[drabble] How to Save Your Asp

[draconica-nova.livejournal.com]

Title: How to Save Your Asp
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Greg/Ryan implied, but none seen.
Word Count: 655
Summary: Jeff has someone he’d like you to meet...

Author's Notes: My friend set me a challenge to write a drabble based on this picture:





"Close your eyes, Greg. Jeff has a neat surprise for you."

Greg blinked at Chip as they both stood in Jeff's kitchen, beer bottles galore on the counter as the boys relaxed on their day off. "I never trust anyone when they tell me to 'close my eyes'. The last time I made that mistake, Ryan grabbed my crotch."

The recollection of that particular memory made Chip grin. "You were on stage, too! Sure put and end to that old rumor for the fans."

"I hadn't seen that many fans swoon since the fucking Beatles," Greg added.

"Anyway, you just have to close your eyes! Jeff got a new pet a few months ago and wants to show you."

Greg was intrigued at this information, but continued to run the snark path. "He won't be able to show me anything if my eyes are closed, which defeats the point of your argument entirely."

"Chip, are his eyes closed yet?" Jeff called from upstairs.

Greg finally conformed and closed his eyes, but not without rolling them first. "They are now!" Chip yelled back, a yell that was then followed by the sound of Jeff descending the stairs slowly. What kind of "new pet" was waiting to greet him after his vision was restored?

Chip snorted somewhere in front of him as Jeff presumably entered the room, then Jeff murmured something like "Gimme a hand..." before the rustling and shuffling of movement filled the silence.

Greg was just about to question this when something cold and heavy was placed behind his neck and onto his shoulders, draping the cool length down his arms. He didn't even bother waiting for someone to tell him to open his eyes, because he'd already made a damn good guess at what this "new pet" was.

"Holy kittens!" Greg cried at the sight of a pale yellow snake wrapped around his torso, and not a little one either - it looked and felt at least six foot long. "What the fuck?!"

"This lovely lady is Bo," Jeff introduced. "She's an albino python. I got her from an exotic animal rescue center after her previous owner couldn't handle her anymore."

"I'm not fucking surprised!" whined Greg and watched the python's head as it made a turn toward his face. It had beady little eyes that unnerved him, not to mention that creepy little flicking tongue - hell, as if anything about this creature was "little".

Upon noting his expression, Chip raised an eyebrow. "Gee, Greg. Are you scared of snakes?"

Greg flinched when Bo's tongue flicked out near his ear in interest, apparently confused by his cologne. "No..." he replied slowly. "But I have had bad experiences with reptiles before..."

Jeff smiled. "Well, you can relax. Bo doesn't bite. She squeezes."

"Yay." Greg said unenthusiastically, then grimaced when she took a new interest in his face. "Fuck! She reeks!"

"That's not very nice," Chip pouted. At that moment, the tip of the snake’s tail poked through Greg's legs from behind, leaving a very suggestive, yet hilarious sight.

"Wow, she really likes you! You're at pretty much third base already." Jeff continued to grin in utter triumph while Chip was too busy being bent double in hysterics.

"Can you get this thing off me now, please? She's a flick of the tail away from crushing my cookies."

Jeff gladly removed his new pet from the older man and wrapped her affectionately around his own waist, continuing to speak to her in mushy baby talk.

"God, now I stink!" Greg cringed as he took a sniff at his expensive suit and received a new fragrance of au de pong. "I gotta go take a shower, pronto." With that, he grumbled ungratefully and hurried upstairs, removing his jacket.

Not long afterwards, a girlish scream was heard from the front room, followed by a mass amount of cursing.

Chip smiled at Jeff. "Sounds like Ryan just found your tarantula."

Comments

[caelith.livejournal.com]

XD That was awesome!

[draconica-nova.livejournal.com]

Thanks, m'shugga. ^__^

[rycolfan.livejournal.com]

*snorts* Great stuff! Love Greg's expression in that pic. XP

[draconica-nova.livejournal.com]

I'd probably look like that if I were covered in snakes, too. xD

[clayangel.livejournal.com]

That was adorable. ^___^

Do snakes really smell? It's been a while since I've been around one, but I don't remember any overt odor.

[draconica-nova.livejournal.com]

I saw something on TV once: This guy was lying in a perspex box with some albino pythons and as he came out, he kept saying, "It stinks in here!" Guess I got it off of that. xD

[rycolfan.livejournal.com]

Well, their faeces certainly does...it reeks! So they can be smelly if they're not clean. I still love them, though. ^_^

[sungreen70.livejournal.com]

OK, I went from sobbing after reading "Light Your Halo, Angel" to having a heart attack at the thought of a snake wrapped around Greg. I haaaaaaaaaaate snakes and I would be screaming bloody murder if someone even SHOWED me one up close. (The vet's office where I take my cat has a snake in a cage in the waiting room - I can't even sit on the same side as the cage). But anyway, this was hilarious, and despite my own terror of snakes, I was kind of aww'ing at Jeff as he crooned lovingly to his pet. And then the last line - ha! I'd react the same way (though probably not QUITE as violently as I would to the snake. Probably.)