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wl_fanfictionDon’t Stand So Close to Me
For: Sungreen70
Rated: PG-13 for language
Pairing: Ry/Col, Chip/ Jeff, with a dash of Paul/Richard. Who knew?!
Summary: Paul and Richard reveal extracurricular activities, Max reveals an old hobby and the guys put on a show
Disclaimer: Found that other someone, her name is Mayan Chocolate Haagen Daaz. Still not owning nuthin’
Chapter 8
Officer Brady headed wearily back to his office, a thick sheaf of papers in his hand. Hearing running feet, he peered around the corner to see Ryan and his cronies bolting down the corridor, laughing so hard they had tears streaming down their faces. Sighing at the thought of another layer of reports about to be added to the batch in his hand, he headed in the direction they had come. Dan Patterson came storming around the corner, knocking the papers out of his hand, scattering them like so many leaves in a fall wind. Brady’s mouth dropped open and his eyebrows rose high at the sight of the reverse black-face on the irate man.
Patterson quickly swallowed the tirade he was about to loose on the poor soul blocking his path when he realized it was his supervisor standing there. Gurgling to a halt he brought a hand up to cover his mouth, wilting slightly as Wayne continued to stare. Hoping to ingratiate himself, he dropped to the floor and gathered the scattered papers, shuffled them back into some semblance of order, hauled himself back to his feet and offered them to Wayne. “I… uh…” he began.
Wayne held up a silencing hand, took the papers, blinked, then turned silently and resumed his way to his office. Thankfully his office was near, and he made it without another incident adding itself to the pile. Opening the door he was surprised to see Officers Richard Vranch and Paul Merton crammed into the tiny chairs, waiting for him. He growled, “This better be good…” and dropped into his seat with a sigh.
The two pale faces glanced at each other, then back to him. Both swallowed and nodded. “It is,” Richard said. Wayne regarded them narrowly, then reached behind and flipped the door closed, clasping his hands on his desk and leaning forward. “Okay, let’s have it,” he said quietly.
For a moment the two remained silent, unable to meet his eyes. Then Paul sighed and closed his eyes. “We’re being blackmailed.”
“What are you being asked to do?” Again the heavy silence as the three stared at each other.
“Close our eyes to some things that are happening,” Richard said in a shaky voice, “to some things that are coming in.” Wayne leaned back in the chair regarding the two before him.
“What do they have on you and who gave it to them?”
Dropping a small folder on Wayne’s desk Paul said, “Pictures, and we’re not sure, but we think it was Patterson.”
Wayne opened the folder and flipped through the three pages inside, his face carefully blank. “Have you told your families?” he asked, closing the folder without comment and passing it back to them.
Paul looked away and swallowed hard as Richard put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Yes,” he said, “just this morning.” Wayne nodded.
“Okay. Okay.” He thought for a moment. “Why are you coming to me? Why now?”
Paul quietly wiped at his eyes and turned back to Wayne. “Because of the last bit that came in. ‘Til now it’s been relatively innocuous, but…” He shook his head.
Wayne nodded again. “Good. Okay, you’re going to tell me every last detail there is, every name or date, and every suspicion you have. Right now.”
“We need to see the Warden now,” Wayne said.
MacLheiny looked up at him from over the tops of her half moon glasses. “She doesn’t have any appointments with you or them this evening,” she droned.
“Then she should be free,” Wayne crossed his arms.
“No. No appointment, no entry.”
Wayne scowled at her. He might have been scowling at the wall for all the good it did. “Paul, can you hold her down while I buzz us in?”
Paul moved forwards and MacLheiny pulled a small Berreta. “Try it sonny-jim, just you try it!”
Everyone stared at her before a sharp bark of laughter made them all turn. Max stood there pulling her suit jacket on, hair loose around her, looking like she’d just woken up from a nap. “Mary, don’t shoot my guards. If Wayne needs to see me, then he needs to see me.”
“But Miss-.” MacLheiny began to protest, putting her gun away.
“Mary.” Max’s jovial tone disappeared immediately and MacLheiny quailed under the fierce stare. “Come in gentlemen.”
Once they were inside, and Max’s hair once more pulled into its bun, she sat down heavily in her chair motioning for the men to take seats. They didn’t. “She always frets too much about me,” she sighed, slipping a small pill bottle into a desk drawer. “Seems to think depression medication turns me into glass… so what can I do for you gentlemen?” she asked, turning hazy eyes to Wayne, Paul, and Richard.
They all glanced at each other. Wayne took the lead. “We know who has been doing what, ma’am.”
All haze disappeared from her eyes as they leveled on each of the men in turn. “Tell me,” she growled, lips curling in anticipation.
Wayne took a big breath and began, detailing the shipments Sessions was bringing in and how they were responsible for the overdoses, the dirt on Merton and Vranch forcing them to turn blind eyes, Patterson’s involvement and his… payment. The only thing they didn’t have was who was supplying the drugs on the outside and what was Stiles’ reason to get into such nasty shit.
“This isn’t like him at all, he looks out for his crew, does what he needs to scrape by, and only brings in stupid shit. I think the only time he brought in drugs was a small bag of pot!”
Max nodded, rising to stand by the window. “Ignore Stiles. For now he doesn’t matter, none of it matters for now.”
“Doesn’t matter? But Warden!” Vranch sputtered.
“I know, it’s hard to sit back on our heels and pretend like nothing’s happening that shouldn’t, but that is what we are going to do. I need your support gentlemen. Do I have it?”
They all nodded grimly.
“Good.” She glanced at Paul and Richard. “I’m very disappointed in you both.” They looked away. “Not because of the relationship you have chosen to have, not just because of the trauma you’ve caused your wives and families, but because you chose to leave yourselves open and hold your tryst here on the job. You do not do that for these very reasons,” she sighed, pointing at the photos Wayne had given her, leaving the two men shaking and clutching each other’s hands. “Now we must present a united front. This little drug ring Sessions has set up must not know we have this much information on it, and we will in turn keep them on a tight leash. Everything you find out, you send to me under the guise of some mundane thing.”
They looked at each other, faces set in grim lines. “What about the Halloween show, ma’am?”
She pursed her lips ruefully, glancing down at Wayne, for a second smiling for real before it disappeared. “The show must go on, Mr. Brady.”
----
Backstage in the large auditorium, the men and boys chosen to play the games and those involved in the set-up were busily running about doing last minute checks. A little make up here and there while the stools were set up, ballasts and gaffs were weighted and lights went through checklists, making sure there wouldn’t be any last minute ghosting. Max strode through, making a beeline straight for where Ryan, Greg, Colin and Drew were setting up Drew’s desk. “Well gentlemen, let’s hope that class wasn’t a complete mistake.”
“We won’t disappoint you Ms. W,” Greg grunted.
“You’d better not. There are a few reporters here to do a story on this.”
All production around them ground to a halt, staring at the Warden who was blissfully ignoring the trauma her sentence had produced with a small twitch of her lips. “Did you say there are reporters?” Colin asked, breaking out immediately in a sweat.
“Yes, I did, however you won’t see them. They’ll be away in a safety booth with a few guards and myself.” She straightened her cuffs.
“Thanks Warden, now we’re even more nervous,” Ryan growled as Drew hefted up a panel and held it there for him.
“I have faith in all of you, though when I signed you up for this I didn’t know you’d all rise to the occasion so well. I was expecting Arsenic and Old Lace, not a Laurel and Hardy act meets George Carlin pulled out of your ass.”
They all stared at her. “What did you just say?” Greg asked, feeling a little faint.
She looked at him indignantly. “Surely you don’t think I’ve always been a warden.”
“What were you before?” Drew asked. Everyone stopped what they were doing, leaning in to hear.
She blushed faintly, a small smile painting her lips. “I was a stand up comedienne at the Sluice Gate before Mr. Weiz convinced me to take up a more profitable line of work.”
“Holy shit are you serious?!” everyone blurted at once.
She blushed again, squaring her shoulders. “Yes, now get your asses back to work or I’ll put everyone,” she stabbed a finger at Greg and Colin, “on latrine duty until they die!” she snarled before stalking offstage, terrifying a young kid out of his hammer and box of nails, sending them scattering.
The guys looked at one another before hustling back to work.
“And so, to better provide all of you fine, upstanding citizens entertainment as well as ammunition for teasing,” Max droned. “I now pronounce this year’s Halloween Midterm Show open. Let’s hear it for your very own Ironbars Improv Troupe!” She smiled tightly, the crowd roared in approval and the guards stationed all around jumped and shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. Max had done a marvelous job of warming up the crowd, much to everyone’s utter delight, proving to be hysterical even when she said mundane things like “jam and toast,” all because she kept a straight face. Even Greg and Colin were laughing hard, and had to fight giggles as they strode onstage with the students they’d selected to perform. Drew went over and sat at his desk while Jeff, Chip, Ryan, and Brad all sat on their stools. Greg and Colin strode forward, waving and hushing their audience.
“Hello meatheads!” Greg called, “Let’s hear it for the strangely hilarious monologue of Warden Weiz! What a babe.” The catcalls and applause rose as she smirked at Greg and gave him the finger. Greg chuckled as the wolf whistles doubled. “What a doll, class act all the way. We are here tonight to bring you hilarious antics that you don’t normally get to see with the added bonus, ladies and gentlemen, of getting to see your very own cellmates perform onstage for you!” he said in one breath, freakishly similar to a game show host. “Welcome with me Jeff Davis, Chip Esten, Ryan Stiles, Brad Sherwood, and us teachers Colin Mochrie, master of rubber face and myself, Greg Proops, the Prooper Scooper.” Cheers went up as they all bowed. The boys behind the two teachers looked at one another nervously, and Ryan’s leg began to bounce up and down nervously. “Here on my right, you’ll find the host for this evening, Drew Carey!” Greg pointed and Drew rose, taking the microphone to explain the rules of what they were going to do this evening before he went and sat back down.
“Okay guys, let’s start this shit off with our first ever game, Party Quirks!” Drew shouted, and while the guys read their envelopes, Drew explained the premise to the audience. “Like the cool people already know, Party Quirks is a game where we have a host, who will be Brad,” Brad jumped forward, strutting around stage, completely at home on it in front of hundreds of people. “And he will be having a party and the others will be guest, but they’ve each been given a strange quirk and he’ll have to guess them in a certain amount of time. Unfortunately because of the schools shitty budget, all we have is this lovely little bike bell instead of a doorbell.” Everyone chuckled, making Drew flush pink with pleasure.
Once the guys were lined up, Drew sounded the bike bell. First in was Jeff. A small vid screen high above the stage so Brad couldn’t see it, flashed Jeff’s quirk, ‘a Lounge singer who couldn’t stop singing about everything’. “Hi, it’s swell to be here for you,” Jeff belted out in a wonderful tenor, making everyone’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “Oh my word, you are looking… golly gee fine tonight! Where you from? Eh, who cares? You’re here now!” he swaggered over, leaving Brad behind in his wake looking thoroughly confused. He shared an amused look with the audience before opening the door for Chip.
“Hello Chip, I’d like you to meet my very annoying friend who is a lounge singer.”
“True, but there’s more!” Drew shouted.
“More? Shit,” Brad wrinkled his nose.
Chip’s quirk flashed up onscreen, ‘a Sexy 1930’s pinup girl’, and he giggled, sticking a finger in his mouth and striking a pose as the audience howled. “Oh dear, it seems I’m baring a leg,” he said huskily. He pretended to hold a dress down, mouth open in a silent, seductive O.
“Baby, you look good today,” Jeff crooned, stalking over and grabbing Chip around the waist. Chip blushed and turned to the audience, a finger to his lips, “I’d sure like to romance you tonight after I make a quick buck, or at least just have a fast-”
“Okay!” Brad shouted. “Jeff is a lounge singer who says anything, he can’t shut up!”
“That’s right! Close enough!” Drew crowed. Jeff grinned down at Chip and gave him a deep kiss, making the audience go bug nuts before he whisked away to his stool, sitting and giving Officer Patterson a cheerful wave.
“And you,” Brad pointed down at Chip, who still had a silly grin on his face, “You stay there and walk it off.”
In hopped Greg, ‘a near-sighted axe murderer’. He’d removed his glasses, grinning in a truly menacing fashion up at Brad. “Hello, welcome to my party,” Brad eyed him nervously.
“Well thank you very much Sherwood, great looking shindig you’ve got here…” his grin was more of a show of teeth and he sounded vaguely like Jack Nicholson. “Say, you wouldn’t mind if I chopped wood for a fire, wouldja?” he invaded Brad’s space.
Brad leaned back, “Not at all, Greg, but the wood’s already chopped and it’s the middle of summer.”
“Well, why don’t you just show me where you keep all of your reallly big steak knives, maybe I can help around the alleywa- kitchen!” he barked suddenly.
Brad glanced at him suspiciously, lips pressed tightly together in a smirk, turning to open the door for Colin, “You are a very odd man, you know that?” he grinned. The audience chuckled as Greg turned his attentions to a very nervous looking Chip, who was currently striking poses. “Leave my Marilyn Monroe look alike girlfriend alone, too,” Brad shouted.
Drew nodded, “That’ll work,” Chip ran off, looking a little relieved as he settled down next to Jeff.
“Hello Colin, welcome to my p-”
“ ‘Party erupts into mass murder, orgy after everyone turns into lesbian chickens from outer space!’ ” he said, ‘a Tabloid Editor trying to find stories among the mundane’, pretending to write something down. “This could work! Find me a few people we can pay off to be witnesses!”
“Colin, I don’t think any of us are chickens, but we do have some cheese-on-a-stick over there,” Brad pointed to a “table”.
“ ‘Curds massacre, forced to live out unnatural lives as blocks of cheese to be stabbed with bits of wood and consumed alive!’” Colin roared, seizing Brad’s head, “A brilliant idea! We can really sell that to the cannibalistic lot, they’ll eat it up!”
The audience groaned and roared with laughter at the same time.
Greg grinned up at him, pretending to reach for a knife. “Well, aren’t you a slice of heaven.”
Colin looked down at him in the middle of writing something on his notebook. “I can’t help you buddy,” he said before turning away.
Drew rang the bell for the last time, letting Ryan step in. the crowd went wild even before they saw his quirk. ‘An overly Affectionate cat’. He looked at Brad, licking the back of his hand before coughing and retching onto his carpet. As he stepped in, he rubbed the entire length of his body along Brad’s, pulling outrageous wolf whistles from the audience and making Brad go a little pink. When Ryan rubbed his nose on the nape of Brad’s neck, Brad had to step away or risk getting a prominent hard on. “Ryan I think you’ve met my friends, Greg who is… auditioning for creepy murderers of the world? He’s a serial killer on the loose? He’s my Uncle Bill,” Brad stone faced.
“That’ll work!” Drew giggled and Greg slipped on his glasses after high-fiving Brad.
“’Axe murderer found trying to steal Michael Bolton albums and nailing them to small children’s foreheads!’…nah, they’ll never go for that. Wait!” Colin cried, seizing Brad’s face. “Nuns! We’ll use nuns instead of axe murderers, the kids will love it!” he kissed Brad soundly before bouncing off to the opposite end of the stage.
Ryan watched him go with narrowed eyes. “Mrow!” he mewed. Colin halted, turning to see him. Ryan’s eyes were intent on him as he got down on all fours and crawled over to Colin like he had muscles in places he shouldn’t. The room was buzzing excitedly as Ryan reached Colin’s legs and stropped them furiously, making Colin’s arms cartwheel. With one last rub, Ryan knocked him over to land with a laugh on his ass. Everyone giggled as Ryan purred deep in his chest and rubbed his nose along Colin’s jawline, “Pet me damn you, mrow,” he rumbled. Colin grinned, patting the soft curls stroking his cheek.
Hidden from the audience, Ryan nibbled Colin’s ear. Colin shuddered softly against Ryan, making him growl. “Pet me Colin,” he whispered, too soft for the microphone to pick up.
Colin’s heart sped up. His hand came up to delicately trace the side of Ryan’s face, caressing the line of his cheek with the ball of his thumb. Ryan’s eyes crinkled with a small smile as he turned into the touch, making Colin smile quietly in return.
Brad and Drew glanced at each other, slightly alarmed at how far the two at their feet were willing to take the scene, then realized… they’d left the scene long ago. Brad cleared his throat loudly, feeling a little like a rotten bastard for ruining it. “Colin’s a tabloid reporter and Ryan’s a verrry friendly pussy.”
As one, Colin and Ryan turned, slightly amused and very, very pissed off, respectively. Brad grinned and stomped on the joke, making everyone chortle.
Drew dinged his little bell, grinning from ear to ear as the contestants sat down once more on their stools. “Well… that was interesting…” Ryan and Colin glanced at each other, lips set into firm little smiles.
For: Sungreen70
Rated: PG-13 for language
Pairing: Ry/Col, Chip/ Jeff, with a dash of Paul/Richard. Who knew?!
Summary: Paul and Richard reveal extracurricular activities, Max reveals an old hobby and the guys put on a show
Disclaimer: Found that other someone, her name is Mayan Chocolate Haagen Daaz. Still not owning nuthin’
Chapter 8
Officer Brady headed wearily back to his office, a thick sheaf of papers in his hand. Hearing running feet, he peered around the corner to see Ryan and his cronies bolting down the corridor, laughing so hard they had tears streaming down their faces. Sighing at the thought of another layer of reports about to be added to the batch in his hand, he headed in the direction they had come. Dan Patterson came storming around the corner, knocking the papers out of his hand, scattering them like so many leaves in a fall wind. Brady’s mouth dropped open and his eyebrows rose high at the sight of the reverse black-face on the irate man.
Patterson quickly swallowed the tirade he was about to loose on the poor soul blocking his path when he realized it was his supervisor standing there. Gurgling to a halt he brought a hand up to cover his mouth, wilting slightly as Wayne continued to stare. Hoping to ingratiate himself, he dropped to the floor and gathered the scattered papers, shuffled them back into some semblance of order, hauled himself back to his feet and offered them to Wayne. “I… uh…” he began.
Wayne held up a silencing hand, took the papers, blinked, then turned silently and resumed his way to his office. Thankfully his office was near, and he made it without another incident adding itself to the pile. Opening the door he was surprised to see Officers Richard Vranch and Paul Merton crammed into the tiny chairs, waiting for him. He growled, “This better be good…” and dropped into his seat with a sigh.
The two pale faces glanced at each other, then back to him. Both swallowed and nodded. “It is,” Richard said. Wayne regarded them narrowly, then reached behind and flipped the door closed, clasping his hands on his desk and leaning forward. “Okay, let’s have it,” he said quietly.
For a moment the two remained silent, unable to meet his eyes. Then Paul sighed and closed his eyes. “We’re being blackmailed.”
“What are you being asked to do?” Again the heavy silence as the three stared at each other.
“Close our eyes to some things that are happening,” Richard said in a shaky voice, “to some things that are coming in.” Wayne leaned back in the chair regarding the two before him.
“What do they have on you and who gave it to them?”
Dropping a small folder on Wayne’s desk Paul said, “Pictures, and we’re not sure, but we think it was Patterson.”
Wayne opened the folder and flipped through the three pages inside, his face carefully blank. “Have you told your families?” he asked, closing the folder without comment and passing it back to them.
Paul looked away and swallowed hard as Richard put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Yes,” he said, “just this morning.” Wayne nodded.
“Okay. Okay.” He thought for a moment. “Why are you coming to me? Why now?”
Paul quietly wiped at his eyes and turned back to Wayne. “Because of the last bit that came in. ‘Til now it’s been relatively innocuous, but…” He shook his head.
Wayne nodded again. “Good. Okay, you’re going to tell me every last detail there is, every name or date, and every suspicion you have. Right now.”
“We need to see the Warden now,” Wayne said.
MacLheiny looked up at him from over the tops of her half moon glasses. “She doesn’t have any appointments with you or them this evening,” she droned.
“Then she should be free,” Wayne crossed his arms.
“No. No appointment, no entry.”
Wayne scowled at her. He might have been scowling at the wall for all the good it did. “Paul, can you hold her down while I buzz us in?”
Paul moved forwards and MacLheiny pulled a small Berreta. “Try it sonny-jim, just you try it!”
Everyone stared at her before a sharp bark of laughter made them all turn. Max stood there pulling her suit jacket on, hair loose around her, looking like she’d just woken up from a nap. “Mary, don’t shoot my guards. If Wayne needs to see me, then he needs to see me.”
“But Miss-.” MacLheiny began to protest, putting her gun away.
“Mary.” Max’s jovial tone disappeared immediately and MacLheiny quailed under the fierce stare. “Come in gentlemen.”
Once they were inside, and Max’s hair once more pulled into its bun, she sat down heavily in her chair motioning for the men to take seats. They didn’t. “She always frets too much about me,” she sighed, slipping a small pill bottle into a desk drawer. “Seems to think depression medication turns me into glass… so what can I do for you gentlemen?” she asked, turning hazy eyes to Wayne, Paul, and Richard.
They all glanced at each other. Wayne took the lead. “We know who has been doing what, ma’am.”
All haze disappeared from her eyes as they leveled on each of the men in turn. “Tell me,” she growled, lips curling in anticipation.
Wayne took a big breath and began, detailing the shipments Sessions was bringing in and how they were responsible for the overdoses, the dirt on Merton and Vranch forcing them to turn blind eyes, Patterson’s involvement and his… payment. The only thing they didn’t have was who was supplying the drugs on the outside and what was Stiles’ reason to get into such nasty shit.
“This isn’t like him at all, he looks out for his crew, does what he needs to scrape by, and only brings in stupid shit. I think the only time he brought in drugs was a small bag of pot!”
Max nodded, rising to stand by the window. “Ignore Stiles. For now he doesn’t matter, none of it matters for now.”
“Doesn’t matter? But Warden!” Vranch sputtered.
“I know, it’s hard to sit back on our heels and pretend like nothing’s happening that shouldn’t, but that is what we are going to do. I need your support gentlemen. Do I have it?”
They all nodded grimly.
“Good.” She glanced at Paul and Richard. “I’m very disappointed in you both.” They looked away. “Not because of the relationship you have chosen to have, not just because of the trauma you’ve caused your wives and families, but because you chose to leave yourselves open and hold your tryst here on the job. You do not do that for these very reasons,” she sighed, pointing at the photos Wayne had given her, leaving the two men shaking and clutching each other’s hands. “Now we must present a united front. This little drug ring Sessions has set up must not know we have this much information on it, and we will in turn keep them on a tight leash. Everything you find out, you send to me under the guise of some mundane thing.”
They looked at each other, faces set in grim lines. “What about the Halloween show, ma’am?”
She pursed her lips ruefully, glancing down at Wayne, for a second smiling for real before it disappeared. “The show must go on, Mr. Brady.”
----
Backstage in the large auditorium, the men and boys chosen to play the games and those involved in the set-up were busily running about doing last minute checks. A little make up here and there while the stools were set up, ballasts and gaffs were weighted and lights went through checklists, making sure there wouldn’t be any last minute ghosting. Max strode through, making a beeline straight for where Ryan, Greg, Colin and Drew were setting up Drew’s desk. “Well gentlemen, let’s hope that class wasn’t a complete mistake.”
“We won’t disappoint you Ms. W,” Greg grunted.
“You’d better not. There are a few reporters here to do a story on this.”
All production around them ground to a halt, staring at the Warden who was blissfully ignoring the trauma her sentence had produced with a small twitch of her lips. “Did you say there are reporters?” Colin asked, breaking out immediately in a sweat.
“Yes, I did, however you won’t see them. They’ll be away in a safety booth with a few guards and myself.” She straightened her cuffs.
“Thanks Warden, now we’re even more nervous,” Ryan growled as Drew hefted up a panel and held it there for him.
“I have faith in all of you, though when I signed you up for this I didn’t know you’d all rise to the occasion so well. I was expecting Arsenic and Old Lace, not a Laurel and Hardy act meets George Carlin pulled out of your ass.”
They all stared at her. “What did you just say?” Greg asked, feeling a little faint.
She looked at him indignantly. “Surely you don’t think I’ve always been a warden.”
“What were you before?” Drew asked. Everyone stopped what they were doing, leaning in to hear.
She blushed faintly, a small smile painting her lips. “I was a stand up comedienne at the Sluice Gate before Mr. Weiz convinced me to take up a more profitable line of work.”
“Holy shit are you serious?!” everyone blurted at once.
She blushed again, squaring her shoulders. “Yes, now get your asses back to work or I’ll put everyone,” she stabbed a finger at Greg and Colin, “on latrine duty until they die!” she snarled before stalking offstage, terrifying a young kid out of his hammer and box of nails, sending them scattering.
The guys looked at one another before hustling back to work.
“And so, to better provide all of you fine, upstanding citizens entertainment as well as ammunition for teasing,” Max droned. “I now pronounce this year’s Halloween Midterm Show open. Let’s hear it for your very own Ironbars Improv Troupe!” She smiled tightly, the crowd roared in approval and the guards stationed all around jumped and shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. Max had done a marvelous job of warming up the crowd, much to everyone’s utter delight, proving to be hysterical even when she said mundane things like “jam and toast,” all because she kept a straight face. Even Greg and Colin were laughing hard, and had to fight giggles as they strode onstage with the students they’d selected to perform. Drew went over and sat at his desk while Jeff, Chip, Ryan, and Brad all sat on their stools. Greg and Colin strode forward, waving and hushing their audience.
“Hello meatheads!” Greg called, “Let’s hear it for the strangely hilarious monologue of Warden Weiz! What a babe.” The catcalls and applause rose as she smirked at Greg and gave him the finger. Greg chuckled as the wolf whistles doubled. “What a doll, class act all the way. We are here tonight to bring you hilarious antics that you don’t normally get to see with the added bonus, ladies and gentlemen, of getting to see your very own cellmates perform onstage for you!” he said in one breath, freakishly similar to a game show host. “Welcome with me Jeff Davis, Chip Esten, Ryan Stiles, Brad Sherwood, and us teachers Colin Mochrie, master of rubber face and myself, Greg Proops, the Prooper Scooper.” Cheers went up as they all bowed. The boys behind the two teachers looked at one another nervously, and Ryan’s leg began to bounce up and down nervously. “Here on my right, you’ll find the host for this evening, Drew Carey!” Greg pointed and Drew rose, taking the microphone to explain the rules of what they were going to do this evening before he went and sat back down.
“Okay guys, let’s start this shit off with our first ever game, Party Quirks!” Drew shouted, and while the guys read their envelopes, Drew explained the premise to the audience. “Like the cool people already know, Party Quirks is a game where we have a host, who will be Brad,” Brad jumped forward, strutting around stage, completely at home on it in front of hundreds of people. “And he will be having a party and the others will be guest, but they’ve each been given a strange quirk and he’ll have to guess them in a certain amount of time. Unfortunately because of the schools shitty budget, all we have is this lovely little bike bell instead of a doorbell.” Everyone chuckled, making Drew flush pink with pleasure.
Once the guys were lined up, Drew sounded the bike bell. First in was Jeff. A small vid screen high above the stage so Brad couldn’t see it, flashed Jeff’s quirk, ‘a Lounge singer who couldn’t stop singing about everything’. “Hi, it’s swell to be here for you,” Jeff belted out in a wonderful tenor, making everyone’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “Oh my word, you are looking… golly gee fine tonight! Where you from? Eh, who cares? You’re here now!” he swaggered over, leaving Brad behind in his wake looking thoroughly confused. He shared an amused look with the audience before opening the door for Chip.
“Hello Chip, I’d like you to meet my very annoying friend who is a lounge singer.”
“True, but there’s more!” Drew shouted.
“More? Shit,” Brad wrinkled his nose.
Chip’s quirk flashed up onscreen, ‘a Sexy 1930’s pinup girl’, and he giggled, sticking a finger in his mouth and striking a pose as the audience howled. “Oh dear, it seems I’m baring a leg,” he said huskily. He pretended to hold a dress down, mouth open in a silent, seductive O.
“Baby, you look good today,” Jeff crooned, stalking over and grabbing Chip around the waist. Chip blushed and turned to the audience, a finger to his lips, “I’d sure like to romance you tonight after I make a quick buck, or at least just have a fast-”
“Okay!” Brad shouted. “Jeff is a lounge singer who says anything, he can’t shut up!”
“That’s right! Close enough!” Drew crowed. Jeff grinned down at Chip and gave him a deep kiss, making the audience go bug nuts before he whisked away to his stool, sitting and giving Officer Patterson a cheerful wave.
“And you,” Brad pointed down at Chip, who still had a silly grin on his face, “You stay there and walk it off.”
In hopped Greg, ‘a near-sighted axe murderer’. He’d removed his glasses, grinning in a truly menacing fashion up at Brad. “Hello, welcome to my party,” Brad eyed him nervously.
“Well thank you very much Sherwood, great looking shindig you’ve got here…” his grin was more of a show of teeth and he sounded vaguely like Jack Nicholson. “Say, you wouldn’t mind if I chopped wood for a fire, wouldja?” he invaded Brad’s space.
Brad leaned back, “Not at all, Greg, but the wood’s already chopped and it’s the middle of summer.”
“Well, why don’t you just show me where you keep all of your reallly big steak knives, maybe I can help around the alleywa- kitchen!” he barked suddenly.
Brad glanced at him suspiciously, lips pressed tightly together in a smirk, turning to open the door for Colin, “You are a very odd man, you know that?” he grinned. The audience chuckled as Greg turned his attentions to a very nervous looking Chip, who was currently striking poses. “Leave my Marilyn Monroe look alike girlfriend alone, too,” Brad shouted.
Drew nodded, “That’ll work,” Chip ran off, looking a little relieved as he settled down next to Jeff.
“Hello Colin, welcome to my p-”
“ ‘Party erupts into mass murder, orgy after everyone turns into lesbian chickens from outer space!’ ” he said, ‘a Tabloid Editor trying to find stories among the mundane’, pretending to write something down. “This could work! Find me a few people we can pay off to be witnesses!”
“Colin, I don’t think any of us are chickens, but we do have some cheese-on-a-stick over there,” Brad pointed to a “table”.
“ ‘Curds massacre, forced to live out unnatural lives as blocks of cheese to be stabbed with bits of wood and consumed alive!’” Colin roared, seizing Brad’s head, “A brilliant idea! We can really sell that to the cannibalistic lot, they’ll eat it up!”
The audience groaned and roared with laughter at the same time.
Greg grinned up at him, pretending to reach for a knife. “Well, aren’t you a slice of heaven.”
Colin looked down at him in the middle of writing something on his notebook. “I can’t help you buddy,” he said before turning away.
Drew rang the bell for the last time, letting Ryan step in. the crowd went wild even before they saw his quirk. ‘An overly Affectionate cat’. He looked at Brad, licking the back of his hand before coughing and retching onto his carpet. As he stepped in, he rubbed the entire length of his body along Brad’s, pulling outrageous wolf whistles from the audience and making Brad go a little pink. When Ryan rubbed his nose on the nape of Brad’s neck, Brad had to step away or risk getting a prominent hard on. “Ryan I think you’ve met my friends, Greg who is… auditioning for creepy murderers of the world? He’s a serial killer on the loose? He’s my Uncle Bill,” Brad stone faced.
“That’ll work!” Drew giggled and Greg slipped on his glasses after high-fiving Brad.
“’Axe murderer found trying to steal Michael Bolton albums and nailing them to small children’s foreheads!’…nah, they’ll never go for that. Wait!” Colin cried, seizing Brad’s face. “Nuns! We’ll use nuns instead of axe murderers, the kids will love it!” he kissed Brad soundly before bouncing off to the opposite end of the stage.
Ryan watched him go with narrowed eyes. “Mrow!” he mewed. Colin halted, turning to see him. Ryan’s eyes were intent on him as he got down on all fours and crawled over to Colin like he had muscles in places he shouldn’t. The room was buzzing excitedly as Ryan reached Colin’s legs and stropped them furiously, making Colin’s arms cartwheel. With one last rub, Ryan knocked him over to land with a laugh on his ass. Everyone giggled as Ryan purred deep in his chest and rubbed his nose along Colin’s jawline, “Pet me damn you, mrow,” he rumbled. Colin grinned, patting the soft curls stroking his cheek.
Hidden from the audience, Ryan nibbled Colin’s ear. Colin shuddered softly against Ryan, making him growl. “Pet me Colin,” he whispered, too soft for the microphone to pick up.
Colin’s heart sped up. His hand came up to delicately trace the side of Ryan’s face, caressing the line of his cheek with the ball of his thumb. Ryan’s eyes crinkled with a small smile as he turned into the touch, making Colin smile quietly in return.
Brad and Drew glanced at each other, slightly alarmed at how far the two at their feet were willing to take the scene, then realized… they’d left the scene long ago. Brad cleared his throat loudly, feeling a little like a rotten bastard for ruining it. “Colin’s a tabloid reporter and Ryan’s a verrry friendly pussy.”
As one, Colin and Ryan turned, slightly amused and very, very pissed off, respectively. Brad grinned and stomped on the joke, making everyone chortle.
Drew dinged his little bell, grinning from ear to ear as the contestants sat down once more on their stools. “Well… that was interesting…” Ryan and Colin glanced at each other, lips set into firm little smiles.
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