Fic-Conscious Deliberate Mistakes

[goblover.livejournal.com]

Title: Conscious Deliberate Mistakes

Paring(s): Greg/Jeff, slight Jeff/Chip

Disclaimer: Sorry, they’re not mine.

Warnings: Swear words, and I have to say this piece is pretty dark.

Notes: Originally in my head, Jeff was Chip but I have a problem keeping Chip in my stories for more than 3 seconds. So I fitted it to Jeff instead.

            And the title comes from the song Nobody Needs to Know from The Last Five years.

Also! This is a crazy format that kind of wrote itself. It goes paragraph, then a bit from Greg and Jeff usually at that moment, (Greg in italics and Jeff in 10pt Arial) then a fragment of conversation from a completely different point in time. All of this is bookmarked by a conversation between Greg and Chip. Hopefully it’ll make sense, because I think I just confused myself there.

 

“What did you do to him last night?” Chip tried his hardest to remain calm.

 

“Like I’d tell you,” Greg scoffed and crushed the remains of his cigarette against the wall.

 

“Tell me or I swear to God-”

 

“You’ll what?” He laughed.

 

“I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times- you go near Jeff again and I swear to god I’ll take your head off.”

 

“You threatening me, Esten?”

 

“You’re damn right I am.”

 

“Well far be it from me to point out that your threats are empty, and never seem to go anywhere.”

 

“Say one more thing and I’ll rip your teeth out.”

 
 
 

Jeff was a bright shining light. Not only did Greg dim that light, he plunged the whole world into eternal darkness. And because he was lonely, Jeff welcomed it.

 

Come on, what the hell do you have to lose?

 

Nothing. Unlike you.

 

It’ll be the best decision of your life, I swear.

 

You might want to rethink that later.

 

Why would I?

 

Because later you won’t be brave enough to say a damn word.

 

Brave enough? Have you met me?

 

I have. I know you well. I’m telling you now, walk away.

 

I can’t do that.

 

And why not?

 

You haven’t really told me.

 

“Hi, sorry-I’m Jeff. I don’t know if-”

 

“I heard.”

 

“You heard? Great. Yeah, I had to suffer through the introductions too. It was like being back at school again.”

 

“I always hated that.”

 

“So do you like being called Greg or Gregory or…I don’t know, Francis?”

 

“Greg’s just fine, thanks.”

 

Jeff was that guy, always friendly and sociable. Some might say too sociable. He would flirt with everyone he talked to, whether he meant it or not. But no matter how good he was, he always went home alone. It wasn’t rejection, as such, more of an inability to take him seriously. The life of a comedian, as expected. But he seemed unaffected by it all. He was happy to the fucking go lucky. And it pissed Greg off.

 

You could have any other guy, what do you want with me?

 

You’re different. I’ve told you that.

 

Right.

 

I don’t want any other guys, I don’t like any other guys, I just like you.

 

You don’t like me, you’re intrigued by me. There’s a difference.

 

“Hey Greg? Buy you a drink?”

 

“Fine by me.”

 

“What do you like? Scotch, scotch, or scotch?”

 

“Rum and coke. More rum than coke.”

 

“So, rum?”

 

“You know what? Surprise me.”

 

“Oh believe you me, I can do that.”

 

There was something about the way he interacted with Greg. Not cautious or wary, not like Chip. Chip made it everything in his power to stay far and away from Greg. He had heard the stories, that was for certain. Ryan and Colin made sure to get to him. Heartless, they called Greg. Heartless was right. Ryan and Colin never got to Jeff, though.

 

There’s other sides to you. I know it.

 

Sorry, this is all I got.

 

I gotta say, Greg, I don’t believe that.

 

Oh give it time.

 

“It’s impolite to stare.”

 

“Hah hah, sorry. Habit I guess.”

 

“You’ve a habit of staring at people?”

 

“Just the incredibly handsome people, Greg, just the incredibly handsome.”

 

Jeff liked the challenge of rising past the unresponsiveness of Greg. He always stood too close or looked too deeply in his eyes. There was something about Greg that he couldn’t understand, he said, and it made him just the slightest bit crazy. So Jeff Davis had the hots for him, well wouldn’t that make things interesting? It made Greg wonder just how fast he could yank the bounce out of pretty-boy’s step.

 

Are you afraid of contact?

 

No, not contact. Closeness, maybe.

 

I could fix that, you know.

 

I’m not sure I’d want you to.

 

“So, young person to my left, what are you doing out here this late at night? Everyone else has gone home, you know.”

 

“I’m hunting.”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“It’s a hobby of mine. I’m hunting the Norwegian Blue Butterfly. Only twelve in existence.”

 

“I think you’re lying.”

 

“I think you’re gorgeous.”

 

Jeff would touch him lightly when they talked, stroking him gently but deliberately and letting him know there was better things he could do with those hands. It was a passive enough movement, but the glint in his eyes promised something else completely. It amused Greg to see someone so worked up over him.

 

Have I hurt you? No.

 

You don’t understand, all right?

 

Oh I understand perfectly, Greg, you hate me for my mere existence.

 

It’s not that.

 

No? What then?

 

It’s because you can’t see what everyone else sees in me. I need you to see that.

 

Why can’t it be the other way around?

 

What?

 

Why can’t it be everyone else who needs to see what I see in you?

 

“-And then he said ‘What the fuck, Jeffrey?’ I think that was the first time I really processed a curse word. And I was four years old.”

 

“Nice.”

 

“And how about yourself?”

 

“Well I think I came out of the womb swearing, so I don’t think I had to hear anyone else say anything.”

 

“This is an odd transition, but go with me here. How bad is your vision?”

 

“Bad.”

 

“Could I maybe try on your glasses?”

 

“I don’t see the fascination in such an action, but why not? Everyone else does.”

 

“Oh sweet Jesus, you’re blind!”

 

“Thank you. It’s never elicited that reaction before.”

 

One night at their usual bar, Greg pulled him by the collar into a bathroom stall. He pushed down on Jeff’s shoulders, and Jeff willingly dropped to his knees. Afterwards, Greg left Jeff crumpled in a heap against the toilet. The transient nature of it all was enticing, to say the least.

 

You’re pathetic.

 

Stop.

 

Let it sink in for a second. It’s what you are.

 

Why do you do this to me?

 

You wanted this.

 

I wanted you.

 

This is what I am.

 

 “Huh.”

 

“What?”

 

“No, just huh.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“Greg, um- when are you scheduled next?”

 

“Friday.”

 

“Cool, by the sheer awesomeness of myself I will tell you that I actually have a ticket for Friday so maybe afterwards we could meet up and-”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Really? Awesome.”

 

Greg would laugh after Jeff would kiss him. Not in the giggling nervous way but in the “Did you really just kiss me?” derisive way that he did. Jeff always initiated the kissing. Greg always felt any kiss by him would be too clichéd, too literal. The official kiss of death and if he were to cup Jeff’s head in his hands…Jeff would feel that deadening grip of his. Still, he needed to break him. For some reason that he couldn’t explain not for lack of trying. But he was damn drawn to it.

 

Tell me you need me.

 

Never.

 

Tell me you love me.

 

No.

 

Why not?

 

Because I don’t.

 

“So what are you doing tomorrow?”

 

“The fuck does it matter to you?”

 

“Well if you were free, they’re showing Animal Crackers over at the old theatre and it’s kind of sad if I keep going by-”

 

“No.”

 

“-By myself. It’s funny. Okay.”

 

He would sit there and rip him to shreds, each time waiting for the eventual crumbling of it all. He took everything out of him. He took that happiness, that joy. Sucked it right out of him. And it wasn’t hard to do either. All he had to do was ignore him. He never returned sentiments of affection because he didn’t feel that way. He would fuck him and leave, that was it. Or fuck him and kick him out, if Jeff had ventured to his apartment in his stupid little needy way in the middle of the night.

 

Is it that hard for you to look me in the eyes?

 

Yes. Now be quiet.

 

Could I maybe stay here tonight?

 

No.

 

You always say that.

 

Because I always mean it.

 

 “No, no no, man, I am telling you. Rainy Day Woman would not be half the song it is without Dylan trying not to laugh the entire time.”

 

“Whatever. I’m just surprised you know who Bob Dylan is.”

 

“I’m not that young, Greg.”

 

“Sure you are.”

 

“The point I’m trying to make here, is that there’s something about laughter. It’s special, it’s all-encompassing, and it’s pure. It’s amazing.”

 

“If you say so.”

 

“That I do.”

 

He didn’t give him anything in return, it was how he lived. He was indifferent, really. He liked Jeff, he was a nice enough guy, but there was enough hatred hardened over it so that the liking would never see the light of day. There was never a threat that he could ever fall for him.

 

Stop.

 

Say the magic word and maybe I will…

 

Please.

 

Please what?

 

Just please, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

 

I do.

 

“People say to me, Jeff, that wasn’t funny at all. But then later, they look back on that very same thing and laugh. Maybe because of how stupid it was or maybe they understand the bit they didn’t get before, but they laugh all the same. And right there, it’s worth it.”

 

“So you’re in it for the experience?”

 

“The experience, the rush, the excitement. There’s nothing else like it.”

 

“Hah, try some hard drugs and then get back to me.”

 

“Hah, ‘hard drugs’. Like you know a dealer.”

 

Jeff was a placeholder. There were others Greg would much rather have. Jeff may have outlasted many but still he wasn’t resilient in the least. He was a petty conquest. He’d be broken and gone like the rest, if the kid could just lose his attachment disorder.

 

I could leave you, you know. Right now.

 

I’m waiting.

 

And?

 

And yet you’re still here.

 

How can you be so sure I wouldn’t leave?

 

You need this as much as I do.

 

So you do need me?

 

“I can’t believe you have a drug dealer!”

 

“Yeah, go ahead kid. Announce that one to the world.”

 

“No, shush! Shh shh shh! You gotta be quiet and hide in that dumpster over there.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“Cause I’m so calling the cops on you right now!”

 

Chip screamed in his face how he must get some sick pleasure out of destroying Jeff. In truth, he did. It was like stripping away layers of paint but far more interesting. It was the cold and unforgiving Greg that he was drawn to and he earned nothing less than that. Chip was waiting, after all. Waiting to step in and pick up the pieces because that’s what he did.

 

Go on, scream and yell. Get angry.

 

I don’t do that.

 

Why not?

 

I just don’t. It’s how I live my life. You should try it.

 

I want to see something other than blind puppy love.

 

It’s all I’ve got, Greg.

 

“You are not calling the cops.”

 

“Oh I am most definitely calling the cops.”

 

“I should not have started you on cocaine.”

 

“Mhm! No, that’s probably a bad decision right there. Wait-”

 

“Yeah, genius. Call the cops and tell them I’m the one who scored you drugs.”

 

“Hm. Yeah, no…that doesn’t make much sense.”

 

“Nope.”

 

Greg tore Jeff up inside, like it was a game. He wondered how far he could go, how hard he could push before Jeff pushed back. He never did. The only thing Jeff would do was say that he loved Greg. Like it was some sort of way to make Greg stop.

 

Am I that disgusting that you won’t touch me?

 

I touch you plenty.

 

Yeah, it’s like forcing you to do work at this point.

 

You are a piece of work.

 

And I’m sure you meant that to be insulting.

 

“Stop laughing.”

 

“Haha haaa. I can’t, I’m sorry-It’s just- It’s a nerves thing. Go on, do it.”

 

“Do you want lube?”

 

“Do I need lube?”

 

“Kid, are you serious?”

 

“Haaa, I’m sorry. I’m messing with you. This isn’t my first time at the merry-go-round. Wait-This isn’t-”

 

“You butchered that. I’m getting the lube.”

 

“Isn’t my first-I got it, it’s not my first-oh fuck it.”

 

He barely said his name out loud. He always called him Boy or Kid sometimes even Ryan, just for kicks. He wondered if Jeff figured that out.

 

Did you ever love anyone?

 

Sure.

 

No, not ‘sure’. I want a definite answer here. Have you ever loved someone?

 

Yes.

 

And yet you don’t love me.

 

It’s impossible to love you.

 

No it’s not.

 

Are you crying?

 

No, Greg. I don’t cry. You couldn’t even learn to love me?

 

Afraid not.

 

Not even someone like me?

 

Never.

 

 “Has anyone ever told you…”

 

“Told me what?”

 

“That you had a freckle on your ass? Like on the crack?”

 

“Aw Greg! You weren’t supposed to notice that!”

 

Maybe Jeff didn’t understand the silent and not so silent warnings people had given him about Greg. He wasn’t all that good at reading other people. Still, he should have known. He should have known that Greg would be the impetus of his internal ruin.

 

I kind of hate you for this.

 

Kind of?

 

You treat me like shit.

 

Yes.

 

And I just put up with it.

 

Chalk that up to character flaws.

 

Fuck you.

 

I thought you said you didn’t get angry.

 

Fuck…you.

 

“So are you a cuddler?”

 

“No.”

 

“Just no? Really Greg-o? No? Have you tried it?”

 

“Yes. And don’t call me Greg-o.”

 

“All right then, you’re missing out. I’ll just cuddle with myself here.”

 

He needed that breakdown. It was like staring at traffic and wishing for a car wreck just to make things exciting. Just to take that joy and wonderment of Jeff’s and crush it, and maybe make him as fucked up as everyone else in the world. Like him.

 

This is it, isn’t it?

 

I’m afraid so.

 

Why can’t you just be human for once?

 

Why are you so happy all the fucking time?

 

Why aren’t you?

 

“So are you leaving or do I have to change apartments on you?”

 

“Oh. Sorry. I figured you know we had some time or maybe I could, I don’t know stay the night?”

 

“Out.”

 

“Gotcha. Stupid question. Noted.”

 

It wasn’t overnight. It was over a period of time. The last thing to go was the look in his eyes. Eventually that sparkle ran out and it was like he died inside. Almost, but not yet. Jeff was still clinging to that one last hope. Just one more gentle push. Or maybe, not so gentle. And then he finally broke. That little belt of security he had was gone. For the first time, Jeff had cried in front of him.

 

Don’t.

 

Say it.

 

I can’t.

 

I’m waiting for you to stop me.

 

Please. I love you.

 

You won’t.

 

“No, wait. Before we do this, I have to say something.”

 

“Go for it kid.”

 

“Sorry, I’m so nervous right now. Um…”

 

He threw him against the wall, Jeff’s back cracked on the impact. He would have screamed out in pain, were he not in complete shock. Greg slid his hand down Jeff’s pants. No, it wasn't happening, it couldn't. Jeff didn’t struggle. If anything, he would have been cursing himself for being aroused at that very moment. But he was too busy screaming all those incoherent thoughts in his head to voice anything out loud. Suddenly his pants and boxers were down to his ankles and he was flipped towards the wall. Greg entered him without so much as a grunt. Jeff was quiet, he didn’t even attempt to move. He was shaking, he could feel it, but he couldn’t control it. At one point, he thought he could hear himself screaming for Chip, but his voice sounded so far away. So he pressed his cheek into the wall and closed his eyes, burrowing deeper and deeper inside himself, trying to find some secret and secure place. Somewhere he wouldn’t have to be himself, so it wasn’t really him. And Greg really wasn’t doing…that. He wondered if it was all an elaborate dream, it sure would have made things easier.

 

…

 

Jeff? Jeff?

 

…

 

“…I love you.”

 

“I don’t.”

 

“Oh. Wow.”

 

He slid to the floor and cried. Big heaving uninhibited sobs, with a gasping soft whine of his strained voice behind it. He wasn’t sure anyone could make that much noise crying. He looked at Jeff in that instance. He really had done it. Jeff’s face wasn’t so youthful anymore. A poor attempt to recapture what he used to have. It was tired and broken and unsure. There were creases in his face that held some of the tears running down. That was the one thing Jeff would never do- cry. There was nothing left for him to hold himself together.

 

I can’t believe you.

 

Say it. Say we’re done.

 

I can’t move.

 

Say we’re through and everything will be okay.

 

I can’t move, Greg.

 

All right, you’ve made it dramatic enough. Come on, get up.

 

I need help.

 

What are you talking about?

 

Somebody fucking help me!

 

“I’m just gonna leave. This is kind of awkward. Yeah all my fault.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Really? You don’t love me? That was harsh.”

 

“Life’s harsh sometimes.”

 

“Thank you for that piece of information. I’m going now.”

 

“See you tomorrow.”

 

“Huh. Yeah, I guess. Stuck in this cycle, guess I can’t get out now.”

 

He glanced at his watch. 2:23. Time to call it. Jeff was officially dead. He left him there on the floor. People might ask or even scream what Jeff did to deserve this. Simply enough, he had tried to love Greg. And for that he would be punished. The only way he knew how.

 

I should have listened.

 

I’m…sorry.

 

I wish, oh... how I wish I could erase you from my life right now.

 

If only that were possible.

 
 
 

 “Say one more thing and I’ll rip your teeth out.”

 

Greg stayed silent until Chip had almost walked entirely out of the room. It was then when he decided to respond quite evenly, but loud enough for Chip to hear.

 

“I fucked him. That’s what I did last night and he was completely helpless. He screamed out your name like you were going to save him or something. He didn’t fight back. He just cried afterwards. I’d say it was rape but the kid couldn’t even cry the word no.”

 

Chip barreled towards him with a murderous glint in his eyes.

 

Oh, he’d pick up the pieces all right.

 

Comments

[spectalcat.livejournal.com]

Haha, cool.

I hope my comment didn't make it seem like I didn't like it. I just found it so thought-provoking I kind of blathered more than complimented.

[goblover.livejournal.com]

No no no, you're awesome

And don't worry, you didn't come off trying to blame the victim at all. You made a very accurate point. One that I was trying to strive for, I think.

And...Norbert Leo Butz? *faints* No no, I'm up now.

When I was writing this, I just had to keep replaying the bit at the beginning of Nobody Needs to Know. The whole "Hey kid, good morning. you look like an angel." Very much how I phrased Greg's speech.

[spectalcat.livejournal.com]

Am I? Groovy. :-D

::nods:: Looking at it again, I think I narrow my "favorite quotes" down to this one: You wanted this. / I wanted you. / This is what I am. It strikes me as the heart of the piece. It doesn't stick out from the rest of the mood and the narrative but it definitely crystallizes everything.

::grins at Norbiness::

The line "All right — the panic recedes... All right — everyone bleeds. All right — I get what I need. Nobody needs to know." suddenly comes to mind. But with a different connotation than in the song itself. If I apply it to Greg, it wouldn't be so much "nobody needs to know" about the affair, but about his internal experience. (Also: "All that I ask for Is one little corner, One private room At the back of my heart". Heehee, yes, definitely a great choice of title/reference!)