[FIC] When Darkness Falls 5/?

[makingamochrie.livejournal.com]

Well, all we need in this soap opera, now that we've gotten sex, is, what, illigitimate children?  Mother's brother's uncle's cousin's brother's sister's daddy?  Nah.  How 'bout...flashbacks?  Thank you colacancol for the suggestion!  Fucking L fucking J won't let me post the whole six pages together, so more will be continued beneath the comments.

TITLE:  When Darkness Falls
PART: 5/god knows when
PAIRING:  Colin/Ryan (past), who else?  Spin the wheel, babe, and find out!
RATING:  Eh,R for this chapter.  No sex.
DISCLAIMER:  FICTION.  FICTION.  FICTION.  
SUMMARY:   Flashback!

Despite their late night activities, Colin, Brad, Jeff and Greg somehow managed to make it to the dining car while breakfast was still being served.  The two Kathys were there as well, and smiled greetings at the foursome as they strode through the door looking rather tired.  “Tough night?” Kathy K. asked, smirking as she eyed the four rumpled-looking men.

 

Colin and Brad blushed, Jeff and Greg returned her smirk.  Kathy G. laughed and shook her head.  “Men,” she mock-huffed.  The others laughed.

 

Their meals were delivered in short order, and they settled down to the business of eating, each man ravenous, and for pretty much the same reason.  The Kathys watched them with identical grins on their faces, muttering ‘men’ every once in awhile, just to get a reaction.

 

The conversation was easy and light, the mood upbeat.  Until, that is, the door slid open again, and Ryan shuffled through, looking more ragged and sleep-deprived than the other four put together.  Conversation came to an immediate halt, and Greg swore he felt the temperature in the room drop a few degrees.  He elbowed Brad hard without even looking at him, knowing he wasn’t helping matters any.

 

“Ow,” Brad muttered, rubbing his side.

 

Ryan stood there, frozen, with a familiar ‘deer in the headlights’ look, only this one was no act.  He looked about to leave when Colin stepped smoothly in.  “C’mon in and join the party, Ry.  There’s plenty of food.”

 

“I’m…not really very hungry.”

 

“Just toast, then,” Colin replied, sliding his two still warm slices over onto an empty place.  “It’ll help get rid of your headache.”

 

“How did--?  Never mind.”  Shaking his head, he made for the table and sat down at its head, Greg on one side, Colin on the other.  “Thanks.”

 

“Not a problem,” Colin assured him, reaching for the water pitcher and filling Ryan’s glass.  “There.”

 

“Marry me, Colin!” Kathy K. exclaimed, grinning.  “I need a good wife.”

 

Colin shot her a withering glare as the others laughed.

 

“You can’t do that!” Jeff protested.  “You already married the two of us, remember?”

 

She looked blank for a minute, then laughed.  “That’s right.  Yesterday’s show.  So, how’d the wedding night go?”

 

All expression dropped from Colin’s face.  Jeff dragged a nervous hand through his hair.  Greg and Brad both looked out the window as if what was passing by was the most interesting thing they’d ever seen.  The Kathys looked confused.  Ryan just looked sick. 

 

Choking down the bit of dry toast in his mouth, he rose from his seat.  “Sorry, guys.  I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought. I’ll…see you all later.” 

 

As he stumbled out, hand clenched over his belly, the others stared at one another in shocked silence.

 

“Fuck,” Greg muttered, pounding his fist lightly on the table.  The dishes rattled.

 

Kathy K looked as if she was about to cry.  “What did I--?”

 

“You didn’t do anything,” Jeff replied, grimly.  “I did.  I shouldn’t have said that.  It was stupid and completely insensitive.”

 

“I thought it was pretty funny, myself,” Brad muttered.

 

“Brad,” Colin said, raising a hand, “that’s enough.  Jeff, you didn’t do anything wrong.  If anyone’s to blame, it’s me.”

 

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Greg snapped, throwing his hands into the air, “come down off the fucking cross already, Mochrie.  We need the wood.”  He shook his head in disgust.  “It happened, alright?  Shit happens.  If we’re gonna spend the next five fucking weeks tiptoeing around this goddamned elephant standing in the middle of the room, I’m gonna get off now and spare myself the ulcer.”

 

Colin sighed.  “You’re right.  I’m sorry.”  Placing his hands flat on the table, he pushed himself to his feet.  “I’m going to go talk to him.”

 

“I’m coming with you,” Brad said, jumping to his feet.

 

Colin shot a beseeching look to Greg, who grabbed Brad and yanked him back down.  Startled, Brad collapsed into his seat with a thud.  “What?”

 

“Chill, dude. If he needs you, he’ll call.”

 

“But—.”

 

“Brad,” Colin said, smiling, “I appreciate your support.  I do.  I just…need to do this alone, okay?”

 

“Alright,” Brad finally replied, slumping down into his seat, “but if anything happens….”

 

“You’ll be the first to hear the screams,” Greg retorted.  “Now let’s just finish breakfast, huh?”

 

“I’m not hungry anymore.”  Brad could do ‘petulant’ well when he wanted to. This was one of those times.

 

“Eat it anyway.”

 

*******

 

Ryan was sitting alone in the fifth car—the only one where smoking was allowed—staring out the window, a cigarette dangling loosely between his long fingers.  A tendril of smoke curled up, creating nonsensical patterns in the air before growing fuzzy and flowing along the ceiling of the cabin.  They weren’t passing anything of much interest to him, but that was fine, because he couldn’t have concentrated on it anyway.  His craving for a drink came and went in waves, warring with his jealousy and despair. He wondered if the train was going fast enough that, if he jumped out of it, he would finally have it all end, or if he’d only wind up in some hospital somewhere, a broken mess.  Part of him was tempted to find out.  He could picture himself leaning out, feeling the breeze on his face, taking a last, long look at the world as it sped by in front of him, before just…jumping, floating free for those few interminable seconds.  Would he feel it when he landed?  Probably.  It would hurt, but it would be a hurt he deserved, so that would be alright.  Then he’d finally have some peace.  Or, if not, at least maybe he’d wind up doing improv for Satan’s minions.  Maybe they’d even laugh. 

 

The door slid open and Colin stepped through, stopping halfway as Ryan lifted his head and looked at him.  “Colin, I don’t—”

 

Colin nodded, and began to step back.  “I understand.”

 

But Ryan’s body betrayed him and his empty hand lifted, and hung there in the air like that of a mannequin. Colin changed direction and strode forward, taking Ryan’s hand between both of his own and moving to sit beside him.  “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

 

Ryan snorted.  “That should be my line, shouldn’t it?”

 

“No. It’s mine.  We were being stupid, and Kathy didn’t realize she was opening a hornet’s nest when she said what she did.  And Jeff, well, he looks like someone kicked him in the testicles.”

 

Ryan was silent for a long moment.  “So,” he said finally, “you and Jeff, huh?”

 

Colin smiled slightly.  “No. Not really.  I just…took the ball and ran with it.  It doesn’t happen often, God knows, but….”  He shrugged, blushing faintly.  “I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.”

 

“That you need someone who isn’t a fucked up mess who lashes out at you every chance he gets?”

 

“God damn it, Ryan, stop that!” Colin cried, squeezing the hand between his, hard.  “You’re not like that and you never were.”

 

“I think it’s about time you took those blinders off, Colin.”

 

“They’re off, Ryan.  They have been for a long while now.  To my own faults as well.  You’re not alone in this, you know.”

 

“Don’t even try to tell me you deserved what I did to you that night.  Don’t you dare!”

 

“I’m not.  I won’t.  Nobody deserves that.  But I went along with everything that came before it, didn’t I?  Aided and abetted what led up to it?  I’m no saint in this, Ryan, by any means.  We both bear our share of blame here.  And I’m tired of seeing you trying to shoulder it all.  It’s much too heavy a burden for one man to carry alone.”

 

Ryan shook his head slowly in disbelief.  “Do you even remember what happened that night?”

 

“I do.”

 

“So do I.”  And he did.  As if it had happened an hour ago instead of three years before.

 

Colin was relaxing in the leather recliner they both loved so much, reading the paper.  They’d discussed getting another chair to match it, one for each of them, for the past six months.  The fact that only one still sat there was just another brick in the wall of ennui that had surrounded them for the better part of a year now.

 

Colin was dressed in faded jeans and an old ratty t-shirt, one that Ryan loved because he could see the outline of his lover’s body clearly through the thin fabric.  On any other day, the sight would have made him want to pull Colin away from his reading and up to the bedroom, where he would make his body sing.

 

Today, however, wasn’t any other day.

 

Instead, Ryan stalked over to him, ripped the paper from his hands, and growled, “Where the fuck are my keys?!?”

 

Colin simply looked at him.  On any other day, those dark eyes would have drawn him in, making him forget what his question was, and not giving a damn about the answer.

 

Today, however, wasn’t any other day.

 

Instead, he moved closer until their faces were inches apart, and they were breathing one another’s exhales.  “Where. The. Fuck. Are. My. Keys?!?”

 

Colin continued to look at him.

 

Ryan growled in frustration.  “Goddamnit, Colin!  I’m out of cigarettes!  Just fucking tell me where my fucking keys are so I can go get some!”

 

“I need to go out anyway, pick up some food.  I’ll be happy to grab a carton while I’m there.”

 

On any other day, that would have been just fine with Ryan.  He would have stayed home, drank his scotch, watched some television, and been more than happy with all three, letting Colin do his work for him.

 

Today, however, wasn’t any other day.

 

“I don’t want you getting them,” he growled, pushing Colin’s chest back into the cushion, then fisting his shirt.  “I want you to tell me where my motherfucking keys are so I can get them myself!!  Can you get that through that fucking thick head of yours?  Can you??”

 

“I can hear you just fine, Ryan,” Colin replied softly, calmly.  “And I’ll be more than happy to take you anywhere you want to go.  The store, a bar, anywhere. Just tell me where, and I’ll take you.”

 

On any other day, Ryan would have taken that suggestion and run with it.  Hell, he knew he was too damn drunk to drive.  He knew he was a danger to himself and, more importantly, to others. He didn’t belong anywhere near a car, let alone behind the wheel of one.

 

Today, however, wasn’t any other day.

 

Screaming in rage, Ryan twisted his fist harder and yanked, peeling apart the threadbare fabric from collar to hem, leaving a dark blue swatch in his hand.  “This is what I think of your fucking suggestion!”  He spit in the fabric, then threw it on the ground, and crushed it under his foot.  “I don’t want you to get them for me, I don’t want you to drive me, I want my fucking keys and I want them now!!!  Now tell me where they are!  I’m warning you, I won’t ask again.”

 

“Then don’t!” Colin said, showing his first hint of anger.  “You know I’m not going to answer you, so just stop asking!”  He sighed, defeated.  “I’m tired of these traps you set for me, Ryan.  Trying to avoid them is getting exhausting.”

 

“Yeah, well I’m fucking tired of a lot of things.”

 

“Are you?”

 

On any other day, Ryan would have noticed the quiet resignation that had crept into Colin’s soft voice, would have backpedaled, even drunk, to try and figure out what caused it so he could fix it.

 

Today, however, wasn’t any other day.

 

“Yeah.  So just give me my fucking keys so I can get the fuck out of here!”

 

Colin shook his head slowly.  “I won’t.  If you want out, walk.  Take a taxi.  Call another friend.  Or whoever it is you’re screwing this week.”

 

Instinctively, Ryan’s eyes darted away in guilt.  What he saw when he looked away made him smile.  It was by no definition of the word a pleasant one.  “Fine,” he breathed.  “I don’t need my goddamned keys anyway.”

 

Colin followed his eyes, and cursed himself.  Goddamnit!  How could he have been so stupid?!  Oh, he knew the answer.  He was tired.  Tired to the bone.  And when he was tired, he made mistakes.  And this one, friends and neighbors, was a doozy.  “Ryan!  Don’t!”

 

But Ryan was too fast for him, and snatched up the keys, Colin’s set, that were sitting in plain view on the coffee table in front of the recliner. Colin tried desperately to stand, but the footrest was up, and Ryan’s leg was blocking it.  So he rolled over the arm and slipped, landing on his knees.  He quickly jumped to his feet, but Ryan was already striding away, dangling the keys and laughing in triumph. “Fuck you, Colin!  Fuck you!!”

 

“Ryan!  No!”

 

On any other day, Ryan would have heard the fear in Colin’s voice and frozen right where he was.  Colin normally didn’t scare easily, and when he did, there was a good reason for it.

 

Today, however, wasn’t any other day.

 

Ryan kept walking, until a hand landed on his shoulder, fell off, then landed on it again, fingers biting in.  He spun quickly, snarling like a caged beast.  Colin dropped his grip and tried for Ryan’s wrist. Ryan’s hand flailed, keeping the keys away, and laid open a long, bloody scratch with one of the keys down the middle of Colin’s now bare chest.

 

On any other day, the sight of Colin’s blood would have stopped him dead in his tracks, his head spinning, feeling faint with shock.

 

Today, however, wasn’t any other day.

 

Colin tried again, and this time managed to clamp one hand around Ryan’s wrist.  He quickly added the other and used his superior strength to push the taller man’s arm slowly down.  “Let go of the keys, Ryan.”

 

“Let go of me!”

 

“Like Hell I will.  Drop them.”

 

On any other day, Ryan would have remembered that he loved Colin.

 

Today, however, wasn’t any other day.

 

Still snarling, he curled his free hand into a fist, lifted it, and swung.

 

******

 

“Oh, fuck,” Ryan moaned, the images that followed filling his mind in vivid, Technicolor quality.  “Let me go.  Fuck, let me go, Colin! I’m gonna be sick.”

 

Today, like three years ago, Colin didn’t let go.  At least, not with both hands.  Keeping one hand securely on Ryan’s, he used the other to massage the cramping in the taller man’s belly.  “Shh,” he whispered.  “Ryan, shh.  It’s going to be okay.  It’s going to be alright.  Shh.”

 

Shaking his head, Ryan did the only thing he could.  Spreading his legs, he dropped his chest and head between them, and retched, gagging until he thought his stomach would turn itself inside out and come up through his mouth.  Colin stayed with him through it all, holding his hand, rubbing his back, but not seeming to understand that for Ryan, that only made things worse.  In the state he was in, he was having trouble separating the past from the present, and having Colin here with him, smelling his scent, feeling his warmth, was only adding to his misery.

Continued

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