[identity profile] goblover.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] wl_fanfiction

Title: Eh I guess it's Untitled then.
Pairing: Greg/Ryan, Colin/Ryan, Greg/Colin
Request: Something bittersweet. I'd really like a romance gone sour, or a romance that never was. Greg, Colin and Ryan in any combination is always nice but not a make-or-break issue, if people prefer to write other pairings. 
Rating: Pg-13 probably
Written for: Chuckney

 

--

I’m not sorry. I love you.

-- 

Why he fell for him, he’d never know. It was an immediate unexplainable attraction, one that didn’t make sense at the time and probably never would. They were young and stupid, falling over each other in their haste.

-- 

He’d never had someone like him before. That whole breaking taboos thing wasn’t even an issue. It was just the two of them, in a foreign country, doing whatever the hell they wanted. There was drugs, there was booze, there was lots and lots of sex. It wasn’t a matter of impressing each other, it just was.

--

He liked him, well…frankly because he was there. He was around, and he made absolute sense. Worse for wear, somewhat but not admittedly broken by the same man, they came together for that short time. They tried to go above the expectations and limitations of each other. It was fun and it worked, for that period of time. And that was about it. 

--

I know it doesn’t make sense, loving you like I do.

--

He loved the way his hair smelled. Cause it was still back in the days when he had hair, hah. It wasn’t lilacs or peaches, it was just soap and cigarettes but not in a powerful way at all.  It was subtle, kind of like him. He was positively sweet. And he cared.

--

No matter how many jokes he made about Ryan’s height, he loved it. Just loved how any hug or grab or touch was just so different from anything else with anyone else. Height compensation was one thing Ryan never did for Greg, because he thought it pissed Greg off to feel so short. So he kept up the charade. 

--

Greg was uncompromising. He never wanted anything other than what he got. He didn’t say “Let’s have sex”, he just did it. It was that semi-crazed brashness that did it for Colin, and nothing else. Greg wouldn’t be Greg if he didn’t have that blazing hellhole of a mouth and a stubbornness that rivaled all. It was amazing.

-- 

And God knows it’ll never work, but maybe if we try…

--

“I feel like an idiot right now.” He said, standing in front of Colin with a single red rose.

“That depends. Did you steal that?”

“I paid for it. Along with the other 11.” Ryan cocked his head to the side. “But y’know one rose makes a statement.”

“Like ‘hey I waste money. Bought twelve roses, only needed the one. So I tossed the rest out the window.’ That kind of statement?”

“I kept the others.”

“Really? What’d you do with them? Hand them out to all your other suitors?”

“Keep undermining me and see if I buy you dinner.”

--

“I can’t write you a poem.”

“Hm?” Ryan looked towards him.

“I could write a whole routine about our fascinating and kinky sex life, but I can’t write you a stupid little poem.”

“Probably because you’re not fourteen and in love.”

“Well, maybe not fourteen.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing, nothing. Go back to what you were doing.”

--

“Did you put this music on?”

“No Colin, the music just follows me around sometimes.” Greg laughed and held out his hand. “Today just happens to be very moonlight serenade-y.”

“Are you asking me if I want to dance?”

“You want to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

“Only if he doesn’t step on my feet. Or lead.”

Greg smiled and pulled Colin in close.

“It’s gonna happen.”

--

If we try really really hard, it might work.

--

 Colin laughed. Ryan glanced at Colin and suppressed his own laughter.

“What is it with you and roses?” Colin asked, his hand over his mouth.

 “Laugh all you want buddy, but this here’s damn romantic.”

“It is, it really is.” Colin looked at the scattered rose petals around the room and on the bed. “A romantic mess.”

“You love it.”

“I love you.”

--

“Here.” Greg tossed the box on the bed, next to Ryan.

“Are you giving me something?” Ryan raised his eyebrows. “If so, you’re going to have to do better than that.”

“Fine.” Greg got down on one knee and held the box out in front of him. “Please accept this token of my inherent gayness.”

--

“Trying to set the place on fire, Colin?”

“They’re just candles.”

“Well, it’s not the 1800s and there’s not a blackout.”

“They’re nice.”

“They are. You’re nice too.”

“You know Greg, people think you’re mean but I know better.”

“And people think you’re sweet but I know better.”

--

And if it doesn’t, who will be worse off?

--

It worked at first. The level of interest, the goals in life. The whole world was right there and it was okay to have hopes and dreams and openly discuss them like one day they would be fact. And when someone was there to agree and want the same things in life, it felt like love. Almost selfishly and narcissistic, it was. Because they wanted the same things as you. And if they wanted you, then conversely- you must want them.

The whole thing about being young and in love was that though it may seem like forever, it had the most obvious time stamp. It’s why there are such things as starter marriages. Eventually you realized there’s more to life than just the one person you’re with, and there’s no way you can see the future without them because you’re in that deep-but you have to leave. You promised you would save them, even though they were just words you said to appease them at the time. You had to see the world, you had to see someone…else. Someone you didn’t know yet.

--

You thought you were fine by yourself. And when that other person came at you with his blatantly sexual talk and his need for companionship and his lanky frame too tall for doors, you fell. Maybe you didn’t need it but it sounded good at the time. And then you found yourself in too deep and feeling things you didn’t think you did (or ever could) feel. And it scared you, but you stayed with it. Much like balancing on the edge of a building.

And then it changed. Someone pushed you off that edge, and it was all lost. All of it, and you started doubting if you ever did have it. That was the thing about love in a foreign country. You never knew if it’s true or real or existent at all. It was a part of you for a short time and then not at all. You moved on out of necessity.

--

How it arose, you’ll never know. You thought- hah- foolishly you thought it had been a friendly camaraderie all these years binding you together. But it was more, and it was something you were too old not to want to hold off on. Exploring was something you did, this was tangible. And when you found it to be a solid thing, you thought to yourself that it wasn’t real or anything. It was bound to fall apart.

And maybe it was all because of your own fateful predictions, but it fell apart. You saw it breaking but you didn’t stop it, because who bothers to fix what is probably imaginary or all in your head, right? But once it was gone, you realized- you really loved him. More than anything. And you’d do anything to get him back except actually trying. By now, you know better than to ever try again.

--

I promise you won’t cry.

--

“It’s our anniversary, did you know that?” He asked when he was sure Ryan was on his way out the door.

“Anniversary of what?”

He could hear the door opening.

“The day we started this?”

“We celebrate this mess?”

“I do, Ryan.”

“Have fun with that.” Ryan laughed and closed the door after him.

--

“Came by to say I’m sorry.” Ryan poked his head through the door.

“At this point I don’t think it’s enough, Ryan.”

“Well, look at least I’m trying. Dickwad.”

“Namecalling, didn’t think we’d resort to that.”

“Greg, look. I said I was sorry.”

“Fuck off, who forgets their lover’s birthday?”

“Since when did we start using that word?”

Greg stared at him, mouth agape. “Seriously. Fuck off.”

--

“So, what’s new with you?” Colin tried his best to continually look happy.

“Why do we even try with candlelight dinner?”

“I don’t know, the candles melt all over the place.”

“Not what I was talking about Colin, and you know it.”

“I don’t know Greg, but an effort’s an effort. Okay? Just…go with it.”

“I don’t know if I can.” Greg took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

“You’ve been saying that since the beginning.”

“But now I may actually do something about it.”

--

I’m not one you get easily upset over, I know.

--

“So I guess we’re over then?” Colin shrugged.

“Guess so.”

“Yeah well…good luck with that job.”

“Yeah, you too.”

“I don’t have a-” Colin started.

“Yeah I was just saying that. I don’t know why.” Ryan eyed the door of the room expectantly.

“So how about that whole-”

“Goddamnit, why are we so fucking polite about this?” Ryan hit his hand down on the counter.

“I don’t know, I figured it would be easier. Wanna make it more awkward?”

“Always your problem.” He walked out of the room.

--

“What now?” He asked Greg.

“Honestly?” Greg looked at him. “I got nothing.”

“I hate this.”

“I hate you.”

“Childish.” Ryan retorted.

“Wow, it’s like you know me or something.” Greg laughed.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Just get out and we’ll be fine.”

He did.

--

“I’m done with you.” Colin said simply.

“Good. Glad we didn’t wait around until we were alone for that one or anything.” Greg looked around.

“I’m sorry Greg, but I can’t wait.”

“You know, people don’t realize how much of a dick you really are.”

“I know.”

“I’m glad this is over.” Greg stormed off. 

--

 But maybe it’s better that way, maybe you’ll feel something I don't. 

-- 

Sometimes he tells Colin, maybe just to remind himself that through all of it, that whole chunk of time spent together- he never regretted a moment of it.

--

It didn’t mean much then and it sure as hell doesn’t amount to shit now but he looks back on it often and wished- he could have had more of him, maybe even all of him.

--

He still thinks he loves and misses him and even though he can be inches from him at times- he never says a word. 

--

God it hurts to love you like I do.




 

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