[FIC] Rose Colored Glasses 5/7

[clayangel.livejournal.com]

Title: Rose Colored Glasses
Author: Clay
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: R
Summary: Vacations should be a time for relaxation, a chance to escape the real world and just have fun, but Colin is quickly coming to find that there’s no escaping fate.
Author’s Notes: I just want to say how much I appreciate everyone’s comments, even if I’m kind of sucky at replying to them. Especially for that last chapter. I think those are the best comments I’ve ever received for any story, and I hope the rest of this lives up to your expectations. Also, randomly, chapter four was the last chapter that ends with people going to sleep. Now I’m going to say the chapters end at midnight, meaning that each chapter is still a subsequent day.




The first thing Colin became aware of was a breeze that tasted like salt skimming over his skin, raising goose bumps in its wake. Where the Hell was that damned blanket?

He opened his eyes slowly. The pink light of dawn colored the sky over the ocean. The thin grey clouds of the previous evening had filled out and multiplied. They hung low in the sky, darkening toward the horizon. Rain was imminent.

But all of this was merely a backdrop to more pressing issues, like the man lying beneath him.

Colin lifted his head to look down into Ryan’s face. Ryan lay back in the sand, breathing peacefully, still sleeping. He looked so natural lying there on the beach, as though this was where he made his bed every night. Colin supposed it had a lot to do with the improv, acclimating to different surroundings at a moment’s notice. It didn’t matter that they weren’t on stage; it was in his blood.

Even though he was still in Ryan’s arms, Colin found last night seemed more a wonderful dream. Had Ryan really told Colin he was in love with him?

Perhaps not in so many words, but yes, he had. And he’d said much, much more, that he’d been in love with him for years, and that he’d gone so far as to factor actual sex into his fantasies.

Colin thought that hearing Ryan say as much would put him in a near catatonic state of shock. After all, he’d really only admitted to the extent of his own feelings last night, but on the contrary he felt quite comfortable with the realization. It was the natural progression of things. They’d both been living with this secret for years. Finally speaking it aloud and consequently acting on it was just one more step in a lifetime of love and friendship, years of teetering on the edge of a platonic sort of “in love” where the idea of sex was a constant blip in the back of their minds, always pushed away and forgotten, however, in lieu of keeping the best friend either would ever have.

What was unnatural was the imminent regression, the step back toward “just friends” that had to happen. Colin wanted nothing more that to awaken Ryan with a slow, lingering kiss, but they’d decided that last night would have to be a one time deal. Even if Colin would soon be free, Ryan was married, and the idea of becoming lovers would have to remain just that: an idea, a dream locked away for all time.

So Colin didn’t let himself kiss Ryan, but he couldn’t help trailing his hand along the other man’s jaw, delighting in the feel of stubble beneath his palm. His fingers detoured of their own accord to trace Ryan’s lips with feather light touches.

Ryan’s eyelids fluttered open at the contact, and Colin pulled his hand back, otherwise staying put with his head pillowed on Ryan’s chest. He watched as Ryan blinked slowly up at the sky, taking his time to remember exactly where he was and who he was with. When he did remember, he smiled and tilted his head down to meet Colin’s eyes.

“Good morning.”

Colin grinned back. “Morning.”

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Ryan groaned, flopping his head back into the sand, still smiling.

“I bet I’m absolutely covered in sand.”

“Mm.” It was a soft sound of acknowledgment, gently hummed into Ryan’s shirt. They should have been getting up and getting back to the yacht, but Ryan was so warm, so nice beneath him. Still, they had to get back eventually, and truth be told, the sooner the better. The guests had the option to stay at the island’s hotel for the evening with the stipulation that they be back on the ship by noon to begin the return trip.

Pat and Deb would have stayed in the hotel, so now was the perfect time to head back to their cabins to shower and change.

Colin chuckled as something occurred to him. “I seem to be making a habit of sleeping in my clothes.”

Ryan laughed along with him, unconsciously threading his fingers through the hair at the back of Colin’s head. “I think it’s cute. I like you all rumpled.”

And even if Ryan’s words warmed Colin to the core and only made him love the man more, they also threatened to destroy the last of Colin’s willpower. He found his mind slipping to his shower and the prospect of Ryan joining him, and that was not good.

Reluctantly, Colin pulled himself up and away from Ryan, scooting back on hands and knees and feeling immediately chilled at the loss of contact.

“We should get back,” he whispered.

But Ryan just stretched and closed his eyes. “Or we could stay here and do improv at the hotel for tourists.”

“Ryan... come on...” Colin said, ignoring the fact that it sounded like wonderful idea. “I want to get a few hours sleep on a real bed.”

Ryan opened his eyes, slowly turning to face Colin again. “Do you want to stay in my room?” The real question, what he wasn’t asking was, “Can we go back to sleeping together?”

And that was an absolutely horrid idea, but it sounded so, so good. Still, Colin had to fight and find his fading rationale.

“Pat will find us.”

Ryan shrugged, incredibly amusing as he was still lying flat on his back. “They found us napping that first day and didn’t think anything of it.”

“But they’ll think we spent the whole night together.”

Ryan smiled. “We did,” he said, but as Colin continued to frown at him, the smile dropped and Ryan lifted himself to his feet. “Look, they probably think it already. You were upset, so I stayed with you because I’m your friend. That’s all.”

He had a point. Not a great one, but in Colin’s mind it was all he needed. “I liked sleeping with you,” he said very quietly. He could feel the beginnings of blush touch his cheeks.

Ryan laughed, but it wasn’t mocking or malicious. It was strung through with a muted, though unmistakably joyous tone. “Me too,” he whispered back, and then held a hand out to help Colin to his feet.


Thankfully it really was too early for their wives to have yet returned. Colin went to his room to shower, shave and change and fifteen minutes later was standing in front of Ryan’s door, hand hovering just before the painted white wood uncertainly.

In the short time they’d been apart, the rational part of Colin’s mind had kicked back into gear. Logic told him he should stay in his room and avoid Ryan until they were both thinking clearly, but yet here he was, his feet having taken him to Ryan anyway. He could still back out.

Just then the door swung in and Colin found a smiling Ryan looking out at him.

“Chickening out?” he asked.

Colin smiled, his eyes dropping toward the floorboards. “Thinking about it,” he admitted.

“Get in here,” Ryan chided, still smiling.

Colin would have preferred to lie down and go directly to sleep, but it just wasn’t their way. They lay facing each other in Ryan’s bed, each wishing he had something to say beside the obvious, but after a few minutes, Colin realized that nothing else was going to come to mind and finally said, “So last night...”

“What about it?”

Good question. Colin stared down at the comforter beneath them, tracing the stitching with his eyes. “We’re just going to forget it ever happened, right?”

“Is that what you want?”

“Well... don’t you think we should?”

“Should we?”

Colin looked up at Ryan, frustrated at the lack of answers, but amused all the same, feeling not unlike they were playing a bad game of Questions Only. Ryan was looking back at him, however, with all traces of humor gone. He lifted a hand to trail his fingers down Colin’s arm.

“I can’t forget,” Ryan said after a moment. “I don’t want to. You’re right, and we should...” He closed his eyes, swallowing, his throat working in a way that had Colin transfixed. “And none of it matters because nothing can ever happen, but I can’t forget.”

“Good.” Colin said, his voice coming out low and oddly rough. He smiled and pulled Ryan to him, laying his cheek against the soft material covering Ryan’s chest. “Neither can I.”


Colin half awoke to the sounds of soft conversation. Somewhere in the back of his mind he recognized it as Ryan talking to Pat, but Ryan’s arms were still around him, and Colin couldn’t bring himself to care about anything else. He breathed in Ryan’s scent deeply and drifted back to sleep.


The next time Colin woke, he was alone. He blinked the early afternoon sun out of his eyes and stretched languidly. The blanket beside him was still warm. There was the muffled sound of a toilet flushing, and then Ryan emerged from the bathroom. He smiled when he was saw Colin gazing at him sleepily and moved to sit next to him on the bed.

“Ready to wake up?”

Colin smiled drowsily up at him, and Ryan returned the grin. He reached out to caress Colin’s cheek. “Come on,” he urged gently. “We’re going to go swimming.”

Colin frowned and stuck his tongue out. “You know I’m not going to swim.”

“I know,” Ryan said, “but I want you to come with me anyway.”

They both knew that Colin’s vague protest was perfunctory. Colin would go. He’d follow Ryan anywhere. Ryan collected his swim trunks, and together they adjourned to Colin’s room so he could do the same.

As they were dressing, Colin asked, “So what did Pat have to say?”

Ryan shrugged. “She wanted to know if you were okay. I said you were.” He paused, rubbing suntan lotion over his forearms. “We’re having dinner with them tonight.”

Colin wasn’t surprised. “Is Deb still upset?”

“I didn’t ask.” Ryan was quite another moment. He looked to Colin seriously. “Are you okay seeing her?”

“I suppose,” Colin said after a moment. “The divorce was my decision after all.”

Ryan still didn’t look convinced. “You’re sure? Because I could get of out of it if you want.”

It did sound tempting, but Colin shook his head and smiled. “Really. I’m fine,” he said. He had to turn away as he added, “Besides, you should spend some time with your wife.”

Ryan didn’t reply.


As soon as they stepped outside, the jovial mood was back. The day was generally overcast, with the sun fighting to peek out through thick grey clouds, but it was warm, and the pool was still crowded.

Colin picked out a deck chair and settled down to read while Ryan swam. Every so often he would find himself distracted, watching the other man, his long, lean body cutting through the water with ease. Ryan caught him watching now and again and smiled in return.

They hadn’t really spoken about last night, not in any sort of detail, and even now it seemed little more than a stumbling fantasy. It had all been so surreal in the moonlight with Ryan’s half spoken confession. It didn’t seem real, and Colin knew that even that scant memory would fade with time. He dared to hope that he would be able to cling to bits and pieces of it when life went back to “normal,” once they were off the boat and away from each other again.

He didn’t want to forget, but at the same time it seemed the most reasonable thing to do if he planned on keeping his sanity while spending his nights alone, and Ryan remained warm in his bed with Pat.

Ryan...

He was climbing out of the pool now looking far more beautiful than a man is meant to. Water trailed down his body and left small, foot shaped puddles in his wake as he made his way back to Colin.

Ryan paused for half a second once he’d reached Colin’s chair, and then, very slowly, he leaned down and kissed him.

It was like he was still dreaming. It seemed so natural that Colin simply tilted his head up to meet Ryan’s lips, returning the chaste kiss as though they’d always done this.

Only when Ryan pulled back and then scooted Colin over to make room for himself on the chair did Colin have a mind to question it. “Why did you do that?” he asked, almost a whisper.

“Those girls,” Ryan responded. He tilted his head slightly, and Colin looked past him to see the women they’d met pool side a few days earlier watching them. “They think we’re a couple, remember?”

Colin couldn’t meet Ryan’s eyes. “I remember.” He swallowed. “Do you think it’s a good idea?”

Ryan laughed and the sound reverberated through him, tickling Colin were they touched, cuddled so close on the small chair. “Kissing you is always a good idea.”

“But...” And Colin knew he had an argument in there somewhere, something about wives and secrets and dreams, but Ryan was tilting his face toward him, fingers gentle on his chin.

“Tell yourself it’s a game,” Ryan said, very quiet and very serious. His eyes were dark.

Colin looked back at him. “I don’t want it to be a game.”

Ryan smiled slightly. “Then do it because you love me.”

And that was all the arguing Colin was prepared to do. He lifted both hand to cradle Ryan’s jaw, pulling him down for another kiss. This one was slow, intimate, with tongues entwining and Ryan’s arms going around his waist to draw him in close. It brought Colin immediately back to the beach, Ryan warm and pliant above him, holding him, his whispered words, ”You taste so good...”

Colin let out a whimper, feeling immediately ashamed at the girlish sound, but also too far gone to care. They shouldn’t be doing this. It was so good, and if they kept up, he didn’t know how he’d go on without Ryan.

“Wait. Stop.” It was a struggle to make himself pull away from those beautiful lips, and even harder to stay away when he met Ryan’s eyes and saw the love and desire they held.

“Do we have to?” It was said with a slight upturn of the lips, a weak attempt at hiding the pleading tone trailing the question.

Despite himself, Colin reached up to kiss Ryan again, a quick peck. “If we don’t stop now, I won’t be able to.”

“I can live with that.”

Oh, that was definitely what Colin wanted to hear, but he shook his head, closing his eyes, blocking out Ryan, blocking out temptation. “Someone will see.”

Ryan laughed. “I think they already have.”

Colin swallowed. “Pat will see.”

“Maybe,” Ryan agreed, running his fingers along Colin’s collar. “We’ll just tell her the truth.”

Suddenly a new voice broke in with, “And that would be?”

Colin stilled. He could feel Ryan’s hand on his neck, not moving, tense against his skin. He opened his eyes slowly, but he didn’t dare look at the newcomer. He didn’t have to. He recognized the voice as clearly as one would a beloved friend or a loathed enemy. Instead he watched Ryan. Their eyes locked, and Colin could see his friend thinking fast.

Ryan blinked, and in the half of a second that passed something changed. When Ryan smiled and turned to face his wife now he was acting, playing a role. Colin doubted Pat would see it, but he had seen Ryan switch into one character or another a thousand times over the past twenty five years. She hadn’t.

“We’re messing with a couple of girls,” Ryan said, turning smoothly toward Pat, the half truth rolling off his tongue as though it were that simple. “We told them we were gay to keep them from flirting with us. It’s just for fun.”

Pat wasn’t convinced. Colin had yet to look at her, but he didn’t need to. He got all the information he needed from every minute change in Ryan’s expression.

“This is how rumors start,” Pat said. She wasn’t happy.

Ryan chuckled, and he finally removed his hand from Colin’s collar. “Rumors don’t bother us. We don’t pay attention to them.”

“But you don’t need to help them,” Pat said. She sounded pained now. Colin could hear the words she wasn’t saying: “They bother me.”

“Honey...” Ryan said. He lifted himself from the chair, pulled away, leaving Colin cold and alone, to wrap Pat in a loose embrace. “Don’t be upset.”

Colin really couldn’t look at them now. He sprang to his feet, eyes averted. “I’m going to go,” he said as he gathered up his book and few other possessions he’d thought to bring along.

“You don’t have to,” Ryan argued.

“I do.” Colin looked very, very briefly to Ryan, hoping the truth of those two words showed as clearly as he felt them. “You two should spend some time together,” he added, looking away once more,

If either Ryan or Pat had a reply to that, Colin didn’t stick around to hear it. He fled. He had no idea where he would go, only that he couldn’t stand to be around them for one more second. Thoughtlessly, he passed by the two girls in his haste. Their words haunted him as he hurried away.

“I knew they weren’t really a couple.”


It finally started to rain as Colin wandered the decks. He had gone back to his room to drop off his things and then immediately left. Despite what he’d said to Ryan earlier, he wasn’t quite sure he was ready to face Deb. In his current state of mind he wasn’t sure how he’d react to her, and he still didn’t know how she was feeling toward him. Pat had said she was upset, but there was a good chance that sadness would have translated into anger by now, and Colin knew he was in no shape to win a fight.

And remembering Pat wasn’t helping.

Colin paused in his circuit of the ship to look out over the railing. It was nearly pouring, but he was already soaked to the bone, so standing in the rain would make little difference. Besides, he was suddenly too tired to continue.

He’d always been jealous of Pat, even if he never let himself dwell on it before, but now... now it was almost overwhelming. He had never known what he was missing before, just disliked the fact that she had staked her claim on Ryan, kept them apart as it were. Now there was far more to it. Not only did she take up Ryan’s time, but she got his touches, his kisses. Had Colin not gotten a taste of the man it never would have been an issue, but he had, and he knew he’d not be satisfied with just the bit of Ryan allocated to him.

He wanted all of him.

And that was precisely what he shouldn’t be thinking.

Ryan’s actions were saying otherwise, as was Colin’s heart, but they had decided that remaining solely friends was the best course of action. And it was. He knew it was, but that didn’t make it any easier.


When Colin showed up for dinner, he was still wet, not quite dripping though his clothes shone with water. Not only that, but he was still wearing the t-shirt and jeans he’d donned after waking.

There wasn’t a man in the dining room wearing anything less than khakis and a presentable shirt. As Colin sought out and then joined the table inhabited by Deb, Ryan, Pat and a few others, he felt he should have been ashamed of his appearance. Deb was, if the scowl she aimed his way was any indication, but he wasn’t. He couldn’t be, not when Ryan was smiling at him so beautifully.

But no one said a single word as he claimed his usual seat between Deb and Pat. Almost everyone at the table was gawking at him with an expression along the scale of disparaging to downright horrified. Everyone but Ryan. Ryan, it seemed, was trying very hard to control his laughter. He wore a very tight smile, his eyes crinkled at the corners, and it was that look that gave Colin strength.

“So,” Colin said when nearly a minute passed in absolute silence, “have we ordered yet?”

“What the Hell happened to you?” Ryan finally burst out, his barely contained laughter seeping into the words.

Colin shrugged innocently. “I went for a walk.”

“A walk?” Ryan chuckled, shaking his head.

And even though the women remained quiet, this seemed a cue for the men to begin talking. Conversation flew between them, jokes and stories, emboldened by Colin’s appearance. With each inappropriate tale, the women grew yet more sullen, but Colin finally felt like he belonged. He joined in the conversation, feeling not unlike he was playing a game of Greatest Hits, letting the words roll off his tongue, looking for laughs, earning smiles and giggles from Ryan and the others with surprising ease.

Colin found himself recounting the story of the game of tag in the snow, to which Ryan replied with his own story of he and his brothers getting lost in the woods for two full days when they were teenagers. The other men had chimed in with their own embarrassing encounters, and soon they were all laughing like old friends.

It wasn’t until the food arrived that the men finally quieted down, allowing the women to once again reclaim the conversation, but the damage had been done. Colin was no longer an island, dependant on Deb for a touch or an assurance. For the first time in a very, very long time, he felt his own man, independent and self sufficient, and he knew he could never go back.

Almost.

The sun still rose and set on Ryan’s smile. Without it, Colin feared he would be awash in darkness, but he would no longer cling to the artificial light his wife provided. He would rather stumble through the black than let Deb be his flashlight.

As dinner wore on, the fact that he was still separated from Ryan by Pat started to get to Colin. He considered just picking up his chair and forcing his way between them, but he wasn’t sure how Ryan would take that. Even if most of Ryan’s attention remained on Colin, he certainly wasn’t neglecting his wife. Every so often, Colin would catch him leaning over to whisper something in her ear. She would laugh or whisper something back. It was nearly sickening to watch.

Eventually Colin excused himself to use the restroom; his bladder was calling to him, but more it was an excuse to get away, to find a semblance of composure before he forced himself to get through what remained of dinner.

The last time Colin had been in this particular bathroom, Ryan had found him to share an insane plan of running off together, but Colin had no illusions that he would show now. Still, he lingered over the sink, washing his hands three times before giving into the inevitable and leaving the washroom–

–only to find someone waiting for him just outside.

Colin sighed deeply. “Hello, Deb.”

“Colin,” she greeted him, arms crossed over her chest, face a carefully controlled mask. For a moment she said nothing, just watched him.

Colin felt himself growing agitated. “Did you want something?”

She closed her eyes very briefly, and in that moment her mask slipped just a little, showing a hint of the anger she was really feeling. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” she said once she had opened her eyes again.

Colin smiled. “Well, I was going to the bathroom...”

She cut him off with a wave of her hand. “Don’t be cheeky. You come to dinner dressed like that, soaking wet and... are you going out of your way to embarrass me?”

The smile dropped from his face in an instant. “What I do has nothing to do with you.”

“Of course it does!” Deb hissed, taking a step toward him and lowering her voice. “I’m your wife.”

And just like that, the smile was back, small and vindictive. “Not for long.”

She was momentarily speechless. It always gave Colin a triumphant sort of happiness when he found he had bested her.

When she spoke again, the anger was gone. Deb sounded sad, almost lost. “Stop it, Colin. Let’s go back to our room and talk about this. I...” She paused, searching his eyes. “I’m sorry for what I said to you the other day. Please forgive me.”

Colin shrugged and looked past her, wondering what Ryan was doing just then. “I already have.”

“Then...”

Colin looked back to Deb sharply. That one word had held far too much hope and raw honesty, leaving Colin feeling like a complete ass. He could see the question in her eyes, the desperation, and he looked away once more. “I still want a divorce.”

“You can’t mean that.”

“I do,” Colin said very quietly. “I’m sorry. I love you, but I don’t want this anymore.”

“Colin.”

Now she sounded on the verge of tears. Guilt rose up in a nauseating wave.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. He pushed past her, walking away. He considered going back to the table, but then he’d have to deal with Pat’s presence and Deb’s imminent return. He turned sharply and headed outside.


Eventually Colin found himself on the top deck where he and Ryan had danced back on their second night aboard. He sat on the edge, legs tucked under the railing to dangle over the side as he stared out at the ocean.

Even though there were still people swarming the lower decks, Colin’s was relatively untouched. There really was nothing there; it seemed a place more suited to lovers looking for time alone. Every so often Colin could hear footfalls on the steps behind him accompanied by indistinct whispers, but once his presence was noted, the couples soon retreated.

The rain had stopped some time during dinner, though it left the ship shining in the moonlight and the boards beneath Colin relatively damp. It was a nice night, clear, beautiful with the stars reflected in the black pool three decks below. Colin sighed contentedly and leaned against the railing on his forearms, ignorant of the drops of water clinging to his bare skin.

“I thought I might find you here.”

Colin smiled as Ryan settled down beside him, mirroring his posture, legs swung out over the side of the deck, chin pillowed on his upraised arms.

“It’s a nice night,” Colin commented, almost to himself. Ryan hummed his agreement, and for some time they sat in silence, both watching the flow of people far below and the ripples marking the movement of the ship through the water.

Colin could feel the heat of Ryan’s body. Their elbows barely grazed along the railing, and his thigh was pressed to Colin’s.

“Do you think I’m making a mistake?” Colin asked suddenly. He doubted he needed to clarify that, but he did anyway. “Divorcing Deb, I mean.”

Ryan didn’t answer straight away, and Colin looked to him out of the corner of his eyes to see his eyes downcast, watching a particularly wealthy looking couple strolling along the pool’s edge, arm in arm; their laughter wafted up on a breeze, quiet but distinct.

“Do you think you’re making a mistake?”

“No,” Colin said immediately.

“Then you’re not.”

Colin nodded and returned to watching the ocean and the thin white line of the horizon. “It’s twenty years of marriage. All for nothing.”

Ryan shrugged. “I wouldn’t call Luke nothing.”

“But...” Colin trailed off, not quite sure how to precisely word what was on his mind. He should have known that he didn’t need to, not with Ryan.

“Don’t stay in a marriage you don’t want for the sake of a child,” Ryan said, effectively reading Colin’s mind. “I think you were right when you said you would grow to resent him for it. It’ll be better this way, and he’ll realize that. He’s a smart kid.”

A wry smile tilted the corners of Colin’s mouth as he said, “That wasn’t what you said yesterday.”

Ryan laughed, low and humorless. “Yesterday,” he said, pushing away from the railing to flop flat on his back on the deck, “I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was...” He paused now, and Colin half turned to watch him. The stars turned Ryan’s eyes into bright points of light. He was staring straight up into the black sky, worrying his lower lip. “I was thinking about myself. I was trying to convince myself not to leave Pat for you.”

“Oh.”

There was a strange pulling sensation deep in Colin’s belly, like someone had grabbed a handful of his organs and tugged – hard. He hadn’t known Ryan had thought of anything along those lines, hadn’t even guessed, even with last night’s revelations. It left him feeling a strange mixture of hope and despair.

Ryan didn’t say any more, and Colin had no idea how to reply to that. He opened his mouth, but words wouldn’t come. His throat felt constricted, mouth dry and useless.

“What did you decide?” he eventually croaked out.

Ryan sighed and closed his eyes. “That I can’t. That it would be too hard.” He opened his eyes once again, shifting his gaze to meet Colin’s. “But it’s very, very tempting.”

“I think I’m leaving Deb for you,” Colin blurted out. He hadn’t meant to say that. He hadn’t even been thinking it, not until the words were out of his mouth, and they were absolutely true.

Ryan blinked, frowned. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what? Leave Deb?”

“No.” Ryan shook his head and turned his face away to stare off into nothing in particular. He was smiling now, very slightly. “Don’t tempt me.”

“I don’t expect anything of you.” Colin said. He swung his legs back up on deck and turned around to lean back against the railing, facing Ryan. “I just want to be close to you. ...and to not have to worry about how that affects her.”

“I’m not leaving Pat.”

“I don’t want you to.”

Ryan snorted. “Liar.” The scant, pained humor accompanying that word didn’t last. Ryan pushed himself up on his elbows, looking very seriously at Colin. “If you do this... if you...” He frowned. “What are you planning to do, exactly? Move out to the west coast?” He paused for Colin to answer, but Colin couldn’t. He didn’t need to. “I would love that,” Ryan said, voice tainted by some deep, unidentifiable emotion, “but it would be too easy to spend all my time with you and neglect Pat and the kids.”

Colin stared back at Ryan impassionately. “You can’t stop me.”

Ryan smiled. “I don’t want to. That’s the problem.”

“We can control this,” Colin argued.

But Ryan shook his head. “I’m not sure I can.” He licked his lips. “You don’t know how badly I want to kiss you right now.”

Colin swallowed, feeling those words stir things deep inside him. “I think I can imagine,” he whispered.

Ryan raised himself up further until he was sitting properly. He and Colin were side by side now, facing opposite directions; their thighs still pressed together, sending warm waves up Colin’s spine. Ryan leaned forward ever so slightly and Colin half closed his eyes in anticipation, but in the next instant, Ryan was on his feet, moving away, shaking his head.

“And that’s exactly why I should go back to my room right now. Pat is probably waiting for me.”

Colin bit back a groan, shutting his eyes and leaning back into the railing, searching for strength in the solid metal pipes. Ryan’s words conjured up unwelcome images of Pat laid out on their bed, naked and beckoning.

“You’re going to fuck her, aren’t you?”

He hadn’t even realized he’d spoken aloud until Ryan replied, “No, I’m not.”

“You are,” Colin asserted, opening his eyes to meet Ryan’s.

Ryan sighed and looked away. “She’s my wife.”

He had a point. Colin frowned. He should let Ryan go, let him make love to his wife and forget this entire conversation, but he didn’t have the will.

“Don’t leave me.” He wasn’t looking at Ryan now. Rather he was staring down at his jeans, thinking they did a fine job of hiding the pale, pasty legs of a fifty year old man beneath. Ryan had no reason to stay. Why the Hell was he even considering a relationship with him? Colin could never compare to Pat.

Ryan hesitated a moment longer, and then with yet another sigh, slid down the railing to rest beside Colin.

“Okay,” he said at the same moment Colin said, “Never mind.”

The second Ryan’s speech registered, Colin looked up to him, startled. “What?”

Ryan blinked and laughed. “I said okay. I’ll stay.”

“I shouldn’t have–“

But Ryan cut him off with a shake of the head. “Don’t worry about it,” he said, turning to look out over the ship again, the smile falling from his lips. “This is really where I want to be.”


tbc
12/09/05