blush, it was quite understandable, and the fact that his colleagues were laughing hysterically in his ear piece not five meters away didn’t help the situation either.

 

He could hear Brad and Greg laughing like a couple of hyenas in a monkey’s cage and silently cursed his inability to say no. It was only the reminder that this was for the good of justice, to catch a serial killer, that stopped him from marching over to the car grabbing the two laughing twits and stuffing his stiletto heels were the sun doesn’t shine.

 

“For god sake would you two grow up and leave him alone” He heard Josie’s tones of annoyance as though she were talking to her two badly behaved children, however the two men simply ignored her as they continued practically rolling on the floor laughing at each others comments.

 

“At least he isn’t bald anymore” He heard brads voice say through bouts of laughter which made Colin self consciously fiddle with the surprisingly realistic wig on his head.

 

“At least not on his head anyway” Greg barked out the two laughing once again.       Making Colin wince at the memory of the wax strips being peeling off in places that few men (or woman) would dare to tread. He heard Josie sigh, obviously bored with their comments.

 

“Oh shut up you two, your just jealous because Colin looks better in a skirt than either of you” Colin blushed at this, but it seemed to have ended the males cackling and he silently felt a wave of gratitude towards his female companion.

 

The silence however didn’t last long as he heard Brad say sounding affronted “I’ll have you know I have excellent legs” which set the duo off on another round of hysterics. Colin sighed and decided for the good of his sanity to switch off his hidden ear piece, at least until the suspect showed up, if it did at all. He felt at the leather skirt surrounding the top of his legs and clicked a button effectively silencing the constant giggles in his ear. He let out a sigh of relief basking in the distant sounds of cars opposed to his loud co-workers.

 

His happiness however didn’t last long as he remembered his attire, and he pulled irritably at the fishnets occupying his legs, “How the hell do woman wear these things, I feel like I’m being probed, and not in a good way”. He could also feel the bra strap digging into his back, and he silently thanked his lucky stars that he wasn’t a woman, and didn’t have to wear such things on a regular basis. 

He soon however, perked up once he caught sight of a pair of headlights slowly making there way towards him in the darkness, he made sure not to get to worked up however, it could always be the wrong car, but he had a feeling about this, and his feelings were usually right.

 

His insides soon started dancing the tango however once the car came into view, it matched the one surviving victim’s description perfectly, ever down to the scratch under the front window. He gave a discreet nod into the direction he knew his team lay and got himself into position on the pavements edge, cocking out his hip, and giving the driver in the car his best ‘bedroom eyes’, while riding the skirt up slightly, flashing his now smooth thigh for good measure. Colin was going to miss his leg hair.

 

The vehicle pulled up next to the nervous cop, and the occupier wound down the tinted windows, however not giving Colin much light on the situation as the mans face lay nestled in shadow, they only thing identifiable about the man was the fact he had hairy, and rather large arms, which had settled themselves in the position were the tinted glass once was. None the less Colin stepped straight into character.

 

“Looking for a good time honey” He said in his best feminine voice, and even in the shadow he could make out the man’s shark like grin, surprisingly white teeth stretched ear to ear, or where Colin assumed the mans ears were.

 

“Oh yes, very much so, Agent Mochrie” A chilling voice said through his shark like grin, and before Colin could so much bat an eyelid a taser was being fired at him from the darkness knocking him off his feet, before everything went black.

 

-o-

 

The first thing Colin saw once he opened his eye’s was a door, which hadn’t been painted in so long, it looked like a harsh breeze would blow off the cracked white paint covering it. Out of the corner of his eye’s he could make out the side of a chest of draws, but that lay the extent of his wonderful view. He could feel duct-tape digging into the flesh of his wrists and ankles and he briefly thought it was going to hurt like hell once those had to come off, assuming he lived long enough for them to come of at least. He also realised, to his surprising relief that the fish nets were still digging into his thighs, and the rest of his clothing still remained in tact. At least he knew his virtue remained in task, for the moment anyway.

 

“Have a nice sleep agent mochrie?” A sickeningly pleasant voice said behind him, and Colin could tell by the mere tone that that horrible sharky smile lay plastered on his features.

 

“Why yes I did thank you, lovely view you have here” He replied in just as pleasant a tone, if nothing else he wanted to piss the man off.

 

A laugh was recieved, which had the effect of nails on a chalkboard. “You still have your sense of humour in tact I see, that’s good, I like them spunky”. Colin could practically see the mans shitty grin, and for some reason those words pissed him off.

 

“Alright, cut the crap, who the hell are you? And how did you know I was waiting for you?” He knew the shark wasn’t going to answer him, but he had to try at least.

 

The chalkboard laugh was sounded again “ooh we are impatient aren’t we” a hand suddenly found its way onto Colin’s cheek, and he found himself thinking he was going to have to scrub that cheek with a nail file to get the slimy feeling off. “Now that would be telling now wouldn’t it? We can’t have that can we?.. Not now anyway” The hand was removed once a squeeze was given to Colin’s now reddened cheek, the man pinched hard.

 

“At least let me see you” Colin said, going for the ‘sweet approach’.

 

“Hmmm, well I suppose I would like to get a good look at that pretty face of yours” Colin immediately set himself to observe mode, determined to remember every feature of the mans face, down to the colour of his bogies, should he have any. “Alright my sweet, I’ll turn you around”. He felt the chair being picked up with surprising ease, and he felt himself turning around finally getting to see the room they were occupying. It couldn’t have been any more plain if it had tried.

 

The man finally placed him down, with a slight sigh, and Colin got himself ready to memorise the face of his kidnapper, once the man had placed Colin down he backed up a bit, and stareing back at colin was the face of… a shark. Yep, the man was wearing a mask. “How fitting” Colin thought bitterly. He thought quickly however, and since the sweet approach had worked the first time he decided to give it another go. “Oh I wish I could see your handsome face” ‘Pfft handsome my arse’ . The mask had a gap at the bottom were the mans mouth could be seen, and he flashed his alarmingly white teeth yet again.

 

Suddenly the man crouched slightly at an alarming speed, constricting Colin’s throat cutting off his air supply. “No, I don’t think I’ll let you see me just yet sweetness” His stale breath ghosting over Colin’s face, and the grin on his face made Colin glad the mask didn’t have eye holes, at least he didn’t have to look into his manic eye’s as he died. Colin soon began to gargle at the lack of oxygen getting to his lungs, and he felt his eye’s begin to get starry, and as quickly as the hand had come on him, it was gone. “Amazing isn’t it, how a human life can be gone like that” He said clicking his finger on emphasis, before letting out another piecing laugh. He tuned around again crouching down to eye level, and Colin feared he may try to strangle him again, however he was surprised when he felt a firm kiss planted on his lips. He felt like he was going to be sick, but thankfully he pulled away almost instantly, as Colin fixed him with a snarl. He smiled, though not as toothy this time. “So very beautiful” He said, tracing his hairy hand over Colin’s face.

 

“Don’t fucking touch me, unless I can see your face” Colin growled, both to get the mans slimy hands off him, and hopefully get the man to show his face. He grinned the shark like grin again, going back to full height.

 

“Alright, I suppose you won’t live long enough to tell your squad who I am anyway” He said reaching towards his mask. ‘Jeeze could this guy get more supervillany?” Colin thought, without voicing it aloud, merely waiting to see the mans face, and hopefully making his great escape.

 

Just as the shark was about to reveal his secret identity, there was the sound of laughter coming from behind him. In the hallway. He could also hear the rumbling noise of people talking, filtered by the paper thin walls, loud enough to know someone was there talking, yet muffled enough to not be able to make out what was being said. Colin couldn’t tell because of the mans mask, but he was pretty certain his captor was now holing the dear in the headlights look, judging by his frozen posture. Thinking quickly, Colin did the first thing that popped into his head, he screamed, as loud as he could, only to have his mouth covered by shark mans slimy hand, “I’m going to have to punch this creep later” . However his plea must have been heard, because the laughter behind his back stopped, only to be replaced by serious mumbling. The voices outside must have decided that someone indeed was in trouble because not two minutes later there was a knock on the ugly door Colin had once faced.

 

“Is everything alright in there?!” A male voice asked though the thin wood.

 

Colin’s captor put on a smile, hoping it to come out in his voice “Yes everything’s fine, I just switched on the TV too loud” He laughed, and Colin wanted to rip off his ears just so he didn’t have to hear it. However that would have to wait until later, because no matter how good of a cop he was he needed help, and mumbling loudly out of his blocked mouth was getting him no were, he prayed that the men outside could tell something was wrong.

 

“Are you sure, that scream sounded pretty real to me” The second voice laughed a little, but Colin could tell it was a laugh of humouring someone slightly insane, and given the shape of things, he was pretty certain that ‘insane’ was an understatement.

 

The nail on the chalkboard laugh was released again, this time with a hint of annoyance behind it “No need to worry, everything’s perfectly fine, thank you” 

 

“Well if you're sure..”The voice trailed off. Panic set in on Colin, these men were his only hope, god knew what had happened to his team, but he was pretty sure they weren’t about to come riding in on there stallions to his rescue, so Colin did the only thing he could, he bit down. Hard. The shark let out a scream like a cat being strangled and leapt away nursing his now bleeding fingers.

 

“HELP!” Colin screamed, originality practically oozing off him by the bucket.

 

“You little shit! Your going to pay for that” The shark hissed though his teeth, using his un-injured hand to hold Colin’s mouth showing his first real sign of anger. The knocking on the door get harder.

 

“Alright, I don’t know what the hell you’re doing to that woman in there, but if you don’t let us in right now we’re calling the cops!” ‘Oh great, I even sound like a bloody woman now’  Colin thought sourly,  hoping that these men shouting though the door were large, and strong, and had weapons, and hard skulls… and were possibly armour plated polar bears.

 

“Get the fuck away from my door or I’m calling the cops” Sharky hissed. Before a loud Bang was heard and Colin found himself flying forward, dragging the chair along with him causing his captor to fall flat on top of him, winded. ‘Guess they are strong then’. However his captor wasn’t lying on him long, before standing up, and effectively losing his shark mask in the process, though Colin couldn’t make out the mans face being dazed from the shooting across the room. He looked up in time to see brown eye’s wide as saucers, before sprinting to the door.

Colin couldn’t see a thing, other than a light casting a glow worthy of a bad porno film, but he could hear men’s heavy breathing. Apparently knocking a door off its hinges wasn’t something his rescuers did on a regular basis.

 

“Go after him Drew!” He heard a puffed out voice shouting, he can only assume the man did so because there was silence after that, only filled by the man behind him heavy breathing. The breathing calmed down, and they were followed by the sound of footsteps approaching. Colin kept his head down, feeling a shooting pain buzzing around his temple from were he had butted heads with his captor. He soon however felt a presence hovering over him and he looked up, shocked a little when he had to look almost vertical, at the mans sheer height. Once the tall man had seen his response, he got down on his knee’s so that the mans kind face was level with Colin’s. ‘He’s quite handsome, in a gawky kind of way’  Colin thought briefly looking into his saviours green eye’s.

 

“Are you okay?” The mans voice was slightly slurred, and his breath reeked of vodka, but his voice was caring none the less. Colin thought he looked slightly familiar, though he couldn’t place him.

 

“Well I can’t say its been the best day of my life, but I’ll live” Colin said in a slightly gruff voice considering all the screaming, and the fact that he had not long ago been strangled. This earned him a slightly drunken smile.

 

“Good, now lets get you out of these ties” He said smiling, as he crouched down and began working on Colin's stiletto clad foot.

 

“Where’s your friend gone?” He asked, craning his neck slightly to look at the man who was fiddling with the tape, muttering curses, he looked up at the sound of Colin’s voice, a confused look on his face.

 

“What” He looked thoughtful for a second “Ooh Drew, he’s gone after the ass hole who did this too you of course”. He said going back to working on his foot.

 

“WHAT!” he jumped slightly at the outcry, looking at Colin, a look efficiently saying what the hell was that for. “Why didn’t you just call the police!?!”. Colin shouted ignoring the expression.

 

The man looked slightly insulted “The policed, pfft, please, a frog in a tutu would be more reliable solving crime than those idiots” Ryan said, going back to working on his left foot, letting out a triumphant yell when he finally freed one of Colin’s ankles, giving it a friendly pat for good measure. Colin felt his eye twitch at the insult , but he supposed he did have a point, after all his team had abandoned him, he was pretty sure they had a good explanation, but he needed to blame someone, and those ass holes had laughed at him for hours, so they deserve the blame damn it!  “And by the way, have you thought about having a different line of work, not that there’s anything wrong with what you do, but you seem like a nice enough girl, and your line of work is pretty dangerous…”

 

“I’m not a girl”

 

Ryan had just finished with his left ankle when he retrieved the news, and he looked up slightly in line with Colin’s crotch, which was currently were his head was in line with, and noticed the bulge in the mans miniskirt. Making both men blush crimson.

 

“Oh, erm sorry, sir, but you really should do a different line of work, maybe a drag act, there’s plenty all over New York, plus you got the bouncers backing you up” Colin wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all, but he decided to play along.

 

“Nahh, I think I’ll pass, I have my pimp to back me up” Colin said, keeping on his poker face “I mean, he should be here any minute actually”

 

“You're not really a prostitute are you”

 

“How did you know?”

 

“Oh, lets just say, my friend Drew’s had a few in his time, and” Tall, gawky and handsome was soon cut off however when the man in question, or at least Colin assumed he was the man in question, since he was pretty certain sharky never wore glasses, showed up at the door, his glasses askew and his slightly shaggy hair windswept.  He looked again familiar to Colin.

 

“Drew’s had a few what in his time?” The round man said looking suspiciously at Ryan.

 

“Donuts” Ryan said, not missing a beat.

 

“I’m sorry did you say something I couldn’t hear you over those shoes” Drew said, a smug grin on his face, and when Colin looked down he could see the taller man was wearing what were probably the biggest feet he had seen, and there pattern made them look almost exactly like clown shoe’s."I wonder if it's true what they say about the size of a mans feet?" Colin mentally slapped himself for the thought.

 

“How original Drew” The tall man deadpanned, but there was a smile gracing his lips showing he wasn’t genuinely mad. Wait a minute Drew; Colin knew he looked familiar…

                                                                                                                            

“You’re Drew Carey!” Colin made both men jump at the outburst, and surprised himself a little as well. Drew looked at him, as though just noticing his presence and his round, face lit up.

 

“So you’re the lovely maiden who that asshole kidnapped? Hasn’t that goof let you out of that chair yet..” Yep, he was pissed off his skull. Colin looked over at Ryan but he was looking at Drew with bulging eye’s, obviously shocked his friend was hitting on a man, Colin vaguely mulled over the idea of saying that he thought he was a girl too, not five minutes ago, but he was slightly scared by the fact Drew Carey was looking at me like I was a prime fillet steak, and Drew Carey defiantly looks like the type who liked prime fillet stakes.

 

“Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll let you out” He shot Colin what he assumed to be a seductive smirk, but it came out looking as though he was in severe need of haemoid cream. “I can’t believe I’m getting hit on by Drew Carey” he thought, gaping at the man, he was more than a little disturbed. As he approached Colin ‘seductively’ the bald cop looked in the direction of Ryan again shooting him a look clearly asking for help, but Ryan  was drunk as well, and looking at Drew with amused disbelief.

 

As Drew finally reached his goal, he took no time in straddling the ‘hooker’ which effectively made Colin feel something digging into his hip, which he prayed was a gun, though doubted it. “Let me tell you sweetheart, I’ll pay anything you want, I’m a very rich man” Colin’s eye’s bulged to comical proportions, and just as he was about to tell the celebrity straddling his knee’s to get the fuck off him before he ripped off any vital organs the man would require should he ever want to have children, the door burst open off its hinges for the second time that night, and in marched 3 police officers guns pointed directly at Drew. “Door’s stronger than it looks” Colin thought, vaguely impressed by the strength of the wood (No, its not what your thinking, get your head out the gutter ;). Who immediately leapt off Colin like a man on his first skydiving lesson, and was immediately charged at by an enraged officer Brady.  Who turned around shooting Colin a concerned glance and asking “Are you alright Col?”

 

Colin rolled his eye’s at the abbreviation “I’m fine…”  He was cut off by Officer Brady shoving a gun in Drew’s face with a look of murder in his brown eye’s.

 

“So you’re the nasty little fucker we’ve been looking for eh? Thought you could get away with it because you’re a celebrity? Well you better pray to god Colin is alright, because if you so much as harmed a hair on his head..” Colin vaguely heard an officer snort at the hair reference but paid it no mind, having to save Officer Brady from making his rescuer effectively pee his pants. Brady was normally a pretty nice guy, but there was a reason he was an officer.

 

“Officer Brady, are you really planning on killing the men who rescued me?”

 

He got three voices in unison after that…

 

“Rescued?!?”

 

“Officer?!?”

 

“Brady?!?”

 

 The last one was Ryan, and Colin had to bite back a laugh, wisely thinking Officer Brady wouldn’t appreciate his sense of humour. Especially after the death glance he shot the tall man.

 

Three eye’s were staring intently at him, and he would have pulled self consciously at the leather skirt, had he not still been strapped to the chair. Wishing someone would cut the tape already, it was really starting to dig into his wrist.

 

 “Yes, Mr Carey and Mr…” He trailed off realising he still never knew Ryan’s last name.

 

“Stiles” Was the response of three in unison, Colin looked at the tall man, and smiled realising where he knew him from, Lewis from the Drew Carey show. ”Focus Colin”

 

“Yes, anyway they saved my life. The suspect knew who I really was, don’t ask me how, and I think he did something to my team, because I was taserd as soon as the suspect arrived...” He trailed off at the grave look on Brady's face at the mention of his team.

 

“Yes, we found your team unconscious in there vehicle, about a block away, we suspect the one who kidnapped you fed a sleeping gas of some sort into there car” Brady said grimly. “There alright now of course” He hastily said seeing Colin’s reaction “They never saw who kidnapped you though, so we have no licence plate yet, did you happen to get it by any chance?”

 

“No, it was too dark, and I was focusing on what the suspect looked like, which was a pointless as well, because he was wearing a sharks mask” Colin said, shooting a thankful glance at the woman who lets his wrists free, glaring slightly at the slight bruises the tape had imprinted in there place.

 

“Shit” Brady said darkly, Colin nodded.

 

“Wait!” Three heads snapped towards Drew, “I saw the suspect, and I think Ryan did too” He said looking at Ryan for confirmation, which he got.

 

Officer Brady perked up, letting go of Drew’s arms “Do you think you could give are team a description?” He said, looking at Drew then Ryan, they both nodded.

 

“Alright, lets take these back to the station then” Colin said, smiling slightly at the progress “and get me into a pair of pants” he mumbled which went unheard by all except Ryan, who turned around towards him and winked, making Colin’s face pinken slightly.

 

He somehow had the feeling things were going to get a whole lot more interesting…

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