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wl_fanfiction2007-05-12 05:01 am
[Cliche Fic] Long Story, PG-13, The Smallest Thing (Part 1 of 2)
Author:
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simplysly Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ry/Col
Summary: Prompt: Pretending to be a couple. Dan has an idea to get more publicity for Whose Line is it Anyway. Ryan and Colin get to be the lucky showhorses.
Isn’t it odd how often it’s a little thing that changes everything? Colin rested his head against a cool pane of glass and watched the rain fall. He smiled wistfully and thought back to when everything had changed. It had been summer, he was pretty sure. It had all started out as a normal day. The sun was shining (as much as it ever did through the LA smog, anyway), Colin had woken up at his usual time, and had his usual breakfast of two eggs and a piece of toast. He had just opened up the newspaper to the comic section, when his phone rang. It was odd, but Colin had thought nothing of it at the time.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Colin? It’s Dan. Listen, there’s something I need to speak to you about. Could you make it into the studio by three?” Dan never called, unless it was really important. The last time was because of a last second schedule change that had caused them to work through the night. Hopefully, that wasn’t what this was.
“Uh, sure, I guess. What’s this about?” A pause, and Colin felt his stomach drop. Dan pausing was never good, as it meant that there was something bad that he didn’t want to say.
“I would rather wait until both you and Ryan are here. I’d rather not go over everything twice.” That sinking feeling in his stomach? So much worse.
“All right, three o’clock. I’ll be there.”
“Good, thank you. See you then.” Colin placed the phone back in its’ charger and sat down heavily at the table. He pushed the plate with the rest of his food away; suddenly, he wasn’t hungry.
The last time a meeting between only himself, Ryan and Dan had occurred, it had ended with Ryan threatening to leave Whose Line unless Colin was kept on for the American version. Colin could only hope that such a threat wouldn’t be necessary this time. Five hours until three. Fuck.
Though they had arrived separately, Ryan and Colin managed to meet up just outside of Dan’s door at the studio, five minutes until three. Colin had looked at Ryan worriedly, and he had smiled grimly back, implying to Colin that he also had no idea what this meeting was about. Double fuck. They stood there nervously for a moment before Colin decided that one of them had better knock, and it might as well be him. Dan’s voice immediately bade them to enter, and they did so with great trepidation.
Dan’s office was equipped with a desk (burgundy, Colin noticed, the type only achievable with a stain) and two chairs (lightly padded things, chosen more for looks than comfort) opposite, which Colin and Ryan lowered themselves into warily. Dan was busy with paperwork, so the two improvers exchanged matching worried looks as they prepared to wait until Dan was finished. Colin was content to sit there in silence, as this meant that he still had a job for a bit longer, but Ryan had never been good at sitting still. The few times that Colin had ridden on a bus with him for a tour had been torturous. Ryan had to be doing something, playing cards, talking, memorizing lines, just something that wasn’t sitting still doing nothing.
Unfortunately, he had brought nothing to occupy himself this time, and after another minute of silence, Ryan was getting anxious. His leg started moving in an effort to expel the nervous energy that was accumulating in his body, which was starting to make Colin even more nervous than he all ready was. Still, Colin thought to himself, if they could be calm and present a united front, it might throw Dan off balance instead. Softly, he touched Ryan’s arm and gave him a small shake of the head. Almost instantly, Ryan relaxed and nodded back. Message received. When Colin looked back towards the desk, Dan was looking at them with a peculiar expression on his face, one that Colin had never seen before. Self-consciously, he dropped his hand from Ryan’s arm and cleared his throat.
“So, what’s this about, anyway?” It might have just been Colin’s imagination, but Dan actually appeared to be nervous, which really made it seem like bad news for everyone. The sinking feeling from the morning was back.
“Well, I’ve been talking to the ABC executives, and we all agreed that Whose Line needs some more promotion to really get its name out there. Something to draw the fans away from Friends.” Colin relaxed slightly, so far this didn’t seem that bad. Promotion was something they could handle. He didn’t know why Dan was only talking to them, though, and not everyone else, but anything that didn’t end with them getting fired, Colin rather thought of as a good idea.
“So, what are we talking about here? More photo shoots? Commercials? What?” Ryan peppered Dan with questions, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. The slight furrow between his eyebrows showed that he was obviously trying to remember his shooting schedule for the Drew Carey Show in an attempt to figure out when he might be able to squeeze in the time for more promotions. Dan rubbed the back of his neck nervously, and Colin’s anxiety spiked. Ryan caught it and sent him a reassuring look, even as he withdrew from Dan, a silent gesture of support.
“No, not exactly.” Dan paused, as if not sure how to say what the idea exactly was. “You see, one of the big issues right now is gay rights, homosexuality in general, actually. As you’ve probably heard, more and more big name stars are coming out and saying that they’re gay.” The knot in Colin’s stomach grew three sizes; like the Grinch’s heart, but not as good. “The idea was that you two could do something along the same lines, which would hopefully boost our ratings.”
“What? You want us to say that we’re gay?” To Colin, this didn’t seem like that big of a deal. He wasn’t currently seeing anyone, and, to be completely truthful, he hadn’t had a relationship that lasted more than a few months since the late 80’s. Ryan might have more of an issue with this, Colin realized, at least if his claims of dates had any truth to them (Colin had never met any of these supposed dates, so could afford to be skeptical). He glanced over to see how Ryan was taking the news, but found his face to be unreadable, and that he had withdrawn into his chair, away from both Colin and Dan. Both very not good signs. Shit.
“Not exactly.” Again with the ‘not exactly’. Come on Dan, Colin urged mentally, tell us what ‘exactly’ this is before we all grow old and have to use canes to get up the World’s Worst step. Well, maybe Wayne wouldn’t, but he might well have to use real dentures, similar to the ones that he was always pretending to take out. Colin shook himself free of the image of Wayne with no teeth just in time to catch Dan’s next sentence. “We want you to pretend to be a couple.” Oh, was that all? That doesn’t sound so bad. Wait, what?!?!!?
“What?!?!” Ryan had jumped out of his chair as he shouted, sending the poor, abused piece of furniture clattering over backwards. Colin spared it a moment’s glance of sympathy, before turning his full attention back to the scene in front of him. Ryan’s hands were clenched into fists so tight that his knuckles were turning white, and he towered over Dan who was still sitting, cowering slightly in his chair. Dan held up his hands in a placating gesture, which Colin knew from past experience would only make Ryan madder.
“Just for a few months, and then we stage a break up, and you go back to your normal lives,” Dan explained quickly. He had pushed his chair back from his desk, trying to get as far away from Ryan as possible in the small confines of the office. Ryan’s face was turning red, and Colin felt that unless he was sidetracked quickly, he would likely say something that might end up getting the both of them fired (again. Dan was generally pretty quick about rehiring them, but still. it was the principle of the thing).
“What exactly would this entail?” Colin kept his voice purposefully calm and quiet, and Ryan turned to him in shock, anger mostly forgotten (for the moment, at least).
“Colin! You can’t actually be thinking about going through with this!” Colin met Ryan’s gaze levelly, and, as expected, Ryan dropped his eyes first.
“I think that we should at least listen to everything that Dan has to say before deciding on anything, Ryan. Such as why he thinks this is such a good idea. You know that Whose Line is his baby, and that he would never do something to jeopardize it. Hearing him out is the least we can do.” Unspoken between them was the ‘we owe him’ that had been the source of more than one fight between Colin and Ryan. It took him a moment, but Ryan finally sighed and nodded. He righted his chair, taking his time retaking his seat to give Dan a chance to recover his composure.
“Right. Well,” Dan started after clearing his throat. “There are currently no shows on the major networks where two of the principles are in a homosexual relationship with each other. Between the jokes and the running gags that occur each week, I know that there are some people who all ready believe that you two are a couple. We get mail each week to that affect.” Colin nodded, they had read some of it in the green room, and had debated about how best to respond. They had decided that there really was no response they could give, something that Dan was apparently looking to change. “And, really, it shouldn’t be that difficult for you guys. I know that it’s more time in front of the reporters than you generally like, but I really think that it will be great for our ratings, and for your own personal publicity.”
As Dan explained what exactly this would all entail, Colin (and Ryan, against his will) began to warm to the idea. It all seemed simple enough. What could possibly go wrong?
First, you guys will have to act like a couple. This includes doing normal couple things, like going out for dinner, or the movies. If you can, try to make it a highly public place.
Colin nervously tugged at his tie (an ugly purple and gold thing that might have been a gift from his sister some Christmas ago), trying to get it to the point where it wasn’t choking him. He was actually in a suit, something far more Greg’s or Jeff’s style than his own, in an attempt to make this thing look real. Dan had held an interview last week, announcing that Ryan and Colin were gay, and together, and thus tonight was to be their first “date”.
“Relax, Col. It’s just dinner.” Ryan had dressed appropriately for his words, having worn his button down shirt open collar, though he had, at least, opted for the sportcoat and a nicer watch than what he usually wore. If he hadn’t, there was a high probability that Colin would have killed him before this “date” had even started. Even with Ryan’s reassurance, Colin couldn’t help but fidget.
“What if something goes wrong? What if there are reporters here? What if there are reporters here, and we do something that tips them off that we aren’t really a couple? What if…” he was cut off by Ryan’s laughter. Laughter! At a time like this! Their first gay date, probably with camera’s (although, that was sort of the point), and Ryan was laughing at him for worrying about their date going badly. Colin felt his lips twitch. Well, ok. When put that way, it was a tad amusing. Still, as payback, Ryan was totally going to be picking up the check tonight; he just didn’t know it yet.
Their second “date”, thankfully, did not require dinner. It had been awkward enough to sit across the table from Ryan and attempt to make small talk once; doing it again so soon after the last time was unimaginable. Instead, this time they were heading to a premiere that Dan had somehow wrangled invitations for out of the company executives. Colin wasn’t sure that he wanted to know how Dan had managed such a thing, but was vaguely thankful none the less (mostly he was still upset about having to do this in the first place). Dinner last week had been a success (publicity speaking), and had ended with Ryan paying for the meal with a minimal amount of complaining. Unfortunately, it seemed that he was determined to more than make up for that this week. He had shown up to pick up Colin half an hour ago, and hadn’t stopped complaining since. First it was the time of the thing, then it was how Colin’s chosen outfit clashed with his, followed quickly by an entire monologue about the rising price of shoes. Currently, Ryan was trying to talk Colin out of going to the premiere entirely.
“But a premiere?!?! Couldn’t we just go to a regular movie or something? Or dancing? We could do dancing, but I’d have to lead.” Ryan was pacing about Colin’s tiny living room, looking out of place among the cheap furniture in his rather stylish, custom tailored suit, which actually performed the miracle of making him look slender instead of merely skinny. Ryan’s offer of dancing was startling, as he hated dancing, Colin knew, just slightly less than he hated reporters and major events. The reasons for his aversion to dance were still something of a mystery. However, Colin had been able to gleam that it was something about disco, platform shoes, and a low hanging mirror ball. Still, a statement such as Ryan’s last could not go unchallenged.
“Why would you lead? Why couldn’t I lead?” Ryan paused in his pacing to look at Colin like he was an idiot, and for a moment Colin felt like one. Sure, homosexuality was more widely accepted in Canada, but that didn’t mean that he knew much about the in’s-and-out’s of a typical couple. This fiasco with Ryan had shown him that much, at least.
“Everyone knows that the taller person leads in a same-sex couple,” Ryan stated as if it were obvious. Colin raised an eyebrow in response. He had certainly never heard of such a thing.
“I’m pretty sure that whomever was more comfortable leading, would, irregardless of height. In any case, Dan got these invitations for us, and we are going, especially if we still want our jobs come Monday.” Ryan snorted. The threat of firing didn’t work anymore, having been done so many times before (twelve, at Colin’s last count. he was trying not to get unlucky number thirteen).
“You know that he will always hire us back.”
“Doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do this anyway. We both agreed to the publicity, and you saw the numbers for last week’s episode.” They were better than they had ever been, something which had shocked everyone. No one had expected such a fast response. Ryan sighed.
“I know, I know. It’s just,” he ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. “Does it have to be a premiere? They’re always for such stupid movies.” Colin just grinned and held up the invitations. Was that all that was bothering Ryan? Well then, time to put his mind at ease.
“You mean, you didn’t look at the invitations yet? We’re going to the premiere of, wait for it, Die Another Day.” Ryan’s eyes lit up faster than a kid told he can have whatever he wants in a toystore.
“The newest James Bond flick? The one with Halle Berry?” He grabbed the invitations out of Colin’s hand and looked them over for himself. “Come on, what are you waiting for? Get your shoes on, we don’t want to be late!”
Colin complied with Ryan’s hastily given instructions while laughing. He knew that the promise of explosions and hot women would cheer Ryan up.
We’re going to be implying that you’ve been a couple for awhile, but didn’t want to make it public. So, this means that you’ll have to move in together in a couple of weeks. This includes shopping together for the house. You’ll have to decide between yourselves whose place you’ll want to use during this time.
It had been pretty easy to decide that they should live in Ryan’s house, mostly because Ryan actually owned it outright, whereas Colin was renting an apartment for the time that he lived in LA (he was really starting to miss his house in Toronto). Colin had boxed up his few belongings (mostly things that he couldn’t live without) and had thought that this might have actually been the easiest part of their pretend relationship. Wrong, wrong, totally, completely, utterly wrong.
It seemed that Ryan was more of a nitpick than anyone knew. The current battle was taking place in the kitchen.
“No, no, no. The Tupperware goes on this shelf, so that it doesn’t get in the way of anything else.” Colin looked at Ryan. He opened his mouth to debate this, as it clearly got in the way of the champagne flutes and wine glasses, but closed it again with a snap. It was only for a few weeks, and it wasn’t that important anyway. It would be fine.
“All right, what the dishes? Should we just put them in storage somewhere?” The words were barely out of his mouth before Ryan was pawing through the boxes, making derisive noises as he went along. Oh well, it wasn’t as if they were terribly good dishes anyway.
“Well, one thing’s for sure; these are not going on the same shelf with my dishes. Except for these few pieces. They can stay, although I can’t guarantee that you’ll get them back in the divorce.” ‘These’ were the few good pieces that Colin had bothered to gather while here in LA. Most notable of them was a china cake platter, which, strangely enough, almost exactly matched the dishes that Ryan had. Colin looked from the platter to the plates and back again. How on earth had he managed that one?
“Divorce only happens if we get married, which isn’t going to happen. Sorry Ry, I don’t think that California divorce laws apply to regular break-ups.”
“Damn. There goes that idea.” Ryan had resealed the kitchen boxes and was pushing them closer to the front door, where the other boxes of things that Ryan didn’t want in his house had gathered. Said boxes contained most of what Colin had brought with him from his apartment. In fact, other than the few dishes in the kitchen, the only things that had been allowed into the house were Colin’s clothes and toiletries, and even some of those had been a battle. Apparently, having two types of body soap in the house was a disaster waiting to happen.
The trip to the store didn’t go much better.
“I am not eating anything that takes that much effort for such little filling,” Ryan declared of the artichokes. Colin glared at him and placed the bag of carefully selected vegetables back in the cart.
“They taste good, and they’re good for you. We’re buying them.” Ryan glared back and took them back out of the cart to place them on the shelf they came from.
“The only part with any real substance is the heart, and we can get those in canned form. They’re going back.” People were beginning to stare. It wasn’t everyday that you saw two middle aged men standing in the produce section, arguing about artichokes. Colin leaned forward and lowered his voice; there was no reason to encourage the voyeurs, after all.
“I happen to like artichokes. All else fails, I will eat them by myself. Can we please just stop arguing with each other every step of the way and just get out of here? As long as we don’t get multiple of the same item, I think that we’re fine just going through our normal lists.” Ryan looked shocked, and then chagrined.
“Sorry, guess I’m being a bit of a jerk about this whole thing, huh.” He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, and then continued. “I guess I’ve just gotten used to my space, and don’t like anyone in it, even you. I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try to be better.” Ryan tossed the vegetables back into the cart, and Colin smiled slightly.
“Do, or do not,” he said in his best Yoda voice. “There is no try.” Ryan snorted and tossed his arm over Colin’s shoulders.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever old man. Come on, let’s go see if they have any ripe avocados.”
“Ripe avocados? In California? Surely, you must be dreaming.”
“I must be, somehow you and I are ‘dating’.”
“Must be a good dream, then.”
“Or it’s one of yours.”
“I told you, I got the patch for that. I’m not sending you my dreams anymore. Instead, I shall keep them all to myself, and they shall be my preeeccciiiiooouuussss.” As they walked, one of the women they passed turned to her husband.
“Why don’t you ever joke with me like that anymore?” The man glared after Colin and Ryan, and Colin turned slightly to give him a sympathetic look. That was never a good start to any conversation.
I’m not going to lie to you. While sometimes things may be good…
“I’m surprised that Dan told us to do this.” Colin and Ryan were lying on their backs in a park, looking up at the passing clouds.
“I guess he just couldn’t stand us anymore. Hey! What do you think that one is?” Colin pointed at one of the passing clouds. Personally, he rather thought it looked like a…
“A dog, obviously.” Ryan’s comment coincided so neatly with Colin’s thought that he couldn’t help himself and burst out laughing. Ryan laughed too, but obviously didn’t quite understand why they were laughing. “What? You don’t think it looks like a dog?”
“Sure, you always take the easy ones.” Unable to let such a challenge lie, Ryan pointed to a rather elaborate cloud in response.
“Well, how about that one? That one looks like a complete twenty-four piece dinning set,” Colin snorted. They had discussed such a dinning set just last week, when Ryan had declared Colin’s dishes to be insufficient. “With a soup tureen. You see the handle there?”
“Yeah,” Colin allowed. “That, or a bunny rabbit.” They looked at each other, and Colin felt the need to defend himself. “A very complex bunny rabbit!” Ryan laughed at him.
“Or a very Rubenesque breast.” Colin looked at Ryan, who waggled his eyebrows at him.
“You always think they’re breasts. All different kinds.” They laughed together for a moment more, before Colin suddenly stopped and sat up right.
“Oh fuck! We’re going to be late for the dance thing!” It was another promotion that they were supposed to go to. The only reason that it was marginally acceptable for either of them was that it was hosted by ABC, so Drew had been roped into going as well.
“What’s the rush?” Ryan pulled Colin back down, and Colin ended up on his side, half on top of Ryan. Colin sighed in exasperation
“I know what you’re doing.” Ryan looked away, suddenly fascinated with the way the grass was growing, and how some random leaves were interspersed with the blades. “This is all just a stall, right? I know why you don’t want to go.”
Ryan sighed. “Busted.”
“Why don’t you just try to dance, just once?” Colin asked him. “There will be other same-sex couples there, and other guys do it that are just as clumsy.” Ryan snorted.
“Oh, thanks.” Colin rested his head on Ryan’s shoulder and looked over at the people walking past; couples holding hands, laughing together, smiling secret smiles.
“It’s just,” he began softly. “When everybody’s dancing, I feel like I’m all alone, lost in a sea of faces.” They were quiet for a moment, and then Ryan’s arm wrapped itself tightly around Colin’s shoulders.
“What time does this thing start?”
They had made it to the dance on time. Ok, only just, but still. Most everyone had all ready been seated by the time they arrived, and more than one head turned to look at them as they made their way to the table they were sharing with Dan, Drew and their dates. Some people, Colin noticed, looked out of curiosity, while others (mostly younger females) looked at them with something closely resembling lust. They were quite beautiful, but Colin didn’t feel anything for them. He attributed this slightly disturbing fact to growing older, and quickly sat down between Ryan and Dan (best to separate them as much as possible). Drew smirked at them.
“So tell me, how is it, being out and proud and all?” Ryan put on his most flirtatious look and fluttered his eyelashes at Drew.
“Why, Dahrling, it’s excellent. And you know you’re welcome anytime you want to come out of the closet and join Colin and me.” There was an awkward moment of silence, which Colin broke by laughing. Soon, the rest of the table had joined in, and the ice was officially broken. Dinner was served soon after, and it was punctuated by enough laughter that nearby tables joined in after a particularly loud remark. Granted, a good portion of it was Ryan and Drew taking potshots at each other, but there were a few occasions when only Colin or Ryan would laugh at something the other had. Such as the time that Ryan emitted a “snork” sound at the end of a joke. Colin almost ended up shooting water out his nose. Of course, such an indignity couldn’t pass without laughter from Ryan, who did, at least, hand Colin a napkin.
“You ok there, Col?” Colin mock-glared at him.
“Fine, no thanks to you.” Ryan smirked at him.
“Humor, is our profession. Hazards of the trade.” Drew looked between them curiously.
“What was the ‘snork’?” Colin looked at him in shock.
“You don’t know what the ‘snork’ is?” Dan and the females at the table (who had been introduced, but Colin had promptly forgotten their names. he was thinking of calling them girl 1 and girl 2, but didn’t think that would go over very well) appeared equally clueless.
“’Snork’,” Colin explained. “Is what sound the Snorks made when they were excited.”
“The Snorks?”
“Early morning Saturday cartoon from the 80’s? Sorta like smurfs, but underwater with snorkels on their heads?” Light was dawning on Drew and Dan’s faces, but their dates appeared to still be clueless. It was possible that they were too young to remember such things, and Colin suddenly felt very old. He must have shown something of what he was thinking on his face, because Ryan turned slightly to face him, while bumping their shoulders together.
“Obviously, they’re just too lame for such excellence as the Snorks.” Colin nodded sagely in agreement.
“Obviously.” By this time, the music had started and couples were beginning to make their way on to the dance floor. Colin put on his best haughty look and offered his hand to Ryan. “Shall we leave these plebs to themselves?” Ryan grinned and took his hand.
“Lets.” Once they were up, Ryan was still a bit wary of the dance floor, so instead Colin led him over to another table, which was where some other people they knew were seated. They did the customary pleasantries, and Colin was preparing to go into a lengthy conversation when Ryan tugged gently on his hand.
“Yes?” Ryan smiled nervously.
“Dance with me?” The music had changed without Colin noticing, into something much slower. Frank Sinatra’s ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You’, unless he missed his guess. Colin felt himself grin dopily at Ryan, but couldn’t be arsed to fight it.
“Of course.” They moved to the dance floor and found a section that wasn’t too crowded (a precaution against Ryan stepping on anyone’s feet but Colin’s… not that he really wanted that to happen either). They began to dance, in much the same way that they had danced before on stage; slowly, bodies close together, mostly in small circles, with neither really leading. Colin rested his head on Ryan’s shoulder and sighed. It was nice not sitting on the sidelines for a change.
When the song was over, they (along with everyone else) stepped slightly back from each other and began to clap. Live bands really were the best.
They hadn’t noticed the flashbulbs going off during the dance, and were rather surprised to find out that they were on the front page of the entertainment section the next day.
Part 2
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The reasons for his aversion to dance were still something of a mystery. However, Colin had been able to gleam that it was something about disco, platform shoes, and a low hanging mirror ball.
On to part two!!!!
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Great! I'm tottering off now to read part two.......
“Obviously, they’re just too lame for such excellence as the Snorks.”
*spits drink over monitor*