wl_fanfiction | [FIC] Under My Skin, 4/?

sungreen70.livejournal.com posting in

Yep, it's back. Hope you guys even remember this one. Thanks to all who've been following it and I'm sorry for being so slow with the updates! To refresh your memory, you can find the earlier chapters here:

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Also thanks to Cae, who provided me with a lovely Greg icon *points* to go with this story! *huggles Cae*

Couple of notes: I took a pretty big leap of creative license in introducing a new character in this chapter. You'll see who I mean... he was never on the UK version, and he would've been younger than he is in the story, but... you'll forgive me, right? ;) Also, I am brain dead and don't remember if "Foreign Film Dub" was played on the UK show. But this is why it's fiction! :)

Title: Under My Skin, 4/?
Author: Sun Green
Pairings: Greg/Ryan, Ryan/Colin
Rating: This part PG-13
Word Count: 4060
Summary: Greg and Colin talk

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Colin asked anxiously for at least the twentieth time in an hour. I rolled my eyes and went back to my newspaper.

“Uh huh,” Ryan murmured, eyes half closed as he leaned against Colin’s shoulder. “I’m fi -” His words were cut off by a violent sneeze that nearly knocked him off the green room sofa. Colin clucked over him like a mother hen, yanking a handful of tissues out of a box on the side table. I half expected him to hold them to Ryan’s nose for him to blow.

Shaking my head, I folded the paper and stood up. Colin removed his hand from Ryan’s forehead and looked up at me. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to build a germ free bubble to live in,” I told him, with a pointed look at Ryan. Colin grinned. Ryan halfheartedly gave me the finger with one hand as he swiped at his running nose with the other. I cringed at the sight and hoped he wouldn’t touch me during the taping. Leaving Colin Nightingale to tend to him, I headed out into the passageway.

With plenty of time to kill before I had to think about getting out onstage, I was loitering aimlessly in the hall, when a young man appeared around the corner, stopping short when he saw me.

“Oh, hey.” He grinned at me, the smile softening his rather sharp featured face. “Hello, Greg. I’m Jeff.” He thrust his hand out and I took it automatically, looking at him blankly. “Fourth chair today,” he explained, seeing my confusion.

“Oh, right.” I nodded, recalling. New kid joining you tomorrow, Clive had told me the night before. Kid was right, I noted, checking him out more closely. He couldn’t have been more than twenty four or twenty five. Good looking, in an unusual way. Longish dark hair flopped into his face, nearly obscuring piercing eyes. And geez, he was tall – close to Ryan’s height, I judged. Christ. Six feet tall and next to the rest of the Whose Line cast, I’m a midget.

Pumping my hand vigorously, Jeff continued. “I’m so glad to meet you. I really admire your work. It’s an honor to be performing with you. I’m looking forward to - ”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Jeff,” I cut in mid-gush. Catching himself, he stopped short, coloring a little. Then he laughed, so infectiously I smiled back.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly.

I smiled again, shaking my head. His enthusiastic energy reminded me a bit of Ryan. “No worries.” Hell, I’d been just as anxious my first time on the show, though I’d like to think it hadn’t been as apparent. “You meet the other guys yet?”

“Ryanandcolin?” he asked, a note of awe in his voice. “Just briefly, when I got here yesterday.”

I nodded towards the green room. “They’re in there, if you want to drop by. Uh…” I cautioned, as he eagerly headed in, “don’t shake hands with Ryan.”

He glanced at me curiously, decided not to pursue it, and with a wave of goodbye, continued on down the hall.

The taping went well. Despite his cold, Ryan managed to give another outstanding performance, and the audience was none the wiser. However, during breaks, he kept up a running litany of complaints until I was ready to suffocate him with one of his disgusting used tissues, which he dropped carelessly on the small table housing his and Colin’s water pitcher for the poor interns to collect and dispose of. I’m certain that several of them began rethinking their career choices as a result.

When I wasn’t contemplating assault with a germ-laden weapon, I spent my down time observing the new guy. Jeffrey Bryan Davis, as he was credited, wasn’t given a great deal to do this first time out. However, he made an impression on me, at least, during a game called Foreign Film Dub, in which Jeff and I stood at the side of the stage as Ryan and Colin acted out a scene in a made-up language. The two of them spouted gibberish which Jeff and I “translated” into English. They were playing the parts of wine makers stomping grapes, jumping about energetically while babbling to each other and gesturing broadly. The English dialogue provided by Jeff and myself grew more and more bizarre, having little or no bearing on the actual scene. I always enjoyed this game, and the opportunity to try to trip up the other performers.

On the main stage, Ryan rattled off a string of nonsense syllables, accompanied by a series of sweeping arm movements.

“The Kennedy assassination was a vast right-wing conspiracy,” I translated. Hell, it happens to be one of my favorite topics, which I can debate for hours. Beside me, Jeff snickered under his breath.

Colin replied to Ryan with a single syllable and as his translation, Jeff launched into a lengthy monologue that effectively refuted the theory of a single bullet. I snorted with laughter, though Ryan and Colin both threw him an exasperated glance and Colin pretended to look pointedly at his watch. The audience loved it, more for Ryan and Colin’s reactions, undoubtedly, but I was impressed with Jeff’s wealth of knowledge of a historical event he’d not even been alive for. The kid was obviously smart, and I would have enjoyed continuing the exchange. But it wouldn’t have made for good comedy, so I dropped it.

The scene ended a moment later, and I glanced at Jeff with new appreciation as we returned to our seats. He smirked back at me, settling into his chair. I’d have loved to engage him in further conversation on the Kennedy assassination sometime. Although who knew if I’d ever even see him again.

After the taping, Ryan launched into full diva mode, whining and complaining non-stop about his various aches and pains. He carried on so much that even Colin was starting to look fed up, and I think he was just as relieved as I was to be rid of him when we left him at the hotel (Ryan having grumpily announced that he just wanted to go to bed) and continued over to the pub on our own.

It was nice being with Colin, relaxed in a way that it wasn’t when Ryan was with us, what with the sexual tension that underscored everything any of us said or did. Tonight we could just unwind and enjoy each others’ company. A pleasant hour or so passed in leisurely conversation.

“Ready for another one?” I nodded toward Colin’s empty beer bottle. He wavered, glancing at his watch.

“I should go check on Ryan.”

“Oh, he’s fine.” I snorted. “Maybe a little disappointed that he doesn’t have an audience for his bravura performance, but he’ll be okay.”

Colin grinned. “You’re right. Set ‘em up.”

I went to get another round. When I returned and handed Colin his beer, he was watching me thoughtfully. I sat down across from him and waited, sipping my beer.

“Can I ask you something?” he ventured finally.

“Go ahead.”

He eyed me warily. “What’s the deal with you and Ryan?”

I raised my eyebrows. “The deal? Are you asking me what my intentions are?”

He chuckled uncomfortably. “Something like that.”

I smirked. “They’re honorable, never fear. Well, they’re not dishonorable. Not very, anyway.”

Colin didn’t laugh. He studied me closely, running a finger along the rim of his bottle. “I guess what I want to know is… where do you see this going?”

“Going?” I repeated. “Why does it have to ‘go’ anywhere?”

He met my eyes. “So you don’t see… a future with Ryan?”

“Well, sure I see a future with him,” I said. “I see a future for us as friends… as fuck buddies, for as long as Ryan wants that.”

Colin gave me a faintly disapproving look. “And that’s all?”

I was getting a little annoyed. “It works for me. And I haven’t heard any complaints from Ryan, either.”

“But you don’t love him.” There was something of a challenge in Colin’s voice.

Normally I wouldn’t have bothered trying to explain myself. My personal affairs were no one’s business but my own. But this was Colin. And I liked him enough to try to make him understand. I thought carefully before I spoke.

“I’m fond of him,” I said finally. “He’s a great guy. He’s a good friend. I like being with him. But… love, the way you’re talking about, Col…being in love…” I shook my head. “I don’t do that.”

Colin regarded me curiously. “Why?”

“Why?” I repeated. I raised my hands helplessly. “Hell, I don’t know. I mean, what’s the point? People throw all their time and energy into being in love… close themselves off from everything and everyone else. The other person becomes their entire life. And then it ends. In a couple months, years, whatever… and they’re left with nothing. They have to start all over again.”

“What if it doesn’t end?” Colin countered.

“It always ends. Sure, people get married, stay married, but do they stay in love? Are they still passionate? Happy?”

He shrugged. “Some people are.”

“Come on, do you know anyone who’s still in love – deeply, passionately in love – with the same person after… I don’t know, ten years? Twenty?”

Colin looked down, then back at me. “Yes,” he replied quietly. “I do.”

I paused, realizing exactly who he meant. His heart was in his eyes, making my biting retort die on my tongue. “Well,” I said, more gently. “It’s never going to be like that for Ryan and me. It’s not him,” I added. “It’s just the way I am.”

“Ryan deserves better than that,” Colin said coolly.

I smiled wryly. “Yeah,” I agreed. “You’re right. But he knows what the deal is, Col. He’s okay with it. And if he finds something better…” I shrugged, “he’s free to go after it.”

Colin looked away, flinching a little. I imagine he was picturing Ryan with yet another man who wasn’t Colin himself.

“Anyway,” I countered, “I’m not the one he wants.”

Colin looked back at me, startled. He nodded slightly, then sighed. “He needs to move on,” he said softly. I saw him glance at the gold wedding band on his finger.

I studied him as I took out my cigarettes and lit up. His sadness was palpable. My instinct was to change the subject – as I may have mentioned, I’m not big on emotional scenes. But this time, something stopped me from taking the easy way out. “But this isn’t a one-sided thing. You love Ryan too. Right?”

He hesitated, looking at me as if weighing my reaction before he spoke. Then he gave me a barely perceptible nod. “More than anything,” he said quietly.

His intensity nearly took my breath away. I was silent for a long moment before I found my voice.

“Then what are you doing, man?”

Colin exhaled deeply, staring down at the tabletop. Absently, he twisted his wedding ring around his finger. “It’s complicated.”

I couldn’t help it. I rolled my eyes. “What does that mean, exactly?” I asked. “That’s what Ryan says too – ‘it’s complicated’. Well, what’s so complicated about it? You want him, he wants you. Neither of you have my quirky little hang-ups about everlasting love. Why can’t the two of you live happily ever after?”

Colin smiled wryly. “Well, this, for one thing,” he replied, holding up his hand to display the ring.

I shook my head. “Come on, this was going on long before that. You had years to do something about it. Why didn’t you?”

Colin sighed again, idly peeling off bits of the label from his beer bottle. “Have you ever met Ryan’s parents?”

I shook my head.

“Well, they’re pretty old. Ryan’s the youngest of five, you know. Anyway, they’re strict, too, and set in their ways, especially his father. Ryan’s always had problems with him. He doesn’t approve of a lot of things Ryan’s done with his life – like going after an acting career, while his brothers all went into the military. That’s still a sore point between them. I suppose Ryan’s told you about it.”

He hadn’t, actually. Or, it occurred to me, maybe he had, during one of those times when he was in the mood for conversation, whereas I just wanted to get on with the physical activity and wasn’t really listening. I shrugged and waited for Colin to continue.

“It’s hard on Ryan. He does what’s right for him, always has, but not without cost. His relationship with his father is pretty strained, and because of that, so is his relationship with the rest of the family. It hurts him. They were all close when Ryan was growing up, but things changed when he started becoming the stubborn rebel that he is now.” A fond smile crossed Colin’s face, before he turned serious again. “In fact, a few years ago when Ryan left Vancouver to join Second City, his father got so angry about what he was sure was going to disgrace the family, he stopped talking to him for over a year. Ryan didn’t see anyone in his family that whole time. It tore him apart, Greg. He was a wreck.” Colin shook his head, remembering. “Anyway… this… the way we feel about each other… it’s something his parents would never understand or accept.”

I looked at him, bewildered. “You mean it’s Ryan that’s been holding back? But -”

Shaking his head, Colin cut me off. “No. Ryan would have done it. He would have cut himself off from his family. Because that’s what would happen - his father would disown him for good. And the rest of them – his mother, his brothers – would go along with it, because… well, that’s what they do. Ryan’s the only one that’s ever challenged him in any way.” He sighed deeply. “It would destroy him. He thinks he could handle it, but… God, Greg, I couldn’t let him do that to himself.”

I was incredulous. I’d always assumed that Colin had been holding back out of fear… fear of what his family would think, what it might do to his career – the usual, not at all unrealistic fears I’d come up against time and again. I could understand that.

But to sacrifice his own happiness because he wanted to protect Ryan from being hurt - that was something else entirely. It was selfless. Noble. It spoke of the kind of profound love that I’d just been swearing to Colin doesn’t exist.

My God, he almost made me believe in it.

Colin looked at me and chuckled sheepishly. As if he knew exactly what I was thinking – which I often thought he did – he added, “Don’t think I’m that unselfish. It’s not the only reason. Fact is, I’m just a coward.”

I smiled slightly. “But you’d get over that… if you didn’t think it would hurt Ryan.”

Colin nodded slowly. “Yeah. I think maybe I could have. But,” he added sadly, “Every time I thought about just saying to hell with what anyone else thought, I’d come right back to the beginning. I couldn’t let Ryan risk losing everything.” He smiled painfully. “But then he went ahead and risked it anyway.”

“What, with me?” I shook my head. “It’s not the same thing. It’s not like he’s going to bring me home to Mom and Dad and say ‘this is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with’. Hell,” I added, “the only reason this started in the first place was because Ryan was heartbroken over you.”

Colin gave me a puzzled glance. I nodded. “Right before you got married. I guess he needed comforting… then later I was just a warm body to replace the one he couldn’t have. That’s all I am, you know – a stand-in for you.” I paused, hearing the words as I spoke them aloud. Well, I’d always known that.

Staring pensively into space, Colin didn’t seem to notice that I’d stopped talking. I cleared my throat. “Anyway… to answer your original question… That’s the deal with Ryan and me. No deal at all, really.”

Colin returned his gaze to me, and smiled sadly. “I’m sorry to hear that. I think you’re the only one I would have been able to bear seeing Ryan end up with.”

“Well... thanks, Col.” I dropped my eyes in embarrassment. Accepting compliments is another thing I’m not particularly good at.

We lapsed into silence. I was thinking about everything Colin had just told me about Ryan. I hadn’t known any of it. Not about his family, or the pain they’d caused him for doing what was right for him. And not about his willingness to go through it all again, and more – for love. For Colin. It said a lot about him, I reflected. For the first time, it occurred to me that for all the time I spent with him, I really didn’t know Ryan all that well. And it seemed as though there was a lot worth knowing.

Colin, too, was lost in thought. I dragged on my cigarette as he absently twisted the wedding band around his finger again. Breaking the silence, I touched it gingerly with my fingertip.

“So how’d that come about?” He glanced at it, then back at me sheepishly

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. An easy way out. I just figured it was time for both of us to move on, and I thought this was the way to do it.” He chuckled ironically. “Didn’t work.”

Another minute or two passed as I watched Colin twirl his ring.

“What does your wife think of all this?” I asked finally.

“I haven’t discussed it with her,” Colin said dryly.

“I know - I mean… she must have some idea, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know. She’s known us both for a long time. Ryan longer than me, actually. We met at Second City. But if she’s ever suspected anything, she hasn’t said. Anyway, she made it clear from the beginning that she was interested. And I care about her, Greg – a lot. It’s not just a marriage of convenience or anything like that. She’s a great person.”

I nodded. “Sure.”

He stared at me, though I didn’t say anything else. Then, dropping his eyes, he added, almost under his breath, “It’s just that she’s not Ryan.”

We were quiet for a moment. “Well then,” I said finally, “Maybe you need to do something about that.”

Colin shook his head. “It’s too late now.”

“But -” I began.

“I can’t, Greg. It’s not just about Ryan and me anymore. Now I’ve brought Deb into this too. If I left her... she’d be hurt. She wants to have kids… her parents want to be grandparents. It would affect them too.” He shook his head. When he spoke again, his voice was shaky. “How many more people can I hurt?” Blinking rapidly, he picked up his beer and took a deep swallow.

I was silent, watching him. Then I shrugged.

“I guess it’s pretty convenient, having all these excuses,” I remarked. He looked up at me, startled. I smiled slightly. “You’ve been sitting here telling me you want Ryan, you love him – more than anything – that you would be with him if you could, but… you can’t, because it would cause Ryan pain. He’s willing to take that chance… he’s been telling you for years that he is. And now he’s proving it. Oh, he’snot really risking anything with me, but maybe he will be with the next guy.”

Colin cringed visibly. He started to speak, but I held up a hand to stop him. “Okay, so now you know that Ryan’s prepared to do whatever it takes to be with you. Too bad you have a wife to think about now. You can’t, because it would hurt her. So you have to deny yourself – and Ryan – again, of the one thing you both want more than anything else. Look, Col,” I added, touching his arm briefly across the table, “I’m not saying that these aren’t completely legitimate concerns. And there’s no doubt in my mind – none – that they really are a big part of why you’ve been holding back all this time. Because that’s who you are – Christ, you’re the most fucking noble person I’ve ever known.”

Again, he tried to speak, but I was on a roll. I kept right on talking. “As far as your wife is concerned, I’m assuming she’s not blind. I mean, I knew how you felt about Ryan from the first day I met you. She sees you all the time… do you really think she hasn’t figured it out? Maybe she hasn’t said anything, but she has to have some idea. And maybe she’s hanging on for the reasons you’ve said… her family, because she wants to have kids… but think about it, man… you’re staying in a marriage because you don’t want to hurt her, but how happy do you think she is, knowing that however much you care about her, she isn’t the one you love and need?”

Colin looked stricken. “I -” he began. But I wasn’t finished.

“What do you think would happen if you went home to your wife and told her that you were leaving? She’d be hurt, sure – there’s no getting around that. Maybe for a long time. But eventually she’d move on. To someone else, maybe - someone who can give her what she needs. And doesn’t she deserve that?” I softened my voice a little.

“You deserve it too. And so does Ryan. Sure, it would be painful, especially at first, but you can’t always avoid that, you know? Otherwise you’re just coasting along, protecting yourself, maybe keeping away the bad stuff, but not getting any of the good stuff either. It’s less scary, sure, but - Christ, man, that’s not living.”

I was done. I picked up my beer and drank, eyeing Colin over the rim of the bottle. My words had taken a toll on him, I could see. He sagged back in his chair, staring at me without seeming to see me. I sat quietly drinking and smoking, while he took it all in.

I’m not sure how much time passed before Colin stood up, startling me. Before I could speak, he came around to my side of the booth and leaned down, enveloping me in a fierce hug.

“Whoa, what’s that for?” I got out, my words muffled against his shirtfront as he crushed me to him.

Letting go, he looked down at me, misty-eyed. “That’s because you’re pretty fucking noble yourself. And because you’re right.” Reaching back to his side of the booth, he picked up his jacket.

“Where are you going?” I asked as he shrugged it on.

“To tell Ryan that you’re right.” He smiled faintly. “Before I lose my nerve.” With a brief squeeze of my shoulder, he left, leaving me staring after him in astonishment.

I hadn’t been expecting that. Not really. I’d gotten caught up in the intellectual stimulation of persuading Colin of what he needed to do. I love being right, and I love making others see that I’m right. It’s part of who I am.

And, I suppose, I’d been half hoping to convince him simply because it really was the right thing for him, and for Ryan. And because somehow, between the two of them, they’d managed to uncover an unfathomable soft side of me, one that genuinely wanted them to be happy. That side had been fueling my argument as well.

But hell, I hadn’t really thought he’d listen to me.

I picked up my beer, draining it in one deep swallow. Then I reached for the half full bottle that Colin had left, and emptied that too.

So I’d made such a convincing case that right now Colin was on his way to Ryan – to declare his love, once and for all. Christ... I might have changed both of their lives. I probably should have been feeling pretty good about myself right then. Instead, I found myself wondering where it would leave me.

And wondering why the hell I cared.