Second post. 'Just Trying to Help' 2/?

[whiskyandcoke.livejournal.com]

Title: Just Trying to Help (2/?)
Pairings: Colin/Ryan
Rating: R for language.
Summary: From Dan Patterson's POV. 'Cause I wanted to tell his side of the story.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone (apart from myself) or Hattrick or WLIIA? or anything else. This is complete fiction. 
Word count: 3,800
Note: A continuation since I got so much praise (thank you -you're all so nice!). This is part two, and there will be more. Man, I completely underestimated how much I can get out of just one game! I also think I need another tag. 

“I won’t leave you, I promise,” Colin replied.

 

I silently shut the door and left the pair alone. I didn’t move an inch. I instinctively reached for my cigarettes in my blazer pocket, but realised that I wouldn’t be able to light up in the corridor without the sprinkler system jutting into life. I suppose it was bound to happen. The way they looked at each other... there was no way I could stop them feeling that way about one another. Ryan loved Colin. Colin loved Ryan. RyanandColin...

 

I know this seems like a dream come true, but to my ears it was devastating. It was bad enough I had to give over half my show - no - half my fucking child to these American lawyers, but now I had to deal with this? Looking back, I admit my reaction was selfish. Previously I had deluded myself. Tricking my brain into thinking that if I just kept them apart they would stop feeling the way they did. But I knew there was no way out now.

 

You need to understand my motives here. I was alone in a completely different country. The USA. Everything was so different to life in the UK. The food, the climate, the people... but I couldn’t blame my feelings purely on the location. I was truly alone here. Mark would occasionally pop over to see the occasional recording, but he wasn’t here all the time. Some of the Hattrick people were the same as those that helped on the British version, but it wasn’t like the old studio days back in London. I realised how much I missed Clive, Tony, Josie... hell, even Sessions.

 

But it wasn’t just homesickness. It was the fact that, due to my misguided attempts to separate them, RyanandColin had just shot back together like two magnets. I couldn’t have them like that. It was too dangerous. I truly believed that they would destroy themselves. Sure, this love was fun, but there were children and wives involved. Add this to my constant fears that the show, my show, was still testing it’s feet and I couldn’t allow it to continue.

 

I tried to convince myself that this was all selfish producer talk. I tried to shove it to one side, but it kept appearing back. Even after the filming had finished and I retired to my hotel room (I hadn’t bought the house yet). I lay on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, trying to think this through. I never had to deal with these soap opera type situations before.

 

‘There are wives and kids,’ I thought, trying to make my motives more pure.

 

And I did feel bad for them. But there was that tiny part of me which, honestly, just wanted the show to live. My baby... my baby needed help. It was confused, disorientated... it’s dream girl had pissed off to Las Vegas with it’s lover and left empty promises hanging in the air. I had to do something.

 

I dialled Ryan’s number. He picked up on the second ring.

 

“Ryan? Dan Patterson here,” I said, trying to be formal.

 

“Oh. Dan,” he replied, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

 

“Ryan, we really need to talk.”

 

“I know.”

 

There was silence. I didn’t know how to approach the subject.

 

“How... how do you want this to continue?” I asked.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Even I wasn’t sure, and I asked the question.

 

“I mean, how do you want to carry this on? Should we keep filming? We need to keep filming.”

 

“Why would we stop filming for Christ’s sake?”

 

“I’m not sure, it’s just... well... that was a very emotional reaction.”

 

I think I could hear Ryan grinding his teeth.

 

“It wasn’t anything,” he replied, bluntly.

 

“I know, Ryan. I’ve seen you two. I know,” I repeated, trying to emphasise the point.

 

Ryan didn’t respond for a while. I could hear the rattling of plates and screams of children. It must have been dinner time. I couldn’t even imagine how bad Ryan must have been feeling now. His children inches away, his wife perhaps even closer, and the man he adored separated from him by logic and guilt. I decided to extend the hand of friendship - perhaps show some support.

 

“Fuck off, Dan,” Ryan swore.

 

The phone hung up. Damn. Missed my chance. I sighed and tapped some more numbers into my phone. At least I had more influence over one of them.

 

“Dan? Hi! Sorry, I just had to stop the car. How are you? Are you alright?” Colin babbled, trying to hide his nerves.

 

I had to smile a little bit. It was strange that I had no control over Ryan, yet my status as ‘producer’ could have Colin under my thumb in seconds.

 

“I’m fine Colin. I have to speak about today,” I explained.

 

The phone went silent again. I realised just how much silence I had experienced over phones and wondered if that was why my phone bills were so high. Surely that was pointless expense? Maybe I could charge it to the phone company somehow...

 

“Please don’t kick me off, Dan,” Colin said.

 

I was slightly shocked at the pleading in his voice. I wasn’t that heartless... was I?

 

“Why would you think I would drop you?”

 

“I can tell. You’re pissed at Ryan, and it’s easier to get me out.”

 

What the fuck? Surely I wasn’t such a cruel bastard that Colin would think that I would sink that low?

 

“No! I would never do anything like that!”

 

“You’ve tried it before. I know you didn’t want me back the first time - Greg told me that Ryan had to get him to move for my second show. And Drew said Ryan had to practically hit you to stop you kicking me off when the show moved to the US.”

 

“Colin, you’re twisting my words! I never wanted you off the show... it was the format... the rotation...” I tried, but I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere.

 

“I don’t know why you seem to hate me so much Dan, but I really need this job.”

 

I didn’t know how to reply. Why would Colin find me so cruel and callous? Okay, so it could be seen that I’d tried to kick him off the show. And, technically I had my reservations about him from the start. But they were for different reasons! I didn’t hate him, I just loved my show! I was looking out for his best interests after all.

 

“Colin! I don’t hate you! Honestly!”

 

“Dan, don’t patronise me. Why have you been trying so hard to kick me off if you didn’t?”

 

I honestly had to bite my lip to stop telling him the truth. ‘Well, to be honest Colin, I couldn’t stand to sit by and watch you through your kids, career and wife away to be with Ryan. Somehow I thought that if I kept you apart you could be happy. For some strange deluded reason I believe that on my own, as some kind of producer slash superhero, I could let you see what a mess you could be getting into. Sorry for trying to save Ryan and your own asses from divorce and pain.’

 

I started like that, but I didn’t finish it that way.

 

“Well, to be honest, Colin, I thought you were crap from the get go. You’ve gotten better, I’ll admit, but don’t push it. I’m the producer of this show and it would be so easy to boot you without you even realising that you were gone until the studio bans you from the premises. So, if you pull a stunt like today again I swear to God, Ryan-fucking-Stiles or no Ryan-fucking-Stiles, you’re out. Are we clear?”

 

“I won’t. I promise,” Colin replied, broken.

 

I had never felt so bad in my entire life.

 

 

 

Even to this day I can hear the absolute hatred in Colin’s voice. But I had to be the bastard. I knew that there was no way that I could pull them apart. It was RyanandColin until the end. But, in some deluded backwards way, I believed if I got Colin scared enough to actually fear for his job then he wouldn’t even risk any moments with Ryan on the set. It was a stupid plan looking back, but I had to do something.

 

And, I hate to say, it worked. There must have been some logic in my madness. Colin started to twitch and nervously giggle in scenes again. After just one scene Ryan spotted it. Well, he would, wouldn’t he?

 

(Flashback... again... fuck, I need to be more original.)

 

Ryan approached me after the next show. I was busy, shouting at cameramen and shouting at stagehands - really just shouting for the fun of shouting. I stopped enjoying myself when I saw him approach. At six foot six he wasn’t very inconspicuous. I looked at him and saw loathing and anger. I gulped. His hands were clenched into fists and his knuckles where white. I made a conscious decision to move to a place where I would be seen, trying to ignore his angry breath down my neck. I busied myself, noting things down onto my comfort-clipboard.

 

“What the fuck did you do?” Ryan asked, snarling.

 

I tried to act casual.

 

“What do you mean, Ryan?”

 

“What did you do to Colin?”

 

Ryan wasn’t playing, and, not for the first time, I cursed myself for doing what I did.

 

“Nothing. Why?” I said, noting down the number off a camera.

 

“Don’t fuck with me, Patterson,” he growled, echoing my words to him years ago.

 

“I’m not fucking with you, Stiles. I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

Suddenly, Colin appeared. He was pale and almost whimpered when he saw Ryan approaching me with a fist out. I looked at him, and Ryan turned around to see what I was staring at. They shared a look. Telepathy sprung to mind, as I saw Ryan’s angry demeanour slowly drift away. Colin seemed to have that effect on him. Like catnip to a lion.

 

“Ryan, it wasn’t him. Really, it wasn’t. I’ve just had a bad day,” Colin lied.

 

I had no idea why Colin would lie for me, but then something clicked. Maybe he was so scared of losing his job, his career, that he wouldn’t risk it. I bit my tongue as I realised the effect I had on the man. I couldn’t believe this. It was practically bullying, maybe even extortion.

 

“Ryan. I’ll forget this. Just go back stage and leave,” I offered.

 

Ryan seemed to take it, his body more relaxed with every second looking into those hazel eyes. He walked off in a different direction, and Colin looked frightened. Those brown eyes were now completely focused on me, and any colour he had in his cheeks vanished as I approached him. What did he think I was going to do, bite him?

 

“Please... I didn’t tell him. I swear,” Colin stammered.

 

Oh fucking hell. I hated the way he looked at me. Terrified, alone and scared.

 

“I know. It’s alright, Colin,” I said.

 

He didn’t seem to take any solace in my words.

 

“Just... please, don’t fire me. It’s impossible to get work. Ryan’s got the other show - he’d be fine. There’s no work in Canada. I had hardly enough to keep myself boarded and fed with Second City. Just tell me what I can’t do,” Colin pleaded.

 

“Colin, you need to snap out of this. I won’t fire you, honestly. Just don’t cross the line.”

 

“But what’s the line?” he asked, stammering.

 

It reminded me of the earlier shows. I would constantly have performers racing up to me asking me what they couldn’t and could do. I even had to put up a list of swear words that were allowed. Of course, when Tony came along that list joined several other rules such as ‘don’t pass of a scene to someone else’ or the unwritten rule ‘when you can’t think of anything to say, don’t just spit’. Everyone back then needed the show to live, and I never realised how much it meant to Colin.

 

“I’ll tell you, okay?” I offered.

 

Colin nodded his head like one of those bobbing dogs you see in the back of cars.

 

“Just don’t swear. And I don’t want any more gay innuendo. The censor will have my head. Sure, humour is humour, but I don’t want any reason to lose any games. Have you got that?”

 

Colin nodded again, running off quickly. I could almost hear him repeating my words in his head.

 

Again, I tried to convince myself of logic in my madness. If Colin was afraid of coming off to ‘gay’, maybe he would stop his little moments with Ryan. And if Ryan didn’t know why (and I was quite sure that Colin wouldn’t tell him), maybe he’d think Colin wasn’t interested anymore and leave him alone.

 

 

 

Now I know everything I thought then was complete crap. It was never going to work, and on some level I knew that RyanandColin weren’t going to break it off just because some balding English guy told them to. At least it worked for a while. A whole series, in fact. All my fears were shoved to one side as we got the go ahead to make a second season.

 

In fact, the second season seemed to kill everyone’s fears. Wayne really shot off. So much in fact that I decided to keep him on as a permanent chair. Ironic, considering ‘rotation’ was one of the main points I had used to get Colin off the show. I think that just made Colin think I hated him even more. But, even Colin seemed to be coming back out of his shell after I had shoved him back in there. His performances were exceeding my expectations, and even his hoedowns had improved. I think this was partially due to the UK days, where Mark and I would groan whenever Colin decided to, what we called, ‘do a Mochire’ and faint to get out of singing. He seemed so desperate not to piss me off that he had started to pun in his hoedowns. They were great, and I took it apon myself to smile and laugh at them. I tried my best to get back on Colin’s good side.

 

After all, it was getting harder and harder to avoid gay innuendo. To my utter surprise, the studio aired the ‘I AM TRULY A MAN!’ Weird Newscasters and it got rave responses. The heads of comedy at ABC gave me permission to continue using innuendo, and I did. I could see it confused Colin to no end. How was he supposed to avoid acting gay with quirks such as ‘coming out as a nudist’? To his credit, he did a good job. I knew he felt picked on. Especially with Ryan free to have quirks such as ‘desperate to quell rumours that he is gay’. My child was openly discussing it’s sexuality with me - and I half hoped it wouldn’t come back from Thailand with a mail order husband.

  

Soon enough, I noticed the touching between them reappear. I considered having another ‘talk’ with Colin, but I was too scared of Ryan’s reaction. Sure, I got away with it once, but I wasn’t going to risk it again. I think they avoided me on purpose. A couple of times I’d walk into the Green Room and see Colin jump away from Ryan. I yearned to let it continue, but I couldn’t. No matter how sweet it was, this was business. I chanted to myself ‘the wife, the kids, the rings, the show,’ through these difficult periods, trying to remind myself why it couldn’t happen.

 

Then, I slipped up. You have to understand, we have a couple of writers on the show purely for quirks and scenes. I would have to write off on them before they were cleared, and I didn’t read them as carefully as I guess I should have. It wasn’t until I read my notes as the game was actually going on that I realised the minefield I had thrown Colin into.

 

(Kcabhsalf... Kcabsalf...)

 

I looked into the monitor, and then to the live show, and then back to the monitor. I was hardly listening to Drew read the rules to Party Quirks as I concentrated on the cameras.

 

“Camera one, Stiles. Camera two, Mochire. Camera three, Brady. Camera four, Proops. Camera five, Carey. Camera six, I want you ready for long shots if they decide to move,” I ordered into my headset.

 

The cameramen knew what they were doing, but I felt safer to repeat it. Camera six’s operator spoke back to me.

 

“Are they likely to move?”

 

“I’ll check,” I said, looking down at my clipboard.

 

All the quirks were already there. I just had to check to see if there were any particularly active ones. It would be easier for the operators to know if it was likely for the performer they were focused in on to move so they could be on task. I scouted down my list and found the right game.

 

Oh.

 

Fuck.

 

I mentally reminded myself to kill whoever put those quirks down. Wayne’s was already appearing on the monitors, as we needed the audience to understand what was going on. It wasn’t ‘temperamental rock star in his hotel room’ that worried me though. It was ‘turned on by danger’ and ‘ravenous boa constrictor’.

 

Well, that was sure to confuse Colin to no end. I hoped blindly that Colin wouldn’t understand what Ryan was acting out, but I forgot what a good performer he really was. I half wished that Ryan and Colin wouldn’t interact, but that was also a lost cause. Ryan flicked his neck in Colin’s direction, and Colin shuddered as Ryan brought his blonde curls across his skin.

 

Knowing what to look for, I studied their expressions as the audience’s monitors jumped back to Greg and Wayne. Ryan was smirking - every bit the ‘ravenous’ beast he was channelling. Half of me realised this was easy for him. He was always ‘ravenous’ when it came to the man next to him. It had been almost three months since the kiss in Colin’s dressing room, and I could see he enjoyed being that close again. Colin was blushing. They tried to avert each others gazes, but there was no chance when Ryan latched on.

 

Ryan flicked his tongue, moving towards Colin with an eager anticipation on his lips. Colin looked back, falling into the moment, forgetting this was a game. They were so close they were almost touching. I swung my arm out, trying to catch Drew’s attention.

 

“BUZZ”

 

Thank Christ. Drew had seen me. He wasn’t as blind as those glasses made him seem. All four laughed as they finished the game and moved back. My hands were shaking. That was too close. Colin was inches away from outing himself, and Ryan, on national TV. What the hell were they playing at? My anger must have shown itself on my face. Colin looked over at me and jerked. He thought I was angry at him. Well, I was, but more at the quirk writer. I knew not to give them those opportunities.

 

Colin nervously drank some of his water, not taking his eyes off me. Ryan could sense a change in his demeanour, and looked around the studio for the source. I quickly hid behind a monitor. I knew I had killed Colin’s chance to continue the show without the return of his nervous laughs and shaking. I decided to take leave quickly. For the rest of the taping, I allowed the floor manager to do his job as well as mine. The pros to being the producer, I guess. I sat in my office, smoking. I had ripped out the smoke alarms a week ago. To hell with safety, I needed nicotine.

 

I had been through half a pack and yelled at some writers by the time I started to feel hungry. I crept out of my office, wanting to avoid RyanandColin at all costs. I quickly ambled down the corridor, but heard muffled crying from the makeup room.

 

I know, I know. I should have known by now to ignore sounds in dressing rooms. But I’ve always been curious. I also half-hoped it wasn’t Colin crying in there. I didn’t risk pushing the door open this time, I just stood with my ear to it.

 

“I can’t do this anymore,” I heard the Canadian say.

 

“Colin, please don’t tell me that. It’s going to kill me,” I heard through muffled sobbing.

 

Ryan. It was Ryan that was crying. That took me back a bit.

 

“I can’t risk it,” Colin replied, softly.

 

“Why can’t you? What’s changed? Why do you suddenly not want to be near me?”

 

I knew it was my fault. Colin was so scared about losing his job that he couldn’t even risk being near the man. It broke me apart to hear Ryan’s voice.

 

“I can’t. I have my wife. I have my kid.”

 

I gave a silent cheer to the fact that Colin had realised he had brought others into this relationship. Finally, he had realised why this was so problematic. Although... it didn’t seem like that was the real reason he wanted to give. Then it hit me. He didn’t want to lose his job so badly that he was willing to lie to Ryan just to keep it. I decided to shoot myself in the foot later.

 

“You said you loved me. You said you’d never leave,” Ryan cried.

 

“I’m not leaving you. I love you Ryan. I ache for you. It’s killing me inside that I have to stop this, but I can’t risk my... my marriage.”

 

My job more like.

 

“I love you, Colin. I could never tell you how much. Please don’t do this.”

 

“I can’t Ryan. I need to go.”

 

“No! Please! Please - don’t!” Ryan shouted, pleading.

 

I bolted out of the way of the door and hid in another room. I heard Colin’s footsteps and waited until I couldn’t hear any noises but the muffled sobs of the man in the room next to me. I slumped into a vacant chair, unsure about how I should feel. I thought about my child of a show, and I couldn’t but help think it would be crying as well. RyanandColin had helped it live longer, and I was the one ruining that. There were only a couple of words which rung around in my head.

 

You’re a bastard, Dan Patterson. A complete and utter bastard.

Part one is here - http://community.livejournal.com/wl_fanfiction/482989.html