[Trick or Treat] Falling.

[natyu0815.livejournal.com]

Title: Falling.
Author: natyu0815
Summary: A terrible accident casts shadows over Jeff.
Pairings: Chip/Jeff, Colin/Ryan.
Word Count: 2.020 (teehee funny number! I'm such a baby And yeah, it's a bit long.)
Rating: I'm gonna go with R for character deaths.
A/N: This is my Trick Or Treat story for the amazingclayangel. Writing for her was both an honor and a challenge! As I said to her when I sent it, choosing a pairing was tough. I know how much she loves RyCol, so I put it in, and since I think she pretty much likes any other pairing, like I do, I wrote Cheff into it too, and this is what happened. I hope you guys like it, and I'm so sorry in advance!

Many thanks to my beloved Kat for the incredibly quick beta! n_n

That said, enjoy.






Ryan looks at the window by his friend’s bed and sighs. He doesn’t think he has the strength to do it, to tell Jeff that… No. He has to stay strong. Breaking into sobs won’t do any good now. It won’t help the man laying next to him in a hospital bed.

Ryan hears a whimper and spins around. He finds Jeff fluttering his eyelids open, trying to make out where he is, trying to talk. But he’s been tubed up, connected to a thousand and one machines, he had quite a number of surgeries performed on to finally be where he is now, laying on a hospital bed on his own.

Jeff moves his mouth; uttering any sound would hurt, and Ryan knows, that’s why he doesn’t ask the injured man whether he needs something or how he feels. He also knows just what Jeff is asking: Where’s Chip?

A lump forms in Ryan’s throat, and he has to swallow it down before replying.

“Chip, he…” Ryan begins, and once again, for the ten thousandth time in the last hour, he asks himself whether he has the heart to do it. And for the ten thousandth time, he replies to himself that even if he feels like he doesn’t have the strength, he has to. He wiggles with his wedding ring, twisting it nervously. “I’m so sorry, Jeff.”

Jeff blinks at him and shakes his head. He mutters only one word, over and over: no.


***


He looks at Ryan, trying to tell whether his thoughts are going in the right direction. No. Please, no. Please don’t be dead, Chip. Please.

Ryan looks away and apologizes once again. And Jeff then knows for sure. His eyes fill with tears, and his mind with memories. He remembers the first time he kissed Chip, the first time he confessed his feelings to him, the first time they made love. And then the accident. He remembers the chuckling, the stupid jokes they were making, the silly meaningless giggles of contentment just for being in each other’s company. And then the blinding lights coming towards them out of nowhere, Chip’s expression suddenly transforming into shock as his grip on the stirring wheel tightened and he tried to hit the breaks, the scene seeming to move slower as the truck hit them full force, the feeling of being tossed aside, yet pinned to the seat by the seatbelt, the smell of burning gum, the blood, the whimpers when it was all over, how he reached out to touch Chip once he woke up, but Chip seemed unconscious, or… No. He couldn’t think at the moment that his boyfriend, the love of his life, was dead.

But he was. He is.

Chip is dead. He died. He left Jeff alone. Jeff is alone, because Chip died; the man he loves died.

Tears run freely down Jeff’s cheeks. He is unable to speak, but that’s not what he wants to do anyway. He wants to scream. He wants to call Chip’s name, to hold him one last time. He wants to feel Chip’s arms around him, whispering in his ear that it’s all going to be fine. But it’s not. Because Chip won’t be there. He won’t be there to grow old next to him. He won’t be there to fool around with onstage. He won’t be there when he needs a hug the most. He won’t be there to kiss him goodnight. He just won’t be there.

And Jeff now wishes he had done something. He wishes he had turned the stirring wheel, or that he hadn’t forgotten his jacket at the bar, because maybe, just maybe, if they had left earlier, Chip would be alive right now. The truck wouldn’t have ran over them.

One second. One decision. One event.

One event leads to the other, and life is funny that way. Everything we do or say has a cause and effect. If they had stayed at their place just cuddling, Chip would be alive. If they had picked a different place to go to, Chip would be alive. If they hadn’t made out before starting the car, Chip would be alive.

A million possible scenarios flood Jeff’s mind, and he cries; he doesn’t know for how long. His throat hurts, and his eyes do too, but he can’t stop sobbing, even though the tube they inserted inside his throat before left the cavity sore and it hurts even more. He can feel pain somewhere in the back of his mind, but he can’t really register it. He also remains unaffected by Ryan’s soft touch on his arm.

Chip is dead. He can’t be dead.

Chip was so very… alive. He was the energy bunny of the group, like they called him. He was always happy and hyper, he was always making jokes, smiling, laughing, singing, fooling around. He was always so life-filled that he was the one who unconsciously fed the whole group with energy. He was the one who made everyone happy in every situation. And now life without him seems grey. It seems like they won’t be alive anymore. The group won’t be filled with energy, and laughter, and happiness.

How will Jeff be expected to make a whole audience laugh when he can’t bring himself to even think about ever smiling again?

Why does he have the chance to breathe, feel, cry, when Chip can’t? It seems unfair. They were supposed to grow old together, to start a family, to get married next month.

Oh god, the wedding. They were going to marry one month from today. They were going to formally announce their desire to spend the rest of their lives together. And now, they can’t. Because Jeff has lost Chip.

Chip was his whole soul, his life, his happiness, his ray of sunshine when days seemed gray.

And now, everything just seems pitch black. Because the man he loves is gone. And so should Jeff be. He shouldn’t be alive when Chip is dead. Jeff should’ve died too. That way, they would’ve stayed together for eternity.


***


Ryan finally locks eyes with Jeff and squeezes his shoulder a bit tighter. He can only imagine what Jeff is going through. Maybe that’s as far as he’ll ever get: just imagining what Jeff is going through. His soul mate just died. Ryan couldn’t bring himself to even think about the possibility of Col… Uhm. Pat. Pat dying.

Why is he trying to fool himself again? He knows quite well, as Pat does, that their marriage has been over for some time now. Was it ever okay? All he could ever think of was Colin, and how happy he looked with Deb back in the day. They had decided to get married, so Ryan proposed to Pat too.

One decision that had changed his life forever. Decisions, choices, chances. Odds. Fate. Destiny. Death.

Chip died. And now Jeff… Oh, god. Jeff. The young man had no way to find happiness anytime soon, and Ryan knows that.

Jeff’s eyes are red, puffy, lacking of any more tears. His leg is being held up in a slit, his left arm is almost fully bandaged, a scar above his brow that has been healed and stitched together, bruises everywhere, and Ryan can be damn sure that the thin sheets are covering more bandages, bruises, and stitches.

Colin walks into the room. Ryan doesn’t need to lift his eyes to know that he is there, but he does anyway. Colin moves to be by Jeff’s other side, offering his support and affection to the now broken man.

Ryan’s brow knits together as he contemplates what would it be like to lose Colin. He feels a severe anguish curse through his body.

He did care for Chip; he was his friend, his tour buddy for years. But Colin was the man of his dreams, the man he loved but could never have.

Colin looks into his eyes and frowns in concern. Jeff isn’t listening to either of them. The door opens one more time; this time it’s Greg walking through the door. He gets to Jeff’s side too, and hugs him as best as he can without hurting the young man. When Jeff raises his healthy arm to hug Greg back, more tears invade his eyes, and he begins crying once again. His sobs echo through the room as the young man breaks down again and Greg tries to comfort him as much as he can with shallow words and tender embraces.

Ryan gestures with his head for him and Colin to go out for some time, and his bald friend nods. He follows Ryan to the waiting room in silence, where they seat on some uncomfortable blue chairs.

Neither of them utters a word for what seems to be a century, until Ryan breaks the silence with a broken sigh.

Colin moves closer and rests his head on top of Ryan’s shoulder. The latter places his hand on Colin’s knee, giving it a small squeeze.

“I have no idea what I would do in Jeff’s place,” Ryan confesses at last, and Colin just nods. “If I lost you, I… I couldn’t… I can’t even imagine what it would be like, Col.”

Colin remains silent and still for a moment. Then he lifts his head to look into Ryan’s now moisturized eyes and forces him down for a kiss.

When they part, he states, “Me neither.”


***


A few days go by. Jeff is finally allowed out of his bedroom. He convinces a nurse to get him to the rooftop. Once there, he is helped up by the same nurse, who then grants him some privacy by going away. He walks to the end of the place, leaning on the border.

Jeff looks forward at the low buildings and the small park right besides one of them. He can imagine the kids playing, the friends chatting, the couples kissing. Holding hands. Talking. Loving one another.

Jeff remembers how on their first anniversary Chip took him out to a moonlit dinner. There was a huge blanket of stars above them, the round and perfect moon casting just the light they needed. He remembers Chip’s attire, his smile, his knowing eyes. He remembers his smell, the taste of his mouth, the feeling of his smooth skin and hair.

He remembers all their life together in a second, a parade of pictures running through his mind. He feels the anger and sadness overwhelm him. He asks once again, why Chip? Why not me?

And so he does the only thing he thinks he can do. He sits on the border of the low wall, letting his feet dangle in the air. He looks down, and he can imagine it now: to fall, to end it all. All the sorrow, the tears, the pain. To be with Chip again. To be finally in peace.

Jeff contemplates the idea for a long time, just like he did so very often in these past few days. He knows his friends would understand it; none of them would really be surprised. He thinks about Chip. He can almost see him, smiling at him not a foot away. His smile is inviting, but his eyes show that he is worried.

You don’t want to do this, Chip states.

Jeff shakes his head. I do. I love you. I can’t live without you, Chip.

Chip stretches out and cups Jeff’s cheek. What about the others? Dan, Erin, Dino… Your fans, the Lady Misfits. Your family. Will you just leave them behind?

They knew this was coming, Jeff replies. They knew I’d do it eventually. I’ve seen the way they look at me, and they know it was more a matter of when rather than if. I can’t go on, Chip. I can’t go on without you.

Chip doesn’t reply, but it’s okay. Jeff has already decided what he wants to do. He only stops himself for a second to ask something to Chip.

Will you stay with me as I fall?

Chip smiles tenderly. Forever.

Comments

[ocelotkitty.livejournal.com]

Eeep, what a place to end! This was absolutely heartbreaking -- great job! :-)

[natyu0815.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading, sweetie n_n

[clayangel.livejournal.com]

Like Ocelotkitty said, what a place to end it. Wow. That was really, really powerful. The sadness pervading the whole story is like a huge weight bearing down on you, and it does feel like it's lifting at the end there as Jeff finds his freedom. Wow. I mean, I'm certainly no fan of suicide, and the idea that Jeff would do that is horrible, but you did such a good job of showing the desolation and the misery, like I said, just bearing down on him that you really don't blame him for ending it. I like that Chip tried to tell him to stop, too, but sticks by his side in the end anyway. It does give just the tiny hint of bitter-sweetness to the end of such a dark, dark (but nonetheless beautiful) story. I really, really like it. ^_^ Thank you so much!

And as an aside completely separate from my love of the story, I thought it was strange that both my people gave me Ryan/Colin as a pairing (I'm used to getting Ryan/Greg, Jeff/Chip and Ryan/Greg/Colin), and then I saw you saying you know how much I love them...and really? Do I really come off like I'm a big Ryan/Colin fan? ^_^ Because that's kind of funny considering that about 4-5 years ago I really, really, really hated Ryan/Colin. I went through a period of being really, really against them, and Second Time around was really more my redemption piece, my writing the pairing the way I saw them and learning to love them again, but yeah, there was a period of years where I really despised that pairing. I like them quite a bit now, obviously, and I don't have an OTP, per se, but they're up there with Chip/Jeff and Ryan/Greg and Greg/Josie and Wayne/Jonathan, but the thought that I'm here apparently looking like a big Ryan/Colin fan again is something that I don't think I ever thought would happen. So it's just funny. ^_^

[natyu0815.livejournal.com]

Awww, you're so sweet, Clay! I'm glad I could picture the darkness over poor Jeff and that bittersweet moment, too. I am no fan of suicide myself, but then, I couldn't see any other way out. He was a wreck, and since Jeff is kinda depressive anyway, I could never fathom him finding another way out, I'm afraid. And yes. I don't think Chip would do any other thing given half the chance. He understood Jeff's position, and would help him through it if he had a chance.

You aren't a RyCol fan? :O But you wrote STA, and some other stories... I'm sorry!! >_< I thought you loved them, for some reason. xD

[clayangel.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, I'm not trying to make you feel bad! I DO like Ryan/Colin. Let me explain:

Ryan/Colin were my OTP when I joined the fandom in 2005, but my OTP switched over to Ryan/Greg in 2006, but I still liked R/C, just not as much as I used to. THEN in 2007/2008, there was stuff going on in the fandom with the really crazy R/C fans and with my personal interactions with Colin at that time that then made me dislike the pairing and Colin specifically, and it's just taken me a while to get out of that mindset. So yes, NOW I'm back to liking Ryan/Colin. It's just strange for me to see people thinking I'm a big R/C fan when for so long everyone knew how much I was against them. And like I said, I DO like them, but rather than liking them above all others, I like them on the same level as a whole bunch of other pairings, namely the ones I mentioned in my last comment and also Chip/Drew. I'll always have a weird soft spot for Chip/Drew. ^_^

[natyu0815.livejournal.com]

Personal interactions with Colin? o_O Care to explain, dear?

Oh, okay... I'm glad I didn't screw up with that, then, or a story would've been ruined for a freaking side pairing! xD Would've been the epitome of bad luck. Hahaha Oh, ever since I read The Castro, I love Chip/Drew too! n_n And in the other one I was writing for you, I made sure to add Greg/Josie. (btw, I need to post that one! I was hoping she'd guess me right, but I'm gonna just post it now :) )

[clayangel.livejournal.com]

Well, that was when I was going to a lot of live shows, including a number of Colin and Brad shows, and those shows really turned me off to both Colin and Brad. They were just so vastly different in their interactions with fans than the Whose Live guys. They did a lot of rushing off or hiding so as to not interact with fans, and the interactions I did have left a bad taste in my mouth. Brad was sarcastic and just weird—I saw him refuse to give a girl a hug once, I saw him smoking what was probably one of Colin's cigarettes once, though I don't think he was inhaling the smoke into his lungs, and I think I said something to him like "I didn't know you smoked," and he just stared at me and said, "I don't." And then Colin just didn't seem to want to be there. He didn't really smile a lot. And then there were the shows, themselves. I was absolutely disgusted with their shows. I've seen Whose Live twice in the same night. It's improv, so it's different each time, and sure, maybe one of the guys would repeat a character in Jeopardy or there'd be a joke or two repeated, but generally completely different. Then I saw the Colin and Brad show twice in one night. Almost the exact same show. The suggestions were different, but they always led to the same jokes. In fact, I've just seen them live enough times to know that every game of Sound Effects, no matter the suggestion, ends with something being set on fire and a helicopter arrives for some reason. I haven't seen the show in at least four years, so I do kind of want to give them another shot and see if it's better, but that was the last time I saw them. It's wasn't improv anymore. They weren't trying. They didn't care. And they didn't care about the fans, either. I think it was just a bad time for both of them, but they and the shows got more and more off putting every subsequent time I saw them, so I just really disliked both Colin and Brad for a long time. Brad still hasn't done anything to redeem himself, though I'm not that much against him these days. But I know they didn't used to be that way! The first time I saw them live was with the Whose Live guys all as one big group, and they were great then. Half the other guys didn't even come out to greet the fans, but Colin, Brad and Chip did, and they were happy and they were having a good time with us and on stage, so I don't know what happened. Now, no one else I know has gotten them in such bad moods as many time as I have, so I don't know anyone else who was turned off of them like me, but that was my experience.

Sorry for rambling. ^_^

[natyu0815.livejournal.com]

Oh my. o_o It's okay, sweetie. Ramble all you want. I found this amazingly interesting!

I had no clue about this... Maybe it was just a phase? Here's for hoping! *crosses fingers* Or maybe it was just that we read and write them in the way we believe they truly are, which sets our hopes so up high that we forget they are just characters in the end, and so when we go watch their shows or interact with them, our image of them was so grand that we are a bit disappointed... Just a thought.

As for their interactions with fans, I follow them both on Twitter, and I can say without a doubt that Brad is much more interactive with us than Col. Sure, Col RTs when asked, but when you mention him, he seldom answers. Brad, on the other hand, does reply. And they are both for marriage equality, which makes me love them even more. Brad, oh gosh. He always gets into fights against people against gay marriage. I love him for that! n_n

In any case, I hope it was just that they were in a bad mood or something...

And you lucky bastard gal! You went to so many of their shows!! :D I'm so jealous! n_n I swear, before I die I'm SOOOO going to watch them live!

[clayangel.livejournal.com]

I do think it was a phase. Like I said, they were very nice the first time I saw them live and got their autographs, and after the times that I saw them a lot people said they were very nice. It was just a period of a year or two where I think they were both burnt out or something. I do plan on seeing another of their shows in the future, though. I think they're going to be around my area this spring, so we'll have to see. :) I think the last time I saw them live was in 2007, maybe 2008, so it's time I give their show another chance, and yes, I have seen them on Twitter, and Brad's interactions on there definitely have me liking him far more than I have in a loooong time. ^_^

[natyu0815.livejournal.com]

Hehe you should n_n I'm sure they'll be great. Send them my love if you do! :D

Brad is just perfect, really. His interactions made me respect him so much more than I already did!

[fbrobey.livejournal.com]

He wiggles with his wedding ring, twisting it nervously. “I’m so sorry, Jeff.” :O noooooooo!

"Chip was so very… alive. He was the energy bunny of the group, like they called him." - very true, he's such a bouncy lovable character ^_^

"There was a huge blanket of stars above them, the round and perfect moon casting just the light they needed." What a beautiful scene!

"Will you stay with me as I fall? Chip smiles tenderly. Forever." :(

So sad and really well done!

[natyu0815.livejournal.com]

Thank you, darling! :) <3

[sungreen70.livejournal.com]

Oh man. You have ripped out my heart with this fic. And then the ending is just beautiful, even though it's devastating. They'll be together forever, and that's how it should be. Except I want them to be together forever HERE with us! SOB!

Beautiful writing!

[natyu0815.livejournal.com]

Oh gosh I'm so sorry, Sun! x_x Here, have some hot cocoa. *hands a cup*

Thanks for the kind words, dear n_n I'm glad you liked it. :)