Help is Round the Corner, Chapter 9 (Part 1)

[goblover.livejournal.com]

I've done something horribly wrong, which was write a chapter that was bigger than the hole in the ozone layer. Bear with me.

Title: Help is Round the Corner, Chapter 9
Rating: R
Pairing: Chip/Ryan, annd hey there Jeff/Ryan, and something else
Note: So like most things, this here's a huge-ass flashback

He knew where he wanted to be, but staying at home was awfully nice. If not for all that guilt getting in the way, like it always did.

 

It was suddenly becoming routine, the quiet and understated but especially calm dinner. In a way it was freeing, having all that time together. Chip couldn’t admit to how constricting it felt at times, so he chose to disregard it. Things functioned differently without a constant source of interruption. Patty seemed happy about it.

 

Then there was a short knock at the door. Chip got up from the dining room table, apologizing to Patty as he did-though he didn’t look at her. He looked out the window to see the shadowy figure block out the orange colored setting sun with his back.

 

Chip looked down near his feet. There was Chase, pressed up against the window pane. He patted the top of Chase’s head and steered him back to the dining room. He ran his hand through his hair, told him to eat his peas and carrots, and that was it. When he returned to the window, it looked like the figure had gone.

 

And then there was another knock.

 

Chip turned the locks and opened the door. There was Jeff, pressed flat up against the wall, clawing at it as best he could, and breathing heavily-Chip could tell at the way his chest was heaving. He was dressed in a pair of his old black pants which were covered in some sort of white dust and an impossibly clean black button down shirt. He wasn’t looking at Chip.

 

“Jeff…” Chip tried to alert him as best he could. “Jeff!”

 

Jeff looked over at him with a far more wild than normal gleam in his eye, but he didn’t smile. A frown was etched into his face along with his furrowed brow.

 

What if he’d forgotten who Chip was? And just knew the house address by unconscious desire. It seemed like all too likely a possibility.

 

 Chip was nodding like he could trigger recognition for Jeff. It took Jeff a couple of seconds of staring at Chip for him to break out of his paranoid state.

 

Then he broke away from the wall, quickly shoving his hands into his pockets as he stepped closer to Chip. Like he could just brush that off.

 

“I wasn’t supposed to see you.” Jeff laughed nervously.

 

“What happened to you?” he gasped as he stepped completely outside, closing the door behind him. No one needed to see it. Him, no one needed to see him.

 

“Escaped from the inside of a hospital,” Jeff wiped his mouth on his shoulder, moving distinctly slower as he pressed his cheek hard against the bone. He smiled. “David fucking Copperfield, I am.”

 

“And you came to me.” Chip let his hands rest against the door as he leaned back on it. He sounded surprised though he really shouldn’t have been. Maybe it was relief.

 

“I wasn’t supposed to see you though.” Jeff started to walk in a circle, expertly picking up each foot and placing it ahead of the other like it was a far more difficult task. Though, really, maybe to Jeff it was difficult.

 

“You came here,” Chip looked back at the window to make sure that Chase was gone. He wasn’t, he was right up against the glass again. There was no getting rid of him. Chip moved to block Chase’s view. Or maybe block Jeff’s view of Chase.

 

They didn’t fit together…well.

 

“I thought I was going to be in trouble but he doesn’t have to know, right?” Jeff came back around to Chip, pulling a hand out of his pocket to rest on Chip’s back. His pants almost went with his hand, skating up the length of his side until it stopped by gravity and gravity only. Though they did look like a large pair of pants right there, Chip couldn’t tell for sure.

 

“He? Who’s he?” Chip grabbed onto Jeff’s upper arm to keep him there, and maybe to get him to look in his eyes with something other than the pure fright that was clouding them over. Chip suddenly realized how far his hand was going around Jeff’s arm. His thumb was surprisingly close to the rest of his fingers. That wasn’t right, that wasn’t right at all.

 

“I didn’t think I’d make it out.” Jeff pulled away, completely ignoring Chip’s question. He sniffed as he shook off Chip’s grip on him and stuck his hand back in his pocket. He looked down, most of his features hidden by the ever-decreasing light.

 

Soon it would be dark, wouldn’t it? And then what would happen?

 

“Are you all right?” Chip pressed. He was trying to get something out of him, something that made sense. But coming from Jeff, sense seemed the furthest thing from what he offered.

 

“I made it out, that’s-that’s-that.” he stuttered. He was calming down, it seemed, but it didn’t look any better on him than the earlier panic.

 

“It’s dark, I can’t see your…” Chip stepped forward and held Jeff’s chin in his hand. His index finger stroked the underside of his chin, feeling the softness. He’d shaved before he went to see him. That had to mean something.

 

He had to be just a little bit okay to complete that simple task. Chip knew, there were some days that he himself couldn’t muster…

 

Or was he just trying to look good for him?

 

“You’re not…” Chip started, looking desperately into Jeff’s eyes. But Jeff kept his gaze focused on a point far away, just past Chip. Like Chip wasn’t really there at all.

 

“Shit, you can’t be…” he finished the rest of the thought in his head-Out here tonight. By yourself. Wandering the streets, or whatever the hell you’ve been doing with yourself. How long had it been, anyway?

 

“Patty?” he called loudly and disappeared behind the door. As he closed the door, he could hear the gentle thump of Jeff pressing his ear against the door. He had to smile at that. He knew they were going to talk about him, listening in seemed like a natural jump. Only for Jeff.

 

He walked over to where Patty was, completely forgetting that Chase was still at the window. All he had to do was look at her, and she knew.

 

“Go,” she said, though she meant the exact opposite. Chip knew that all too well.

 

“I need to take him somewhere, I’m sorry.” Chip explained, even though there was really no need.

 

“Don’t bring him back,” Patty looked at him levelly.

 

Chip shrugged noncommittally.

 

He came back to the door, opening it as carefully as he could as to not jar Jeff or have him fall inside. When he wasn’t against the door, Chip licked his lips in confusion. He looked down to find Jeff crouched on the ground, pressing his hand to the window and mirroring Chase’s small one.

 

Chip wiped his mouth and coughed. Jeff knocked on the window loudly like he could scare Chase away with the loud noise. He did.

 

And Chip was offended.

 

Chip coughed again. Jeff stood up and turned to Chip as quick as possible, pretending like he hadn’t just been doing what he had been. He was almost embarrassed by it.

 

He should have been. Well, he should have apologized. He wouldn’t though.

 

Chip looked at Jeff and breathed. “So I’m taking you somewhere.”

 

“Is it somewhere nice?” Jeff smiled a small smile, too naïve for the Jeff he thought he knew.

 

“I-” Chip started before the hiccup of his voice cracking cut him off. He shook his head and moved on. “Get in the car.”

 

“The car?” Jeff spoke and scrunched his face like it was some kind of foreign object to him. Chip looked out as far as he could. He didn’t see Jeff’s car, and he wasn’t exactly sure how he had gotten to his house. He certainly couldn’t have walked. It didn’t look like he had.

 

“Yeah, come on.” Chip pushed him towards the car. Jeff looked back at him with a confused expression. The two of them walked over to the car together. Chip’s hand was secured on Jeff’s back, guiding him every step of the way. He opened the door for him and waited for Jeff to step inside. Jeff still looked lost.

 

“I-eh-It’s-It’s-I-It’s-” Jeff grunted as he couldn’t get his thought out, frustrated at himself. Chip was starting to wonder if he was just that nervous or that perhaps as a kid Jeff had actually had a stutter he had worked to get rid of.

 

Chip held onto him and helped him into the passenger seat, moving his legs to the right places. He thought about putting him in the backseat, but he didn’t know how well that would fly with Jeff. The old Jeff, he corrected himself. The old Jeff would have laughed and made some comment about how the backseat was for kids and how he should be the one driving instead. Cue remark on Chip’s driving skills. But old Jeff wasn’t around. Just older Jeff, and he wasn’t fitting too well with the earlier models.

 

“Get your seatbelt on and…there.” Chip looked up at him, lips pressed hard together. (To keep everything inside? Yes.) He nodded. “We’re good.”

 

He didn’t wait for Jeff’s retort, he knew it’d be slow-going.

 

Chip closed the passenger side door with a slam, not taking the time to remember Patty’s advice about how the car door didn’t need to be slammed shut. Though he didn’t shut it fast enough to mute Jeff’s bitter exclamation of “Hah.” He was right, too. They weren’t good at all.

 

He got into the driver’s seat and started the car. As he shifted into gear, he turned to look at Jeff. Jeff was bowing his head down and closing his hands into tight fists. Whether he was protecting himself or trying to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible was virtually unknown.

 

“Where?” he asked quietly.

 

“You mean where are we going?” Chip responded.

 

“Sure,” he croaked out sadly.

 

Was he making sure that Chip wasn’t taking him to a hospital?

 

“I don’t really know,” he admitted. Though he did have an idea, take him somewhere where he’d be safe for the night or maybe a couple. Jeff never did like the idea of going home. He’d much rather be out and away, forgetting everything that kept him tied down.

 

Jeff adjusted the dials on the front of the car for the air conditioning. He turned everything to the right, blasting the heat throughout the car.

 

“Yeah, just go ahead and fix that however you want it.” Chip was never really one for adjusting the air conditioning. Patty was-Well, Ryan would complain. Chip liked it cold one second and then hot the next. And always back to neutral.

 

“Uh, it doesn’t go as far as-” Jeff tossed the dial he had broken off in the air and back into his hand. “I-I think I broke it.”

 

“Yeah, it’s okay though.” Chip waved it off. He looked over at Jeff pocketing the broken dial instead of putting it back where it was. He saw him reach again and Chip cut him off before he tried. “The radio doesn’t work.”

 

“How do you listen to music?” he asked genuinely confused by that remark, eyebrows raising high on his forehead.

 

“There’s a children’s CD for songs on the road or something in there if you’re that desperate.”

 

Desperate, mm. That was a word for Jeff.

 

Jeff nodded and wiped his lips off but didn’t move to turn it on. It was a good thing Jeff wasn’t that desperate, because Chip was getting a little tired of the Wheels on the Bus-not that he would admit it or anything.

 

Jeff sucked a breath through his teeth as he waited through the silence.

 

“How’s Addie?” he finally asked, as polite as he could. It just seemed so fake.

 

“Fine, Jeff,” Chip quickly shut it down. “Don’t worry about her.”

 

“How’s everyone else then?” Jeff shifted in his seat to face Chip, far too interested in the subject. Jeff had adopted his family as his own long ago, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt both of them in that exchange.

 

“Fine, Jeff. They’re fine.” Chip said, a bit more forcefully. “Don’t-”

 

“What, I don’t see what you’re-” Jeff sat back in his seat, crossing his arms and huffing slightly. That was a childish approach to expressing disapproval. But should he have expected anything less than that from him?

 

“I’m just going to open a window, okay? So I can breathe.” Chip rolled down his window, as Jeff had turned the heat up to an unbearable temperature. But if Chip didn’t know better, Jeff was shivering.

 

It didn’t deter Jeff from his point.

 

“Because I’ve been in-Because I was-I’m-I’m just-I-I’m not allowed to ask?” Jeff was hurt but he didn’t want to say the word hospital. Was it out of shame or had he moved past it? Or was he just afraid of mentioning it? He really did think Chip was taking him back there.

 

“How are you doing, Jeff? How about that?”

 

Jeff scratched his face and leaned back, taking an interest in the ceiling of the car. He ran his hand across the top of it and tried to fully extend his arm. It didn’t work, his arm was too long for that.

 

“Jeff?” Chip pressed. “Answer the question.”

 

Jeff coughed, though it sounded more like a laugh. He looked out the window. “You wouldn’t believe half the stuff I got floating around in my head right now.”

 

“I might surprise you.”

 

“I don’t know…” Jeff giggled darkly, watching Chip drive. Waiting for him to ask for more.

 

“Oh? Like what?”

 

“He said,” Jeff drew out, amused by his words. “I wasn’t going to leave.”

 

“Who said? The doctor?” Chip tilted his head and murmured to himself, but still sure that Jeff could hear him. “I’d believe that one.”

 

“Mm,” Jeff looked away and down at the floor of the car, finding the lever for his seat. He pulled on it, reclining his chair back all the way. He shifted around on it, making a move like he was going to fall asleep.

 

“Jeff, what is it?” Chip pushed him with one free hand. “What’s going on?”

 

“You already know,” he mumbled.

 

“What’s wrong?” he pushed him again.

 

“I can’t get mad at you right now, so save it.” Jeff said loudly, holding up a finger like he actually had some control in the situation.

 

“Save my concern? You want me to save that?”

 

“If you could,” Jeff dug his face further into the headrest.

 

“God Jeff.” Chip brought his fist near his mouth to cover his shaky inhale of air.

 

“Yeah…” Jeff reached his hand out to pet Chip’s arm, consoling him almost. Chip couldn’t figure out if Jeff was drunk or not at this point. Oddly enough, he assumed that he wasn’t. He knew drunk Jeff and blackout drunk Jeff. This wasn’t him.

 

And then he saw the wounds. Chip gasped. Luckily he was at a stoplight and was able to use both hands to grab hold of Jeff’s hand. How had he not seen it before?

 

“What happened to your hand and your wrist and…”

 

He had band-aids covering the top of each finger and a bandage on his right wrist. The bandage he could see was completely bled through. It needed to be changed, Chip had to change it.

 

Chip was more focused on Jeff’s left wrist, which hadn’t been bandaged. It was almost eaten through-yes, eaten was the correct word-to the bone.

 

“Keep going, you might feel worse.” Jeff snatched his hand away angrily. He hid it under his body like his other hand, so Chip couldn’t get to it.

 

“What?” Chip’s mouth stayed open.

 

“Stop,” Jeff turned to look at Chip and said shortly. “Drive. Don’t make an effort.”

 

“Jeff…” Chip reached out his hand, before the light turned green and he had to place it back on the wheel.

 

“I said stop.” Jeff pressed his face into the headrest again and pulled his body in close.

 

Chip licked his lips and focused on the road ahead of him. He rechecked his back pocket for his wallet and phone, and looked up at the sign on the road. There it was, indicating that the turn for the highway was coming up. He flashed back to the game on the Green Screen show with Low-Flying Man and Hoverboy and how he and Jeff had gone on about that for days afterwards, like it was the funniest thing in the world. It wasn’t.

 

Because in that game, when he asked if it was a highway-Jeff was right there backing him up. He was proud of him for that, even if it was something so little. It was huge to him. Not really to Jeff, he wouldn’t have cared.

 

He quickly braved the other passing cars and turned onto the highway.

 

After a while Chip asked Jeff, “How about a hotel? Huh?”

 

Jeff shrugged and muffled a response into the headrest. He was probably asleep. He listened closely, turning off the air just to check if he could hear Jeff sleeping. That unique little gasp of air that he would do that got him through the night.

 

There it was. And…he was still breathing. Good. There was that.

 

“I can get you a room, how about that?” Chip tried again, anyway. “Somewhere…you know, different?”

 

No response. Chip sighed and gripped the wheel tighter. He had to get far enough away for Jeff to feel okay. He had no problem with that. He understood that. And Chip always liked car trips, for some reason that he couldn’t explain.

 

He pulled off on an exit and found a decent hotel. One that wasn’t overly fancy but not one that was a total dump either. Something that fit Jeff well. He parked the car, leaving Jeff in it as he went inside to book a room. Just for a few minutes, not for too long. He made sure to lock the car. He couldn’t exactly leave him in the car with the keys in the ignition. He would take off, Chip knew him like that.

 

Taking him in there to the lobby was unacceptable as well. There he’d be, sunglasses on for no reason, playing with the chain attaching the pen to the front desk, mumbling on about something or other, and generally scaring the staff. Like the normal hotel check-ins they had, only much worse. That wasn’t exactly going to fly, not when he was in this condition.

 

Chip was initially cautious to book a room on the third floor, balcony included. He was afraid Jeff might get the urge to jump. But it was a room and it was available and he couldn’t cart Jeff around all night so he took it.

 

He didn’t think of staying with Jeff. He just wanted to get him there and find his way back home. Chip walked out to his car, unlocking it and opening Jeff’s door.

 

Chip looked at Jeff. He was still fast asleep, had been for awhile. Chip ran his hand through Jeff’s hair. Jeff jolted awake, arms flailing. He looked around quickly in a panic, trying to place himself. He saw Chip and shook his head to clear it. Chip leaned in close, grabbing hold of him.

 

“It’s okay, It’s okay, I’ve got you, Jeff.” Chip repeated.

 

Jeff wiped his face of drool and then looked down at the seat of the car, wiping it down as well. Instead of wiping it away into nonexistence, the saliva that had pooled there spread all the way down the seat. Jeff pulled his hand away. He stared at his hand, making a sound like he was disgusted, and hesitated wiping it on his pants. It took him a few seconds to go through with that action.

 

“I’ve got you a room, come on.” Chip took him by the wrist. Jeff winced and Chip immediately corrected himself, taking hold of his arm and helping him out of the car. Chip closed the door behind him.

 

They walked past the front desk. Chip ignored any stares they got, though Jeff stared right back-almost amazed that people could see him. Chip wanted to believe that it was the lack of luggage catching people’s eye and not the state of Jeff.

 

They rode the elevator in complete silence, except for the sound of Jeff grinding his teeth-hopefully out of boredom and not anything else. He was waiting for Jeff to speak, to turn to him and laugh and hit him in the arm. Tell him that it was complete bullshit and he just goaded Chip into buying him a hotel room for the night.

 

It didn’t happen.

 

Chip got Jeff to his room, slid the key card through the lock and opened the door. Jeff walked through before Chip had to push him there, that was good. He had to be getting better then.

 

Jeff whirled around to face Chip, face falling. He spoke quickly, losing all enunciation. “I don’t like it here. Let’s go. Why am I here?”

 

“It’s okay,” Chip held out his hands to stop him.

 

“I don’t like it here,” he stepped closer to Chip, trying to get around him.

 

“Jeff, you’re safe here.” Chip closed the door behind him. Jeff’s head snapped to where the clicking sound had just been made.

 

He looked back up at Chip with terror in his eyes. Jeff shrugged, trying to cover it up as best he could.

 

“Unlock the door,” he said plainly.

 

“I can’t.” Chip answered. The door just clicked itself shut, what was he supposed to do?

 

“Please unlock it?” Jeff’s voice grew increasingly panicked. The desperation in his face was almost so powerful that it was almost transferable.

 

Like the key to the whole thing was saying please. Jesus Christ, how far had he gone? More than Chip had noticed at first, or let himself notice. There was a lot Chip wouldn’t let himself see.

 

“It’s an automatic lock Jeff, I—” Chip touched the sides of Jeff’s arms. Both of them, completely helpless to the other. Enough to drive a man mad, if it hadn’t already.

 

Jeff’s face fell even more, twisting itself into a horribly tortured grimace. “I came to you because I was scared and you lock me up all over again?”

 

“No, no. It’s not that at all.” Chip slid his hands down Jeff’s arms, trying to make him understand.

 

“You’re going to leave me.” Jeff shook his head and backed away from Chip.

 

“I-” Chip couldn’t answer him. Luckily Jeff kept talking, not lucid speech but speech nevertheless.

 

“I’m not ready for this. I’m not. He’s going to take me back if I do.” Jeff walked the space of the room, running his hand along the walls. The band-aids on his fingers made a horrible sound as they skittered and caught along the walls.

 

“Jeff, Jeff.” Chip had to practically chase him across the room to stop him.

 

Jeff turned to him. Chip hugged his arms around Jeff, holding right him to the spot where he was so that he couldn’t walk any more. Chip was reminded of the pacing he had seen Jeff do in the hospital (he couldn’t say psychiatric ward.) and it scared him far more than he would admit to. Jeff struggled to move, but Chip was stronger than him. He always was.

 

“Let me out.” Jeff grunted. He was able to wiggle his arms free to pound them on Chip’s chest. Though, he was close enough that it wasn’t very hard at all.

 

“Jeff?” Chip looked into Jeff’s eyes, which were only inches from his own. It was hard to keep his attention, Jeff wasn’t looking at him. “Jeff. It’s okay. Come on.”

 

Given enough time, Jeff could calm down again. Chip held him steady until both of their breathing evened out.

 

“Do you think I’ll be in trouble?” Jeff asked, speaking more into the side of Chip’s neck than anything else.

 

“With who?”

 

Jeff didn’t answer. “I-I think I’m messing with the laws of-the rules or something.”

 

“There aren’t rules you’re breaking by being here.” Chip moved his hand to stroke the side of Jeff’s face. Jeff flinched.

 

“Are you mad I left?” he whispered into Chip’s ear.

 

Why he couldn’t look at Chip was officially beyond him.

 

At first he thought Jeff meant was he mad that he left him and that he just misspoke. Patty, Taylor, the whole deal. And then once he figured out how little sense that statement made, he realized that Jeff meant the whole escaping from treatment deal.

 

“No. No, I’m not mad.” Chip held him closer, if that was possible. “I’m not mad, I could never-I made a mistake, they weren’t taking care of you there. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

Jeff pulled away from him, finally looking at Chip. A confused but focused look rested on his face, almost like he was examining Chip for whatever reason. And there was a sense about him like he was going to cry, if he hadn’t already.

 

Jeff shook his head and sat down on the foot of the bed, scooting himself back until his feet couldn’t touch the floor.

 

Chip watched him and slowly took a step to the right. A step closer to the door. Jeff saw. He barked out a laugh and threw his head back hard until it collided with the bed. He put his bandaged wrist over his eyes, so that he couldn’t see Chip.

 

Huh. Well his eyes were covered, he couldn’t see anything. Chip was just included.

 

Revision: He couldn’t see Chip leave, something Chip was hoping he wasn’t going to be able to guess at. It seems he underestimated Jeff in that manner. People were always doing that. He felt bad at being lumped into that group.

 

Chip looked out at the sliding glass door. The sky was a dark grey. He hadn’t seen that when he was driving. It had to be storming soon, a surprise in itself. But it was starting to feel like one of those days.

 

“It hasn’t hit me yet, I’m just an empty shell.” Jeff dropped his arm back against the bed but kept his eyes shut anyway.

 

“Hey, Jeff?” Chip started halfheartedly, trying to give himself an out. He wasn’t going to take it, he knew already. But damn it, he could try. He could try at being selfish for one second to protect what he had. Protect his family, if not himself.

 

“Fuck, why can’t emotion just come to me?” Jeff yelled out, reopening his eyes with a complete jerk of his body. For a second there he was in the air.

 

“Jeff…” Chip walked back over to him, even though he had only taken one step away. That one conscious step. He had to go further, right up against the bed. He crouched down to Jeff’s level, even though at that point he could have gotten up onto the bed.

 

Jeff reached his arms up, grasping at the top of the bed until his hands grabbed onto a pillow. He hugged it close to his body and shut his eyes. He rolled his way towards Chip and cracked an eye open.

 

“But it’ll keep you here,” he said, being completely honest. Shockingly honest, but that was Jeff.

 

“No, it’s okay.” Chip climbed onto the bed and held him close. “I’m staying. I’m staying. We’ll work through this, hey.”

 

Jeff nuzzled his head into the crook of Chip’s neck. Chip held back the accompanying gasp as he heard the cracked complaint of, “I can’t believe a word you say, is that bad?”

 

“We’ve come this far, Jeff.” Chip stated as best he could in a level voice.

 

“Feels like Los Angeles,” he breathed out a laugh.

 

Non-answers. Boy they were just great until someone tried them on you.

 

“Well, technically I think we made our way to Pasadena.” Chip tried.

 

“Oh,” Jeff said quietly, mouth staying formed in that O shape long after he had finished the word.

 

Chip’s hand brushed over Jeff’s pants accidentally. He could feel that Jeff was half hard in his pants. Chip untangled himself from Jeff as fast as possible and stood up, immediately looking away and wiping his hands on his pants. He gulped down a breath of air and kept his gaze situated on a low point of the wall opposite him.

 

Shit, that was awkward.

 

Jeff didn’t seem to notice what went on. Too innocent to realize, Chip supposed. Jeff sat up on the bed, Chip could hear the bedsprings groan as he moved.

 

“How about you take a shower?” Chip asked quickly. He hoped that didn’t sound like an offer.

 

It took him a minute or two but Chip was finally able to look over at him.

 

It was like Jeff’s reaction was dependent on Chip looking at him and nothing else. As soon as he did, he saw him move. Jeff let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it slightly and making most of it stick straight up.

 

“Yeah that’s something,” he grumbled under his breath.

 

Chip watched Jeff get up on his own, rub his neck, and head towards the bathroom. Chip followed him most of the way, stopping when Jeff turned to him. Jeff looked down at him, tongue pushing his jaw down, a far too dominant stare in his eyes, brows furrowed to the point of melding with his eyelids.

 

He didn’t look like Jeff anymore.

 

Chip looked around uneasily, caught between the door of the bathroom and the door into the hallway. Suddenly Jeff’s few inches on Chip seemed like feet. He was just looming over him in this far more powerful way than he thought Jeff could be-in honest terms-and it was startling, if not completely frightening.

 

“I-uh-I-” Chip started, falling all over his words. “I’m going to make a phone call and I’ll be right back.”

 

“Okay…” Jeff shrugged, losing the influential stance he had on Chip. He bit his lower lip and asked, “Promise you’ll be back?”

 

There was Jeff. Chip didn’t know what had him so worried. Freaked out, it was silly really. At this point at least. Jeff hadn’t been threatening in…years. Not since he was-

 

Chip wasn’t going into it. That combative state of disrepair that Jeff had been in was almost fully out of his memory. He was deleting it with each passing day.

 

“I’m just right outside the door.” Chip patted him on the chest and moved to walk away. He wasn’t sure if that came across as fake or not.

 

“Promise me.” Jeff grabbed onto Chip’s wrist, yanking him back. Jeff felt Chip’s wrist with whatever parts of his fingers that he could.

 

“I promise.” Chip repeated, almost robotically. For some reason he couldn’t muster the strength to put meaning behind it. He was still a little-well, out of it.

 

Jeff shook his head and laughed through something sad. He started to walk into the bathroom. Chip guessed that was enough of a promise for him.

 

And then it hit him.

 

“Wait,” Chip called out, grabbing onto Jeff’s shoulder. He pinned him against the doorjamb as he moved to walk past him. Jeff frowned as he looked down at Chip.

 

“What are you-” Jeff cut himself off as he watched Chip go through the drawers and complimentary items in the room. Seemingly content, Chip walked out of the room empty handed. He scratched at a spot right behind his left ear and shrugged, making a motion that Jeff could go in.

 

Jeff stared at him with an eyebrow raised. He didn’t move an inch. It didn’t even look like he was breathing, his breath was just trapped in the back of his mouth.

 

Chip felt compelled to answer him. “They just, I was just making sure that-“

 

“You were suicide proofing the bathroom.” Jeff nodded, finally taking a breath. A small smile sneaked over his face. Like he was amused at it or something.

 

“Yeah,” he mirrored the nod in the exact same speed. He didn’t smile, though he hoped Jeff’s smile was on account of him realizing how much Chip was caring for him. Ever the optimist.

 

“I could still find a way,” Jeff mumbled, losing his smile and turning toward the bathroom again.

 

Chip winced. Or that.

 

It felt like his heart had just dropped out of his body and hit the floor. But he couldn’t change who he was, he had to think the best of people because that’s who he was. But accepting it didn’t make it hurt any less when people disappointed-no, underperformed. Well, okay maybe that wasn’t the right word either…

 

Didn’t reach their full potential. That might have been part of it.

 

Still, he had to trust that Jeff would be fine. In that bathroom, all alone. He wouldn’t strangle himself with the shower curtains, or plug up the bottom of the bath so that he could dr-So he could dr-

 

Drown himself or just run into the tiled wall enough to sever his brain stem. Christ, he was putting too much thought into that, wasn’t he?

 

But Jeff wouldn’t do any of that because he knew Chip was here for him now, didn’t he? Chip had to believe in that, if anything. He wouldn’t be able to function if it was completely hopeless, he knew that for a fact.

 

Put him in the shower, that’s what he had to do. Simple task, get it done. And once that was over…find something else.

 

“Okay, go on in.” Chip pushed him into the bathroom after he hadn’t moved for a few seconds. Jeff looked at him with a knowing stare as his hand closed around the doorknob. The door slowly squeaked its way near closed until they could only see each others’ faces.

 

“Jeff,” Chip grasped the other side of the doorknob. “Do you-Do you need help getting undressed?”

 

Jeff paused for a second, head angling itself back in confusion and slight anger. Like he was insulted. “No,” he said clearly and shut the door. He didn’t lock it though.

 

Chip walked out into the hallway, checking his back pocket for the key card. He couldn’t make a phone call while still in the room with Jeff. He’d rather complete strangers listen in than him. Even though there was probably no possible way that could happen, he had to make sure.

 

He scrolled through the contacts on the phone in his hand, quickly realizing it wasn’t his. Somehow he had gotten Jeff’s phone, though he didn’t know how. He almost smiled at the thought that Jeff had snuck it into his pocket, much like his kids would their favorite toys when Chip would have to go somewhere for work. As if to ensure he’d be back soon.

 

He found the number he was looking for and hit send, tapping his fingers on his thigh as he waited out the rings.

 

“Ryan?” he asked through the static buzz. They couldn’t have been that out of range. He pulled the phone away for a second to look at the screen. Yeah, they were roaming. Huh. Chip then realized he was talking to silence, so he called out again. “Ryan? Are you there?”

 

“What the fuck?” A loud yell answered. Chip knew better than to call Ryan without some sort of scheduling beforehand. Though he was calling from Jeff’s phone, so maybe it was another reason. “Why are you-” Ryan stopped himself. “Chip?”

 

“Yeah, I don’t know where my phone is right now.” Chip felt his pockets again, finding his phone in his back pocket and shaking his head. That was a given. Score one, deep pockets.

 

“I’m busy right now, I can’t talk.” That was Ryan-speak for he was going to hang up, Chip knew that well. He’d heard it enough times for it to even be anything but a mechanical practiced response, shutting Chip down before he asked for anything.

 

“Wait-Ryan?” Chip yelled loudly, gathering the attention of a couple passing him in the hall that was hard at work searching for their room.

 

“Hold on, you’re calling from Jeff’s phone, why?” Ryan sounded angry, though Chip didn’t know why that would be. He must have interrupted him from something important. He usually did.

 

“Cause I found him on my doorstep?” Chip ran his fingers over his mouth and laughed under his breath. He took the time to pull his fingers away from his face to look at them, like he was making sure that he hadn’t ruined them in any way. Like he could just somehow transform into Jeff if he wasn’t watching. Or maybe…just absorb his problems.

Chip continued as he lost the little bit of laugh in his voice to a more serious tone. “He’s messed up, Ryan.”

 

“What the fuck is he doing, coming to you?” Ryan growled out before the phone clicked and clacked as he put it down, talking in a much nicer voice to the other person who was there with him. Must have been one of his children, if he was being that nice. Even Pat didn’t get that voice all the time. Chip…well, Chip never got that voice.

 

“I don’t know what happened, he got out of the hospital somehow.” Chip choked on his try at clearing his throat. “I can’t take him back there, Ry.”

 

And as soon as he said that word, he regretted it. That wasn’t his nickname, Chip had no right to call him that. It felt wrong and almost inappropriate in a way. That wasn’t an actual connection he earned with him, why did he say it?

 

Was he freaking out a little too much on that one? Ryan didn’t seem to acknowledge it.

 

“Shit, no you can’t.” Ryan said, though Chip almost mistakenly interpreted it as sarcasm. Well, it still could have been but Chip chose to believe otherwise.

 

Chip couldn’t explain it but it was like they were having two separate conversations. He hearkened back to a somewhat clean and sober Jeff explaining how improv between him and Brad worked. It didn’t. Sometimes the effort was there, sometimes it wasn’t-it just didn’t come together right.

 

“He’ll get better, I know he will.” Chip said, even a little too earnest for his own taste right there. He waited for Ryan to say something, anything that would have backed him up. Made him feel like he was doing the right thing by sticking around. No, by sticking by him-that was better.

 

A long pause followed before Ryan spoke again. “Hah, I gotta go.”

 

“Um…Yeah, I’ll just hang up.” Chip made a face that only he and the wall of the hallway really saw. Easily described, it was upset. Maybe pissed if he was stretching it. “I guess I’ll talk to you later?”

 

He heard the sound of a click and a long buzz. He had hung up. Yeah, Chip was never good at goodbyes.

 

Chip slid the key card through and pressed down on the lever-like doorknob. He walked back into the room and sat down on the bed. He dropped his key card down on the end table and sighed. He heard the sound of the shower running and instantly got up, practically jumping in his effort.

 

He pressed his ear against the door, listening closely. The sounds he heard…he couldn’t explain. Coughing was fine, but that…that quick splashdown of water or whatever it was-what was that? And the sounds Jeff was making, that unpleasant groaning every now and then? That wasn’t right at all.

 

“Jeff, are you all right in there?” he knocked on the door. Hearing no response, he gripped the doorknob and started to turn it. “Jeff?” he called again. Cautiously he walked through the bathroom, holding the end of the shower curtain for a few seconds and waiting for a response.

 

He braved the massive amount of hot steam that was filling the room. That water had to be scalding hot. Had to be.

 

“Hey are you all right?” Chip slid the shower curtain to the side, revealing Jeff. All Chip saw of Jeff was part of a very shocked impression. Jeff was able to turn away quickly, stepping to the far corner of the combination shower/bath to hide from Chip.

 

“I’m fine.” Jeff braced both walls near him and kept his head down, taking the stance of a common criminal caught in the act. Chip stuck his elbow in the stream of water to check the temperature instead of just looking at the faucets. Ah, fatherhood. It affected everything.

 

Chip was right, the water was incredibly hot. Probably to the point of doing significant damage to Jeff. As far as he could tell, what he saw of Jeff was completely red and splotchy-that water was burning the hell out of him and he didn’t seem to notice.

 

And then Chip’s eyes hit the floor of the tub. A chunk of color or two swirled down the unplugged drain before Chip was able to recognize what it was exactly. Putting what he could together, Chip asked it.

 

“Did you throw up?” he looked at the back of Jeff’s head.

 

“I-um-” Jeff laughed and then spit remnants of whatever was in his mouth (or formerly stomach?) out. The clear bubbly fluid dripped down the side of the wall and would eventually follow the rest down the drain. “Sure.”

 

“Did you do it on purpose?” he hesitated to ask but forced the question out anyway. Really, what was stopping him? Politeness? The fear of breaking him?

 

Himself. There was always that.

 

“That’s debatable.” Jeff said. Chip could hear the squint in his eyes as he spoke, if that were possible. He definitely saw the tilt of his head.

 

“Come on, let’s get you out of here.” Chip pushed back the curtain more. He had to see his face, he had to make sure he was okay. Staring at the back of him didn’t do much of anything. He had to see that he was all right.

 

“Just-” Jeff said forcefully before Chip cut him off.

 

“Turn around Jeff.”  Chip was starting to get scared. This wasn’t going right at all, nothing was going right but-this was too off to be anything other than concerning. Horrifyingly concerning.

 

Chip stared at the back of him, in complete silence save for the running water, waiting for an answer.

 

Finally Jeff responded. “No.”

 

And then anger hit. “At least face me when I’m talking to you.” Chip threw out as fast as he could.

 

Maybe he shouldn’t have been as angry as that. Maybe Jeff was just embarrassed. Like it was one thing for him to compare himself with Chip, another thing entirely for Jeff to just let Chip to just have a-

 

But Jeff was going the way of skinny again, unnaturally so. Unhealthily so. Nothing could ever be just normal for him, could it? If he did turn around, he’d probably have to say something again. Throw an insult Chip’s way so that he could protect himself.

 

Just because Chip was somewhat okay with how he looked didn’t mean that comments stopped hurting.

 

Ryan didn’t say that shit anymore, not for a long time. Ryan was used to the whole seeing the push ups, sit ups, and other things routine that Chip had going. He didn’t need to be on the road with him to see that, sometimes their meetings would overlap. And then there was Jeff who had to make a remark every single time.

 

Chip understood it that would make Jeff feel better, but it just hurt more than Jeff probably thought to hear that. (But if he knew how much it’d hurt, he’d be a sadist.) It was already bad enough on Chip’s part, never feeling like he really belonged. Jeff had to go and point out the physical aspects of that as well. Harshly so.

 

Jeff sighed, taking more time than he needed once again. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

 

Chip turned around, ready to walk out of the door. And then he realized how easy he was giving up. Sure it wasn’t much, making Jeff turn to look at him. But it was something, was it a power play or something worse. Hiding something. Chip had to try and see.

 

It wasn’t like him to resort to that kind of physical-

 

He flashed on Montreal. And quickly threw that thought out as fast as possible. It made him sick.

 

They had a halfhearted attempt at a fight through the shower curtain before Chip gave up. Jeff just didn’t want Chip to see him. It was frustrating.

 

Chip had a vision of that fight going drastically different, with Chip dragging him out of there, the shower curtain coming down with him. Just to make sure he was all right. And he would have been, in that scenario. Probably a little pissed, but he’d brush himself off and smile and call Chip an asshole and be done with it.

 

Old Jeff, damnit. Not this Jeff.

 

When Chip moved to leave, he noticed Jeff’s clothes. They were neatly folded and stacked on top of each other. For years he had known Jeff, he had never done that in his life.

 

(As far as he knew, maybe he was a tidy kid. Wanting to get his parents’ approval or just get them to stop yelling.)

 

His clothes always managed to end up as a heap on the floor and never anywhere else. Greg used to complain like hell how it would take over the entire tour bus. Rebellion, clothes style.

 

Chip covered the small gasp he had when he realized it was something from his days spent in the hospital-

 

Psychiatric ward.

 

-that was now engrained in his mind.