CRACK!Drabbles

[xrockoutx116.livejournal.com]

I found this drabble machine where you fill in the blanks with verbs and adjectives and nouns and blah blah blah. So i went and did them, and results are so f-ing funny. I seriously could not stop laughing. Here's a few. And the machine can be found here

The Battle for the Banana
In the heat, Greg moaned his banana. He had been busy with the banana for hours and now wanted nothing more than a muscular cuddle or a drunk massage from his lover Jeff.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his smooth Jeff appeared at the door, grinning swiftly.

"Put down the banana," Jeff said giddily. "Unless you want me to moan that banana on your abdomen."

Greg put down the banana. He was tight. He had never seen Jeff so firm before and it made him sweaty.

Jeff picked up the banana, then withdrew a glasses from his thigh. "Don't be so tight," Jeff said with a firm grimace. "A dog bit my navel this morning, and everything became sexy. Now with this banana and this glasses I can giddily rule the world!"

Greg clutched his harsh navel huskily. This was his lover, his smooth Jeff, now staring at him with a firm thigh.

"Fight it!" Greg shouted. "The dog just wants the banana for his own smooth devices! He doesn't love you, not the muscular way I do!"

Greg could see Jeff trembling huskily. Greg reached out his abdomen and touched Jeff's thigh giddily. He was smooth, so smooth, but he knew only his harsh love for Jeff would break the dog's spell.

Sure enough, Jeff dropped the banana with a thunk. "Oh, Greg," he squealed. "I'm so muscular, can you ever forgive me?"

But Greg had already moved in the heat. Like an horny school girl high on hormones., he pressed his abdomen into Jeff's thigh. And as they fell together in a sexy fit of love, the banana lay on the floor, sweaty and forgotten.


A Dark Occurence
Brad paced up and down, jiggling his elbow. His very good friend, Mary Sue Post-it, had arranged to meet him here in the street. "I have something hard to tell you," she had said.

Mary Sue Post-it was late, which was very unlike her. Any moment now, Brad expected to see her bounce up, her sexy hair streaming behind her and her drunk eyes aglow.

Brad heard footsteps, but they seemed rather moist for a delicate and heavy girl like Mary Sue Post-it, whose tread was damp. He turned around and found Greg staring at him.

"What are you doing here?" Greg said tiredly. "I thought you said you didn't want to see me again."

Brad had said that, but now he was beginning to wish he hadn't acted so longingly. "Mary Sue Post-it asked to meet me here." As he gazed at Greg, his back began to throb giddily.

"Oh," Greg said, nasally. "I'll just go then."

"Wait," Brad said and caught Greg by his lip. "I was wrong. I still love you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes," Greg said, smiling. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed, like Santa squeezing down the chimney on Christmas..

From behind a tube sock, Mary Sue Post-it watched with a sweaty light in her hot eyes. She took a list out of her pocket, and checked off "Brad/Greg". Then, she skipped off to help an embittered man find love again, just as soon as she'd saved the bird from extinction.


I'm Dreaming of a Dark Christmas
It was Christmas Eve. Ryan sat tiredly in the sun, sipping bald eggnog.

He looked at the big microphone hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Colin had hung it there, just before they looked at each other fast and then fell into each other's arms and gasped each other's eyebrow.

If only I hadn't been so sexy, Ryan thought, pouring a tall amount of rum into his eggnog. Then Colin might not have got so sweaty and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away a fresh tear and held his butt in his hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a hard voice lifted slowly up in song.

I'm dreaming of a dark Christmas

Just like Drew Carey on a diet after all this time

Ryan ran to the door. It was Colin, looking drunk all over with snow.

"I missed you longingly," Colin said. "And I wanted to gasp your eyebrow again."

Ryan hugged Colin and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Colin said.

"I think so too," Ryan said and they gasped each other's eyebrow until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted porcupine thumb and lived huskily until Ryan got drunk again.



The Adventure of the Caterpillar
Chip and Brad were out for a handsome Valentine's walk in a ball. As they went, Brad rested his hand on Chip's nose. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so hard, Chip was filled with tall dread.

"Do you suppose it's cute here?" he asked quickly.

"You damp silly," Brad said, tickling Chip with his ring. "It's completely sweaty."

Just then, a horny caterpillar leapt out from behind a lamp and sighed Brad in the abs. "Aaargh!" Brad screamed.

Things looked hot. But Chip, although he was sexy, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a road and, like when Pluto found out it was no longer a planet, beat the caterpillar huskily until it ran off. "That will teach you to sigh innocent people."

Then he clasped Brad close. Brad was bleeding drunkily. "My darling," Chip said, and pressed his lips to Brad's stomach.

"I love you," Brad said shakily, and expired in Chip's arms.

Chip never loved again. 

 

The Electric Stranger
The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Chip strode along the path, making for Soft Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, he carried the Hot Blazer, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Abdomen.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave him warning and he drew his sunny hair gel just in time to face the sweet man who flew at him with such grace that he was almost dazzled.

The man struck drunkly, and Chip barely raised his hair gel to meet the attack. They fought long and huskily until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Chip found himself forced to one knee, the man's hair gel pressed to his long thigh. "I am Jeff of Soft Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Hot Blazer. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you in a coil."

But Chip had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up his hair gel with a twist, overpowered Jeff and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Chip said, looking down upon him.

Jeff's butt shimmered like a river flowing out to sea. "I have underestimated you, Chip. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Chip's desire was enflamed. His thigh throbbed and all his thoughts were to exhale Jeff like a python. Chip caressed Jeff's colorful butt and he responded. They came together sexily, and their joining was as white-hot as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet underpants!" Chip groaned and exhaled Jeff as longingly as he could.

"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Chip said. "That's where I put the Hot Blazer for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed darkly on the grass, forgetful of all but their pointy love. "We will stay together forever," Jeff said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Abdomen never got the Hot Blazer and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.