[FIC] Rose Colored Glasses 7/7

[clayangel.livejournal.com]

Title: Rose Colored Glasses
Author: Clay
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: R
Summary: Vacations should be a time for relaxation, a chance to escape the real world and just have fun, but Colin is quickly coming to find that there’s no escaping fate.
Author’s Notes: About halfway through chapter six I realized that Colin’s story was complete. I do believe that the end of this story was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to write. It had to be perfect. It’s not, of course, but I’m pleased with it. ALSO! After some research I’m convinced this story takes place in 2005 or somewhere thereabout. Which makes me happy because that’s what I had originally thought before I somehow convinced myself my time line was off.



Deb lingered for just a moment longer. She tilted her head ever so slightly, and despite the fact that Ryan couldn’t see her eyes, he knew she was looking at him, watching him, judging him. He blinked and she was gone.

“Shit,” Ryan breathed.

Colin was kicking into gear, still half beneath him, and Ryan moved out of the way, collecting himself as Colin did the same.

“I have to go talk to her,” Colin said once he was decent and on his feet.

Ryan nodded. He felt numb. He knew he should say something. He should try to comfort Colin, assure him that everything would be all right, even if the words were hollow and meaningless, but when he finally got his mouth working again, all that came out was, “Don’t let her tell Pat.”

Colin paused in his crossing of the deck, looking back at Ryan, face a mixture of hurt and understanding. He didn’t respond, but Ryan knew that Colin would try his best. The thought nearly broke his heart.

After Colin had gone, Ryan stayed on deck, just leaning back against the railing and staring up at the stars. It was his own fault they’d been caught, he reflected, and it was very, very unfair of him to ask Colin to suffer the weight of the consequences.

God, he was being selfish.

Ryan slumped down, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, suddenly hating himself. He’d denied his feelings for Colin when they’d first surfaced some twenty-odd years ago, pushed him away, married Pat, and now... now he was going back on the one decision he’d always regretted, and screwing them all over in the process.

Someone was going to get hurt beyond repair if he went through with this affair. Maybe all of them.

But he couldn’t back out. He’d watched Colin as they’d made love, seen the love and the pleasure on his face and was thrilled at the fact that it was all because of him. There was no way he could live without seeing that look on Colin’s face again... but there was still Pat.

Hurting her was the last thing he wanted to do. She was the only woman he ever loved... still loved. Even if he had the sinking suspicion that what he felt for Colin went far beyond that, he wasn’t willing to give her up just yet.

“I really am a bastard.” Ryan said, chuckling mirthlessly as he lifted himself to his feet. He would go back to her now, lie with her and think. Maybe this would all be clearer in the morning.

But three decks down, just as Ryan was approaching the pool, he stopped dead in his tracks. Two figures stood by the edge of the pool, illuminated by the moon. Deb was facing Colin, breathing harsh, hands balled into fists at her sides. Colin seemed just the opposite, lax and far too calm. Neither were speaking.

Ryan slipped into the shadows of the overhang of an upper deck and watched.

Eventually Colin sighed and said “Yes” to some unheard question. Deb seemed to cave in on herself at this response, but in an instant she was standing tall again, mouth opening.

But whatever reply she had was cut off as Colin hurriedly continued, “It’s not what you think. Nothing happened... not... not until after.”

It struck Ryan then that they were talking about him, and he immediately wanted to kick himself for being so dumb. Of course they were talking about him. Deb had just caught them with their pants down; what else would they be talking about?

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

Colin lowered his head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered so quietly that Ryan had to convince himself he hadn’t imagined it. “...Don’t tell Pat.”

Deb laughed then, and both Colin and Ryan looked to her in surprise. Her fists were still clenched at her sides, and even at a distance there was no mistaking the angry smile cut across her face.


“Tell Pat? I have no intention of telling Pat.” Her voice lowered, calm and deadly, and Ryan had to strain to hear the rest of her words. “You know what’s going to happen, don’t you?” She paused, smile dropping off her face. “You’ll have your little affair, and Ryan will feel guilty. He’ll ignore it at first, but it’ll eat at him. Maybe it will be weeks from now, maybe years, but he’ll leave you. He’ll resent you for taking him away from his family and this...” She waved her hands about indistinctly, scowling. “...this thing will destroy you. So, no. I have no intention of telling Pat, because that would make this far too easy.” She nodded to herself and took a step back. She almost sounded sad as she looked him over, words still barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry, Colin, but I want to see you suffer.”

And there wasn’t a damn thing Colin could say to that.

Ryan watched it all with a detached sort of horror, feeling Deb’s words cut at him, slow and steady, hacking away with a dull blade. More than anything he wanted to go out there and take Colin in his arms, assure him that Deb was wrong and nothing would ever tear them apart. But he couldn’t.

So he watched. He watched as Deb turned on her heels and stalked away. He watched as Colin just stared after her, not moving, barely breathing. He watched until the sight was just too much to bear.

“Col?”

Colin started and turned to him, watching Ryan now as he crept out of the shadows and into the moonlight. He smiled gently.

“How much of that did you hear?”

Ryan shrugged. “Enough.” He could see it in Colin’s eyes, the set of his mouth. Colin was going to try and comfort him when it should have been absolutely the other way around. He was starting to get angry at himself for doing this to Colin, at Colin for not even trying to get angry in return. “She’s probably right, you know.” He didn’t know why he said other than the fact that it was the truth, and he didn’t know how he expected Colin to respond, maybe with shock or fury, but if that were the case, then he was sorely mistaken.

Because Colin just nodded very slightly. “I know.”

“What do you want to do?” Do it, Ryan thought, tell me I’m an asshole and a coward and that we should forget this ever happened. Colin was the logical one, the sane one, and Ryan had grown dependant on him being the voice of reason in their relationship. Colin would make the hard decisions so Ryan didn’t have to.

But Colin just sighed and said, “I don’t know.”

Damn it.

“I won’t leave Pat.” Get angry, damn you. Yell at me. Scream at me. Tell me you never want to see me again. That, at least, I know we’ll be able to work through.

But again, Colin sighed and nodded. “ I know.”

“Fuck.” Ryan couldn’t take it anymore. He crossed the few feet between them and wrapped his arms around Colin, drawing him into a tight hug. Colin’s whole body was strung through with tension, but he seemed to melt into the embrace, pillowing his cheek against Ryan’s shoulder, hands coming up to clutch at the material over his back.

Ryan closed his eyes, wishing to God that Colin didn’t feel so good in his arms.

“We can’t do this,” he whispered.

“I know.”

“I’m so, so sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Colin pulled back slightly to look into his eyes. He was smiling now, but in his eyes Ryan could see nothing but pain. “This is what you have to do.”

Ryan only tightened his hold further. “I don’t have to do anything,” he wanted to say, but that wouldn’t be fair. Instead he leaned down and kissed Colin, slow and soft. It felt like a goodbye, but Ryan couldn’t let go just yet.

“Come on,” he said against Colin’s lips. He took Colin’s hand and led him to a deck chair, laying down and then pulling Colin with him so that the other man was practically on top of him.

Colin didn’t hesitate, but once he was down he asked, “What are we doing?”

“Sleeping,” Ryan said and closed his eyes.

He could hear Colin’s frown. “You should sleep in your cabin.”

And leave you alone? Ryan snorted. I don’t think so. “This is our last night here,” he said, murmuring the words into Colin’s hair, “I’m spending it with you.

Colin didn’t answer right away. He relaxed, breathing deeply. When he did speak, it was very quiet. “This will only make things harder.”

“Good.”

He felt Colin’s surprise, but he didn’t open his eyes, just lay a kiss on his temple and said, “Leaving you shouldn’t be easy.”


The looks they were receiving would have been funny had Ryan not been in such a foul mood. He woke with the sun in his eyes, harsh and high in the sky; people were milling about, making full use of the yacht’s amenities before they’d all have to return to reality. There was confusion, a little disgust and even a few smiles on the faces of the men and women who caught his eyes as he awoke, and surprisingly enough, it was that last that hurt the most.

Colin was tucked against his front, just starting to stir himself, and Ryan pulled him in close, a tight, protective hug before he had to force himself to let go. He felt it when Colin was fully awake, a stiffening in his back and shoulders, and without thought, Ryan laid a quick kiss to the nape of his neck in an attempt to calm him, but this just intrigued the passers by further, and Ryan drew away.

“What time is it?”

Colin’s voice was adorably thick with sleep as he checked his watch and replied, “Almost ten.”

“Shit.” Pat and Deb would have been up for nearly an hour. “We have to get up.”

Colin nodded, cringing as he sat up. The hard plastic of the chair was wreaking havoc on both their backs. Ryan hoped Pat remembered to pack his pain relievers.

Pat...

She had been more than understanding when he had spent the night with Colin on the beach, but now Ryan had to wonder if it was obvious that he was avoiding her. They hadn’t made love since their second night aboard, and though Ryan thought he should be feeling negligent in that respect, guilty even, he couldn’t muster up the will to do so, not when the sight of Colin mussed with sleep, smiling vaguely at him in the morning light made up for it ten fold.

“Do we have any plans for today?” Colin asked.

Ryan realized that he’d been staring. He grinned, willing himself to find that guilt and focus on it, on something, anything other than how kissable Colin looked.

“I have to go find Pat.” The second the words were out, Ryan wanted to take them back. The smile dropped off Colin’s lips in an instant, but that was what he’d wanted, wasn’t it? Remind Colin that he was married and was going to stay that way?

“Right. Of course.” Suddenly Colin was smiling agin, and it was the worst imitation of a smile Ryan had ever seen. He stood, still watching Ryan as he backed away. “I’m going to go take a shower. I’ll see you later.” And without even waiting for a reply, he turned and fled.


Ryan had expected at least an hour or so to compose himself before facing Pat, but there she was the moment he stepped in the door, perched on the bed, gazing out the window. She turned as the door opened, smiling brightly.

“Hey, honey.”

Ryan smiled but said nothing. He wasn’t sure what would come out of his mouth if he opened it.

“Spend last night with Colin?”

She was still smiling as she asked, patting the space next to her on the bed, inviting him over as though everything was perfectly fine, but he heard the unasked questions hanging in the air. The night on the beach had been different. She had assumed he’d spent the night in their cabin, but this time that wasn’t an option. He could see it in her eyes: Where did you sleep last night? Did you sleep at all? What aren’t you telling me?

But if she wasn’t willing to ask, then he had no obligation to answer. He joined her on the bed and gave her a brief hug.

“Yeah. It was our last night. I had to spend it with him.”

Pat nodded, leaning into his side as she returned to looking out the window.

“And Deb? Are they going to be okay?”

Dear Lord, how to answer that? Ryan finally settled on the truth. “No. It’s not... not fixable.”

“That’s such a shame. They were so perfect together.”

And Ryan had to see the truth in that. Colin and Deb had always completed each other in their own way. Still did. Oh, maybe not as well as he and Colin, but...

... but best to stop that train of thought right there.

So he went down a different track, unwilling to delve into that particular subject but unable to think of anything else.

“He’s moving out west, you know.”

“Oh?” Pat was still watching the sky, her tone obviously telling him that she was only half listening. After a moment, however, she tilted her head to one side and then slowly turned to look at Ryan. There was a quirk to her lips, new questions in her eyes as she searched his. “Did he tell you why he was divorcing Deb?”

“No,” Ryan said. Pat stared at him for a moment longer, studying him. He couldn’t take it. He turned away, shrugging. “He said something about not wanting to be married anymore, but he never went into details.”

“I see.”

He felt her weight leave the bed and glanced up. Pat crossed toward the door, scooping up purse and room key as she went. She reached for the handle, and Ryan opened his mouth to ask just what was going on, where she was heading off to in such a hurry, but before a word had left his lips she looked back to him, gaze closed, lips cutting a straight line across her face.

“I think that was the first time you ever lied to me.”


When Colin found him an hour later, leaning on the railing as the first hint of land formed on the horizon, Ryan was still mulling those words over. She had left immediately after speaking them, and he hadn’t stopped her. He had wanted to, but for once common sense overruled emotion. He wouldn’t have been able to deny the accusation, and he wasn’t yet ready to answer questions.

Truth be told he was starting to regret that decision. He couldn’t afford to be fighting with his wife. Not now.

“Hello.”

Ryan didn’t look up. “Hey.”

Colin sidled up beside him, brushing their arms as he joined Ryan in watching the horizon. “What’s wrong?”

Ryan opened his mouth, closed it again. It wouldn’t be fair to Colin to ask for his advice on this. He heaved a deep sigh and turned slightly to his friend, wondering if he could muster up the strength to tell another tremendous lie in such a short time and paused. Colin was looking at him with such concern and such love that Ryan just had to smile. “Nothing,” he said. “Everything is fine.” And it wasn’t a lie, not anymore.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Ryan said with absolute certainty, now grinning like mad. He turned to face Colin completely, pleased when Colin followed suit. He lifted his arms. “Give me a hug.”

“What?” Colin said around a chuckle, but he folded himself into the embrace nonetheless, returning the pressure of Ryan’s arms without hesitation.

Ryan breathed in deeply, pressing his cheek to Colin’s.

“You’re acting strange,” Colin whispered against his ear.

“Because you’ve been the picture of mental health all week...” It was said in jest, but still Colin tensed at the words, and Ryan squeezed him tighter. When they parted, Colin was frowning.

“Pat is looking for you.”

Ryan ignored the obvious jealousy coloring his tone and continued to smile. “Then I guess I should go find her.” He looked out over the ocean again, and the smile faltered for just an instant. “We’ll be docking in a few hours. I’ll find you again before then.”

Colin nodded and turned away as Ryan went off in search of his wife.



“He’s in love with me.”

For Ryan the truth had always seemed the best course of action. He found that more often than not it came to his lips with ease. He seemed to have forgotten that as of late. And he’d been lying to himself for years when it came to Colin, but it hadn’t been easy. And it wasn’t right. If he’d only told the truth all those years ago, he wouldn’t be having this conversation now.

Pat looked up from her packing curiously, taking a moment to look Ryan up and down. “I think I knew that.”

Of course he wouldn’t have Pat, Mac, Sam or Claire either, and he wasn’t about to give them up for anything. Not for all the money or all the fame or, he told himself, wondering at the tinny, rusted sound of the words even in his own mind, for Colin.

The truth also carried with it a certain sense of freedom. An indescribable weight lifted itself from Ryan’s shoulders, and for the first time in days he could meet his wife’s eyes without guilt.

“So how did you break it to him?”

Ryan blinked. “What?”

Pat shrugged as she went back to folding her clothes. “That you didn’t feel the same.”

“I...” Oh. Damn. Now what? Ryan raked a hand through his hair and crossed the room to slump down on the bed. When he didn’t answer right away, Pat paused once again in her task, twisting around to look at him.

“Ryan?”

“I didn’t.”

“You...” Pat frowned. “All right.” Ryan risked the slightest glance at her, surveying her reaction without meeting her eyes. She had turned around completely now, still sitting on the floor, folds of yellow cloth draped over her hands. “Why? You haven’t had the chance?”

Wouldn’t it be simple had that been the truth? “No.”

“Then you do feel the same?”

She didn’t sound surprised or even upset, just curious.

“I love you,” Ryan said, finally daring to meet her gaze. That, at least, wasn’t a lie.

“But you love him, too?”

“Of course. He’s my best friend.” He couldn’t keep from sounding defensive.

Pat was frowning again. She stood, leaving the clothes behind, letting the pale yellow cloth tumble from her fingers to pool at her feet, and then came to sit by him, watching him all the while.

“Ryan,” she said again, tentative and curious, “what are you telling me?”

“I...” He turned away, slammed his eyes shut and took a breath, opened them again and forced himself to meet her gaze. “Nothing. Just answering the question.”


“I lied to her.”

Colin nodded. He was exactly where Ryan had left him, and his eyes were still on the horizon and the now rapidly approaching strip of land. There was a thin white line of beach and then a gray and coral mix of buildings rising from it, all still mostly indistinguishable at their distance.

Colin continued to watch the skyline and water, not saying anything for a moment. Ryan felt the urge to explain himself.

“I just... she can’t...”

“No, it’s okay. I understand.” Colin looked to him then, smiling. “We all do what we have to do.”

God damn it, there was so much hurt in his eyes, and he was just smiling like none of it mattered, like his heart wasn’t breaking. It was more than Ryan could deal with just then. He pushed himself forward, trapping Colin in a tight hug.

“No, it’s not. It’s not fair.”

“Ryan...” Colin chided gently, trying in vain to pry the other man from him, but Ryan just squeezed tighter, breathing in the scent of him, needing to remember this moment.

“If I could do anything...” Ryan trailed off, a choked whisper fading to nothing.

“This is how things are,” Colin told him firmly, and the finality of his tone forced Ryan to let go. “We both know this is for the best,” Colin said, holding Ryan at arm’s length and meeting his eyes with determination. Ryan couldn’t speak. He could only stare in wonder. Colin was so strong, stronger than anyone, himself included, had ever given him credit for.

As they continued to stare at each other, Colin’s eyes slowly softened. “Please,” he said, the conviction all but gone from his voice, “don’t make this harder.”

“I don’t want to forget,” Ryan whispered, leaning in to brush his lips over Colin’s.

But Colin jerked back before they could touch. He spun and stalked away, but Ryan wasn’t about to let him leave.

“Col, wait...” Ryan jogged after him, laid a hand on his shoulder.

“Stop it,” Colin said, stilling but refusing to face him.

“Colin–“

“Seriously, Ryan. Don’t.” He drew in a deep breath and the next time he spoke, the hard edge was gone from his voice. “We’ll see each other in a few weeks.”

Unconsciously, Ryan’s hand tightened on Colin’s shoulder. “I can’t wait that long.”

“Wait?” Colin said, a mirthless chuckle escaping his lips as he tugged away, turned to look at Ryan. “We go for months without seeing each other. Three weeks is nothing.”

But it was. Ryan couldn’t imagine not seeing Colin again for three days much less weeks. “Everything is different now.” Ryan needed to reach out to him, but Colin was staring at him with such disbelief, such incredulity that it stayed his hand.

“No,” Colin said, “it’s not.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Ryan...” Colin shook his head, backing up another step. “You said it yourself last night; we can’t do this. Everything has to go back to the way it was.”

And of course he was right; Colin was always right, but, “I can’t.”

“What about Pat?” The anger was back in his voice.

“God damn it, what about her?”

And oh, Hell, he hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t even realized he’d been thinking it.

Colin stared at him. His deep brown eyes were absolutely unreadable. His lips were parted, sucking in quick, shallow breaths. Very slowly his eyes closed and he said, completely monotone, “I’m going to leave now. I have packing to do. I suggest you do the same.”

“Col...”

Colin tensed at that one, simple sound, but he remained where he was, eyes closed.

“Colin–“

“You can’t have everything,” Colin said suddenly. “You have to choose.”

Colin opened his eyes. He watched Ryan for a moment and then let out a shuddering breath. “I think you’ve already made that choice.” He turned and walked away, and Ryan didn’t try to stop him. There was nothing more to say. He watched Colin go, knowing the thought was absurd, but wondering if they’d ever have anything to say to each other again.

“Ryan Lee Stiles...”

Ryan forced himself not to growl at the superior tone. He simply stared at the place where Colin had disappeared, waiting as Deb’s heels clicked closer and closer.

“You heard that, didn’t you?”

Her smirk was evident in her tone. “Every word,” she said. The holier-than-though facade faltered and eventually fell away completely when she said, “I suppose neither of us get him.”

She was the very last person Ryan wanted to talk to. “I’m sure that makes you happy,” he said then and started away, but Deb didn’t seem to take the hint. She kept up with him step for step.

“You’d think.”

He tried to ignore her, to step up his pace and just get away, but she wasn’t going anywhere.

They were halfway across the ship when Deb spoke again. “Come with me,” she said, twisting her fingers into his sleeve and giving a sharp tug. “I need a stiff drink like no one’s business. I think you do, too.”

“Actually,” Ryan said, not looking at her, trying to not even think of her, “I’m going to finish packing with Pat. My wife.”

“Uh huh.” He could hear the smile around the words. She pulled on his sleeve again. “Come. We’re getting drunk.”

“Deb–“

“Don’t “Deb” me. Don’t you dare.”

The smile was gone as quickly as it had come, and Ryan let himself be pulled back the way they’d come until they found the ship’s bar. It was empty. The bartender himself was escorting the last two patrons out the door, hand already poised on the lock.

“I’m sorry,” he said, smiling politely at Ryan and Deb. “We’re closed for the duration of the trip.”

“No.” Deb frowned. She stared at him a moment and then abruptly turned to Ryan. “Give him some money.”

“What?” Ryan managed to ask around a laugh.

“Money. Now.” She snapped her fingers three times in quick succession inches from his face. She looked back to the bartender just as Ryan was reaching for his wallet. “Hundred dollars, American?”

The bartended was staring at her with wide eyes, mouth hanging open.

Deb nodded. “Hundred dollars,” she affirmed. “Ryan?”

Ryan was still laughing, shaking his head as he flipped through bills. Eventually he pulled some out and held them up. “I have eighty.”

“Good enough.” Deb snatched the money from his hand and shoved it toward the bartender.

He stared at her.

Deb didn’t even blink. She fluttered the bills and then pressed them to his chest. “Will this buy us a bottle of tequila?”

“I...” The bartender finally took the money, smiling bemusedly. “Yeah, okay. Come on in.”

Deb smirked at his retreating back before turning her gaze to Ryan once more. “Shall we?”

Ryan shook his head again, smiling. “This had better be some damn good tequila.”

Ten minutes and three shots later and Ryan still had no idea what he was doing there. Deb had been right when she’d suggested that getting a drink was an appealing prospect, but he couldn’t afford to get drunk, not when they’d be off the boat in less than two hours, and there was still packing to be done.

“You have to love this stuff,” Deb said suddenly, refilling her glass with the amber liquor. “Goes straight to your blood.” She offered the bottle with raised eyebrows, and Ryan knew that he shouldn’t, but he held his glass out anyway.

They clinked glasses and swallowed, both cringing as the liquor hit their throats. Ryan was a beer drinker, and Deb mostly enjoyed wine, so tequila was a bit vile for either of their palettes. The burning subsided and Ryan coughed into his fist.

“Good stuff,” Deb said with only a slight slur. She refilled her glass yet again, but left it sitting on the table before her.

Ryan watched her. She was staring down at the table, eyes glazed, though he doubted it had anything to do with the alcohol.

“Deb?”

“Mm?” She didn’t look up.

“Why are we here?”

“Drinking,” she said quietly.

“But... don’t you hate me?”

The question seemed to honestly confuse her. Deb met Ryan’s eyes, frowning. It took her a moment to respond, reaching across the table to lay her hand on his as she did. “This isn’t your fault, honey,” she said, giving his fingers a brief squeeze. “Colin and I... this has been a long time coming.”

Ryan allowed himself a small smile, thinking the words applied so well to his own situation. “I think I understand that.”

She smiled back, a sad acknowledgment, and then drew away, sitting back and taking up her glass once more, rolling it between her hands, the golden liquid shimmering in the dull light. Even now she was far more collected than Ryan would have expected, and he actually felt a surge of anger at Colin for putting her through the last few days.

“Do you hate him?”

She was still smiling down at her drink. “I could never.” She sighed and then threw back her head, downing the tequila in one swallow. “I’m angry,” she said once she’d replaced the glass on the table top, “but that won’t last. I think... for now... I want to try and be his friend.”

Ryan grinned. “You two were good together.”

Deb actually laughed. “Hell, we were great together.” She licked her lips, reached for the bottle, hesitating just inches from it. “But that’s over now.” Her hand dropped to the table, eyes on Ryan’s. “Time to move on. The question is: what are you going to do?”

Ryan’s face darkened. “I have a family.”

Deb snorted, shaking her head derisively. She picked the bottle up and refilled both their glasses. “That’s your decision?”

“It is.”

“Life is too short for regrets, darling. You have a once in a lifetime opportunity here. Don’t blow it.”

Ryan couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going through her mind. “I’m not... I can’t give up my wife,” he said incredulously.

“You think I’m giving up Colin?” Deb scoffed, gesturing at him with her glass, tequila sloshing over the sides. “If there’s one good thing that came out of this marriage... well, it would be Luke,” she said with a smile, “but if there were two, that second would be that I’ve made the best friend I will ever have.”

She lifted the glass to her lips but didn’t drink. “A friend I’m not happy with right now,” she said softly. “But give me time. And if you don’t take him...” Her eyes lifted to Ryan’s and she downed her drink. “... I will find a way to get him back.”

This conversation was bordering on insane. Ryan shook his head, unable to keep from grinning at her. “Wait. Do you want me to have an affair with Colin just so I’ll leave him and then you can pick up the pieces?”

“Maybe.” Deb smirked and reached for the bottle yet again. Her fingers closed around the neck and the smile faltered. “I just want him to be happy.”


Pat was sullen as they stepped back on land. Ryan had tried to cheer her up, tried to keep a smile on his face, but it kept fading. He would drift away, imagining Colin. He could see his face, they joy in his eyes as they’d played hide and seek, the lust illuminated by the moon when they’d lain together on the beach, naked and wet, the sorrow, the anger of their last goodbye.

He’d gone to Colin’s cabin just as they were docking, but it had been empty.

And Colin was right; this was no big deal. They would see each other in three weeks. Nothing had changed. If only he could convince himself of that.

Well, if he couldn’t do that, then he could forget.

Ryan walked side by side with his wife, one foot in front of the other. Just get to the information desk and phone a taxi. Get on the plane. Go home. See the kids. Ryan smiled.

“I miss the kids,” he mused aloud.

Pat smiled for the first time since stepping foot off the boat. “Me too.” She lay a hand on his arm and squeezed gently. “We’ll see them soon.”

Just the thought of his children had Ryan almost forgetting the agony of the past twenty four hours, past twenty four years. He could see them in his mind’s eyes, their eyes lighting up at the sight of their parents, happy to see them home and safe. He couldn’t wait to scoop Claire into his arms again, to sit down and play video games with Sam or have a nice long talk with Mac as she went on and on about anything and everything that had happened while he was away.

It had him suddenly giddy, and he grinned at Pat and said, “Let’s race.”

She just smiled. “Sure, hon.”

“Really?”

“No, not really.” She shook her head, still grinning. “There are people here. We’ll run into someone, and besides, we’re not kids anymore.”

“Colin would race.” The words slipped out before Ryan even realized he was thinking them.

Pat scowled and turned away, facing front as they continued to walk. “I’m not Colin.”

Ryan watched her. She seemed far away and he wondered if she was remembering all the things she’d come across over the past week.

“I think you’ve been away from the stage too long,” she said quietly.

Maybe that was true. Not too long ago he’d been burnt out on improv. He couldn’t wait to get home and stay home, hide away, let life calm down, but that didn’t last. He’d funded the Upfront Theatre and that had held him over, but even the club wasn’t enough these days. It wasn’t that he wanted to be in the public’s eye, far from it, but he missed his friends, Greg, Brad, Drew and of course Colin. He would get Colin at least. They could play, keep him sane.

And he’d married Pat for a reason. He could go home to her every night, had been for the last 16 years. She would be enough. She had to be.

“Just one race?” He was almost begging, but this was important.

“Ryan...”

“Come on!”

He didn’t wait for an answer, didn’t expect one but took off anyway, praying that she would be right there behind him. He didn’t dare turn to look, just ran, suitcase thumping heavily against his thigh, causing him to stumble and swerve through the mass of people. He bumped into more than one person but never even paused to apologize, even at the yelp of pain when his suitcase jammed into a woman’s side.

He dropped the case just inches from the information booth, throwing up both hands to rebound soundly off the desk. He heaved deep, erratic breaths, aiming a wild grin at the girl behind the desk, amused, no, thrilled at her wide eyes and down turned lips.

“Ryan?” It came out on a laugh, and Ryan could only chuckle in return.

He was still panting, cheeks flushed when he turned to his right and met Colin’s eyes. Colin looked to have been waiting patiently for his turn. He was smiling, and that made Ryan want to grab him and race some more, chase each other through the port until their legs gave out, and all they could do was collapse in exhaustion.

“I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Colin laughed, taking in Ryan’s near giddiness, feeling it rubbing off on himself in an instant. “Well, you know... taxi...” He waved his hand indistinctly.

The clerk and her current clients were starting to lose interest.

“Going to the airport?”

“Yes.”

“Wanna share?”

Something in Colin’s gaze grew dark. He glanced over Ryan’s shoulder. “Where’s Pat?”

“Oh.” Ryan finally dared a look back, but she was nowhere in sight. “We were racing.”

“Looks like you lost her.”

“Yeah...” Ryan licked his lips and turned back. Colin was still smiling at him, distant, off somehow. “Well, she, um... She didn’t want....” Colin watched him, listening dutifully. His adams apple bobbed as he swallowed, his eyes behind his glasses were dark and unreadable. His lips parted very slightly, soft pink against his skin.

“Fuck. Col, let’s do it.”

“Do...?” Colin blinked at him, brow furrowing in confusion for just a moment before realization dawned on his face. “No, Ryan,” he said. His eyes slid over to the people still half listening and then swallowed thickly, voice lowering to a near whisper. “God, no, we talked about this. I... You can’t. I can;t.”

“No, you don’t understand.”

His hands darted out to grasp at Colin’s forearms, and Colin dropped his suitcase in surprise. He tried to extricate himself, but Ryan wasn’t letting go. He moved in close to say, “Deb. She told me... she...” But Colin was frowning now, shaking his head, not understanding, and Ryan had no words to make him understand, so he gave up and spoke the truth. “I’ve made my choice.”

Hope sprung, small but insistent in Colin’s eyes, squashed almost immediately by doubt.

“You don’t mean that.”

And Ryan actually laughed. “You know,” he said, leaning in further until the tip of his nose bumped Colin’s cheek, “despite popular theory, you can’t read my mind.”

Colin sucked in quick, uneven breaths, let out soft exhales that ghosted over Ryan’s mouth. “Please, Ryan,” he said. “Don’t do this.”

Ryan just grinned wider, teeth flashing, an off balance chuckle wavering his voice. “I have to.”

Ryan had no idea who moved first, but suddenly he was kissing Colin, and Colin was kissing him right back. Colin’s hands were in his hair, gripping his skull tight, holding him down so that Ryan couldn’t have been able to pull back even had he wanted to. Not that Ryan noticed. He was too busy fisting his hands in the back of Colin’s shirt, yanking him forward until they were crushed together. It was mindless desperation, hard, cruel passion, vented desire.

Colin eventually loosened his grip, but Ryan still didn’t let up. He only pulled back enough to speak, mouth still resting against Colin’s.

“I love you,” he said.

Colin nodded wordlessly, eyes closed, throat working hypnotically. His lips were dark from the force of the kiss, and without a thought, Ryan lifted a hand to trace them with one fingertip.

So much was at stake here. He was going to ruin his life for this man, but he could see no other option. He had said that he’d made his choice, but he wasn’t sure he had ever had a choice to begin with.

“I’m going to tell Pat.”

Colin opened his eyes. He studied Ryan, pupils tripping back and forth as he looked into his eyes, and then Colin’s gaze slid away, focusing on something just over Ryan’s shoulder. His hands fell to his sides. He tensed very slightly, but when he spoke, his voice remained calm.

“I think she already knows.”

Those words should have had Ryan cursing a blue streak, but on the contrary, he had never felt more collected in his life. He finally untangled himself from Colin, took a step back, and turned to face his wife.

Tears shone brightly in her eyes, though her cheeks remained dry. Her lips were parted, breathing loud and ragged. Her eyes skipped from Ryan to Colin and then back to her husband, and she nodded. The slight movement seemed to break the fragile tension holding her together, and a tear slid down her cheek.

Instinct had Ryan wanting, needing to go to her, hug her tight and tell her everything was going to be okay, but he could feel the heat of Colin’s body on his back, still so close, and stayed put.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said.

“You’re sorry?” Pat laughed, weak and wet with tears. Her eyes squeezed shut, head falling back. “Oh, God... Oh my God...” Her head fell forward, and she buried her face in her hands, mumbling to herself through her fingers. “What... now what? What do I do? What am I supposed to do?”

She was talking to herself, shutting Ryan out, but even still, Ryan knew he had to go to her. Colin was still so unsure, though, fine tremors through his body brushed his chest against Ryan’s back. Ryan spun on him, taking Colin’s cheeks between his palms, laying a quick kiss to his lips and ignoring Pat’s sudden sob to focus on the man before him.

“I want you,” he said before drawing back to go to his wife.

“Pat...” She was glaring at the ground now, knuckles going from pink to white as she gripped the handles of her suitcases and hoisted them up. She didn’t answer, didn’t even look up. “Pat...” Ryan said again, coming to stand before her and laying a hand on her shoulder. “...honey...”

“Don’t touch me!” She screamed, jerking back and meeting his eyes. He’d never seen her look like that before, so full of pain and fury. “Don’t...” Her voice broke, fresh tears welling in her eyes. “Just don’t.” She let out a shuddering breath and then turned, walking away with stiff, jerky movements. Ryan watched as the crowd swallowed her. He could go after her. He should go after her, but he knew it would do no good. She needed time. There was a sharp sting behind his eyes, and Ryan knew he needed time, too.

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

Colin was right behind him again, not touching him, voice soft, strained.

“No,” Ryan agreed. “I should have done it a long time ago.”

There was a tickle at his elbow, and Ryan knew that Colin was there, toying with his sleeve, probably not even thinking about it, needing to touch even now, especially now.

“Ryan?”

Ryan turned to him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he recognized that they’d gained quite an audience, but he didn’t care. It was all he could do not to cry himself, and when he met Colin’s eyes, found the war of emotion, love and pain and hope and still so much disbelief, it only got harder.

“Can I go home with you?” It sounded stupid in his head and even worse aloud.

Colin didn’t call him on it, though, didn’t even think it. He searched Ryan’s eyes. “Yes. Of course.”

And suddenly it was too hard to stand there alone. Ryan flung himself into Colin’s arms, squeezing him tightly. Colin slowly twined his arms around Ryan, hugging him back.

“Now what?” Colin whispered into Ryan’s neck, echoing Pat’s words, but this time Ryan had an answer.

“Now,” he said, drawing back, loving the fact that Colin kept him in a loose embrace, especially when he still looked so uncertain,”life goes on.” He moved to place a soft kiss on Colin’s lips. “I want mine to go on with you... if you’ll still have me.”

Colin smiled and hugged Ryan tighter, any trace of doubt fading away. It softened the pain of Pat’s sudden departure, and Ryan knew then that he would never see anything as beautiful as Colin’s smile for the rest of his life. It still hurt, and a part of him wanted to curl up and sleep just so he didn’t have to think about it any longer, but that part was getting smaller, shrinking more with every second that Colin smiled at him.

“Do you still want me?” Ryan asked, and he found he was smiling himself now.

Colin laughed quietly. He ran one hand along Ryan’s jaw, coaxing him down, tilting his own face up to meet Ryan’s lips. “Always.”

***

“Well it’s about time,” Greg said, folding his arms over his chest and snorting softly. He smiled, looking between Ryan and Colin. The others were grinning at them similarly, huddled around the small couch Ryan and Colin sat on in the green room.

Ryan’s hand tightened around Colin’s. “I just thought you guys should know.”

“So are you two, like, boyfriends now...?” Chip asked from the back of the group.

Ryan looked to Colin, and Colin grinned. He turned to Chip and took it upon himself to say, “We’re friends.”

Jeff laughed. “I think you have a twisted idea of what makes a friend.”

That had them all laughing, all except Ryan and Colin. They just smiled.

Brad took up a seat in an armchair facing the couch, watching Colin curiously. “You’re not going to want to do all your games together now, are you?”

“Oh, Hell no!” Ryan laughed. He was toying with Colin’s fingers. “We’ll do enough of that at home. Definitely want to mix it up.”

“So... you’re living together?”

Colin and Ryan looked to each other again.

“We will be,” Ryan said, slowly pulling his gaze away to look around at the others. He picked up Colin’s hand and laid it in his lap, thumb rubbing small circles over the soft skin of his palm. “We’re working on it.”

Eventually conversation moved to different topics once it became obvious that Ryan and Colin were still the same men the group had always known. It was Jeff that realized the time, jokingly demanding that they get to the dressing room to don their microphones and get backstage.

Colin lingered as everyone left, and Ryan waited for him, watching him. When they were alone, Colin asked, “Are you okay?”

Ryan smiled and stood. “Are you ever going to stop asking me that?”

“I’m not the one who was kicked out of his house.”

Possibly not the best thing to say, but Ryan just continued to smile down at him and extended one hand. “I’m fine,” he insisted as Colin let himself be pulled to his feet, “but I’d be more fine if you actually believed that.”

“I do,” Colin said as Ryan pulled him close. He ran his fingers up Ryan’s chest, stopping to pick at a loose thread sticking out of the top button. “But I’m allowed to worry about you.”

Ryan shrugged, sifting his fingers through Colin’s hair and then smoothing it back. “At least my kids are talking to me.”

Colin’s smile dropped. “Point.”

“Oh no, no, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“No, it’s okay. I know.” Colin hurriedly smiled again and lifted his arms to wrap around Ryan’s neck, staring up into his eyes.

Ryan grinned back, hugging Colin tight to him, brushing his nose against Colin’s. “We fucked up, didn’t we?”

“Yes.” Colin grinned wider. “But I’m glad.”

“We should have done this such a long time ago.”

“No regrets.” Colin pecked Ryan on the lips, laughing and pulling away when Ryan tried to deepen the kiss. “Not right now. We have a show to do.”

Ryan nodded, trying very hard to hide a wicked smile.

Colin just shook his head. “Ryan...”

“You know,” Ryan said, closing the distance between them, still fighting to keep a straight face, “I do like the idea of you being all hot and bothered throughout the show...”

“Do you now?”

“Mm...”

“Well then you’d better kiss me.”

“I don’t know...” Ryan flashed a cheeky grin and dropped a kiss on the tip of Colin’s nose. “Maybe I should make you wait.”

“Fuck that,” Colin growled. “I’ve been waiting for twenty five years.”

“Language,” Ryan admonished, or tried to rather, but Colin lunged forward halfway through the word to capture Ryan’s lips in a searing kiss, driving his tongue into Ryan’s mouth, pushing them back until Ryan bumped into the wall. A moment later he pulled back, grinning, flushed and licking his lips.

“Now who’s hot and bothered?” He laughed, skipping out of reach when Ryan made to pull him back.

“You’re going to pay for that.”

Colin smiled, eyes shining in the fluorescent lights. He paused long enough to let himself be caught. “I look forward to it.”


End