FIC (Reprise): Werewolf continues

[crabby-monkey.livejournal.com]

I'm just going to finish posting this as soon as I can. The next two weeks are a 14-carat clusterbomb waiting to explode.

 

The Show Must Go On

“Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight: ‘Jive Talkin’ Greg Proops! ‘Sweet Talkin' Guy’ Colin Mochrie! ‘Talk to Me’ Ryan Stiles! And ‘Yakkety Yak, Don’t Talk Back’ Brad Sherwood! And me? I’m the Bird Watcher, Drew Carey! So lets get this show on the road!”

The audience was a little restive seeing the performers in different seats. “Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything is made up and the points don’t matter! That’s right, the points don’t matter… just like where you sit in school – you’re gonna get called on no matter where you sit!”

(At least that brought laughs!) Drew was half into the introductions, half paying attention to Ryan and Brad’s body language. Ryan looked totally relaxed, but looks were deceiving. Only the fact his leg was jigging sideways to bring his knee in contact with Brad’s chair showed how close a leash he was keeping Brad on. Colin was nervously playing with his wedding band and carefully avoiding Brad’s eyes. Greg merely spocked an eyebrow and made kissy faces at the camera.

“Tonight’s first game is for Greg and Brad, so come on down!” This time Ryan raised his eyebrows. As Brad stood up, Ryan growled softly under his breath. Brad didn’t seem to notice, but went center stage and shook hands with Greg. “This game is called ‘Psychiatrist’, and Greg is going to be the doctor. Brad is going to have to sing his problem to Greg… and… sorry Pookie, you’re going to have to sing your response back to him.”

The audience laughed along with Drew – it was common knowledge that Greg disliked the singing games. As usual, ‘common knowledge’ happened to be incorrect – Greg hated hoedowns. He took his position on the stool and had Brad lie down on the couch. “So, Brad has come to Dr. Proopenstein because he thinks he’s…”

Someone in the audience yelled out “An alien!” before another voice yelled “Turning into a monkey!” Greg couldn’t help it – everyone knew how closely Brad was associated with monkeys. Drew cackled and agreed. “Ok, Brad, you think you’re becoming a monkey. Take it away, Dr. Proopenstein!”

“Whatever you say, Muffin…” He stole a look over at Laura Hall and mouthed, “Be gentle” before going into character. “Zo, Bradley… vat is der problem?

Laura broke into a soulful melody with what sounded like jungle drums in the background. Brad closed his eyes.

“I can’t hide this feeling,

It’s something I must confess…

But since that day at the zoo,

My life has been one big mess…

I feel myself changing,

Jungle gyms haunt my dreams and… errrr…

When I think of George or Tarzan (his eyes flew open and Brad grasped at Greg’s lapels)

I find I crave bananners!”

The entire audience roared with laughter. Drew, who had almost stood up when Brad grabbed Greg, collapsed behind the desk giggling. Greg waited for the noise to abate and patted his ‘patient’ on the hand.

“Relax, dear boy, now things aren’t all that clear!

Zis problem you are having is really quite unique…

First I thought you were merely hyper

Before my interest you piqued!

I’ll solve your problem with hypnosis,

And wrap you round my little finger…

Because, my friend, it’s obvious,

You want to be a shwinger!

*****

Dr. Doctor

Drew’s head came up with a snap as the audience applauded. (Hypnosis! I wonder if that would work with Brad?) “All right, a thousand points to Greg and a lifetime of dry cleaning coupons for letting Brad rough up the lapels! And now, Colin and Ryan come on down… You’re also going to do ‘Psychiatrist’. Colin is going to be the doc, and Ryan…” He looked at the card and snorted. “Ryan’s obsessed by something. Any ideas?”

“Himself!”

“Colin!”

“Crappy ties!”

*Snort* “Oooh, they’re hitting below the belt, Ryan!”

“SHOES!!!” At least five people in different parts of the audience yelled out simultaneously.

“Shoes, it is, then… Take it away, Colin and Big Bird!”

The two of them looked at each other and nodded. That bench/couch was too short for Ryan, and if he was to be obsessed with shoes, his foot had to be easily visible on camera. Colin ‘escorted’ his patient to the center of the stage and Colin stretched out on the bench.

“Do you mind? My back has been killing me all day!”

Ryan looked down almost shyly before taking the chair. Colin bent a leg and mimed using it to prop a notepad for taking notes. Laura started the music and started playing ‘Generic Love Song #5’. After a few measures, The Giraffe started singing.

“It’s not a problem, really…

Though people say it’s true…

Some men waste money on cars or bikes,

It’s more sensible to buy shoes!

Shoes! Shoooooooes!

Ordinary ones hurt my feet!

My shoes must be quite special

Designing them is a treat!

Shoes! Oh, lovely, wonderful shoes!

(The audience roared as he slipped off a shoe and nuzzled it)

I can never have too many pairs!

For dancing… for golfing… for loafing around…

If you don’t like them, I don’t care!”

I need them, I want them, I love them!

Shoooooooooooooooes! Shoo-oessssssssssssss!”

If thinking about Brad being in love with Tarzan was funny, the sight of Ryan nuzzling and rubbing his shoe was freakin’ hilarious. Both Greg and Drew were literally rolling on the floor as the audience slowly calmed down enough to listen to Colin.

“With this obsession, I think that I must state,

That I’m quite familiar…

Some find this behavior odd,

This compulsion is not so peculiar!

Shoes! Shoooooooes!

My dear boy, you have big feet!

Finding them ready-made

Must seem an impossible feat!

Shoes! Shoes! (Ryan sang ‘Shoes!’ along in harmony.)

But overspending on them is not right!

I prescribe this treatment, and I don’t want to hear any grouses…

Go barefoot when not in public, to minimize the wear,

And donate your old ones to a pet shop-

(Colin looked over at his friend, sucked in his cheek and gave a little wink)

So they can be made into homes for mouses!”

The audience laughed as Ryan first gave Colin his 'deer in the headlights' look and then bopped him lightly on the top of his head with the shoe. They really roared their approval when he pulled the
Canadian in for a hug and 'kissed him to make it better' where he'd just thwapped him.

“Ah… Aw, man… Whoooooooorah! A million points to Colin for his unique solution, and a jillion points to anyone who can find me a brain scrubber so I can wash the visual of how much Ryan really ‘loves’ his shoes out of my head!”

The rest of the taping went smoothly. Colin slowly relaxed under the caring attention of Ryan and Greg, and Brad seemed almost normal again. Drew looked at his day planner and counted the days until the next full moon. If he was going to help Brad get back to normal, he had to plan when would be the best time to confront ‘The Beast’. The only other question was did he want Ryan there as a back up?

(It’s gonna have to be the day before or the day of the full moon. Shit. What day’s that? * Phew * We’re not taping for three days plus/minus around the moon. Thank God for small favors! How do you restrain a werewolf?)