5 Songs, 5 Drabbles.

[desiredeffect.livejournal.com]

Title: Shouldn't Hurt Me To Be Free
Author: desiredeffect
Summary: When Ryan and Colin decided that twenty years of avoiding an issue that were far too old to dance around they realised they had two choices.
Pairing(s): Obviously Ryan/Colin. Damn. Conforming to conformity.
Rating: PG-13? (Make it up! I'm no good at rating these)
Author's notes: I got bored again. 5 songs. 5 drabbles. Ranging from 250-500 words. Et voila? Enjoy! :o
Disclaimer: It's not lying, it's a gift for fiction.
Words: Just Over 2000

I sing the song because I love the man
I know that some of you don't understand

When Ryan and Colin decided that twenty years of avoiding an issue that were far too old to dance around they realised they had two choices: tell their wives and hope it goes down well or sneak around behind everyone’s back stealing kisses between shooting and hiding away in motel rooms for the precious moments. Colin’s hectic schedule practically made the latter impossible so they had to bite the bullet and let them know.

Neither of them took it well, as was to be expected, Deb scathing, wasting no time in packing Colin’s things and telling him to get out. Pat was slightly more understanding but just as hurt, informing Ryan he could stay until his priorities were in order but after that he was to have no contact with her – only the children.

Needless to say, everyone else was shocked. There were undertones between the two of them that no one could possibly miss but that just seemed part of the whole ‘Ryan And Colin’ package. If you got one, you eventually got the other with whatever bond they shared and that’s all there was to it. Acceptance and peace making took its toll on both of them, both often ending up sprawled on the floor, staring aimlessly at the ceiling.

On one such occasion Colin had his head resting on Ryan’s chest, feeling restless. Casually he ordered Ryan to sing him a song, any song, just enough to calm him down. Ryan, smiling as always when Colin got like that, complied easily with his wishes, picking the first song that came into his mind. Colin didn’t recognise the song at first but was content to lie there and listen, little snatches of tune that he hummed along with when he remembered them. This was how it should be.

I've been travelling, but I don't know where
I've been wandering, but I just don't care

They’re on the phone to each other, talking in hushed voices. Colin’s talking softly because a) he talks like that anyway and b) he doesn’t want to wake Brad. Ryan because Colin was doing it and if Colin was doing it, he was more then happy to tag along like a lost puppy. Ryan’s propped up in their bed, phone to his ear, listening to Colin fill him on his day while Ryan's spare hand rubs longingly over the space in the bed Colin is usually (and right now, should be) occupying. A sharp intake of breath and clattering sound on the other side of the line had Ryan at full attention.

”Colin? You okay?”

“I think so. The mini bar is giving me a bit of trouble. I dropped a bottle of beer on the floor. I swear Brad sleeps like a log.”

”Something, undoubtedly, you should be doing too instead of drowning your sorrows.”

“What sorrows? I just can’t sleep.” There’s a slight pause and Colin’s voice lowers another notch. “I miss you Ry.”

“Aw, I feel loved.”

There’s a soft huff of laughter on the other end of the line. “I mean it. I’m lonely here – apart from sharing a bed with Brad which, as you may have guessed, is not all it’s cracked up to be.”

“Well I can’t do anything about that until you get home next week.”

“You’re doing something about it right now, Ry. Your voice relaxes me.”

“I know where this is going. No, I’m not going to sing to you. You’re not a kid Col.”

“What if I cook you dinner for a week?”

“Oysters?”

“All you can eat.”

“Deal.” There’s a pregnant pause as Ryan searches his brain for an appropriate song. When he lands on one he smiles tenderly, knowing Colin can feel it even from where he currently is and begins, words dancing with an unspeakable loneliness and misery. The sounds have a slightly tinny quality to them but Colin understands, listening with rapt attention as Ryan sings right up until the end, feeling his eyelids droop. Even though the melancholy tones in Ryan’s voice makes him want to forget all of this and run home back to Ryan to comfort him, he can’t help but feel relaxed at the reassuring feeling it gives him.

There’s a smile tinged with amusement as Ryan finishes, whispering softly. “Goodnight, Col.”

I want you to know I feel completely at ease
Read me like a book, that's fallen down between your knees

A week later Colin was home, both of them wasting no time in getting into bed mostly because Colin wanted to sleep and Ryan was comfortable with reading while Colin slept. Satisfied at the time with light touches, fingers skimming over each other’s skin to remind them of what they had missed, remembering places the other had that were particularly sensitive or just spots they sunk their teeth into, rekindling old hickeys and teeth mark bruises. Ryan pulled back slightly to meet Colin’s exhausted, chocolate coloured eyes, lips quirking at the corners as he leant in again to press a kiss to the other man’s forehead.

“I forgot to tell you in the hotel on the phone, I missed you too.”

Colin smirked faintly, wriggling in until he was lying against Ryan’s body and turning around, snuggling back into Ryan’s embrace. Ryan took it easily, draping an arm over Colin’s waist, dipping his head slightly to bury his nose into the soft hairs at the nape of the other man’s nape, happy to lie there and inhale Colin’s shy yet intoxicating scent.

He didn’t even have to ask that time, knowing that even if he did, Ryan would fight for the sake of it before giving in – because there was no one alive who could resist Colin when he turned those velvet brown puppy dog eyes on them and Ryan was certainly no exception. Even more susceptible due to the fact Colin had him wrapped around his pinkie finger.

Ryan began to hum softly under his breath, a light tune at first, to cover the first few words he couldn’t remember before singing in earnest, voice low and breathy against Colin’s neck, the words flowing out as hot air against Colin’s skin, dampening it and making his body shudder with inexorable spasms. When Ryan got to the line of ‘please let me have my way with you’, Colin turned around in Ryan’s arms; brown eyes clashing with green even as the words Ryan were singing continue to resonate around the room.

There was a challenge present within the forest green depths and Colin loved tests. He wriggled a bit more, a full blown smirk appearing on his face as Ryan faltered with the words but continued on, intent on finishing the song. Not one to be deterred, Colin shrugged out of Ryan’s arms and delved beneath the covers on the bed that barely held both of them. Ryan continued to sing, voice holding a note of suspicion at Colin’s incredible recovery in the ‘staying awake’ department.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Col.” Ryan choked.

Colin really didn’t think that was part of the song but he could, in all actuality, care less.

If you want me, I'll be here
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you

It’s Christmas time, the house decorated in vibrant greens and reds, even though neither Colin nor Ryan feel very festive. The mere fact that it was their first Christmas together suggested that they do something special – so they had. They’d done all the things expected of them (Ryan had decided that the word “normal” should become synonymous with “boring”. Colin had laughed so hard he’d had to excuse himself from where they were buying a Christmas tree), right down to the individually wrapped presents for each other as well as a few other people they had decided to have over for a Christmas dinner.

They’re curled up on the couch together, instinctively keeping contact with each other, while they sip at the hot mugs of cocoa (another thing Colin had insisted they do). Colin looks at the impressive pine tree situated in their living room, dressed in bright shimmery tinsel and baubles that mean absolutely nothing. The angel decorates the top, seemingly judgemental from that particular height.

“Ry?”

“Mmm, yeah?

“Do …” Colin pauses, dragging in a breath. He’s going to snap that damn angel in half next chance he gets, but he has to ask. “Do you regret moving in here with me?”

“Col? What the hell? What’s gotten in to you?” Ryan sets his mug down on the coffee table, and looks at Colin, expression curious, albeit slightly perplexed, fingers drawing tantalising circles above Colin’s ankle from where his feet are buried under Ryan’s thighs to keep them warm. He pauses, skipping a heartbeat or two and Colin’s heart clenches painfully within his chest before Ryan answers, voice soft and mellow. “No I don’t regret that. Not at all. Now who has been filling your head with all this bullshit?”

Colin felt his cheeks heat slightly. “The angel.”

“The what?”

“The angel.” Colin was slightly more insistent this time, waving a hand in the general direction of the tree. “It’s mocking me, I swear.”

Ryan broke out into laughter, unable to keep it in, even as he shifted, moving up and away from the couch, striding over to the tree and reaching up to turn the angel the other way so that it was facing the wall. He turned to look at Colin with an expectant expression. “Better?”

“Much.”

Ryan rejoined him on the couch, taking up his mug again, but looping one arm over Colin’s shoulder, bringing the man into contact with chest, Colin’s head resting in the crook of his neck.

God he was so insecure. Taking another sip of cocoa before gingerly placing it down again, he wrapped his other arm around Colin, keeping hold of him and before he knew it, the words were tumbling out of his mouth.

The song itself had a sorrowful tune and Ryan sang it as such, but the suggestions in the song lifted Colin’s spirits more then anything else could.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Ryan smiled gently, glancing swiftly at the clock before winking at Colin. “Merry Christmas.”

I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep on crying baby, baby please

The first time they got into serious relationship fight it took Drew and Greg half an hour to calm them down. Placated enough to get them into separate rooms to make sure they didn’t throttle each other in Drew’s living room. That night they slept in different beds. The quarrelling between them took at least a week, to heal over, both of them acting like sullen children, refusing flat out to speak to the other.

It was Ryan who eventually had enough. He couldn’t sleep without Colin near him at night, a soft reassuring presence to keep close and ensure a good night’s sleep. Couldn’t smile, feeling less and less humorous as time dragged on without Colin there to laugh at/with him. Couldn’t live without talking to the other man, sharing secret messages that no one but them would understand. Ultimately he bit back his pride and sought out Colin, the taste of defeat, no matter how small, a bitter one.

He found the man at their house, sitting on their couch and reading like nothing in the world was bothering him. If it weren’t for the tension lines visible across his shoulders, Ryan would’ve been fooled. Instead he approached as silently as he could before bending, draping his arms over Colin’s shoulder and singing softly in his ear, voice caressing the words, coating them in an unspoken apology that was accepted by Colin when he’d gently covered the hand Ryan had placed directly over Colin’s heart with his own.

----


A/N: The songs used are these incase you care :):
Needles And The Damage Done – Neil Young
Laugh, I Nearly Died – The Rolling Stones
Its Only Natural – Crowded House
Dreaming My Dreams – The Cranberries
Every Breath You Take – The Police