When Never Ends
Jan. 12th, 2011 04:08 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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wl_fanfictionAuthor: paperi_miekka
Title: When Never Ends
Summary: You've always said you'd never stop loving me. [Warning: it's not a feel-good story!]
Pairings: I know who I've got in mind, but I suppose it's open for interpretation as I never actually named any characters. Bonus points for guessing them correctly, then!
I can remember the first time, after a show over in London. We were pissed-drunk with nowhere to go. We stumbled to a park (honestly, who puts a park that close to a pub?) and you insisted that we should play on the swings. There was a childish innocence about us then. I wonder where it went...
It didn't take long for us to get out of breath, and we ended up just relaxing on the swings and enjoying the crisp autumn air swirl around us. It gave you the perfect reason to get closer to me: you weren't wearing a jacket and you complained about the cold. It was a cheesy movie moment, I know, but I wrapped an arm around your shoulders anyway. I'm not sure if I was surprised or not when you kissed me. I should have seen it coming.
We got lucky. It's never easy to hide things from people you see on a daily basis, but it was never a problem for us. In retrospect, maybe this was a show of what was to come. We wouldn't sit too close to eachother, we never shared any secret looks or laughed at any you had to be there jokes, and we certainly never made unnecessary physical contact in public. Maybe we should have been more obvious. Maybe we could have been better.
When you stopped coming over as often, I should have taken the hint and asked what was wrong. The only time I even got an inkling of a problem, you just smiled and said you would never stop loving me. The strange thing is, I believed you. I can't help but think of what an ass I used to be- you were hurting and I barely noticed. I'll do better this time around, I promise. We can try again, if you'll let me. If you can forgive me- if you can forgive yourself.
I should have known something was up when you starting shaking all the time. I should have known it wasn't from the cold like you said. Cold people don't sweat. The anxiety was plain to see, so why didn't I notice? God, I was horrible. I swear, if you let me I'll make it better. I swear...
You grew distant. Sometimes it was like you were staring straight through me, seeing everything and nothing at the same time. For my own sanity, I ignored it all. I ignored the fear in your eyes, the way you flinched at any sudden movements, and how you were losing weight. Most of all, though, I ignored the blackness I could see seeping out of you. I wish I could take it all back now. I wish I had helped you. I could have helped you, but I just let you push us all away. This is all my fault, and I'm so sorry.
They must have known about us. When she found you, I was the first person she called. I don't think I hung up the phone properly, in fact I'm fairly certain I just left it hanging an inch or two off the carpet as I grabbed my car keys and sprinted out the door. I don't know how I managed to get to the hospital in one piece and without getting a speeding ticket. This is all my fault, and I'm so sorry.
The last time I saw you before that, I couldn't help but notice you looked sad. I can't even remember the last time I saw you happy before that- some guy I am. I should have asked about it. I could have helped. I didn't, though, and I don't know why. I just let you leave without a word of protest and pretended to have imagined the distress in your eyes as you left. I should have recognised the silent plea for what it was. I just thought- as you said- that you'd stopped loving me a long time ago. I couldn't get over myself long enough to see that you were in self-destruct mode.
I don't even know what I'm doing here, to be honest. I haven't seen you in a year, and I'm afraid that you won't even want to see me when you wake up- if you wake up, the bitter voice in the back of my head can't help but point out. It also mentions that you didn't intend to wake up in the first place. I quickly banish the thought, unwilling to consider that you would do that to yourself.
I'm silently kicking myself for all the mistakes I've made when it comes to you- ignoring your cries for help, mostly- when a stressed-looking older man in a long white coat comes over to us. There are six of us here, and the others are resting. You've been here for about a day by now. It feels like months.
"He's going to be fine." No words have ever sounded sweeter than those. You were awake and in no lasting danger. It hadn't even occurred to me that you wouldn't want to see me.
As stupid as it sounds, I don't even mind that you turned away from me the instant I walked in the door. I don't even mind that you weren't lying when you said you didn't love me any more. I don't mind that you told me to leave.
All that matters is that you're okay now. If you ever forgive me for ignoring you when you needed me most, I'll be waiting. I'll be good this time, I promise.
Title: When Never Ends
Summary: You've always said you'd never stop loving me. [Warning: it's not a feel-good story!]
Pairings: I know who I've got in mind, but I suppose it's open for interpretation as I never actually named any characters. Bonus points for guessing them correctly, then!
I can remember the first time, after a show over in London. We were pissed-drunk with nowhere to go. We stumbled to a park (honestly, who puts a park that close to a pub?) and you insisted that we should play on the swings. There was a childish innocence about us then. I wonder where it went...
It didn't take long for us to get out of breath, and we ended up just relaxing on the swings and enjoying the crisp autumn air swirl around us. It gave you the perfect reason to get closer to me: you weren't wearing a jacket and you complained about the cold. It was a cheesy movie moment, I know, but I wrapped an arm around your shoulders anyway. I'm not sure if I was surprised or not when you kissed me. I should have seen it coming.
We got lucky. It's never easy to hide things from people you see on a daily basis, but it was never a problem for us. In retrospect, maybe this was a show of what was to come. We wouldn't sit too close to eachother, we never shared any secret looks or laughed at any you had to be there jokes, and we certainly never made unnecessary physical contact in public. Maybe we should have been more obvious. Maybe we could have been better.
When you stopped coming over as often, I should have taken the hint and asked what was wrong. The only time I even got an inkling of a problem, you just smiled and said you would never stop loving me. The strange thing is, I believed you. I can't help but think of what an ass I used to be- you were hurting and I barely noticed. I'll do better this time around, I promise. We can try again, if you'll let me. If you can forgive me- if you can forgive yourself.
I should have known something was up when you starting shaking all the time. I should have known it wasn't from the cold like you said. Cold people don't sweat. The anxiety was plain to see, so why didn't I notice? God, I was horrible. I swear, if you let me I'll make it better. I swear...
You grew distant. Sometimes it was like you were staring straight through me, seeing everything and nothing at the same time. For my own sanity, I ignored it all. I ignored the fear in your eyes, the way you flinched at any sudden movements, and how you were losing weight. Most of all, though, I ignored the blackness I could see seeping out of you. I wish I could take it all back now. I wish I had helped you. I could have helped you, but I just let you push us all away. This is all my fault, and I'm so sorry.
They must have known about us. When she found you, I was the first person she called. I don't think I hung up the phone properly, in fact I'm fairly certain I just left it hanging an inch or two off the carpet as I grabbed my car keys and sprinted out the door. I don't know how I managed to get to the hospital in one piece and without getting a speeding ticket. This is all my fault, and I'm so sorry.
The last time I saw you before that, I couldn't help but notice you looked sad. I can't even remember the last time I saw you happy before that- some guy I am. I should have asked about it. I could have helped. I didn't, though, and I don't know why. I just let you leave without a word of protest and pretended to have imagined the distress in your eyes as you left. I should have recognised the silent plea for what it was. I just thought- as you said- that you'd stopped loving me a long time ago. I couldn't get over myself long enough to see that you were in self-destruct mode.
I don't even know what I'm doing here, to be honest. I haven't seen you in a year, and I'm afraid that you won't even want to see me when you wake up- if you wake up, the bitter voice in the back of my head can't help but point out. It also mentions that you didn't intend to wake up in the first place. I quickly banish the thought, unwilling to consider that you would do that to yourself.
I'm silently kicking myself for all the mistakes I've made when it comes to you- ignoring your cries for help, mostly- when a stressed-looking older man in a long white coat comes over to us. There are six of us here, and the others are resting. You've been here for about a day by now. It feels like months.
"He's going to be fine." No words have ever sounded sweeter than those. You were awake and in no lasting danger. It hadn't even occurred to me that you wouldn't want to see me.
As stupid as it sounds, I don't even mind that you turned away from me the instant I walked in the door. I don't even mind that you weren't lying when you said you didn't love me any more. I don't mind that you told me to leave.
All that matters is that you're okay now. If you ever forgive me for ignoring you when you needed me most, I'll be waiting. I'll be good this time, I promise.
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no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 11:14 pm (UTC)Anyway, what I find most intriguing about this piece is the desperation in the speaker. More than anything, I feel like this reads like a prayer as he goes over it in his mind in the waiting room. It's a powerful piece.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 11:35 pm (UTC)I'm very glad that's how it reads! I'll have to see if I can get my friend to make an audio clip out of this... Thank you so much for your kind words! ^^
no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 12:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 12:30 am (UTC)I tried to make it Greg at first, but it didn't seem to fit. I also think it could be Richard Vranch for the simple reason that I saw a clip of him and Tony making out on stage for some skit. *shrug*
no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 12:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 12:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-24 01:37 am (UTC)Beautifully written!