Broken Resolutions

[rycolfan.livejournal.com]

Title - Broken Resolutions
Author - Rycolfan
Rating - PG-13
Pairing - Ryan/Colin (shock horror!)
Summary - Another New Year approaches...but will it be a happier one?
Disclaimer - Only a story...how I wish it was real!
Feedback - Is always adored!

There's a been a lack of ficcage this past week so, to compensate, I wrote this.  It's not one of my best, but hopefully it'll keep you going for a while....I'm looking at you, JJ!  ^_^ x

 

Every time New Year’s Eve came around, I’d make the same resolution; tell him how I feel. 

And every year, I’d break it. 

This endless cycle had been going on for as long as I could remember.  I was always so determined to do it, too, but my courage would fail at that crucial moment. He would look at me questioningly, his smiling face open and trusting, and the words just wouldn’t come. I guess that makes me a coward, but I couldn’t bear to see rejection in those beautiful eyes or, worse, repulsion.

I tried to convince myself that friendship was enough; it was a kind of love, right? We were closer than most brothers, after all. But it wasn’t enough. There was an aching chasm within my soul, which could only be filled with a deeper kind of love; from the one person who set my world alight. It was hardly surprising that my marriage had failed so spectacularly. You can’t give your heart to someone when it’s already taken.

The end of another year approached, and I was no closer to achieving my goal than I had been all those years ago. We were all going out to a party, as usual, which I couldn’t say I was looking forward to particularly. It inevitably ended up with everyone getting completely drunk, and crashing out on the floor of whoever lived nearest.

I slipped my jacket on with a barely audible sigh, and looked into the mirror one final time. I was getting old; my laughter lines now deep set wrinkles, and my hair flecked with gray. Life was passing me by.

A loud knock interrupted my musings, and I adjusted my tie slightly and glanced at the clock before going to open the door.

“Hey,” Colin grinned, looking as gorgeous as ever in a dark blue shirt and black pants. “You ready?”

“Don’t I look ready?” I replied, with fake indignation.

Colin laughed; a playful look in his eyes. “Do you always answer a question with a question?”

I crossed my arms and quirked an eyebrow. “Isn’t that what you’re doing?” 

He shrugged. “So, you’re going like that?”

“What’s wrong with this?” I asked looking down at my attire.

“Isn’t it a bit last season?”

“You’re giving me fashion advice?”

“Don’t you think I know more about it than you?”

“Weren’t you the one in the hideous shirts on Whose Line?”

“Weren’t you the one in the clown shoes?”

“You know what they say about big feet, don’t you?”

“Large shoes?”

“Shouldn’t we be going?”

“Weren’t you the one who started this?”

“Are we going to stand here all night, then?”

Colin laughed and held up his hands. “Okay, you win. Let’s go.” He obviously caught me glancing down at myself a little insecurely, because he laid a hand on my arm and smiled. “Don’t worry; you look great. You’ll have women flocking to your side.”

My heart sank a little, but I forced a smile as we both headed to the car.

 

“Hey, Ry!” Greg called over the din as we pushed our way through the crowd towards the bar. “What’s your poison?”

“I’ll just have a beer for now,” I shouted. “I’ll move on to the stronger stuff later.”

“Col?”

“Same please, Greg.”

“Ryan!  Colin!” Drew grinned, his arm around a scantily clad girl who looked young enough to be his daughter. “Glad you could make it.”

“Just as long as you don’t have karaoke again,” Colin grimaced. “I’m still trying to forget last year.”

I couldn’t help smiling at the memory of Colin trying to sing ‘I will Survive’ the previous year. It had been truly horrific, yet ridiculously funny.

“Sorry, man,” Drew laughed; gesturing to the mic onstage, “but that was just too damn entertaining.”

Colin rolled his eyes, and elbowed me as I snorted loudly. “As long as the drinks come with complementary ear plugs.”

“The dogs in the neighbourhood deserve some entertainment too,” Brad said cheekily from behind us, slinging an arm around Colin’s shoulder as he came alongside. Colin sent a half-hearted glare his way as Chip, Jeff, and Wayne joined the group too.

“Don’t worry about it, man,” Wayne smiled. “Everyone will be too drunk to care by that point.”

 "Let's partaaay," Chip shouted as the music changed.

I positioned myself at a table in the corner, from where I watched everyone else come and go, and drank my way through several bottles of beer. It was amusing to watch the younger members of our group dance, but I had no wish to join them. 

Colin came and collapsed next to me halfway through the evening, after having been dragged into a dance by Brad and Wayne.

“We’re getting way too old for this,” he panted, gulping his drink down.

“Too old for New Year’s? Or just too old for partying?” I asked with a smirk.

He chuckled and set his drink down firmly on the table. “Both. Maybe we should do something else next year.”

This got my attention, and I turned to face him properly. “Like what?” I asked curiously.

He shrugged and sank back against the chair, watching the others continuing to dance. “I don’t know. Maybe we could go on a trip or something. It’s not like either of us have anything to stay around for.”

I glanced down at his bare finger, where a faint mark was still visible; the only sign that a ring had once been there. A tiny spark of hope ignited within me. “I like that plan.”

He turned to smile at me. “Me too, although you might get a better offer in the meantime.”

When I looked confused, he subtly gestured to a woman off to my right who was eyeing me with interest. I turned away from her slightly; hoping that she’d get the message. “I’m not interested.”

“Oh, come on, Ry,” Colin said bracingly; laying a hand on my arm again. “Just because you had one bad experience doesn’t mean you can’t find the right person.”

“Maybe I already have,” I muttered, not sure if I actually wanted him to hear me or not. My words happened to coincide with a lull in the music level.

“Really?” he asked in surprise. “Who is she?”

I looked up into his warm brown eyes, blood pounding in my ears, and opened my mouth to finally tell him the truth. This was it.

“Come on, you two,” Drew shouted, pulling us both out of our seats and completely destroying the moment. “It’s that time again.”

Maybe it was the alcohol which spurred me on, but I made a decision there and then. “Fine,” I replied forcefully, much to Drew and Colin’s surprise, and marched determinedly over to the stage. After a whispered conference with the man in charge of the songs, I headed over to the mic to the sound of thunderous applause. I wasn’t actually very nervous being onstage. It was like a second home to me, after so many years. When the music started and it was my cue, my voice rang out deep and clear.

“Only you can make this world seem right
Only you can make the darkness bright
Only you and you alone
can thrill me like you do
and fill my heart with love for only you

Only you can make this change in me,
for it’s true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand,
I understand the magic that you do

You’re my dream come true,
my one and only you

Only you can make this change in me,
for it’s true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand,
I understand the magic that you do

You’re my dream come true,
my one and only you.”

My eyes locked with Colin’s as I finished, and I saw the realization dawn in them as everyone else cheered and broke into applause. My heart cracked as he turned his back and headed to the exit. Panicking, I threw the mic at Wayne and hurried after Colin; praying that I would catch him.

I pushed the door open and ran outside, almost slipping on a patch of ice on the sidewalk, but a hand shot out to steady me.

“Careful; it’s a bit slippery.”

My head whipped around at the familiar voice. Colin was leaning against the wall, having just lit a cigarette. His expression was intense, but I couldn’t detect any hostility in his gaze. He let go of my arm and I moved to lean against the wall beside him; faint sirens in the distance the only sound breaking the night’s peace.

“Can you at least shout at me, or something?” I asked, when I couldn’t take the silence anymore.

Colin smiled slightly and sighed. “I’m not going to shout at you, Ry.” He dropped his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it firmly, before turning to face me. “I’m going to kiss you.”

The words had barely registered in my brain when his lips met mine, and his body pressed me back against the wall. I felt a brief flash of pain as my head hit the hard concrete, but I barely noticed as I wrapped my arms around the warm body in front of me and tentatively opened my mouth. Colin immediately took advantage of this, and I groaned as our tongues collided enthusiastically. I’m not sure I could have remembered my own name at that moment.

My heart was pounding with excitement when Colin eventually broke the kiss and leant his forehead against mine.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to do that?” he murmured.

I lifted my head and looked at him in surprise; warmth spreading throughout my body and filling the emptiness within my soul. “I’ve been trying to tell you for years.”

He raised a hand and cupped my cheek. “So, tell me now.”

The words had never come so easily to me before, and I rejoiced in being able to say them freely. “I love you, Col.”

Colin’s answering smile lit up his whole face, washing away the years and taking me back to a time when we were both young and care-free. 

“I love you, too.” 

He kissed me again, then shook his head with an amused expression. “We’re both idiots.”

“We’ve been saying that for years,” a familiar voice called from the doorway.

Drew, Jeff, Brad, Chip, Greg, and Wayne were all standing there, grinning like Cheshire cats. Colin groaned and buried his face in my neck while I merely pulled him closer and looked at the group exasperatedly. 

“Okay,” Brad pulled out a notebook and thumbed through the pages quickly. “It looks like Jeff was closest to the mark, so pay up everyone.”

Jeff looked smug as everyone grudgingly pulled out their wallets and handed him money. I stared at the scene, momentarily lost for words.

“You were betting on us?” I managed to splutter, and Colin raised his head curiously.

“Every year, man,” Greg smirked. “We knew you two would work it out eventually; it was just a question of when.”

“Thanks, guys,” Jeff grinned, kissing the wad of money in his hands, and headed back inside gleefully. The others followed, but Drew lingered a moment to place a hand on my shoulder.

“We’re all really happy for you both. God knows it’s been a long time coming.”

“It really has,” Colin agreed, smiling up at me. “Thanks, Drew.”

Once we were alone again, I wasted no time in pulling him into another kiss; revelling in the fact that now I could do it whenever I wanted.  I felt him smile against my lips before taking my breath away once again.

“You want to get out of here?” I asked softly.

He grinned; his eyes full of promise. “Your place or mine?”

“Mine’s closer.”

He slipped his hand into mine securely. “Let’s go.”

As we set off I heard the distant sound of church bells chiming midnight; heralding a new year, and a new beginning.