wl_fanfiction | [FIC] Nocturne 8/12 (Reply)

sungreen70.livejournal.com posting in

Tried to post this last night, but my computer was getting on my frickin' nerves! Thanks everyone who's stuck with the story, or is just starting reading, or is in the middle waiting to get caught up! :D Really appreciate the feedback. Hope you enjoy Chapter 8! Dedicated to

caelieth with beta by

indybaggins Thanks ladies!

Title: Nocturne
Author: Sun Green
Pairing: Colin/Ryan
Rating: R
Summary: It's been almost 20 years since Colin found happiness with Ryan. But the demons of his past continue to haunt him. AU in that the wives don't exist - Colin and Ryan are married to each other.
Disclaimer: Please, if I did own them, you think I'd have all this time on my hands to write fics about 'em?

He couldn’t tear his eyes from it. The small, tasteful diamond (“1/6 carat, emerald cut,” the overeager salesman told him) sparkled and winked from its place of honor in the very center of the jewelry tray. “14K gold band with a satin finish,” the clerk went on, holding the ring out enticingly. “It’s an exquisite piece, and very reasonably priced at only $375. Each,” he added, turning to include Ryan in his crocodile-like smile.

$375! Colin nearly laughed aloud. That was more than a month of their rent. “No thanks,” he started to say, as Ryan spoke simultaneously.

“You like that one, huh Col?”

Colin tore his gaze from the ring and shot Ryan a stern glance. “Forget it. We can not afford it.” As Ryan started to reply, Colin took his arm and steered him firmly towards a second glass case of trays bearing simple, plain gold bands. “We agreed,” he added under his breath. “No more than one hundred. For the pair.” Though he spoke as softly as he could, the salesclerk overheard him, and his smiling face fell.

“Err…excuse me, gentlemen. I need to take care of something in the back room. I’ll be back in just a moment. Do take your time.” He relocked the display case and disappeared before either Colin or Ryan could speak. They grinned ruefully at each other and bent over the case again. Colin caught himself as his eyes slid back to the sparkling diamond once more, and he determinedly returned to the task at hand.

They selected a pair of inexpensive gold bands, and as the now much less enthusiastic salesman wrote up the sale, Colin saw Ryan watching him closely. He smiled reassuringly as he pocketed the receipt and agreed to return the following Tuesday to pick up the newly sized rings. But as he turned away, he couldn’t help casting one last longing glance at the diamond.

Walking out of the store, Ryan slipped his arm around Colin, squeezing him briefly. “Someday, Col…” he said wistfully. “When we’re better off, I’m gonna buy you that ring.”

“What do you mean, better off?” Colin demanded. “It’s never going to get any better than it is right now. It couldn’t possibly.”

Ryan chuckled, but his expression was pensive. “You know what I mean.”

Colin shook his head vehemently. “Forget it. The ring you put on my finger is the only one I’ll ever wear. And I’m gonna wear it forever.” He glanced at Ryan’s face and stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. Drawing Ryan’s head down, he kissed him softly. “I love the rings,” he murmured into his ear. “And I love you. I don’t need anything more.” When they broke apart, Ryan was smiling.

The following Tuesday, Colin returned to the jewelry store. He was a bit startled when the same salesclerk greeted him warmly, but supposed the man had made another, much bigger sale in the interim and had gotten over the pittance of a commission that their purchase had netted him.

But when the clerk produced the matching jewel boxes and opened them to show him the rings, Colin blinked in confusion. “Those are the wrong ones,” he said, looking from the salesman to the diamond accented band he’d admired last week, and its identical twin in the second box.

“No sir,” the clerk assured him, flashing his crocodile teeth. “The other gentleman came in last week and changed the order. He purchased these instead.”

Colin sighed and shook his head, though he couldn’t help smiling. Oh, Ryan. “Well, I’m changing it back. I’d like the rings we picked out, please.”

“Oh, I am sorry sir,” the salesman said, nearly dancing with glee. “These rings have already been sized and engraved. They’re no longer returnable. Of course, if you wish to purchase the other rings as well…”

Arriving home with the jewelry store bag in his hand, Colin stood over Ryan, who was sprawled across the couch watching TV. “Are you insane?” he demanded. “Where did you get the money for this?”

Ryan gave him his goofy grin, but Colin detected a hint of sadness in his green eyes as he replied. “I sold my car.”

“What?”

“Well, we always go everywhere in one car. We can get by with just yours. It runs better.”

“Ryan, you love that car.” Visions of Ryan happily tinkering with the engine of the dilapidated Firebird he’d rescued from a junkyard as a teenager floated before Colin’s eyes, and he eyed the bag in his hand with dismay. “I’m selling these and buying it back.”

Laughing, Ryan got up and hugged Colin. “You’re gonna sell them? What, to another Colin and Ryan getting married on the same day we are? I had them engraved. Only an additional $20. Each,” he added, in a spot on imitation of the jewelry store clerk.

“Oh, Ryan…”

Ryan grew serious. He stepped back to look into Colin’s face as he spoke. “Col, listen. You were right – the rings we put on each other are the only ones we’ll ever wear, and they’ll never come off. Ever. So they have to be perfect.” His cheeks colored a little. Sentimentality never came easily to Ryan. “I saw the way you looked at this one. If you look like that every time you look at your ring and think about me… then it was worth every cent.”

The last thing Colin saw through the film of tears that flooded his eyes was Ryan’s startled but laughing face as he pounced, hurling him back against the sagging couch and covering first his face, then various other body parts, with kisses…

“Hey!”

The loud voice shattered Colin’s thoughts, and he looked up, still caressing the gold band on his finger. He blinked in surprise at Gavin, who stood over him with a look of alarm on his face. He hadn’t even heard him come in. Groggily, Colin uncurled his body from the hunched up posture he’d assumed against the chill. He was so cold. He pushed himself into a sitting position, maneuvering carefully to avoid jostling the painful place on his side. Although it actually didn’t hurt all that much any more. Now it was just kind of numb.

Gavin looked oddly relieved as Colin sat up. “Geez, you sleep hard,” he commented, sliding down into his usual place on the floor against the door. He glanced at Colin’s hands as he continued fingering his ring.

A burst of coughing prevented Colin from answering right away. “I wasn’t asleep,” he finally mumbled. And he hadn’t been. Just lost in memory again. Since becoming Gavin’s prisoner – what was it now, four days? Five? He couldn’t quite remember… the days and nights passed in much the same way, running together in a blur - Colin had had nothing to do but think and sleep. It was almost like those first numbing days after Nick killed himself. Now, however, instead of reliving the horror of Nick’s death over and over, both his waking and sleeping thoughts were of happier times. Of Ryan. He was keeping his mind occupied by trying to recall every detail of their life together. Keeping himself sane, too, he thought. Without the knowledge that Ryan was out there, trying to find him and waiting for him to come home, Colin was pretty sure he would have cracked long ago – curled up and died on the floor.

As it was, he was starting to be genuinely worried that he would die anyway. He could feel himself declining physically. His cold symptoms were getting worse, especially the cough. He was increasingly wracked with violent spasms that hurt his chest and sides. A headache throbbed continuously, and he sometimes grew so dizzy he’d have to brace himself against the wall until the feeling of the room spinning around him subsided. If he was going to get out of here, back to Ryan, he was going to have to do something to save himself - soon. He just couldn’t seem to concentrate long enough to formulate a plan.

“Here,” Gavin said, sliding a paper bag across the floor to him. “Dinner time.” The aroma coming from the bag perked Colin up a little, and he reached for it. When he opened it, he was startled to find a large container of pasta from an Italian take-out, along with a smaller dish of salad and paper-wrapped garlic bread. The daily rations Gavin brought him had improved since the first day, usually consisting of deli sandwiches or fast food burgers. But this was the most elaborate meal yet. Suddenly ravenously hungry, he tore the wrapping off the plastic utensils and dove into the food as Gavin watched him eat.

The food was hot and warmed Colin from the inside. He began to felt better. The headache eased up and his thoughts cleared. Glancing up at Gavin as he ate, Colin wondered – not for the first time – why the younger man didn’t just finish what he’d started. He’d done nothing to hurt Colin since the first day, when he’d shoved him down the stairs. Well, aside from leaving him to freeze to death in this tiny room, he amended wryly. Still, simply letting him die a slow, uncomfortable death didn’t seem in line with all of Gavin’s talk of justice and punishment. Sometimes, lying there alone with the darkness closing in on him, Colin figured Gavin was just biding his time… making plans for Colin’s death. The thought would make him start to tremble, and he’d desperately try to reach out to Ryan with his mind. But though Colin could almost feel Ryan, it didn’t seem to do him any good. Their psychic connection apparently didn’t extend to giving Ryan directions on where to find him.

Other times, when Gavin appeared bearing his meals and sat down on the floor across from him, in no hurry to leave again, Colin wondered if the younger man was starting to like him a little. Or at least hate him less. The improved meals were one sign. These evening visits were another. Colin wasn’t sure what Gavin did during the daytime hours. He’d come down in the mornings with something for Colin’s breakfast, which he’d deposit on the floor beside him and leave again, sometimes without a word. He rarely reappeared before about 6 o’clock in the evening. Then he’d slip into the small room, closing the door behind him, and settle himself on the floor.

They’d talk then. Colin had given up asking Gavin what his plans for him were. He didn’t really want to know. Besides, it occurred to Colin that Gavin didn’t know himself. Perhaps he didn’t want – or simply couldn’t bring himself – to kill him, but letting him go would only bring Gavin a lot of trouble. He’d committed a major crime in kidnapping Colin – one that wouldn’t go unpunished if he was caught. Even if Colin could convince Gavin that he wouldn’t go to the police as a means of bargaining his way out, Gavin couldn’t take that chance, especially knowing that Ryan and all of Colin’s friends wouldn’t be nearly as willing to cut him slack.

So instead, Colin would ask about what else was going on in the world outside his prison walls. Gavin would fill him in on current events and the plots of television shows. Eventually, he’d ask Colin a question about Nick. The words would come out abruptly, with a sullen edge to his voice, but a hungry curiosity in his eyes that he couldn’t quite hide. Colin understood that Gavin didn’t want to need him for anything but recognized that, as Colin had pointed out, he was the only one who could paint this picture for him of his father.

He obliged, telling Gavin what he wanted to know, and more. Though he figured there was no hope of earning his freedom through winning Gavin’s trust, there was certainly nothing to be lost by letting the younger man warm up to him. So he told stories about Nick. As he talked, he found himself recalling things he hadn’t thought of in years. Such as the way Nick had taught him to play poker, patiently reminding him that a flush beat a straight, and made elaborate plans for a trip to Las Vegas to beat the house. How Nick enjoyed autumn hikes in the woods, and could identify dozens of different plants and trees. That he’d loved the Beatles, and oatmeal cookies without raisins. It was kind of nice, Colin discovered, to remember the good things about Nick instead of the pain.

Sometimes Gavin smiled a little, listening to Colin’s anecdotes, and Colin could almost imagine a very different scenario, where the two of them had gotten to know each other on the set of Whose Line, bonded together by their mutual connection to Nick. He could have shared the same stories with Gavin - over coffee in the studio commissary perhaps, instead of a dark basement. He wondered sometimes whether Gavin had the same thought.

Occasionally Colin asked Gavin a question about himself. He did so partly in a continued effort to ingratiate himself to the younger man, and partly because he was genuinely curious about what Nick’s son’s life had been like. One thing he’d wondered about was the fact that Gavin didn’t have Nick’s last name.

“My mother changed it back to her maiden name after he died,” Gavin told him when he inquired. Colin considered that. Distancing herself and Gavin from Nick that way didn’t fit the image of grieving widow that Gavin described. It was more in line with the angry woman Colin had encountered that day at Duffy’s, who’d hurled accusations at Nick and later taken their son and walked out. With the unhappy woman who smiled stiffly from the family portrait.

Glancing up, Colin saw an odd expression cross Gavin’s face. Their eyes met, and it seemed to Colin that Gavin knew what he was thinking. He started to say something, then got up and opened the door, slipping out before Colin could speak and slamming it behind him. After that, Colin avoided the subject of Nick’s marriage and focused solely on Gavin.

Sometimes Gavin grew angry at Colin’s questions and left without answering. But more often lately, he’d tell him, and Colin began to piece together what he learned. It was a grim picture of a young boy being bounced around from one bad situation to another in a harsh system of foster care. He spoke of verbal and physical abuse as a common occurrence. And though he never said so, Colin suspected sexual abuse had been a part of Gavin’s life as well.

Listening to Gavin’s stories, Colin was sometimes startled to find himself actually feeling sorry for the younger man.

Now, after a few moments of watching Colin shovel food into his mouth, Gavin spoke. “You said my father took skiing lessons.”

Colin nodded, wiping his mouth on the tiny paper napkin included with his meal. “Yeah. That was one of his big ideas. He was going to become a ski instructor and move down to Tahoe.” And take me with him… He set the pasta container down and continued, smiling at the memory. “He thought that would be the life… spending all day on the slopes, doing something he loved and getting paid for it. Only the problem was, he didn’t know if he loved skiing because he’d never done it.”

Colin chuckled. It had been a typical Nick scheme. He would get an idea into his head, and no amount of logic could talk him out of it. “So he signed up for lessons at a resort and… uh… he drove up one weekend.” Colin had gone too, but he found it was better to avoid mentions of himself with Nick when he reminisced to Gavin. “Anyway, he figured after a couple of hours with an instructor, he’d be ready to go. So his first lesson, he was all suited up in the ski clothes he’d rented, strutting around like a pro. He had the look down, and he figured that was half the battle, you know? The instructor took us – him – up on the lift to the top of the slope. The bunny slope.” Colin chuckled again, setting off another coughing fit. When he recovered, he continued.

“Getting off the lift, Nick caught his ski on the bottom of the chair, and he fell flat on his face. Before anyone could help him up, he started sliding down the hill – on his stomach.” He laughed out loud then at the memory of Nick shooting past him and the astonished instructor, picking up speed as he flew downhill, the sounds of his cursing echoing in the cold mountain air. “The instructor took off after him, but Nick was going too fast. The other skiers were jumping out of the way and falling over. Nick ended up all the way at the bottom of the slope before anyone could get to him. God, he was pissed. That was his first and last skiing lesson.” Colin smiled, thinking back. That had been the end of skiing, but they had rented the room in the ski lodge for the entire weekend. Once Nick had gotten over being furious about his humiliation on the slopes, they’d spent the rest of the time drinking schnapps and making love in the giant four poster bed before a roaring fireplace. It was one of the best times they’d had together. Colin hadn’t thought about it in ages.

Gavin was quiet for a long moment. When he spoke, his voice was bitter. “That’s the kind of story my mother should have been telling me. Time they would have spent together if you hadn’t broken them up.”

Colin closed his eyes briefly. Having to defend himself over and over against the same accusations was wearing on his nerves.

“I didn’t break up your parents, Gavin,” he said wearily, for the hundredth time. He rubbed at his temples. His head was starting to hurt again. “They were having problems long before I met Nick. The day Nick and I broke up – your mother found us together at the bar. She was angry – not just at me, but at Nick – because he’d cheated before, and he promised he’d never do it again. Don’t you get that? I wasn’t the first.”

Gavin scowled. “Yeah, you say what you want to defend yourself. I know what kind of person you are. My mother knew it too.”

In frustration, Colin looked around him and seized up the photo of Nick with his wife and son, which Gavin had never taken out of the prison room. He thrust it towards Gavin. “Look at them. Look at their faces. Do they look happy to you?”

Gavin’s expression was growing dangerously dark. He struck out at Colin’s wrist and knocked the picture frame out of his hand. Angry now, Colin snatched it back up.

“This isn’t a picture of the happy family you never had – the one you think I took away from you. These are two people who got married for whatever reason, had a baby – maybe stayed together because of him – and were fucking miserable, all right? How else do explain your father – that wonderful person that you never got to know, all because of me, because I killed him – looking for love with other people? Because he was unhappy in his marriage! Because they didn’t love each other!”

Colin was breathing hard when he finished. He struggled against the cough that was trying to burst from his lungs. He and Gavin stared at each other, the tension thick in the air between them. Gavin looked away first, but not before Colin thought he caught a glimpse of tears welling up in his eyes. He softened his voice when he spoke again. “Look… it happens. Theirs wasn’t the first marriage that didn’t work out. And it isn’t anyone’s fault. Sometimes… sometimes love doesn’t last forever.”

“Did you love him?” Gavin’s voice was low, the question tentative. Colin blinked in surprise, and regarded Gavin silently for a moment.

“Yes,” he said finally. “I loved Nick.”

The words hung between them. It was the first time that Colin had ever said them aloud. He turned them over in his mind, fingering them gingerly.

Gavin leaned forward, his eyes searching Colin’s face. “More than anyone?”

Colin was caught off guard by the question, as well as the intensity in the younger man’s voice and expression. He hesitated, considering his reply. The fingers of his right hand instinctively moved to grasp the ring on his left. Gavin saw, and had his answer. His eyes narrowed. “No,” he said bitterly. “You didn’t, did you? You wrecked his life, and my mother’s, and mine. You had your fun, and he got nothing out of it - because you didn’t even love him!” He punctuated the words by slamming his fist on the door behind him, sending it rattling in its frame.

“Gavin, I did. I loved him.” The more times Colin spoke the words, the more he realized they were true. He closed his eyes briefly. Nick… I’m sorry…

“Not enough. Not like Ryan.”

Colin spoke without thinking, figuring it out for himself as he went along. “No. Not like Ryan. I loved Nick, but I never really felt like I knew him. I didn’t understand a lot of things about him. We were so different; it probably never would have worked out between us anyway. But after he died, I thought I would die, too… from the grief, and the guilt. I wanted to die sometimes. And then Ryan… Ryan saved me. Part of the reason I love him so much is because he helped me to start living again.”

Gavin didn’t reply. The silence interrupted Colin’s thoughts. He looked up to see Gavin studying him thoughtfully.

“Maybe that’s what it’ll take, then,” he said slowly.

Colin stared at him. “What?”

“That would be the perfect punishment… the perfect justice for what you did. Taking away the one you love more than anything else. Taking away Ryan.”

Colin’s stomach lurched. He thought his heart might stop. “No. Don’t hurt Ryan. Do whatever you have to do to me, but not Ryan. He never did anything to you. He never even knew your father.”

A slow smile spread across Gavin’s face as Colin’s words tumbled out frantically.

“I found it, didn’t I?” he said gleefully. “The one thing that will teach you what it’s like to lose everything – and to be left alone in the world.”

“Gavin, don’t - ” The words were cut off by a coughing fit that doubled him over.

“It’s so simple,” Gavin went on, speaking over the sound. “Too bad I didn’t think of it sooner. I could have saved us both a lot of trouble. All I had to do was kill Ryan.” He grinned triumphantly.

“You’ll never be able to hurt Ryan.” Colin fought to catch his breath. “Do you think he’s going to fall for anything like what you pulled on me? He knows to watch out for traps like that. Our friends know. They’re all looking for me, and they’ll know...”

“You believe that, if it makes you feel better. For now.” Gavin grinned mockingly. “But don’t worry, Colin – there’s always a way.”

Colin touched a hand to his chest. Now his heart was pounding so hard he could feel it beneath his ribcage. He wondered briefly if he was about to have a heart attack. “You won’t… you won’t ever get away with it.” He was beginning to hyperventilate. “You think… I went missing, then Ryan… do you really think they’re not going to start looking at people who knew both of us? Who… who everyone knows had a problem with us… with me?”

Gavin smiled again. “You’re probably right,” he agreed. “But who says I want to get away with it?” He laughed at the bewildered expression on Colin’s face. “I’m not stupid. I’ve always known that when all this was over, I’d probably end up in jail. But so what? What difference will that make? I don’t have a life to ruin anymore, Colin. I’ve told you before, you did that for me twenty years ago. And now, I can return the favor.”

With that, Gavin rose to his feet. He never looked back at Colin as he slipped out of the prison room and locked the door behind him. Colin stared after him, frozen into place.

“Gavin!” he called desperately after the retreating footsteps. They didn’t pause for an instant. Colin heard the door at the top of the steps open and close, then the faint sounds of the lock being fastened. He tightened his grip on his ring.

Ryan…