Date: 2009-12-27 10:27 pm (UTC)
Wow. That was so totally not what I expected. I love it, though.

I really enjoyed all the descriptions of the present, where they're trapped under the debris. You really captured the imminent danger and sense of urgency with simple things like the sound of Greg's voice, and it was just done really, really well.

I have to wonder where Ryan is at the end there. Part of me feels that he died. I think I'd feel worse for him if he lived because he was just so completely clueless the whole time...like he really never meant to hurt anyone and didn't even realize what he was doing, and now he's lost everything. Well, aside from the wife and kids, of course. But I think it's interesting—you mention how dark the story is in the author's notes, but I think Ryan's unspoken ending is the darkest thing about this story. The mystery of where he ended up in all this really weighs on your mind, and you find yourself contemplating all the different possible scenarios, none of which seem to end well, and I think the fact that you leave that so open and unfinished is far more powerful than filling in those pieces for us. Bravo.

But speaking of wives, I really think that the scene with Deb is my favorite part in the whole story. Both in descriptions and characterizations, it really shines. In particular I'm struck by this part:
“Hey beautiful… you look like shit,” Colin croaked with a weak smile.

She laughed, and buried her face in her hands as she wept on his bed, kneeling. It gave him time to look around. The machines invading him with their clear tubes, beeping like electronic angels keeping close watch. The sterility, the manic neatness and smell of everything that was a hospital.


I know it's a small scene, but at this point, you've finally gotten all the pieces of the puzzle, and you know what's going on in the story, and it's a great scene to both calm you down from previous events as well draw out the suspense over whether Greg was still alive. Because dude, I totally thought you were going to kill him. ^_^

I love it. ^__^ And I'm so happy you like mine, too. I shall have to go post that!
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