Fic 6 of 100
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wl_fanfictionTitle: Always the First to Know
Fandom: Whose Line is it Anyway?
Characters: Greg Proops/Ryan Stiles mentions of Colin Mochrie
Prompt: 096. Writer's Choice
Word Count: 1640
Rating: R
Summary: There's only one way to stop loving him.
Author's Notes: A follow up to These Tears Are for You.A songfic of Kelly Clarkson’s Because of You. Greg's POV. WARNING CHARACTER DEATH.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
“That was great, Ryan.” Danny, or Dean, or whatever his name is, tells me as he walks out of the bathroom.
I never tell them my real name, that’s already letting them get too close, but I get a sense of satisfaction telling them his name. Something about hearing whatever meaningless bottom boy I’m with, scream that name just sets something off in me. I think it’s easier to kick them out when they say that name over and over, like I did on so many occasions.
“Yeah, you better go now.” I say lighting a cigarette.
He smiles at me, and leans in for a kiss. I push him away, and he pouts from his place standing at the side of my bed.
“Can I at least get your number?”
I laugh at that, a sound that’s shrill and foreign even to my own ears. My number, yeah sure, if it were only as easy as it sounds.
“Just get out, thanks for all the fun.”
I flash him a seedy grin. He grabs his clothes off the floor and storms towards the door.
“Fuck you!”
“Been there, done that!” I yell at him as he leaves and slams the door behind him.
I wish I could’ve kissed him, but I couldn’t. He, like the countless others, probably think of me as cold hearted, throwing them out with ease. It was easy , but never cold hearted. I do it for one reason and one reason only: protection.
Because of you
I’ll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
ring ring
The phone? Whoever this is is gonna get a piece of my mind. I don’t care if it’s my damn mother calling to say dear old dad had a stroke, she should know better than to call here and not the cell.
“What?” I answer sharply.
There’s no answer back.
“Hello?” I say, even shrewder, hoping to hear a dial tone next.
“Um, uh....hey. It’s Ryan.”
The room spins. I haven’t heard from him in almost two years. Yeah, I talk to him on the set, but only during the show, which has become torture, being so close and so far away from him at the same time, that and having to watch them . We never talk after, not even small talk, not anymore. I don’t think I could, either. My common sense hates him, but my heart still cries for him, and I think if I talk to him, I’ll fall to pieces. Hell, right now, just at the sound of his voice, I want to cry, and I hate myself for it.
I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with
I attempt to speak at least four times before any actual words come.
“Oh, hi, what do you want?”
It sickens me how needy that sounds. Even after what he’s done to me, I still ache for anything he has to say.
“How are things going?” He asks, ignoring my question.
“They’re...going. I finally pulled Jennifer off my ass, and told the guys everything.”
“It’s about time.” He says, attempting to keep the conversation light with a joke, but I’m starting to get the drift of his call, and I can’t believe his audacity.
“Sorry I wasn’t as prompt as you were, but at least I told the whole story.” I say, my voice dripping with utter disdain, I ‘ve gotten quite good at doing that lately.
He doesn’t answer, all I hear is raspy breathing. I wonder vaguely if he’s actually been crying.
“Yeah, I told them about us, and you have some fucking nerve calling me like this, calling to make sure I didn’t ruin your little relationship, with our pathetic past. Well guess what, Ryan? I did! Okay? And I hope Colin is as disgusted by it as I am!” I scream at him, I don’t even realize that the tears I’ve learned not to cry until nighttime, are flowing freely.
Because of you
I’ll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
“That’s not why I called...but did you tell them...never mind.”
His voice is shaking worse than my shoulders. I’m exasperated. One phone call from him and everything I’ve kept bottled up crashes to the floor.
“Did I tell them what?”
“Did you tell them that, I told you first.”
It’s my turn to be silent. Just when I think I have him figured out, he changes.
“How about that when I left my wife, it was for you? Or how if it wasn’t for you I’d be living a lie?”
The floodgates of my mind are opened. The walls I’ve built around those memories crumble. Everything comes back, everything I’ve fought against for so long. The time after he told his family, and had come to me, in tears, because his father had been so cruel, all the walks in the park in the pouring London rain, every kiss in the alley way outside the studio, the way he made me smile by just watching him. I’ve seen him at his worst and at his best, and it’s killing me slowly, that I shall never see him in anyway again.
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should’ve known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
“I wanted to tell you that for a long time. You’re the only reason Im anything today, and... I’m sorry.”
His voice is barely above a whisper. I can picture him sitting up in bed, the comforter pooled in his lap, a cloud of smoke encircling his head, the light of a passing car casting shadows on his bare chest. The image was picture perfect, only marred by one thing. The sleeping form at Ryan’s side.
“You just care about Colin more. I get it.” I said, my sarcasm losing it’s edge with my pitiful tone.
“Greg, I love Colin, and I loved you. That day you found us, it just happened, and I know people say that all the time, but I wanted you to know that it wasn’t going on before then. He was who I told after you, and...I don’t know. I guess I always loved him.”
The sound of his smile makes me sick to my stomach, but I understood. I can understand loving someone from a far, and finally getting a chance to be with them.
“I understand, but I want you to know that I don’t forgive you. That I don’t want to forgive you.”
“That’s fine, you have the right to. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”
I smile, despite the situation. It seems like the stab wounds in my back, and in my heart, are beginning to heal a little. It’s awe-inspiring how much a little closure can do.
“So, why’d you call anyway?”
There’s a pause.
“Oh yeah. Um...”
He clears his throat, and is obviously struggling with what he has to say.
“Next weekend, Col and I are gonna make it legal. We have a ceremony set up in Vancouver.”
The world stops spinning and I go numb. I close my eyes against fresh tears and try to make my voice even.
“That’s really great Ryan. Congratulations. Be sure to send me an invite.”
I’m barely aware I say the words. All I can hear is an odd electric beep, similar to the one heard when a hospital patient’s heart stops. They must sound alright though, because Ryan seems relieved.
“Thanks, man, it really means a lot to...”
“Listen, I gotta go, I’ll see ya.” I say, hanging up the phone, with a hand that doesn’t seem to belong to me.
It looks like those wounds weren’t beginning to heal, they were only numbing as Ryan pushed the knife in to the hilt, right before twisting it. I don’t know what to do. I thought that if I just hid away it would disappear, but it only got worse. They’re...getting married. That makes it real. The room spins manically, before screeching to a halt. I run to the bathroom and barely make it to the toilet before the contents of my stomach empty.
Because of you
I’ll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid
As I wipe the residue from my face, I suddenly,do know what to do, the only way I could ever stop loving him. I stumble to the medicine cabinet, noticing on the way that Danny (or was it Dean?) left his wallet. Well, I think to myself, as I reach for the bottle of Ambien and walk back into the bedroom for the bottle of scotch on my night stand, won’t he have a nice surprise waiting for him when he comes to get it?
Because of you
Because of you
~End~
Fandom: Whose Line is it Anyway?
Characters: Greg Proops/Ryan Stiles mentions of Colin Mochrie
Prompt: 096. Writer's Choice
Word Count: 1640
Rating: R
Summary: There's only one way to stop loving him.
Author's Notes: A follow up to These Tears Are for You.A songfic of Kelly Clarkson’s Because of You. Greg's POV. WARNING CHARACTER DEATH.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
“That was great, Ryan.” Danny, or Dean, or whatever his name is, tells me as he walks out of the bathroom.
I never tell them my real name, that’s already letting them get too close, but I get a sense of satisfaction telling them his name. Something about hearing whatever meaningless bottom boy I’m with, scream that name just sets something off in me. I think it’s easier to kick them out when they say that name over and over, like I did on so many occasions.
“Yeah, you better go now.” I say lighting a cigarette.
He smiles at me, and leans in for a kiss. I push him away, and he pouts from his place standing at the side of my bed.
“Can I at least get your number?”
I laugh at that, a sound that’s shrill and foreign even to my own ears. My number, yeah sure, if it were only as easy as it sounds.
“Just get out, thanks for all the fun.”
I flash him a seedy grin. He grabs his clothes off the floor and storms towards the door.
“Fuck you!”
“Been there, done that!” I yell at him as he leaves and slams the door behind him.
I wish I could’ve kissed him, but I couldn’t. He, like the countless others, probably think of me as cold hearted, throwing them out with ease. It was easy , but never cold hearted. I do it for one reason and one reason only: protection.
Because of you
I’ll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
ring ring
The phone? Whoever this is is gonna get a piece of my mind. I don’t care if it’s my damn mother calling to say dear old dad had a stroke, she should know better than to call here and not the cell.
“What?” I answer sharply.
There’s no answer back.
“Hello?” I say, even shrewder, hoping to hear a dial tone next.
“Um, uh....hey. It’s Ryan.”
The room spins. I haven’t heard from him in almost two years. Yeah, I talk to him on the set, but only during the show, which has become torture, being so close and so far away from him at the same time, that and having to watch them . We never talk after, not even small talk, not anymore. I don’t think I could, either. My common sense hates him, but my heart still cries for him, and I think if I talk to him, I’ll fall to pieces. Hell, right now, just at the sound of his voice, I want to cry, and I hate myself for it.
I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with
I attempt to speak at least four times before any actual words come.
“Oh, hi, what do you want?”
It sickens me how needy that sounds. Even after what he’s done to me, I still ache for anything he has to say.
“How are things going?” He asks, ignoring my question.
“They’re...going. I finally pulled Jennifer off my ass, and told the guys everything.”
“It’s about time.” He says, attempting to keep the conversation light with a joke, but I’m starting to get the drift of his call, and I can’t believe his audacity.
“Sorry I wasn’t as prompt as you were, but at least I told the whole story.” I say, my voice dripping with utter disdain, I ‘ve gotten quite good at doing that lately.
He doesn’t answer, all I hear is raspy breathing. I wonder vaguely if he’s actually been crying.
“Yeah, I told them about us, and you have some fucking nerve calling me like this, calling to make sure I didn’t ruin your little relationship, with our pathetic past. Well guess what, Ryan? I did! Okay? And I hope Colin is as disgusted by it as I am!” I scream at him, I don’t even realize that the tears I’ve learned not to cry until nighttime, are flowing freely.
Because of you
I’ll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
“That’s not why I called...but did you tell them...never mind.”
His voice is shaking worse than my shoulders. I’m exasperated. One phone call from him and everything I’ve kept bottled up crashes to the floor.
“Did I tell them what?”
“Did you tell them that, I told you first.”
It’s my turn to be silent. Just when I think I have him figured out, he changes.
“How about that when I left my wife, it was for you? Or how if it wasn’t for you I’d be living a lie?”
The floodgates of my mind are opened. The walls I’ve built around those memories crumble. Everything comes back, everything I’ve fought against for so long. The time after he told his family, and had come to me, in tears, because his father had been so cruel, all the walks in the park in the pouring London rain, every kiss in the alley way outside the studio, the way he made me smile by just watching him. I’ve seen him at his worst and at his best, and it’s killing me slowly, that I shall never see him in anyway again.
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should’ve known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
“I wanted to tell you that for a long time. You’re the only reason Im anything today, and... I’m sorry.”
His voice is barely above a whisper. I can picture him sitting up in bed, the comforter pooled in his lap, a cloud of smoke encircling his head, the light of a passing car casting shadows on his bare chest. The image was picture perfect, only marred by one thing. The sleeping form at Ryan’s side.
“You just care about Colin more. I get it.” I said, my sarcasm losing it’s edge with my pitiful tone.
“Greg, I love Colin, and I loved you. That day you found us, it just happened, and I know people say that all the time, but I wanted you to know that it wasn’t going on before then. He was who I told after you, and...I don’t know. I guess I always loved him.”
The sound of his smile makes me sick to my stomach, but I understood. I can understand loving someone from a far, and finally getting a chance to be with them.
“I understand, but I want you to know that I don’t forgive you. That I don’t want to forgive you.”
“That’s fine, you have the right to. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”
I smile, despite the situation. It seems like the stab wounds in my back, and in my heart, are beginning to heal a little. It’s awe-inspiring how much a little closure can do.
“So, why’d you call anyway?”
There’s a pause.
“Oh yeah. Um...”
He clears his throat, and is obviously struggling with what he has to say.
“Next weekend, Col and I are gonna make it legal. We have a ceremony set up in Vancouver.”
The world stops spinning and I go numb. I close my eyes against fresh tears and try to make my voice even.
“That’s really great Ryan. Congratulations. Be sure to send me an invite.”
I’m barely aware I say the words. All I can hear is an odd electric beep, similar to the one heard when a hospital patient’s heart stops. They must sound alright though, because Ryan seems relieved.
“Thanks, man, it really means a lot to...”
“Listen, I gotta go, I’ll see ya.” I say, hanging up the phone, with a hand that doesn’t seem to belong to me.
It looks like those wounds weren’t beginning to heal, they were only numbing as Ryan pushed the knife in to the hilt, right before twisting it. I don’t know what to do. I thought that if I just hid away it would disappear, but it only got worse. They’re...getting married. That makes it real. The room spins manically, before screeching to a halt. I run to the bathroom and barely make it to the toilet before the contents of my stomach empty.
Because of you
I’ll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid
As I wipe the residue from my face, I suddenly,do know what to do, the only way I could ever stop loving him. I stumble to the medicine cabinet, noticing on the way that Danny (or was it Dean?) left his wallet. Well, I think to myself, as I reach for the bottle of Ambien and walk back into the bedroom for the bottle of scotch on my night stand, won’t he have a nice surprise waiting for him when he comes to get it?
Because of you
Because of you
~End~
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Date: 2006-04-18 12:49 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-04-18 07:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 02:34 pm (UTC)This story was mindblowing, although I may just be biased because I love stories where someone we care about ends up getting whumped or dead or kill themselves...I may have some issues I need to work on.
But seriously, there is nothing more I love to read *and* write than angst, and this was angsty as all hell. That phone conversation was bliss, just perfect and I applaud you! Adored the last line too, fantastic! Keep up the good work honey, you blow my mind!
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Date: 2006-04-18 07:29 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-04-19 07:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-20 03:08 am (UTC)I did, though, read the whose line story that was on this site that featured and was based on Brokeback...cant member who wrote it, but that was good!
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Date: 2006-04-18 07:30 pm (UTC)