[FIC] Nocturne 3/12

[sungreen70.livejournal.com]

And onward to Chapter 3! As always, dedicated tocaelieth  with bigger than life thanks to my beta,
indybaggins 

Title: Nocturne
Author: Sun Green
Pairing: Colin/Ryan
Rating: R for language, violence and mild sex stuffs.
Summary: It's been almost 20 years since Colin found happiness with Ryan. But the demons of his past continue to haunt him. AU in that the wives don't exist - Colin and Ryan are married to each other.
Disclaimer: Please, if I did own them, you think I'd have all this time on my hands to write fics about 'em?

 

 

 

But the dream didn’t go away, as Colin hoped. Less than a week later, it was back.  Three days after that, it was back again. And then again the very next night. Each time he woke from it, trembling and sobbing, Ryan was there to hold and comfort him. He never complained, but the lack of sleep was clearly taking its toll. The timing was especially unfortunate since Ryan had production meetings for Whose Line scheduled all week, and needed to get up early most mornings to make the hour-long drive to the studio. He arrived home in the evenings exhausted, stumbling blearily around the house before falling into bed. Even then, he didn’t fall asleep right away. Colin could feel Ryan lying awake beside him, listening for signs that he was having his nightmare and ready to stop it before it the worst began if he could. Colin was grateful for Ryan’s protective vigilance and tried, ridiculous as it seemed, to oblige him by falling asleep quickly. If he had to have the damn dream at all, maybe he could at least have it while Ryan was still awake and could get the ritual of soothing him over with early enough to get some sleep himself.

 

Of course, the harder he tried, the longer he stayed awake, dreading what lay in store. Inevitably, Ryan would fall asleep first, and when Colin finally did sleep, the nightmare was waiting – more often than not lately. He too was feeling the effects, but at least with no tapings scheduled he didn’t have anywhere to be most days and could usually catch a nap in the afternoon. For some reason he never dreamed in the daytime hours. Maybe he should think about becoming nocturnal, he’d mused more than once.

 

Colin bolted upright in bed, heart pounding. Then he realized it wasn’t the dream that had awakened him, but the alarm clock blaring from the nightstand. He fumbled for the switch and turned it off with a brief feeling of triumph – he hadn’t dreamed at all last night. That was no small victory lately.

 

Yawing, he peered at the numbers on the clock. 7 AM. Ryan had to go to the studio for another round of meetings. Colin turned his head to see Ryan huddled under the covers. He’d groaned softly at the sound of the alarm but hadn’t moved. Colin nudged his shoulder. “Ry? You awake?”

 

Another groan, followed by Ryan scrunching into an even smaller ball. Colin suppressed a sigh. “Time to get up, Ry…” After a few moments, Ryan’s eyes were open and he was mumbling semi-coherently in response when Colin spoke to him, so Colin got out of bed and headed downstairs.

 

Stumbling into the kitchen, he flipped on the light and squinted against the jarring brightness. His limbs felt leaden as he started the coffee maker and began gathering what he needed to make breakfast. He hoped Ryan hadn’t rolled over and gone back to sleep. The thought of trying to rouse him exhausted Colin even more. Filling a mug with coffee, he sank down at the kitchen table and was relieved to hear Ryan clumping down the stairs.

 

“Morning,” he mumbled over his cup as Ryan entered the kitchen. Ryan grunted his usual “I am not a morning person” grunt in response, rubbing at his eyes as he seized the coffee pot and filled the mug that was already set out for him. Colin looked more closely as he sat opposite him at the table, startled by his appearance. Ryan was pale, with dark rings showing prominently under tired green eyes. “Do you feel all right?”

 

“Mm-hmm.” Ryan gulped his coffee, eyes half closed.

 

Colin continued to study him, absently tracing a fingertip around the rim of his mug. “You sure?”

 

“I’m just tired, Colin,” Ryan said, an edge of irritation in his voice. He looked over his coffee cup and met Colin’s gaze. “I haven’t gotten much sleep lately.” 

 

Colin bristled at the implied accusation. He pushed his chair back and headed for the stove. “Sorry,” he said shortly, over his shoulder. He heard Ryan exhale deeply.

 

“Look, Col,” Ryan said quietly. “I’m getting really worried about you. You can’t go on like this.”

 

Colin sighed. “Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

 

“You know what I want you to do. I want you to get over your hang-ups about therapy and talk to someone.”

 

“My hang-ups?” Colin stared at Ryan. “I think talking to a shrink who doesn’t know anything about me, about something that happened twenty years ago, is a complete waste of time and money. There’re no hang-ups about it.”

 

“How do you know it’s a waste of time unless you try it?” Ryan’s voice was exasperated. “There’s no shame in needing help to work through something like this. Drew said -”

 

Colin spun around and glared at Ryan. “Oh, everyone we know is in on this now? Do you all have meetings to discuss what to do about poor fucked up Colin?”

 

Ryan set his coffee mug down on the table with a loud thunk. “Jesus, Colin – no, I’m not discussing it with everyone we know. This was a long time ago – Drew had been telling me about what he went through with his own therapy after he tried to kill himself. It had nothing to do with you at all. Give me some credit, okay?”

 

Colin was silent, staring at the spatula he was twirling around in his hands.

 

“Anyway,” Ryan continued more quietly, “Drew told me he saw a counselor for about two years, and he said it really helped. Watching you go through this just made me think of it, and I thought it could be good for you too. That’s all.”

 

Colin turned back to the stove. “I’m not talking to a shrink,” he muttered.

 

“All right, Col,” Ryan said wearily. “I can’t force you. I just wish you’d consider it.”

 

Colin sighed. Without answering, he opened a cupboard and pulled out a frying pan. Ryan sighed too, and picked up his empty cup, bringing it over to the sink.

 

“I’m gonna get going,” he told Colin, as he rinsed out his cup. Colin looked up.

 

“You’re not going to eat first?”

 

“I’m not hungry.”

 

Colin shrugged. “Okay then. See you tonight.” He tossed the plastic spatula into the sink.

 

“Yeah.” Ryan paused, then bent his head to kiss Colin lightly on the lips.

 

Colin smiled, feeling his jaw muscles ache with the effort. “Bye.”

 

It wasn’t until Ryan’s car had already pulled out of the driveway that Colin realized that neither of them had said “I love you.” Dejectedly, he put away the breakfast makings he’d taken out. He started to reach for dishwasher detergent, then stopped. Shit, he was tired. Shoving the detergent box back under the sink, he wandered into the living room and dropped heavily on the couch. The remote lay on the arm beside him. He picked it up and idly turned the TV on. Flipping through the channels, he came across a rerun of the British version of Whose Line and paused. He felt a smiling spreading across his face as he looked at the on-screen version of Ryan, sporting an ugly suit jacket and a mullet. The tension drained out of him as he put his feet up and leaned back against the sofa pillows. A few minutes later, lulled by the sound of Ryan’s recorded voice impersonating Flipper, he fell fast asleep.

 

When he woke, the sun was streaming through the living room window, and a Kids in the Hall episode was now running on the TV screen. Pushing the Off button, Colin yawned and stretched. Squinting at the clock on the cable box, he was startled to see that he’d been asleep for nearly four hours. The nap had done him a world of good – he felt a thousand times better than he had earlier that morning. He thought briefly of the cross words exchanged with Ryan and bit his lip, then smiled. He could make it up to him easily enough. Rising from the couch with renewed energy, he headed back into the kitchen to start making a special dinner for Ryan’s return home. They’d follow it up with an even more special dessert…

 

He was almost finished making chili – Ryan’s favorite - when the doorbell rang. Colin wiped his hands on a dishtowel and went to answer it. He opened the door and blinked in surprise at the young man on the steps. “Gavin?” Before he could say anything else, Gavin Sparks grabbed his arm, words tumbling out frantically.

 

“Colin – you have to come with me. It’s Ryan.”

 

Colin’s blood seemed to freeze. “Ryan? What - ?”

 

“He was in a meeting with Dan and Drew, and he just stopped talking, grabbed his chest, and collapsed. They think it’s his heart. Drew went with him in the ambulance. Dan sent me to come and get you. We have to hurry, Colin – they don’t know how bad it is. I’m sorry, man…” Gavin patted Colin’s shoulder, looking directly at him for the first time since they’d known each other.

 

Colin felt faint. His breathing came in harsh, ragged gasps. Ryan… He sagged against the doorjamb and stared dumbly at Gavin, unable to think beyond that one word. Ryan…

 

“Colin – Colin!” Gavin gripped his shoulders. “Come on, man, stay with me. We have to go. Take it easy, I’m gonna get you to Ryan. Come on now.” Slipping an arm around Colin’s waist, he gently tugged him forward. As if acting on their own, his feet started to move, following Gavin down the steps as the younger man pulled the door closed behind them and led Colin to a beat-up car, parked haphazardly across the driveway. “That’s it… easy now… we’re gonna go see Ryan. It’ll be okay. That’s right…” His voice was soft as he guided Colin down the driveway. Numbly, Colin let Gavin ease him into the car and buckle the seatbelt around him, still murmuring to him in that uncharacteristically soothing tone. He couldn’t say anything in return. As Gavin threw the car into reverse and backed down the driveway, he stared blankly through the windshield, seeing only Ryan’s face, pale and tired as it had been a few hours earlier. Ryan… Ryan…

 

As Gavin sped down the highway, Colin jolted out of his daze and groped in his pockets. Coming up empty-handed, he turned to Gavin. “Where’s your cell phone?” he demanded.

 

Gavin looked over with a start. “What?”

 

“Your phone. I need to call Drew… find out what’s going on. And Greg… I have to call Greg.”

 

“I didn’t bring it. I left the studio so fast. We’ll be there in a minute, okay? We’ll know what’s happening in just a minute. Drew’s there with him now, and we’ll call Greg from the hospital. Just take it easy, Colin, it’s gonna be okay.” Gavin reached across the seats briefly and patted Colin’s trembling hands. His whole body was shaking now, Colin realized, finally alert enough to be aware of it. Drawing in a deep breath, he stared out the car window, grasping at the ring on his left hand.

 

I’m coming, Ryan, he thought. Hang on, baby. Don’t even think about leaving me… Tears filled his eyes, blurring his vision. Blinking them away, he suddenly jerked his head up.

 

“You missed the exit!”

 

Gavin shook his head, understanding immediately. “He’s not at Memorial. They took him to another hospital, where there’s a cardiac specialist. It’s just a few more miles.”

 

Through his grief and fear, Colin tried to remember another hospital in the area. “What hospital?”

 

Gavin turned his attention back to driving. “I don’t know the name. But I know how to get there. Dan told me it’s right off the exit, a couple miles up. Just sit tight – we’re almost there.”

 

Colin struggled to slow his rapid breaths. He closed his eyes, picturing Ryan’s face, and concentrated. There were times when he swore he could feel Ryan’s emotions. It was that “psychic connection” of theirs that seemed to enable them to read each other’s minds onstage and off. He’d always assumed he would know if Ryan was ever in danger. He reached out with his mind, trying to feel him. Was he frightened? In pain? He couldn’t sense anything. He didn’t know if that was a good or bad sign.

 

He opened his eyes, realizing several minutes had passed since Gavin had told him they were almost to the hospital. “Where - ” he began, just as Gavin flipped the blinker on and took the off ramp, turning onto a local street. Colin looked around for a hospital but didn’t see any signs of one. In fact, all the buildings they were passing were houses, or small businesses like nail salons and video rental stores. “Where’s the hospital?”

 

Gavin looked straight ahead through the windshield. “Almost there.” 

 

“There’s no hospital anywhere near here!” Colin turned on Gavin. “Do you have any idea where the hell you are? Pull over and let’s ask someone for directions.”

 

“I know exactly where we are. Don’t worry.”

 

“Then where are we?” Colin demanded. “Goddamn it, Gavin - ”

 

“Easy, Colin.” Gavin’s voice was quiet.

 

“Don’t ‘easy Colin’ me! I said pull over, damn it! You don’t know what the hell you’re doing.” Colin’s fear had turned to anger. Every second that Gavin drove around this neighborhood was another second away from Ryan. He pounded his fist against the seat. “Pull over!”

 

Suddenly, Gavin swerved to the curb, stepping on the brake so hard that Colin jerked forward, the seat belt snapping him back before he hit the dashboard. He turned on him, his face contorted with such rage that Colin drew back in alarm.

 

“Shut up!” he yelled, right into Colin’s startled face. 

 

Shaken as he was by Gavin’s outburst, Colin still had only one thought. “What the hell is going on?” he demanded. “Where are we? And where’s Ryan?”

 

Gavin had turned away and was breathing hard, gripping the steering wheel tightly. He was obviously trying to compose himself. “Colin, just relax. I told you I know where I’m going.”

 

Colin shook his head. “Forget it. I’m going to get out and call Drew.” He reached for the door handle just as Gavin jerked the car out onto the street again, slamming his foot down on the gas with enough force to throw Colin back in his seat. “What are you doing?” he demanded.

 

Gavin’s reply came through gritted teeth. “If you say one more word, I swear…” His voice trailed off, but a sideways glance at his face sent a chill down Colin’s spine. Something was very wrong. Not with Ryan – he was beginning to feel certain that Ryan was safe. But his relief was overshadowed by increasing signs that he himself was not.

 

Falling silent, Colin sat stiff and tense in his seat as Gavin drove another few blocks. When he turned the car into the driveway of a small, single story house, he found his voice again. “Where are we?” he asked shakily.

 

Gavin turned to look at him, a small smile on his face now. “My house.”

 

Colin shook his head, trying to make sense of this. “What’s going on? Why…”

 

“You and I have a few things to talk about, Colin,” Gavin said. “In private.”

 

“Talk about? What… why?” Colin sputtered. He let out an exasperated breath. “I don’t know what kind of bullshit you’re trying to pull, but when I tell Ryan – when I tell Dan – your ass is fired, kiddo.”

 

Gavin was eyeing him with an oddly amused expression on his face. “Yeah? How are you gonna get that message across to them?”

 

Colin snorted and reached for the door handle. “Don’t worry. I can walk back to town.” The door was locked. He fumbled for the switch, but it didn’t work. He felt his temper near the breaking point. Fucking piece of crap car. “Open the goddamn door,” he snapped at the younger man. When Gavin didn’t move, he turned on him furiously. “I swear, I’m gonna - ”

 

“No, you won’t. You’re not the one making the rules here.” Watching Colin’s face intently, Gavin slid his hand into a tear in the upholstery beside him and drew something out from among the springs. Colin’s eyes widened and the sickening terror of his nightmare washed over him as the gun came into view.

 

Don’t… you don’t want to do this…

 

“I’m going to get out of the car now, Colin,” Gavin said quietly, interrupting his reverie. “You’re not going to move. I’m going to come around to your side and open the door. Both locks are broken,” he added, as Colin’s eyes slid automatically back to the handle below his shoulder. “Neither door will open from the inside. So don’t try it – you might get hurt.”

With that, Gavin reached slowly behind him and opened his door, keeping his gaze locked with Colin’s until he had slid too far away to make eye contact. Colin sat frozen as the younger man slammed the door and walked around to the passenger side, pulling the door open.

 

“Get out.” Gavin’s voice was still quiet and steady. “And don’t make any noise.” He held the gun where Colin could see it.

 

The other man’s eyes stared back at him, wide and dark with fear...

 

Numbly, he slid out of the car. With a shove in the right direction from Gavin, his feet carried him automatically towards the house. His head was spinning.

 

That instant of earsplitting noise and the acrid smell of burnt gunpowder…

 

When they reached the front door, Gavin removed a ring of keys from his pocket and unlocked it. With another rough shove, he pushed Colin forward over the threshold, slamming the door behind them. “Straight ahead,” he commanded, his voice still low and steady. Numbly, Colin walked forward, stopping at another door that had a flimsy hook and eye latch at the top, and what appeared to be a newly installed brass lock above the tarnished doorknob. Gavin found another key on the ring and unlocked it. He opened the door, revealing a flight of stairs leading to what was obviously the basement. Though he was clearly expected to walk down, Colin paused, and gathered his wits enough to speak.

 

“What is it you want from me, Gavin?”

 

The young man stared at him, his eyes filled with such hatred that Colin swallowed hard.

 

“I don’t want anything from you, Colin. That’s not why you’re here.”

 

Colin peeked down at the gun. It was still clutched in Gavin’s hand, held at the ready.

“Why am I here?”

 

 “Because you need to pay for what you did.”

 

“What I did?”

 

“You ruined my life.”

 

Colin looked back at Gavin in confusion. And then he saw it. The years fell away, and suddenly Colin was twenty five years old, gazing upon a familiar face. He blinked.

 

“Nick?” he whispered incredulously.

 

His sudden loss of concentration gave the other man an advantage. As Colin stared at him, trancelike, Gavin put out his free hand and shoved against Colin’s chest. Caught off guard, Colin fell backwards, and tumbled wildly down the entire flight of stairs, banging his head against several of the steps along the way. The sounds of skull meeting concrete reverberated in his brain like thunder, while blinding flashes of lightning made it impossible to see where the staircase ended and anticipate where his body would come to rest with a sickening thud.  

 

Colin had always heard that one’s life flashed before their eyes in the final moments before dying. Now, however, his only thought before blackness overcame him was a single word.

 

Ryan…

 

 

******

 

“Ryan!”

 

Dan’s voice held a stern note, much like a school teacher who’s caught a student goofing off during class. Ryan jumped, startled. He’d been staring down at the polished mahogany top of the enormous conference table for the last several minutes, idly twisting the gold band on his ring finger. He’d felt strangely disconcerted since the meeting began, and couldn’t figure out why.

 

“What?” His voice sounded cranky to his own ears. He saw one of the ABC suits raise an eyebrow and exchange a look with the other one.

 

Christ, Dan even looked like Ryan’s prissy fifth grade teacher when he pinned him with that glare. “Do you agree?”

 

He had no idea what anyone had said in the last ten minutes. Over Dan’s shoulder, he saw Drew nodding his head vigorously.

 

“…yeah.”

 

Dan looked mollified, and glanced back down at the notes he’d been writing in an expensive leather bound notebook. (The plain yellow legal pads that Ryan and Drew grabbed from the supply cabinet on their way into these meetings and filled with more obscene drawings than notes wouldn’t do for Dan.) He began yammering away again, and Ryan started to tune out. He caught Drew’s questioning glance and smiled apologetically, then dropped his eyes before the other man could try to communicate with him further. That uneasy feeling was nagging at him.

 

It was the exchange with Colin that morning that was bothering him, he decided. Arguing with Colin always upset him. And he was ashamed of his bitchy comment about his lack of sleep. He cringed inwardly, remembering how Colin’s face had fallen at his sharp words. Ryan knew Colin already felt guilty, and if he hadn’t been so tired and crabby from having to get up so fucking early just to be here with Dan and these other ABC buffoons, he never would’ve said anything. Hell, he would gladly give up sleeping for the rest of his life if holding Colin after a nightmare made him feel safe. And if Colin didn’t want to relive painful memories in therapy, then he would stop pressing the issue. Ryan could take care of him.

 

Well, at least he’d apologized for snapping at him. Or – had he? He bit his lip. Now that he thought of it, he hadn’t. That was why he felt so out of sorts. Well, as soon as this lame-ass meeting was over, he’d call home. I’m sorry. I love you. He’d say that the moment Colin picked up the phone. Then when he got home, he’d make it up to him…

 

Leaning back in his chair, Ryan fixed his gaze on a spot right between the eyes of the network suit who was now droning on about something, and tried to appear to be paying attention by alternately nodding and smiling, and nodding and looking thoughtful.

 

As soon as the meeting ended, he was on his feet, the first one out the door as he fumbled in his pocket for his cell phone. He was hurrying down the corridor in search of a quiet place to call Colin when Drew caught up to him.

 

“Everything okay, buddy?” he asked, panting a little from the exertion.

 

Ryan nodded, flipping his phone open. “Yeah. Just have to call Colin.”

 

“No time now.” Drew jerked his head down the hall, where Dan and the two network execs were moving into another room.

 

“Huh? Why?” Ryan paused, looking at Drew in confusion.

 

Drew chuckled. “You really were out of it in there. We have another meeting, with Wayne’s manager. He wants more money. Again.” He rolled his eyes.

 

“Shit.”

 

“Yeah, no kidding. We really oughta think about dropping him, give Greg a permanent seat. Not that Dan would ever go for it.”

 

But it wasn’t the thought of yet another round of negotiations with the third chair player’s people that bothered Ryan. Calling Colin to ask his forgiveness would have to wait. He’d pushed Dan close enough to his limits for one day. Sighing, he slipped his phone back into his pocket without dialing and followed Drew into another conference room. Dropping noisily into a seat – which earned him the evil eye from Dan yet again – he willed himself to concentrate, and tried to shake the persistent feeling that something was wrong.

.