[FIC] When Darkness Falls 28
Sep. 19th, 2006 09:28 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
makingamochrie.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
wl_fanfictionTITLE: When Darkness Falls
PART: 28
PAIRING: Colin/Ryan (?)
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: FICTION. Don't own, don't sue
SUMMARY: Greg and Colin have a talk. That's about it.
He felt the sudden, urgent need to get outside. The space he was in was suddenly too confining, even without walls. “I must be going insane,” he muttered, hand pressed to his suddenly sweating forehead. He didn’t even notice Greg’s startled look as he brushed by the still kneeling man. “Going? Hell, I’m already there.”
By the time Greg managed to get out of the house, Colin was standing in the bright sun, bent over with his hands on his knees. A half empty water bottle was standing beside him and water—or sweat, Greg couldn’t tell which—was dripping from his face in torrents. When Greg placed a gentle hand on Colin’s shoulder, the normally even-keeled Canadian nearly rocketed to the moon.
Greg yanked his hand away as if burnt. “Christ, Col! What’s wrong? What happened?”
“N-nothing,” Colin replied, raising a shaky hand to his brow. “I’m alright.” He tried to muster up a smile. It came out weak and tremulous.
“Dude, I’ve seen ‘alright’, and you’re not even in the same fucking zip code. Talk to me, man. What’s up?”
Colin let go a laugh that Greg recognized easily. It was the same one that he used when he’d hurt himself onstage. Greg’s eyes narrowed in concern and he chanced a hand again on Colin’s warm, heavily sweating back. “Talk to me, Col. Tell me what’s going on.”
Slowly, like a man twice his age, Colin straightened, shrugging the hand from his back. “It’s…really nothing, Greg. Maybe a little bit of heat exhaustion or something. I’m fine now. Really.”
But Greg wasn’t going to be dissuaded so easily. Grabbing Colin’s wrist, he began tugging him to an area where there weren’t any bystanders. Surprisingly, Colin followed without protest. Spying a splintery but solid enough looking wooden crate, Greg urged his friend down upon it, then knelt before him, resting a hand gently on Colin’s knee. Then he simply looked into those deep, dark eyes patiently.
Colin’s darted away after only a few seconds, and he scratched at his nose, yet another nervous tic. “I….” Shoulders slumping, he sighed and shook his head. “It’s really….”
“If you say ‘nothing’ again, Col, I’m going to forget I’m basically a non-violent person and snap your fucking neck for you. Talk to me, man. Tell me what’s got you so bugged.”
“I think I’m losing what’s left of my mind,” he murmured, so softly that Greg had to strain to hear it.
The comic had to deliberately bite his tongue to keep the instinctual sarcastic response from coming out. It hurt like a bitch, but it helped focus him back on task. He looked up into Colin’s eyes again, and if those weren’t tears shining there, he was a monkey’s uncle twice removed. “Did…did Ryan say something to you?” His voice was soft, but there was anger there.
“No!” Colin replied quickly, then seemed to reconsider. “Well, yes, but not how you’re thinking. And besides, I started it.”
“Started what? You’ve got me in the fucking dark here, Col.”
Shaking his head, Colin sighed again. “It’s…I made a joke, alright? It was a…flirtatious joke.”
“And he didn’t like it?”
“That’s just the problem. He did like it. And he gave it back to me.”
Greg used his free hand to rub at his forehead. “I’m still not getting the picture. How is that a problem?”
“Why am I doing this?” Colin cried out, giving voice to the thought that kept circling around in his head.
A few people looked over at the two of them, startled by the unexpected shout, but just as quickly looked away, warned off by Greg’s dark stare. “Woah, partner,” he soothed, patting Colin’s now jogging knee. “Slow down a bit and take a few breaths. You look like you’re gonna pass right the fuck out.”
But Colin didn’t hear him, not really. “It’s like…it’s like I’m at the top of a very tall building, and all I want to do is jump. Or like there’s this really huge fire right in front of me, and I want…no, I need…to walk right into it, to feel it burn my skin.” Letting go a breath, he grabbed onto his head with both hands and squeezed. “I’ve never thought of myself as a masochist. What in the hell is wrong with me?”
Colin made as if to bolt, and Greg wrapped an arm around his thigh. Not that that would stop the man if he really wanted to leave, but the touch must have gotten through, because Colin relaxed, at least a little bit, and remained sitting. “Ok,” Greg breathed, “ok. Now just hang on a second for me, ok? Just let me put this all together.”
“There’s nothing to put together! I’m going nuts!”
“No, man. No, you’re not. What you are is allowing yourself to fall in love with Ryan again.”
Colin looked down at him with wide, incredulous eyes. “Allowing? Greg, that’s the point! If I was consciously deciding this, I’d shut it off!” His lips twisted. “I’d find out wherever it was and I’d rip it out by the roots! I don’t want to feel like this!”
Greg shook his head. “But you do, Col. And that’s the point. Maybe I used a poor choice of words. What I think is happening is that you’re allowing yourself to feel what’s been there all along, man. You’re letting yourself notice it.” He smiled slightly. “Colin, you walled yourself up three years ago. Just like that fucking house over there. Or that bomb shelter they’re calling a school. You know you did.” He shrugged. “And now those walls are coming down a little, that’s all. It’s okay to be a freaked, man. It’s a scary feeling, when it comes rushing at you like that. There’s nothing wrong with that, and there’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Greg,” Colin replied, his voice soft and contemplative, “there’s a man up there,” he indicated the roof with a nod of his chin, “who loves me. Who would lay down his life for me without question. Who has never, in all the years we’ve known one another, ever so much as raised his voice to me, let alone his hand. Who would, if I only asked it of him, be faithful to me for as long as we were together, which would probably be for the rest of our lives.” Laughing bitterly, he shook his head. “I’m no great shakes, and I don’t know why it’s true. I only know that it is.”
Greg nodded with perfect seriousness. “It is.”
“And then there’s Ryan.”
Greg nodded again.
“And you think that’s normal?” Colin demanded. “That there’s nothing wrong with that?”
“You can’t help who you love, man. If you could, this world would probably be a fuck of a lot happier than it is, but it just doesn’t work that way.”
“I wish to God it did,” Colin replied, burying his face in his hands.
“That’s a wish that won’t ever be granted, Col,” Greg replied quietly. “You can make the choice not to get back together with Ryan, but you can’t choose not to be in love with him. The same way that you can choose to get together with Brad, but you can’t make yourself fall in love with the guy. It just doesn’t work that way, man. You’re drawn to who you’re drawn to and no one knows the fuck why. It just is.”
“When I’m with Ryan,” Colin said, talking mostly to himself, “it’s the same as how I feel when I’m up on stage. Not when a routine is going well, but when it’s going badly, just seconds away from disaster, and I’m pulling out all the stops, not knowing if what I’m doing is going to make things better or worse, and not even caring. It’s…such a rush, teetering on the edge like that, wondering which way it’s going to go.”
“The fucking cat,” Greg muttered after a long moment of silence had stretched between them.
Colin looked askance at him, blinking at the apparent non-sequitur. When Greg continued staring at him, light finally dawned, and Colin found himself laughing. “You actually remember that?”
“Remember it? Fuck, Col! That and the Richard Simmons bit are the only two times in my life so far where I came this close to pissing myself from laughing so hard.” Snorting laughter, Greg shook his head. “I remember it so clearly. Ryan started to stumble, and you got this…fucking manic look in your eyes, and you just…took over. You were totally outta control, but at the same time, you were totally you. Kind of like a snake that had just shed its skin.” Colin’s face screwed up, and Greg laughed again. “I mean that in a good way, Col. Even if I didn’t want to admit it, I always knew you were good at what you did. But that day…man…I realized that when you let yourself go like that, you were scary good—better than anybody has a fucking right to be.”
Colin just looked at him in wonder for a moment, the ghost of a smile gracing his face. Then, reaching out and down, he pulled a startled Greg up to him, embracing him tightly. “I know you you’re not too keen on hearing this, but I love you, Greg.”
Allowing himself to relax, Greg chuckled and patted Colin on the back. “I’m always keen on hearing that, man. And I love you, too. You know that right?”
“I do.”
“Hell, if I believed in that relationship shit, I might be fighting Ryan and the Brad-man for you.”
Colin laughed softly. “I think you’d probably be fighting me for Ryan.”
Stiffening slightly, Greg pulled away enough to look Colin in the eye. “I’d never do that, man. Ever.” Then he waggled his eyebrows. “Though I wouldn’t kick either of your asses out for eating crackers in bed. Preferably together, and with me in the middle.”
“You’re incorrigible.”
“And you wouldn’t have me any other way, man.”
“Oh, I’ve had you lots of ways,” Colin countered.
Greg just grinned and shook his head. “I’m a damn good influence on you, Colin Mochrie, and don’t you forget it.”
“Never,” Colin promised. “Besides, you wouldn’t let me even if I tried.”
Laughing Greg slid away. “Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Now this is gonna make me sound like someone who totally isn’t me, but…follow your heart, man. That’s the best advice I can give you.”
Colin sighed. “I did that once already, Greg, and this is where I’ve wound up.”
Greg shrugged. “I can dig that, Col. Maybe it’s time to try again, though.”
“Maybe. Hell, I dunno. I still think I’m going crazy.”
“That’s love for you, man. Nothing but crazy fucking shit.”
Colin stood, rolled his eyes, and clapped his friend on the back. “You’ll get no argument from me on that one.”
*********
To be continued....
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Date: 2006-09-19 02:25 pm (UTC)I really liked this conversation... I know the feeling Colin talks about, and god, if I could find a relationship like that... Also, Greg is very sweet here *pets him* :)
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Date: 2006-09-19 02:28 pm (UTC)Relationships like that are really...intense...but there's alot of bad that goes with the good, and sometimes that's hard to accept, especially if you're on the receiving end of the 'bad'. *g* But anyway, I'm glad you liked. You have mail, btw.
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Date: 2006-09-19 02:30 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-09-19 05:42 pm (UTC)You really write emotion well.
I'm just not the forgiving type, and I can't feel a rush for someone who did something like that to me.
"Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you or are you going to run to the one you love?" Remember that song? I always used to wonder what was wrong with waiting til you found someone who you loved and who loved you? There's no shame in being alone.
Or with Brad. ;)
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Date: 2006-09-19 10:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-19 11:13 pm (UTC)"Oh, I've had you a lot of ways," Colin countered.
That is a great quip. lol
I like Greg's words of wisdom.
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Date: 2006-09-19 11:16 pm (UTC)