left in nothingness - ficlet

[xrockoutx116.livejournal.com]

hi peeps. long time no see. i've been mucho busy with the end of school coming coming up (AP history = death), but this one pice of writing has been sitting on my desktop for the past like five months. so today i finished it.

title - left in nothingness
author - magge
pairings - ryan/jeff, colin/ryan, greg/jeff
summary - 'this was why everyone loved ryan. he made you feel great, and then just when you wanted more, he left you with nothing.'
word count - 2019 

 

Lying in a new bed, in room that was completely unknown to him, the sun spilled through the curtains and onto Jeff’s face, making him wince slightly. He closed his eyes, but for what, he couldn’t really tell. It could’ve been regret, which would’ve made him feel so much better than he was now. But if it was guilt, that would be the admission of enjoyment, which he knew he couldn’t do, even though he could already feel it beginning to eat away at him. Large hands palmed his chest gently, as if claiming their stake. A slow rhythmic breath pulsing was the only audible sound in the room, brushing lightly over his messy hair. Everything about this scene felt so right, which made Jeff feel so wrong.

 

Something like this wasn’t supposed to happen to someone like him. He was controlling, his life stayed in order every millisecond of his life. He didn’t just sleep with random men. Laying his head back against the pillow sighing, he wanted to take it all back. Especially the fucking taping. Where it all began.

He had been attending tapings more frequently now, so he went into the backstage area feeling unusually happy. Maybe it was because Greg dropped him off with a sarcastic goodbye, a hard kiss, and a slap on the ass, leaving Jeff dizzy and grinning like a schoolboy; it didn’t really matter.

 
Sitting in his usually chair between Wayne and Colin during sound check, he felt like today might be the day. THE DAY. Like the taping that would prove he was amazing at what he did. All three of these guys had already had their days; wasn’t it his turn to have his ‘make or break’ day? As he listened to Wayne and Drew jokingly go back and forth with each other, and watched Ryan make faces at Dan, he realized something is off.

 

Colin and Ryan weren’t speaking.

 

Perking up in his chair, Jeff looks at Colin, who is simply twiddling his thumbs. Literally. His shoulders are slumped over, and this is one of the only times Jeff has ever seen Colin without a smile on his face.

Colin and Ryan not talking to each other...that was like forbidden here.

It didn’t work.
Was unheard of.
Couldn’t happen.

NOT COOL.

 

He blinked as he turned away from Colin, leaning over the left side of his chair and nudged Wayne. “What’s up with them?” he asked coolly, motioning to the other two.

 

Wayne stopped his conversation with Drew and looked over to the other two. The smile slipped off of his face, replaced with an expression of what Jeff saw as annoyance. Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, he sighed, pursing his lips. “They’re having a bit of argument.”

The loud laugh emitted from Jeff, was perhaps too loud, too fake, a show of nervousness. “So they aren’t speaking? Why? That sounds like what I used to do to my girlfriends,” he squeaked, desperate to pass this off as a misunderstood joke. With a raise of his eyebrows, Wayne began to drum his fingertips on the armrest of the chair. Shaking his head along with the beat, he shook his head quickly in a nod, which pretty much answered Jeff’s question. Clearing his throat, Jeff dropped his head. “What’s the issue then?”

 

Wayne, suddenly looking even more uncomfortable, leaned in closer. “It doesn’t matter to either of us. Get over it,” he whispered before giving Jeff a hard squeeze on the shoulder and shoving him slightly back into his chair. Even loud mouthed Jeff didn’t have a response to that. Wayne pulled away from him, looking disgusted, leaving Jeff feeling embarrassed for asking. He slumped into his chair, his good mood deflating rapidly.

 

- - -

 

“...Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway! On tonight’s show - don’t you want Wayne Brady! I wanna hold your Jeff Davis! Total eclipse of the Colin Mochrie! Sweet dreams are made of Ryan Stiles! And I’m your host Drew Carey. Come on down, Let’s have some fun!”

How Jeff had felt like this taping was going to go well, he couldn’t believe it. Once Wayne practically told him he was being fucking nosy, he felt shitty. And it didn’t get better from there. He forgot what he was doing in Superheroes, he sang an awkward song with a very cold Wayne pretending to be the Blues Brothers, and he didn’t pay attention during Let’s Make a Date, so he failed miserably. He was just so caught up in the animosity that was going on between everyone that he let it affect his own performance.

 

And then came the damn ‘Film, Theatre, and TV Styles’.

 
Drew called Ryan and him down before asking the audience for a myriad of entertainment styles. As Jeff and Ryan stood there, Jeff could tell that Ryan was upset. The fact that he wasn’t smiling, whispering things to Jeff, or making faces at the audience while the camera wasn’t on him said so much, it said so much.

 
“Alright, here’s the scene. A pregnant woman, Jeff, is about to tell the father of her child, Ryan, the news before he leaves on a trip...so, when you’re ready, take it away”

Jeff took a deep breath, realizing that he had to nail this one if he’d didn’t want to look like a fucking half-wit in this episode. He jutted his hips forward to fake a baby bump. “Ryan...there’s – there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” he stated, his voice raised an octave, pretending like he was about to cry.

“You’re finally using that gym membership I bought you?” Ryan responded, pointing harshly at the invisible belly.

 
Jeff bit his lip to stop from laughing. “No! How could you even say something like that?!” He turned his back to Ryan. Hands slowly came over his shoulders, pressing lightly onto the blades.

 
“I’m – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” he whispered softly. “What did you want to tell me?”

“Western,” Drew called out, stopping the scene.

“You know, this pregnancy ain’t big enough for the two of us,” Jeff said, stiffening his upper lip.

“Pregnancy, eh? I ain’t be knowin’ nothing ‘bout no pregnancy.”

“You should be knowin’, knowin’ as it’s yours,” Jeff spat at Ryan, a smile growing on his face.

“Infomercial.”

Ryan pointed to Jeff’s hips. “And this baby-maker can be rented out to you for just 49.95, plus shipping and handling. It works, I know!”

Jeff nodded enthusiastically. “That you do Ryan, that you do.”

 
“All you need to do is call up our phone number and tell them you – want – Jeff. You just pay us your money, and Jeff will be sent to you in a nice box, ready for your usage. With a nice big bow on his head,” Ryan said, patting Jeff on the head. Jeff grinned.

“Romance.”

 

Ryan sighed, pursing his lips together. Cupping Jeff’s face in his hands, he looked him in the eyes. His eyes were sparkling with something Jeff hadn’t seen before – well, unless Ryan was with Colin. “Why didn’t you tell me? I – I thought you cared about me.”

Jeff tore away from him dramatically. “I was trying to protect you. You’re too good for me. And this – this stupid baby. It’ll only make things worse.” He turned his head, pretending to look out a window.

Ryan was right behind him, placing his large hands above Jeff’s sharp hips. “I’m too good for you? Jeff, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you.” He spun Jeff around so they were face to face. Jeff swallowed, the sudden proximity taking him back. Ryan trailed his finger under Jeff’s chin before he took it in his hand.

Jeff was too stunned to say anything, because even though this was improv, he could figure out the fine line where improv ended and real life began. Ryan wasn’t putting on a show anymore. He hadn’t been for the past few moments. And that was making Jeff’s head spin.

Before Jeff could do anything, Ryan’s lips were on his, tasting of cigarettes and cinnamon. Jeff eyes closed because even though he was on stage and this was going to end up on televisions across the world, he was just caught in the moment. Which was when a hard gasp sounding like Colin pulled him out. His eyes flew open, and he pulled away from Ryan, who was looking down.

 

“Public service announcement,” Drew called out, oblivious to what had gone on in front of him.

The two of them remained silent, unsure of what to say or do, before Wayne coughed forcibly. Jeff jumped at that. His brain was so clouded that he felt like he couldn’t think. He blinked twice before he took a step towards the camera and looked into it darkly. “If you have sex, you will get pregnant. And you will die.” With that, Drew hit the buzzer. Jeff and Ryan walked off the center without a word to each other, taking their respective seats.

Jeff, as he sat down, could feel a cold glare radiating off of Colin, but then again, he could’ve just been imagining it, wanting to add more dramatics to this situation then were necessary. Greg did always said that he was a drama queen. Grimacing, Jeff dropped his head into his hands. Wayne leaned over. “Very nice,” he said through clenched teeth.

“Fuck off.”

 

- - -

 

Jeff sighed, closing his eyes as he felt Ryan shift next to him. All of this made him feel sick. It had just been a kiss, yet it lead to this. Jeff just couldn’t seem to get it out of his head that the only one Ryan really ever kissed on air was Colin. So when Ryan kissed people, he meant it. And there was just that allure behind it all. To finally see what everything was all about. Brad had dreamed about it. Chip blushed about it, and avoided talking it. Greg had always bragged about it. Granted, he always said things like ‘I’m happier now with you’ or ‘he’ll never compare to you’, but Jeff wasn’t stupid. Ryan was all that and a bag of chips. And it was just a bonus that it made Colin jealous.

 

After listening to World War III in their dressing room, Jeff sat alone in his, wondering exactly what he had started. They were both his friends, and he knew that, but right now, it felt like that didn’t matter. All he wanted was to feel wanted. By one and only one person.

 

And that certainly did happen last night. He had gotten a raise of an eyebrow and a shake of a head from Wayne, who pointed to Greg’s empty dressing room before walking away. Jeff tore his eyes away from it and swallowed his guilt as Ryan greedily grabbed onto his wrist, yanking him behind closed doors. The rest was history. Greg never crossed his mind the rest of the night.

 

Jeff watched as Ryan climbed out of bed, grabbed his clothes off of the floor, and walked into the bathroom, all without a word. He grabbed his cell phone from the night stand. As he closed the door, it bounced open a crack, leaving just enough space for his conversation to be heard.

 

“...I missed you too...it was all a mistake...you know you’re the only one for me...no, not at all what I expected...not you...I’ll be back before you know it...”

 

Feeling a bit of a hollowness open up in his chest, Jeff realized he should’ve expected something like this. He had just been a pawn in some sort of twisted game between Ryan and Colin. They were masters at this. This was why everyone loved Ryan. He made you feel great, and then just when you wanted more, he left you with nothing. Jeff was nothing. Or at least, that’s what he felt like right now. He could never go back to Greg after this. Maybe this was good. Ryan had a way of showing people who they truly were.

 

Curiosity did indeed kill the cat.