Ryan's Redemption

[the-empressar.livejournal.com]

Title:  Ryan's Redemption 15/?
Author:  The Empress of All
Pairing: Ry/Col
Word Count: 2,706
Summary:  A new day has come!
Disclaimer:  Used a verse from Nickelback's Savin Me.  Don't own a damn thing...buuuzzzz...not a DAMN THING!!

Chapter 15

 

Ryan awoke screaming. He tossed fitfully in bed before coming to rest. Jeff leaned over the side of the bunk. He had grown used to this by now. It happened almost nightly. It didn't bother him that Ryan woke him up, but it did bother him that Ryan's nightmares continued. 

 

"Ryan." Jeff said softly.

 

"Yeah..." Ryan mumbled in his half-awake state. 

 

Jeff smiled at his cell mate. Ryan was tangled in his sheets and was trying to right himself. Sunlight was streaming through the open window and Jeff was haloed in it. Ryan looked at him and ran a hand through his mop of hair. "Did it again, didn't I?" He said morosely.

 

"Ah Yep." Jeff answered and brought his hand down. Ryan clasped it momentarily before letting it go. 

 

The Alarm went off throughout the cell block. People began to rise noisily straightening themselves and preparing to exit for breakfast. Ryan and Jeff took turns using the toilet before lining up at the open door. They got in line with the rest of the prisoners and made their way to the cafeteria for breakfast. Jeff decided he would go today rather than sit in his cell. He wanted to know just as much as Ryan did how Colin was fairing. He had definitely not been himself this past week. It was understandable, considering.

 

Ryan entered the cafeteria his eyes scanning immediately. He didn't see him right away, but he knew he would arrive shortly. He got his food and made his way with Jeff over to a less populated table and watched the cafeteria door. 

 

Colin came in the cafeteria with his head down. He was a ghost of his former self. Ryan watched as he made his way to the line. He was decidedly paler, if that was possible. Ryan's eyes filled with sympathy as he watched the older man move slowly, almost shuffle his way along. He was turning 32, but he looked like 50. 

 

When he made his way through the line, Colin looked over the sea of faces, not really certain who he was looking for but nodded when he found them. Ryan had motioned his friend over with a wave of his hand. Colin made his way to the table and sat down. He stared at his food but did not pick up his fork.

 

"Hey Buddy, how's it goin?" Ryan asked cheerfully, trying to get Colin to acknowledge him. He patted Colin's forearm comfortingly and tried to get him to look back.

 

"I'm alright." Colin said as if he was anything but. He just stared at the eggs on his plate.

 

"Hey Colin," Jeff said with a smile. "Don't you think we could use these grits as cement and build us a new wall in the yard?" Jeff picked up a clump of the foul smelling, even fouler tasting glop of stuff and watched as it plopped back down on his plate. 

 

Colin looked at him with hollow eyes and didn't answer. Instead he stood up, took his tray, and headed over to the counter. Ryan watched him go, his mouth set in a grim line. He wanted to give Colin his space, but this was just too much. He had not spoken more that a few sentences in the past week, all leading up to the same results. He would always find a way to go and be by himself. Ryan knew it wasn't good for him. He intended to settle this. He owed it to someone.

 

Colin shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his prison uniform. He trudged his way down the hall heading toward the library. It was his only solace. He sat down on the worn bench in front of the window that looked out over the prison yard below. He gazed out, but really didn't see anything. He stared at the trees; their leaves had turned and were beginning to fall again. Autumn was fast approaching. He watched prisoners as they made their way about the yard, doing the same things over and over. "What am I doing here?" he said aloud. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed as several more strands made their way onto his fingers. He had been losing quite a bit lately.

 

The weeks drug on. The routine was the same. Every day Colin seemed to more and more slip away. There was nothing Ryan could do to snap him out of his depression. He would sit with him at all meals. He would sit with him in the library at times. He would sit with him in the yard. They would sit on the bleachers and just watch the other prisoners. He would try to get Colin to play games, trying to coax him into a new one that he and Jeff invented called Change Letter. Colin tried his best to play along, but he got frustrated more than anything and Ryan knew that wasn't the right way to cheer him up. 

 

Ryan would try and talk to Colin about his feelings. That was when Colin really clammed up. He didn't care to discuss anything with Ryan concerning what had happened. He would get a far away look in his eye every time Ryan mentioned Greg or how he felt about what happened. He would usually get frustrated with Ryan and leave, leaving Ryan to angrily stare after him. He wanted answers. He wanted Colin to get mad, get anything but this empty shell he had become.

 

Colin was assigned to chapel duties during the fall season. His job was to tend the prison grave yard and keep the area neat and tidy. He didn't mind the work, because he had the solitude and had a little more freedom to roam around the area. He raked leaves daily and swept the chapel steps and side walk. He was alone with his thoughts most of the days, and most of his thoughts were unpleasant.

 

Around September, Ryan asked Brad if he could be transferred to chapel duties so that he could keep a better eye on Colin. Brad had sympathized with Colin and his plight and was discussing it with Ryan one day as to what they should do. Ryan still didn't trust Brad in a lot of ways, but he would talk to him concerning their mutual friend. Brad worked it out so that Ryan could work in the chapel yard with Colin on alternating days. There wasn't much work to be done with one person let alone two. The chapel graveyard was for convicts who did not have family and had no other prearranged plans for what to do with their bodies when they passed. There were not many graves there, but enough to warrant a whole cemetery. 

 

At first, Colin didn't act like he minded Ryan's company. He was just there. Ryan tried to engage him in conversation. He would try and make Colin laugh as usual. Every chance he got, he would try and find a way to touch Colin. On his arm. On his back. Ryan didn't like the fact that Colin was becoming devoid of human contact. Ryan cared a lot about Colin. He had grown to appreciate the man in the year he had gotten to know him. He hated to see Colin this way. When they all shared happier times, Ryan loved how Colin could make him laugh over the silliest of things. He had a very dry sense of humor. How he wished he could make Colin smile again. What would it take?

 

Later when it looked like Ryan was not going to let up and leave him alone, Colin avoided him altogether. When Ryan would come into the graveyard, Colin would go to the other side and busy himself with raking leaves and picking up debris. Ryan got the hint, but it was beginning to hurt. He still kept an eye on Colin.

 

In the far corner of the yard, underneath a shade tree, was a newly marked grave. Everyday Colin would stop by that grave and stare at it. He would touch the tombstone gingerly and brush off any of the leaves that had fallen on it.   Some days he would talk to it and tell whoever maybe listening all the troubles in his heart. 

 

Prison gates won't open up for me

On these hands and knees I'm crawlin

Oh I reach for you

Well I'm terrified of these four walls

These iron bars can't hold my soul in

All I need is you

Come please, I'm callin'

And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm fallin, I'm fallin

 

On this particular day, Ryan had been standing in the shadows of the church listening to Colin as he spoke to the grave. He watched as his friend fell to his knees and rested his hands on the tombstone. He had just about had enough of the way Colin had let himself go. He needed to let Colin know that he cared about him and what he was doing to himself. How could he bring hope to a hopeless situation? He was in the same boat as Colin, but whereas Colin had given up, Ryan never would. He approached Colin silently listening to his friend cry.

 

"Colin, you hafta move on from this." Ryan said cautiously putting a hand on his shoulder.

 

"Don't tell me what I have to do, Ryan." Colin said refusing to look up at him. He wiped his face and continued to look at the marker.

 

"He wouldn't have wanted you to be this way." Ryan said.

 

"How do you know what he would have wanted? You didn't know him. And I'd appreciate it if you left us the hell alone." Colin said coldly. 

 

"Fine." Ryan said turning. He walked a few paces and came to a stop. "NO! I ain't going away this time. I am sick of what's happening to you Colin. I made a promise to that mug before he died and I always keep my promises. He told me to take care of you and make sure you were happy. I ain't doin my job."

 

"How do you know what's best for me?" Colin said with bitterness in his voice. He stood up and walked back over to the chapel. He leaned against the building and faced Ryan. "I can't live another day in this hell. I want to be out of here. Despite all of his faults, Greg was my only anchor to sanity in this place. Now he's gone, and I just want to do whatever it takes to be the same.

 

"There are other people who care about you, Colin." Ryan said with feeling. He looked nervously at Colin and his implication of doing the unthinkable. "You just can't brush them off and brush me, I mean them, away. If I had given up a long time ago, I wouldn't be standin here today. I would have let them coppers rub me out years ago. I know there's something more for me in this life. I ain't givin up and neither should you. I ain't gonna give up on you, Colin” Ryan put his hand back on Colin's shoulder and trailed it down his long arm, affectionately. He took a step closer to Colin.   Colin studied Ryan's hand for a moment before looking back into his eyes. It looked as if Ryan was trying to come to terms with something he had been fighting for a while. Colin read his look and said with a tremble in his voice:

 

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me.

 

Ryan ran a hand through his hair. This was it. How did he feel? He looked at the man in front of him. At his waxen, pale features. His soft brown, pleading eyes, that had oh so many tell-tale signs of not wanting to be let down again, but fearing he would be. He knew what he should do, but hesitated. He wanted to be strong for Colin, but he didn't know if he could make this deeper connection. He turned away in frustration and pounded his fist on the side of the wall. He didn't know if he could say it.

 

Colin looked at him resigned. He laid a hand on Ryan's back and patted it. "It's ok."

 

"It's NOT ok." Ryan said deciding now or never. He grabbed Colin by the shoulders and pushed him up against the wall. He came within inches of Colin's lips and paused, drawn in by the seductive pout, staring at their softness. "I love you, Col."

 

"Ryan." Colin whispered, not able to find his voice. He brushed his forehead against Ryan's feeling the coolness of it, and the silken locks that had fallen across his brow. "Are you sure you want this. Don't play with me."

 

"I'm sure." Ryan said a hairbreadth away from Colin's lips. His words ghosted over Colin's mouth and Colin closed his eyes to the sensation. “I would never play about something like this." Ryan said brushing his nose alongside Colin's. He closed his eyes.

 

"Save me." Colin said as Ryan brought his lips to Colin's. It was a sweet and tender kiss. A tear shown in Colin's eye as he carded his hands through Ryan's hair. Ryan let out a soft moan, savoring his first kiss, his first realization. A light breezed picked up around them blowing leaves past them as they stood in the shadows of the building, learning and exploring. 

 

Days took on new meaning to both Colin and Ryan. It was as if a light went on inside of Colin. Ryan couldn't help but laugh at how Colin smiled all the time. He could still see the sadness lingering behind his eyes at times, but whenever Ryan came into his presence, he glowed.   Ryan hadn't been in love in a long time, so it was re-learning experience for him, besides the fact that it was with another man. Ryan quickly got over his uneasiness because Colin had made him feel like singing. And he did! He couldn't wait to spend every moment of his time with his new love. They still met at the library together. They still met at break time, but now, Colin would always pull Ryan off behind the bleachers to show him new and exciting ways to have fun and brand new games to play. Colin looked years younger in the span of weeks. He had a spring in his step and a quirky kind of smile that he never used on anyone else but Ryan. Ryan didn't even think he was this lively when he was around Greg. He asked him about it one day as they were stealing kisses behind the chapel. 

 

"I loved Greg, its true. I still do." Colin said lacing his fingers with Ryan's. But I don't think I was ever "in love" with him. It was a love of necessity, and then a love of a tragic raw emotion. I don't think I would ever want to love him the way I do you." Colin smiled and planted another light kiss on Ryan's upturned smile. "You make me happy. You make me smile. And you are the most frustrating thing, I've ever experienced in my life."

 

Ryan laughed and poked him in the ribs. "Geeze, you wanna go easy on me? I'm new at all of this."

 

"I know, you big bird." Colin said as he tweaked Ryan's nose. 

 

Colin was indeed happier than he had felt in years. Ryan was a savior to him. He didn't understand why he never saw it sooner. Ryan had spent every moment with him since his arrival to the penitentiary in some form or another. He always looked to Colin for approval and he was always there. Once the little light went on inside of Colin, he kicked himself once again for being such a fool. Ryan cared. Maybe now he could feel.