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[athinfacade.livejournal.com]

Title: A Place Where We Belong. Parts Five and Six of ?
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: PG
Summary: Colin can't figure out what's going on in Ryan's head, but soon he'll catch a glimpse.
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with WL, I don't own or know Ry/Col, this is purely fiction, I make no profits. I own "Ron", but nobody's gonna want to steal him, anyway.
Notes: The "umbrella" title, A Place Where We Belong, is from an Air Supply song of the same name (don't own them, either). Listening to them reminds me of R/C. Don't ask. :)

“Hi, Colin,” came the familiar voice. Colin’s head swiveled to see Ryan standing over his shoulder.
“Hey, Ry,” he replied. Ryan could hear the wariness in Colin’s voice. He sat down in the chair across from Colin. Colin didn’t look at him, instead focusing on his crossword.
“What kind of animal is an aardvark?” Colin asked.
“Huh? I don’t know. What kind of clue is that?”
“I’m not sure. That’s the whole clue. It says ‘aardvark’. I don’t get it,” Colin returned quietly.
“Me neither,” said Ryan, his smile brief and hesitant.
The silence fell heavily over the room.
“You need a ride to the airport or something?” Colin finally asked, his eyes flicking up for the first time to meet Ryan’s. His tone was overly casual.
“Only if you want me to leave.”
Colin shrugged. His eyes returned to the crossword. “Where did you go this morning?”
“I just went for a walk,” Ryan began. “You know. Thinking. About stuff. About you. I’m really sorry about last night, Col. Really I am.”
“It’s fine,” came the reply, but Colin’s voice was cool.
“Colin, please, listen to me. I’m so incredibly sorry. I’m sorry!” Ryan pleaded. The beseeching tone in his voice made Colin lay down his pencil and look up to stare at the younger man’s face. “Colin, you know how hard it is for me to apologize. You know I never think I’m wrong,” Ryan let out a nervous little laugh. “But I was wrong. I was. And I’m sorry about it.”
Colin sighed heavily. He’d been enraged at Ryan only a short time ago, but while nobody could make his blood boil like Ryan, nobody could diffuse his anger more quickly. His brow furrowed sympathetically. “It’s alright. Don’t worry about it.”
Ryan let out a breath of relief, his forehead going down to rest on the cool table. “Thank you,” Colin heard muffled against the wood.
“Sure. I guess I’m nothing if not forgiving,” Colin added dryly.
Ryan’s head came up. “You’re a saint, Col, and I’m not even kidding,” he grinned.
Colin rolled his eyes, trying not to smile in return, but he couldn’t help it. “Yeah, right. But this isn’t an unconditional forgiveness, Stiles.”
“What do I have to do? Polish your shoes? Buff your forehead?”
Colin stifled a laugh. “The path to my good side is not lined with bald jokes, buddy! No, but seriously, listen. What was with you last night? I still don’t get how the whole thing started.”
“Is that the condition? I have to explain my motivations to you?” Ryan asked.
“Yup.” Colin could see Ryan fidgeting, and he knew now that he’d hit a nerve. Unfortunately, that only honed his curiosity. Besides, he thought, I don’t feel sympathy for him; he owes me an explanation.
Ryan looked down, breaking eye contact. “I can’t Colin. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Come on!” Colin cried.
“You don’t understand, Colin. I don’t think I can. I really don’t. Please,” Ryan begged. Colin could tell he was trying to pry into something that Ryan wasn’t ready to reveal. From experience, he knew that digging any deeper would cause Ryan to withdraw even further and, ultimately, shut him out completely. “You know what, Ry? It’s alright. Forget it. Don’t worry about it.”
“Yeah?” Ryan’s stare was hopeful.
“Yeah, sure.” Colin shrugged. At the end of everything, he loved Ryan too much to upset him. “So,” Colin breathed. “’Aardvark’?”
Ryan’s playful grin returned. “Let’s try a different clue, OK?”
*****
Colin continued to see Ron on a fairly regular basis. Colin also continued to bring Ron over to the house, confident in Ryan and sure that no other problems would arise. Ryan was true to his apology, not harassing Colin about his new relationship and, upon invitation, even joining the two men to play cards or watch movies. Poker was a particular favorite between the three.
“OK, OK,” Ryan said one night, weeks after Colin and Ron’s first date. He laid his cards out on the table. “Read ‘em and weep, kids,” he proclaimed with exaggerated bravado.
“Yeah, OK, well…” Colin laid his cards out, confident that this poker game was his. Ron had won the last two, and neither Colin nor Ryan wanted to believe that he could win yet again.
“Well, baby, you did beat Ryan,” Ron grinned; Ryan’s face was in his hands. “But unfortunately for you…” Ron laid his cards down and Colin groaned. Ryan peeked out from between his fingers to groan, as well.
“Again?” Colin cried. “How do you do this every time? You’re cheating, aren’t you?” Colin eyed Ron with playful suspicion and Ron cracked up.
“You wish,” he replied.
“Yeah, so do I,” Ryan added, grinning. “Excuse me.” Ryan excused himself from the table for a minute and disappeared around the corner. When Ron heard the bathroom door close, he turned to Colin.
“Ryan’s really done an about-face, huh, baby?”
Colin nodded, gathering up the cards and shuffling them absentmindedly. “He sure has.”
“I mean, after what you told me about what happened, I just can’t believe how great he’s being. It’s almost like he’s…I don’t know…” Ron’s voice drifted off while he tried to find a word.
“What?” Colin encouraged, but the other man only shook his head.
Finally Ron said, “It’s almost like he’s humble…or something,” he added, shrugging.
Colin pondered over that as Ryan returned to the table and Colin dealt the next hand. Ryan’s attitude about Colin and Ron had changed significantly since their argument. Colin hadn’t really been able to put his finger on exactly how Ryan was acting differently, but he knew Ryan was. Well, he thought, Ryan’s definitely been nicer. But humble? After thinking about it, and listening to Ryan’s idle conversation during the card game, Colin decided that humble wasn’t the right word. Ryan Stiles had never been humble a day in his life. He was a show-stealer, as Colin knew all too well, a show-off, a gregarious goof of a man. No, he wasn’t humble, Colin decided, but he was definitely something. Something had changed. Colin was intrigued, finding himself staring at Ryan, trying to read into this new behavior; looking into Ryan’s green eyes and finding no answers there.
After Ron left for the night, Colin found Ryan sitting on the steps…just sitting there, one step down from the landing, arms dangling across his lap, as idle as Colin had ever seen him. Even Ryan’s long legs were still. Colin stared for a minute and then went to sit next to his friend.
“Hey,” Colin offered, peering over at Ryan, who looked back.
“Hey.”
“So…why are we sitting here?” Colin asked with a half-smile.
“Well, I’m sitting here to think. Why are you sitting here?”
Now Colin grinned, “Because you are.”
Ryan returned the grin and gently nudged Colin’s arm with his elbow.
“Can I ask what you’re thinking about, or will your disclosure result in my death?”
“Well, maybe not your death…but probably significant bodily injury,” Ryan joked.
Colin smiled again, but didn’t repeat the question. He waited for Ryan to go on.
Ryan shrugged, looking down at his lap and fidgeting his hands. “I’m not thinking about anything, really. Well, except my life or whatever.”
“Oh, just that. It’s just your life, no big deal,” Colin quipped.
“Nah,” Ryan continued with a slight laugh. “Not so much anymore, anyway.”
“You’re depressed about Pat? Why don’t you call her?”
Ryan was silent for a long minute. “I’m not, really, depressed about Pat. I wouldn’t even say I was depressed.” He shrugged. “I’m…I’m thinking about what I need to do to change things. But I haven’t decided yet.” He looked over at Colin, whose face was both concerned and confused. Ryan smiled. “I guess I’m not good at describing what I’m thinking about.”
“No,” Colin shook his head. “No, you’re really not.”
The conversation ended with them laughing, but with both just as puzzled, each lost in his own thoughts.

TBC

The Saturday after Ryan and Colin’s unresolved conversation, there was an unexpected knock at the door. Colin was out with Ron, and Ryan was sleeping on the couch. Ryan didn’t hear the knocking until it grew louder and more insistent.
Ryan grumbled, his eyes finally, slowly, opening. With a yawn and a stretch he peeled himself off of the couch and staggered to the door, putting an eye to the peephole before answering the intrusive pounding.
“Oh my god,” he whispered to himself, turning away from the door as though he was going to run, taking a step forward, and then turning back towards the door, knowing he had to answer it. He pulled the door open, seeing the fist still poised to knock again. When the door opened, the fist dropped.
“You’re still here,” came the greeting.
“Pat,” Ryan began. To his horror, he heard his own voice crack. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, Ryan. You always think you can just leave your problems behind. But you can’t run away from me. That’s not fair, baby. But…can I…” Ryan’s estranged wife gestured into the house and Ryan opened the door all the way, stepping aside to allow the petite brunette to pass him. He remembered the first time he met her. In a lot of ways, so little had changed since then. But then again, so much had that it was overwhelming.
They sat at the kitchen table after Ryan had poured iced tea for them both. Ryan’s legs fidgeted under the table. He shook his head a little, as if to clear his thoughts…specifically to clear the thought he was having at that moment: I hope I can get through this conversation without crying. Ryan didn’t want to think that; he didn’t want to feel it or have the suggestion of crying in his mind. He cleared his throat.
“I know I made you leave our house. I think you know that I had to do that.” Ryan nodded. He was glad that Pat was starting this off, because he hadn’t gathered a coherent sentence yet. “Maybe I made a mistake kicking you out,” she shrugged. “Because we never got a chance to talk about this. And that’s something we have to do. I…I need to know what you’re gonna do, Ryan,” Pat continued. “Where are you going to live? Are you ever coming home? I need to know what to tell the kids about their dad.”
The mention of his kids, of his McKenzie, Sam, and Claire, brought a lump to Ryan’s throat that he nearly choked on. He swallowed very hard.
“I know you want to run off and pretend I don’t exist or something,” Pat continued. “Maybe you think Sherman Oaks just dropped into the sea along with the rest of California, but it hasn’t, sweetie. You need to figure out what you’re doing with your life. And whether or not…” her voice broke up a little, making Ryan feel like he might die right then and there; making him hope to… “whether or not you plan on being a part of this family anymore.”
On the inside, Ryan felt like he was falling. He cleared his throat again. The thing was, he thought, Pat was being so sweet. God, he thought, I can’t do this. He realized that Pat was right, and so was Colin, he liked to run away.
“Pat,” Ryan began. He had to start over. “Pat…” and when he did his voice broke and tears started falling from his green eyes. She didn’t say anything, but her tears were a stream, silent and steady. “I don’t know what…to do. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry. It would be the last thing I’d ever want…to hurt you. I’m so…I’m really confused and I’m…” he stopped talking.
“You’re what?” Pat prodded quietly.
Ryan shook his head and closed his eyes, more tears falling as they were pushed out. “I’m terrified. That I will make the wrong decision.” His eyes opened. “And by the time I figure it out, it’s gonna be too late to fix it.”
Pat took a deep breath. She was about to speak. She almost jumped out of her chair, as did Ryan, when they heard the front door open.
“Ry?” Colin called. “I’m back!”
Pat met Ryan’s eyes and she said nothing, sipping her iced tea.
Colin’s voice came down the front hallway; they could hear him approaching the kitchen. “Whose car is that in the…” he came around the corner and saw Pat. “Pat! Oh my god!”
Pat stood up, smiling a closed-lipped smile, her face still tearstained, and embraced Colin. “Hi, Colin, sweetie. How are you?”
“Good, good,” his voice was next to her ear. He pulled back to look into her face, glancing furtively down at Ryan, as well. Ryan was watching them. Colin could see the wetness in his eyes. He cleared his throat and stepped back from Pat. “Well. Um, I’ll let you two finish your conversation.”
“That’s OK, Colin,” Pat shook her head. She put a hand on Colin’s arm. “You stay right here,” her head turned to look at Ryan. “Ryan, I’m going to go. I was planning on being in town for about a week. I’ll write down the hotel for you so we can finish this later, OK?”
“OK,” Ryan agreed quietly, nodding. Pat left Ryan with the hotel information and said goodbye, leaving Ryan and Colin standing together in the front hallway, watching her leave.
Ryan loped quietly into the den and sat heavily on the sofa. Colin followed him, standing next to the couch and watching Ryan, who just sat there, staring into space and saying nothing. Ryan’s left leg was fidgeting and he had a look on his face that made Colin think he might cry. Colin sat very close to Ryan on the couch, shoulder to shoulder. He put his arm around the younger man.
“Ryan?” Colin’s voice was a whisper. “What happened?”
Ryan shook his head, his voice came out very hoarse. “Nothing…nothing, really. It’s not over.”
Colin didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to say. But Ryan continued, “I…I have to make a choice.”
“What choice?” Colin asked.
Ryan made a noise that sounded like a sad little laugh. He turned to meet Colin’s doe eyes with his own. “Now I have to tell you…the rest of my story,” Ryan faced forward again, sniffling. “And trust me. It’s a doozy.”
“I don’t understand, Ryan.”
“You know how I said Pat and I were fighting about everything? Well, that was true. And how she accused me of never listening? That’s true, too. And she did kick me out, definitely. That was true. But,” Ryan paused. His fidgety leg stopped and then started again. “I left out a big part of the story. Big. Really, really big.”
Colin waited patiently. “OK.”
“The thing is…” Ryan hesitated, bringing the back of his hand up to swipe across his eyes. “Col, the thing is that…there’s a reason why all of this stuff’s been happening at home. The reason is my fault, Colin. I had an affair.”
Colin gasped audibly. He literally couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Ryan and Pat were the longest-married couple he knew. To him they naturally went together, RyanandPat, PatandRyan. Not that he’d never tried that same thing with ColinandRyan, RyanandColin…but that was another story. These thoughts raced through Colin’s mind.
“An affair? Why? And…with who? I mean…I just never would’ve thought…” Colin stammered.
Ryan shrugged. “Nobody would’ve thought this, Colin, trust me. For a long time, it was inconceivable to me that I would do something like this. But for a long time, I was happy. I’m not happy anymore.” Ryan looked into Colin’s face when he said this, and Colin didn’t think he’d ever seen more sincerity in his friend’s green eyes.
“But why? I mean, why aren’t you happy?” Colin asked quietly. He never expected Ryan to be so frank with his answer.
“Because I’m in love with someone else. And you know what’s funny? I’m not in love with the person I had an affair with. You’d think so, right? Leave it to me. I’m always ass-backwards,” Ryan gave a half-hearted smile.
“So why did you have it?”
Again Ryan shrugged. “If I went to a shrink, they’d probably say I was trying to fill this void of unrequited love that I have. But I think it was more of an any-port-in-a-storm kinda thing.”
“What does Pat know?”
“She knows I had an affair but she doesn’t know the whole love thing,” Ryan replied.
“Well,” Colin began carefully. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but can I ask who is the recipient of this unrequited love?”
Ryan didn’t offer a direct answer, instead responding with a question.
“You know how I said I had to make a choice?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, the choice I have to make is dependant on this person I love.”
Colin nodded. “I’d think so, Ry. I mean, I guess it depends on whether they love you, too.”
Ryan was silent, staring Colin in the face.
“Yeah, and?” Colin asked, exasperatedly.
Ryan blinked at Colin. “Well, do you?”

TBC