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[athinfacade.livejournal.com]

Title: A Place Where We Belong. Part Eleven of ?
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: PG
Summary: Pat gets there.
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with WL, I don't own or know Ry/Col, this is purely fiction, I make no profits. I own "Ron", but nobody's gonna want to steal him, anyway.
Notes: The "umbrella" title, A Place Where We Belong, is from an Air Supply song of the same name (don't own them, either). Listening to them reminds me of R/C. Don't ask. :)

Ryan had really meant to talk to Colin before Pat arrived at 10:30 that morning. Somehow, though, while he’d been deciding what to say, the morning had gotten away from him in a similar fashion to the last day and a half. Now he was in the kitchen, listening to the clock ticking away the sixty seconds that was 10:30. Maybe Pat wouldn’t show up. Ryan’s leg shook incessantly, his hands fidgeted on the table. He watched Colin pouring coffee. His own coffee had been sitting in front of him for almost an hour and was now cold and still untouched.
“Hey, Col?” Ryan began.
“Yeah?” There was a knock at the door. Colin turned. “I’ll get it.”
“Wait…” Ryan said, standing up from his chair. Colin stopped, cocking his head and smiling.
“Ryan, I have to get the door,” Colin replied. He walked past Ryan and disappeared into the front hallway. Ryan slumped back down into his seat, defeated, sighing. He heard the voices drift from the hall.
“Pat? Hi! What’s going on?” Colin, so unsuspecting. Ryan put his face in his hands.
“Hey, Colin! Listen, thanks so much for letting Ryan stay here. I’m sorry I have to rush him out the door so early today, but we have to get the plane. It leaves at noon and you know all the security…” Pat, explaining. Ryan stood up, knees weaker than water.
“Huh?” Came Colin’s baffled response. Ryan rounded the corner, looking down the hallway to see Colin’s head cocked to the side again, confused. Colin turned, his eyes meeting Ryan’s. Pat stepped over the threshold.
“Hi, sweetie. You all set?” She smiled.
Ryan opened his mouth, and no sound came out. Not a squeak or a whisper. He tried to swallow, and found that his mouth was completely dry. He wondered if he was going to choke.
“Where are you going?” Colin’s voice was strained, a little high pitched.
“Oh, Ryan, how could you forget to tell Colin we were leaving today?” Pat admonished him. Ryan just stood there, mute. Pat’s hand was on Colin’s arm and Colin turned to her. “I’m sorry, Colin. He just has a lot on his mind. We weren’t going to leave until next week, but I moved the flight up. I should have called you myself. Listen, I didn’t know I was going to take you by surprise like this. I’ll go wait in the car, OK? Hey, it’s a rental so I might as well get my money’s worth. Just send Ryan out when you’re ready. Make sure he gets there, alright?” Pat smiled, leaning in to kiss Colin on the cheek before turning and going out to the car.
Ryan’s Adam’s Apple bobbed repeatedly in his throat as he swallowed over and over, trying to work up enough moisture so that he could speak. Colin was staring at him, a look on his face that Ryan had never seen before and would have happily agreed to never have to see again. He couldn’t have described the look, except to say that it was one of such profound pain that there was no real description.
“Colin…” Finally Ryan had a voice again. He moved towards Colin. “I…when I went to the hotel…I went there to break up with Pat. I went to the hotel and I…I knew what I had to do…and I just…I froze up, Colin. I wanted to break it off but I just couldn’t do it…I mean, we’ve been married for so long…Col…it’s hard to just walk away. And…and my kids, you know? My kids. I mean, I…I need to see my kids, Col. I…I’m just still…I’m still confused and I need…I think I need some time to settle things on that end first. I’m not saying…I’m not saying I’m not in love with you. It’s just that I…haven’t told Pat.”
Ryan was barely a foot from Colin now, looking down into the man’s eyes. He waited for Colin to speak, but the other man was silent. “Please say something. You not saying anything is so much worse,” Ryan’s voice was cracking.
Colin was too busy to talk. He was too busy telling himself that this was not happening. Colin was busy telling himself that Ryan wasn’t leaving him. He was telling himself that he wasn’t going to break down and cry in front of Ryan. After finally having what he’d wanted to have for so long with the person he’d most wanted to have it with…having it taken away seemed beyond cruel. With chagrin Colin felt the stinging of tears filling up his eyes. He began to blink rapidly, trying to hold them back, but they filled up his eyes so fast that he couldn’t keep them from falling. Ryan moved to hug him. Colin was then able to speak.
“Don’t!” Colin protested. He dodged Ryan’s arms, taking a step back. He was against the wall. “Are you really leaving?”
Ryan nodded. “Yeah. I have to leave.”
Colin just looked at Ryan standing there in front of him. He felt an irrational rage at Ryan for being dry-eyed. He wanted to yell, but his voice had somehow been reduced to a waver.
“Are you coming back? Just tell me yes or no.”
Ryan was shifting his weight from foot to foot. “I can’t tell you yes or no. I want to come back, Colin. It’s not that I want to leave. I just…I have to. You don’t understand.”
“Oh, you’re right about that. I don’t understand. I just wish…I wish you would’ve told me two days ago.”
“I wanted to tell you.”
“This would almost be a little better if I didn’t feel so stupid, Ryan. Everything else aside.”
“I know,” Ryan whispered. “I know I shouldn’t have made…I know I shouldn’t have led you on…but I meant it when I called it making love.”
Colin swiped his fingers across his eyes. It was like Ryan didn’t know any better. Colin wished that was enough to make this forgivable. But he wasn’t so sure, because he’d been there. He’d been the confessor, having to tell Deb things that he didn’t want to tell her. He had a kid, too. He’d still done it.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan’s voice pleaded.
“I’m much more sorry than you could possibly be, Ryan,” Colin replied. “What happened to not being able to live a lie? I thought you were done pretending.” His whole face felt hot. He could feel a shuddering deep inside of him, his diaphragm starting to contract in the beginnings of hysteria. He was going to lose it. He knew he was going to sob, and he didn’t want Ryan to be there. Ryan with his cold comfort.
“Colin, I’m so in love with you…I know you don’t believe that right now…and I don’t want to lie anymore but I just have to for a little while. Then when I get back to California…you know, on my own turf, I can talk to Pat about all this.”
Colin shook his head. “If you need Pat to come in and help you get your stuff together, that’s fine. I can’t finish this conversation right now.”
Colin moved to go around Ryan and Ryan tried to block him, reaching for Colin’s shoulders. “Please! Please, Colin, tell me we’re still friends…please give me a chance to do this…” Ryan was begging, his eyes filling with tears. Colin ducked away from his grasp and moved past him towards the stairs.
****
It took little time before the house was quiet. Colin couldn’t believe that Ryan had actually left. Then he felt even more stupid for thinking that Ryan would suddenly turn around and declare his love for Colin and tell Pat that he wasn’t going with her. Ryan had called to him through his closed bedroom door, but Colin hadn’t answered. Maybe he should’ve, but he just couldn’t at the time. He was irrationally angry at Ryan for bringing Pat back into the house to help him get all of his things together. He had told Ryan to do as much, but he was still mad at him for doing it, and he was mad that he had to hear such conversations as Pat asking:
“Where did Colin go?”
Then Ryan replying, “He hasn’t been feeling well, so he went to lay down. He said he was sorry for not seeing us off. We shouldn’t bother him.”
Colin wandered through the house, picking things up randomly, acting like he was cleaning, but he really didn’t care. He was berating himself for not figuring that this would happen. Ryan had been so confused about his feelings, and that had been so obvious. Colin knew he never should have counted on Ryan being around for very long. But he’d somehow had these fantasies of Ryan actually staying, talking about his feelings to Colin, of the two of them working things out together. Isn’t that what people did who loved each other? Colin alternated between devastated and enraged. He thought, well, this all comes back to Ryan’s selfishness. He remembered what he’d been mad at Ryan for before Ryan had shown up at his house. He was being selfish, as usual, Colin thought, and nothing’s changed since then.
He remembered his thought from yesterday about how Ryan could turn most situations to his advantage. God, he’s so manipulative, Colin thought, shaking his head.
Something caught Colin’s eye as he wandered aimlessly into the guest bedroom. He approached the dresser, where this shiny object glistened. Ryan’s wedding band. Colin picked it up. In the haste of his exit, Ryan had left it. Why would he take it off? Colin wondered. Then he shrugged. Probably to shower or something mundane like that. Colin turned the ring around between his fingers. It had the date of Ryan’s anniversary inscribed on the inner part of the band. Colin grimaced at the ring as he made his way down the hall. I should just throw this in the garbage, he thought. I should toss it and then pretend I’d never even seen it. Colin thought about what the band represented. He held it over the garbage pail in the bathroom. This is how quickly something so important can just be thrown away, he thought. But he didn’t throw it away. He turned it over and over between his fingers, watching it shine. Ryan’s fingers were long and thin, and his wedding band didn’t fit on Colin’s ring finger, but it slid easily onto his pinkie. Colin looked at the ring against his skin. For as much time and love as this ring represents, Colin thought, a ring exactly like this could represent Ryan’s friendship with me. He felt tears coming to his eyes all over again as he wandered into his room and flopped down onto the unmade bed. Much to his chagrin, Colin began to berate himself for getting so upset about the whole thing. I can’t compete with all those years of marriage, he thought. Besides, how long ago did he say he loved me? A couple of days ago. Big deal. Still, he thought, Ryan made love to me. Colin shook his head again, glancing down at the ring and wondering whether Ryan even realized what he’d done. Most of Colin’s rage had dissipated. Even without Ryan there to diffuse his anger, Colin still had a hard time maintaining ire towards the man. Now, he was just sad and puzzled, wearing a symbol of love that didn’t even belong to him.

TBC

I had a helluva time with this chapter. I wrote it, read it, rewrote it, reread it, kept deleting and adding things. Still I'm not sure how much I like it or not in terms of how it's written. Constructive criticism and feedback is always much appreciated. :)