Voices in my head chapter 3

[idmv84.livejournal.com]

I've drastically changed the ending of this chapter from what I originally wrote - maybe not for the better, but I just don't want to end it with chapter four, so that's why. There's more fun to be had ;) Warnings etc. under the cut!

Title: Voices in my Head

Paring: Ryan/Colin, a little bit of Ryan/Greg - the latter is only a kiss is this chapter, sorry.
Rating: NC-17 overall for language and some explicit mature material. I just rate it this way so that no one can blame me for not warning them ;)  In this chapter nothing more than swearing and touches&kisses.

Warnings: M/M sex, angst, language, AU, rather dark. Just consider yourself warned. Disclaimer: This is fiction! The characters are loosely based on the WLIIA actors, but are still the result of my twisted little mind. As is the plot.

Summary: Ryan finds himself visiting his best friend in a psychiatric hospital and looks back on what happened, while trying to deal with the situation of the here and now.

Chapter 3

 

Greg and I had had a long talk in which we mostly discussed all that I had missed while taking care of Colin. All the news truly stunned me and before long Greg had me agreeing to accompany him to several parties to reacquaint myself with my neglected friends. Secretly I was grateful for the fact Greg was too horror-struck by seeing Colin to want to talk about him, because it gave me some respite. The best part was when Greg invited me to a lunch with Wayne and Drew who had apparently been asking about me a lot. Unknowingly Greg had done me a favour by setting me up with Wayne. Of course, I still got to work on making Wayne invite me to his home, but I had had the feeling that was going to be the easiest part and as it turned out, I was right. During yesterday’s lunch I played a game no one knew I was playing and they all reacted so predictable it was scary. It was almost as if I could read their minds so good I was getting at reading body language. Anyway, it’s why I found myself together with Greg on comfortable recliners in Wayne’s own backyard now. It was as if the man was glued to my ass. It had only been four days since my visit to the hospital and Greg had yet to leave my side. Once he actually followed me into the bathroom and I had to tell him to bugger off otherwise I think he might have stayed – and watched me? Best not think about what could’ve happened. As I had already figured, being invited was freaking easy, fulfilling Colin’s assignment was going to be rather difficult with Greg looking over my shoulder all the time. Wayne can possibly distract Greg for a little while. Not such a bad idea, it would take care of the both of them while I searched for the diary. 

Nothing came to mind with which I could make the two of them talk amongst themselves for a bit so I did the only thing I knew that would work. I mentioned Colin. Actually, I said I was going to call the hospital to get an update, that it could take a little while and wanted to make the call in private. If it was okay for me to use Wayne’s study for some privacy? Wayne practically jumped up to show me the way and I had to cover up my smile at his eagerness to be there for his suffering friend. Armed with my cell phone I entered the cluttered study, thanked Wayne for letting me use it and waited for him to leave before I locked the door. My heart sank as I took in the mess. How would I find one particular item when the entire room was littered with paper and books? Then my heart jumped at the sound of footsteps in the hall, passing me by. Probably Greg trying to listen in on my conversation with Colin’s doctor. At least my heart was getting some exercise.

After pondering for a little while I decided I could as well make an actual call for that way I wasn’t lying to my friends. Besides, that pitiful seed of hope that had grown within me needed to be squashed by hearing from Col’s doctor that nothing has changed. As quietly as possible I was rummaging through piles of paper, checking the single bookcase in the corner, when finally a secretary answered my call and connected me to the doctor I asked for. The only thought in my mind was why I was, per request of a mentally ill man, searching for a dark red diary? I must be losing it.

“Mr. Stiles?”

“That’d be me,” I replied, “Just calling in for an update. I didn’t have much time a couple of days ago to properly discuss anything really so…” I didn’t mean to trail of and luckily it didn’t happen halfway through an important sentence, but my free hand had come to rest on a bizarrely shaped dark red booklet. What book is a pentagon alike? As I lifted the cover and proceeded to flip a number of pages I realised this thing was what I’d been looking for. I was so engrossed with finding the data Col had given me I nearly missed that the doctor was telling me about Colin’s improved behaviour of the past days. That Col appeared to be less depressed. That for the first time since his admittance he had written a couple of words on paper to request permission to be allowed to walk around the gardens more.

“However, we could not mention his request to him without causing the patient to fall back on his well-known methods of dealing with reality. I take it you are aware which methods I’m talking about. In my personal opinion, I think your visit has done him good, especially after a period of rest. This brings me to the following, your own demand to come by more often than once every three months.”

Don’t tell me, I can’t come. But he’s doing a little better, surely this means they will allow you to visit more.

“After conferring with the team of we’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no reason to keep to our former agreement. Mr Stiles?”

“Mmm, yeah?”

“Is there anything else you wanted to discuss concerning Mr. Mochrie or shall we move on to our own session we planned for this week?”

“I think I will skip it this time thanks.” I felt it was absolutely unnecessary for me to engage in one of the phone sessions I had agreed to since that damned day of the breakdown. Besides, I was on a mission.

“Let me remind you then that talking about what’s going on in one’s life in therapy isn’t limited to discussing only the depressing matters but the good things as well.”

“I’ll certainly remember that. If you’ll excuse me, I have to return to my friends who are probably wondering what the hell I’m doing. Good day.”

“Good day to you too Mr. Stiles.”

At last! Time to use my phone to take photo’s of the diary entries. Jeez, I had never noticed exactly how illegible Wayne’s handwriting was. In total I had to make over twenty pictures because of the strange form of the book and the tiny scribbles that cluttered the pages. What the hell was written on these days that was so important to Colin? Quickly deciphering some of the script a terrible guilt washed over me. I was reading a very private passage here and it didn’t sit well with me. Then don’t read it. A soft hesitant knock drew my attention away from the diary, but before I moved to the door I made sure I left everything the way I had found it. At least I hoped I did. I opened the door and of course it was Wayne for Greg would not have waited to patiently. Greg would’ve hollered from the other side of the door.

“You okay Ryan?”

“I’m fine Wayne, thanks for letting me take my time man. Appreciate it.” I put my arm around his shoulders and together we returned to where he had left Greg. Apparently they had moved back inside. One look out of the window was all I needed to understand why. What puzzled me were the concerned looks I was receiving from both my friends.

“What?” I asked as sank down on a comfortable lounge chair. When no reply came I repeated myself.

“Well,” Wayne started obviously unsure whether or not to proceed, “how’s Colin?”

Ah. I glanced at Greg who tried his hardest to appear neutral, but I knew he had told Wayne about the glimpse he’d gotten of Colin. Now they were both worried. “They’re actually positive about how he’s doing at the moment. Even wrote a note this week so he’s definitely improving.” The memory of my visit plastered a big smile on my face and I’m sure I looked kinda goofy. Only I knew how much Colin had improved. Again hope rushed forward pushing away my negative prospects for the future. Damn it, hope scared me to death, because I’m sure I don’t how to cope with another blow in the face. It seemed like every time I had dared to hope fate came round to crash it to pieces. Try not to think about that.

“Ryan? I’m not sure how to ask you this so I’m just gonna say it. Is there a chance of him ever getting outta there? I mean, they say that after you’ve been institutionalised for longer than year your chances of getting back into society lessen considerably.”

“Colin hasn’t been there for that long Wayne.” I snapped. Never mind the fact I dashed my own hopes as much as I could, but for others to try to help me get rid of the little bit I had left… That stung. “And of course he’s gonna come back, it’ll just take some time and when he does I’ll be there for him the way I’m here for him now!” I got up to move around, unable to sit still with all this pent up anger threatening to spill out.

“Ryan, we too want to believe Colin’s gonna overcome his problems, but it’s rather serious you have to admit that much.” Greg tried to make eye contact with me, but I avoided it easily. “It will take time,” he continued, “then again, it’s already been going on for quite a while as well. Don’t get me wrong, naturally you wanna be there for him, we all know he was your best friend, but it’s not good for you. You need to get out more like in the last couple of days. That’s all we’re trying to say my friend, that’s all. We want to be there for you, help you take your mind off things if even for nothing more than an hour.”

Wow, wasn’t Greg the picture of considerate. No matter how right he was on the issue of me getting out more the speech was really infuriating me. “Was my best friend Greg? WAS?” I bit down on knuckles to prevent myself from saying things I would come to regret later on. Well, I also welcomed the sting because it made it easier to keep the moist that tried to flood my eyes under control. This whole ‘being emotional way too easily’ was bothering me. “Know what? I’m going to let it slide. You two have no idea what you’re talking about. You haven’t been there for him and can’t begin to comprehend the situation ‘cause you don’t know the facts. I don’t care that you all seem to think that because I took Colin into my home that it’s somehow my fault you guys don’t know shit. Tell yourselves that if it makes you feel better. Blame me for not being able to support Colin the way friends should. Blame me for taking care of him, for being a friend. In fact, I’m the only friend he’s got and I will not abandon him. I don’t need to hear from you guys what you think I’m doing wrong. I’m going home.”

With that I stormed out into the pouring rain without a coat, ignoring my friends. Stubbornly I refused to come back in, waiting by the car, even though I didn’t have the car keys. When Greg tried to force me to get back into Wayne’s place by saying I could either be childish and stay out there or come in, because he wasn’t coming out and wasn’t going to give me the keys, I did the most childish thing I could think of to spite him. I started to walk home, knowing full well that by the time I’d reached it I’d be so seriously cold that it might result in me suffering from a fever and what not before the day was gone. Hiking through a cold shower for about four hours would certainly have done the trick. However, I was beyond caring. You should care. You promised Colin to take better care of yourself. I closed my eyes as I stopped walking, giving Greg a chance to catch up. If I hadn’t thought of my promise to Colin I certainly would have walked all the way home.

“Ryan!” Greg yelled, sounding more scared than mad, which surprised me.

Turning my head enough to look back over my shoulder I saw him hanging out of the car window, approaching me fast. The car’s tyres slipped on the wet asphalt to bring the vehicle to a halt right next to where I was standing.

“I’m only getting in if you drive me back to my place Greg,” I said, glowering at him.

We stared each other down, both refusing to give in to the other.

 

Greg ended up driving me home. He cursed me and didn’t stop cursing me all the way to my place, but I was home now. If I hadn’t promised Colin I’d look after myself a little better I’d have refused to get into the car with Greg even after he had finally relented and agreed to take me wherever I wanted, but now that I was home I was secretly thankful he’d come after me. After days of spending practically all my time with him though I longed to be alone for an evening so I stopped Greg from entering. My hand rested on his chest and I was surprised by how many thoughts I had about me kissing him to soften the blow of pushing him out again into the rain. Just one kiss so he knows you’re not mad at him. Before I could stop myself I leaned forward and was pressing my lips to Greg’s. It amazed me that he let me do this, that he simply closed his eyes and allowed me to do what I did without trying to deepen the kiss or pull back. I didn’t close my eyes, I was busy gauging his reaction. Another thing that I noticed was how incredibly warm he felt. His lips were positively burning hot against my own and he seemed to radiate heat, warming up my hand, make that both my hands – when did my other hand join in? – which rested on his shirt. By all means it should’ve been the other way round. My heart was positively pounding in my chest and the longer the kiss lasted, the need to breathe became more urgent. I pulled back and couldn’t bring my self to smile though had I not been so sad about shoving Greg out of the door I probably would have.

“You can’t come in Greg, I’m sorry. I really want to be alone tonight. Don’t think I don’t know how concerned you are about me, but I’ve done well enough for so long…don’t start doing yourself what you’ve been accusing me of.”

“That would be?”

“Putting yourself aside to help out a friend who you think needs you. So go home Greg, I’ll call you tomorrow.” I paused, this time I managed a rather genuine smile. “You’re unusually quiet Greg, maybe I should kiss you more often just to shut you up from time to time.”  

He visibly pulled himself together, cocked his head to the side while raising one eyebrow in a silent challenge to kiss him again and I laughed, gently pushing him away from me.

“You’re not that great a kisser Stiles, it may have worked this time because you caught me off guard. Next time I’ll be ready and will be teaching you what a real kiss is!”

“Sure you are.” I gave him a playful shove and he took the hint. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” I told his back. He slightly turned his head. Enough anyway to show me a naughty grin.

“Can’t wait.”

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and I laughed again as I watched him take off. It’s been too long since you laughed out loud. Indeed, it was almost overdue. And it felt good.

 

Colin did seem a little happier when I dropped by two days after having been to Wayne’s, as I had promised to do as soon I had the copies from the diary. Getting the photos I’d taken developed had been tricky. I certainly hadn’t known how to and I ended up going to a store for advice. I should’ve known that that’s all they were good for, advice. Some youngster who was barely old enough to be working had tried to explain to me how to get stuff from my cell to my computer only to be taken aback when I asked what if there was any other way for I didn’t own one. Turned out he wasn’t quite sure of what to do in that case, but I could still buy a cable so that maybe someone else who did own a computer could help me out. His last advice, try a picture development store or something resembling such a business. Armed with my new cable I had gone off in search of just such a place. After several hours of trying all the wrong places I had given up hope. I had made a deal with myself to go to one more place before going home defeated and of course that last small store that didn’t look professional at all but could do what I wanted them to do, without the bloody cable. In hindsight I’m still not sure what made me walk into that particular shop, apart from the fact that it felt right to do so.

We were walking down the same path as last time, the one that led all the way to the more secluded part and Colin was obviously anxious.

Can’t wait to see those copies.

I was telling him about my time with Greg and which people I had seen in the past week, updating Colin on all of their lives in pretty much the same way I had been by Greg, Drew and Wayne only giving him the short version without as much detail as I had been given. It really wasn’t necessary to update Col on everyone’s sex lives now was it?

“Did you bring me the photocopies?”

We must have been safe enough where we were, at least out of hearing reach, because we hadn’t quite reached our destination yet. For a whole week I had waited and longed to hear his voice, though now that I did it annoyed me immensely he didn’t bother to even say ‘hi’ or anything. I guess I was nothing more than an errand boy.

Of course you’re not just an errand boy. You of all people should know what you mean to me.

I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. As of late I sometimes had the strangest thoughts, scaring me a little. Hadn’t I read somewhere that it was a symptom of schizophrenia? I rubbed a hand over my face, smoothing out the lines that tended to appear magically every time I got stuck worrying about stuff.

“I got them Colin,” I sighed, “Hey, by the way, hello to you too, you look a little better than last I saw you, thanks for asking me how I’ve been! Maybe they can teach you manners again for you seem to have forgotten them completely.”

It had left my mouth and instantly I wished I hadn’t said it. From previous experience, Colin had always reacted poorly when I pointed out to him he wasn’t being sociable and likeable, the way he’d always been before getting sick. In fact, at some point it was a sure way of making him turn inward for days. I cringed, hardly daring to see his reaction, afraid of having to tell the doctors later that I caused Colin to panic or something. Then they’d revoke my new visiting rights. There was that blow I just knew I wasn’t going to be able deal with. A gentle hand landed on my shoulder and I gasped as I jumped up in shock.

“I’m sorry Ryan. I didn’t mean to startle you and I most certainly didn’t mean to…distress you either. Are you catching your breath again?”

“You almost gave me a heart attack Col!”

“Like I said, I didn’t mean to.”

He pulled me closer and wrapped both arms around me. Damn it felt good to be held for once. I too embraced him and the hug was all I needed to relax.

“I could’ve sworn you’d freak out on me after what I just said,” I mumbled as I pressed him closer to me and moved so that I could speak directly into his ear. He shivered from feeling my breath brush past it. “Instead I sorta freak out on you, how fair’s that?”

“I don’t mind it Ry, really. I…”

One short instant he lay his head on my shoulder and buried his face in my neck in much the same way he had done on my couch months ago. Then it had resulted in him sucking on my neck till my skin was marked with hickies and it had led to sex.

It was a good thing he chose that moment to put some distance between us because I felt my body begin to react to the hot memory combined with his closeness. With Colin pressed firmly against my body in a hug he certainly would notice.

“The diary copies, could I please take a look at them Ry? It’s really important to me. I didn’t intend to immediately ask you for them, but I can’t wait a second longer. Please?”

Who could possibly say no to Col’s anxious, begging puppy look? I removed them from my pocket and held out the folded papers to Colin, who all but snatched them out of my hands. He wasted no time opening them and his eyes shot back and forth over the pages, reading. When he sank down, sitting rather awkwardly in the dirt, I kneeled next to him, knowing he must have found what he was looking for. I knew what was written there. I hadn’t been able to keep my curiosity under control and after I had made enlarged prints I read all of the sheets. Apart from thinking it curious what Wayne had entered into his diary, I hadn’t found anything that made me understand why Colin so desperately needed to read it.

I moved to pull him up of the ground and into a comforting hug, but landed instead in the dirt like him as he tugged my outstretched arm hard. In no time he was all over me, kissing me, touching me. Something wet landed on my face and I opened my eyes, finding myself on my back on the ground looking up. Colin was smiling down on me, but there were tears falling from his eyes too. Carefully I placed a hand behind his head and pressed until his head rested on my chest. He was laughing and crying at the same time and I didn’t know what else to do but hold him. It took a while before he calmed down and I just thought I could lay like this forever, doing nothing else but treasuring the moment and listening to him, feeling him in my arms.

“Ry?”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t want to upset you Ry, but I have something to tell you. Actually show you. And if you’re okay with it I’m sure it will make our bond stronger.” He tried to get up, remove himself from my arms, but failed as I refused to let him go. I smirked as Colin flailed a little while trying to lift himself off me. I simply continued to hold him firmly against my chest.

“Col, can’t you show me whatever it is from here?” I grumbled to make him stop moving around so much. The way my body was beginning to respond was highly inappropriate to say the least. Thankfully he gave up and even laid his head down again.

“Ry, I’m afraid of showing you, of telling you. It’s harder than I anticipated actually,” he whispered.

I felt him swallow hard. Since he wasn’t trying to get away from me anymore I allowed one hand to stroke his back instead of keeping him down.

“I’m not going anywhere Colin, don’t you know that by now?” I planted a kiss on top of his head. “Whatever it is, I’ll not run away screaming.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah, I do. Now speak up or suffer the consequences my friend,” I said, feeling his silent chuckle as he realised I was threatening to tickle him. When Colin remained silent I couldn’t help but wonder if he was going to be able to handle telling me about this issue he wanted to show me. Before I could ask him if it wasn’t better to postpone telling me he answered my unspoken question.

“Ryan, I know I can do this, just give me a little time.”

“Take all the time you need Col, today I don’t have appointments elsewhere. Hey, I’ll keep telling you this over and over until you believe me, I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s just something I fear.

“What can I do to do make it go away Col?” I had expected a response, a spoken answer, not a passionate kiss. I let him because it feels so good. But I had to break away, not only to catch my breath, but also to get a explanation. “What did I do to deserve that?” This time when he tried to raise his head I let him. He sat up, pulling me with him into that position. He cupped my face, looked me straight in the eye, stole another kiss and then just continued to stare at me.

This. This is what you’re doing. Listening to me. I’m not talking, yet you’re hearing me as clearly as if I had. You’re still here for me while anyone else would’ve left me to rot in this place ages ago. I made you do horrible stuff for me and I have behaved like a real jerk, say ninety per cent of the time. No friend should have to…take care of anyone the way you’ve cared for me. To see how much you’re willing to do for me makes my heart want to burst. I’ve been the most horrible friend and

“Stop right there. I’m sure that whatever I did you’d’ve done yourself had our places been reversed. I don’t know why you always feel like you need to put yourself down. No one I know thinks as low of you as you do. Once I tried to explain this to one of your doctors and he told me it usually serves as a defence mechanism, a sort of do unto yourself before others do whatever to you. Col, I will never, absolutely never, think of you anything less than that you’re one of the best and most loving people I’ll ever know, so stop beating yourself up on my behalf. Now, tell me I’m not losing my mind. ‘Cause I can indeed hear you loud and clear yet your lips aren’t moving. Have you improved your ventriloquist’s skills or what?”

“No, Ry. I’m probably the lousiest ventriloquist on earth.” He smiled sadly.

“You’re doing it again, putting yourself down, one more comment on how badly you suck and I swear I will show you what true sucking is, got that?” I waited for him to nod. “Good, now tell me then what’s going on?”

“I kinda hoped you’d have figured it out by now, for I really don’t feel like spelling it out. But I guess you need to hear me say it. Please, don’t freak out on me!”

“Col…just get on with it and tell me.” I had a gut feeling that I indeed already knew what it was that Colin was trying to tell me. He was right when he said I needed to hear him say it out loud. Not that actually hearing it would make me believe him.

 “I can hear other people’s thoughts and make them hear mine.”

“That’s impossible Col, those things only happen in comics, movies, fiction, it isn’t part of reality. What’s real is that people need to communicate to understand one another because they cannot look inside each other’s heads. They talk, they write notes, they make signs and gestures! Whatever you think you hear are those damned voices that belong to your schizophrenia. Tisn’t real, no matter what you tell yourself. Once you get out of this place you’ll be able to think back of this conversation and laugh. Telepathy, which is what you mean, is a fucking myth. Nothing more, nothing less.” By this time I wasn’t sure anymore who I was trying to convince. I wanted to hang on to what I had always believed, that there’s no such a thing as mindreading. But a nagging voice in the back of my own head told me I knew there could be truth to what Colin had said. As I felt Colin’s finger tips underneath my chin, lifting it, I became aware I had been staring at my feet. His lips brushed against mine and I closed my eyes, letting the physical sensation of the kiss replace all thought.

You know I told you the truth. Deal with it in any way you like. Denying it out loud like you just did is fine with me as long as you don’t block me out. You are receiving my thoughts right now. Open your eyes. Please. Look at me?

I did as I think I was told, doubting whether Colin hadn’t actually said something and simply staring into his eyes.

I’m gonna kiss you now and I will continue to ‘speak’ with you in this manner wherever you are. Are you okay with that?

I nodded, unsure whether I should speak or if Col just got his answers from my mind. He pressed his lips to mine gently and I relished the feeling. My thoughts drifted from previously shared kisses between us two to the last time I had kissed my wife. I felt Colin break away from me and I just knew it was because I had thought of Pat. I’d have to start guarding my thoughts around Col. Briefly I thought about what all our future conversations would look like and it made me uneasy to think of not hearing his voice and yet talking with him.

Let me make you a promise. Only if necessary I will speak with you this way. On every other occasion I’ll just talk normally with you. And I’ll not start digging in your memories or something, even if I knew how to okay? And I’ll try to butt in as little as possible. Deal?

Truly, his lips were sealed as I heard his words and I wondered if I had possibly heard his thoughts before.

“You have Ry.”

“For how long have I been hearing your thoughts Col?” As Colin refused to meet my eyes I realised it must have been for quite some time. “Col? How long?” I urged him to tell me, needing to know.

“Ryan…” he breathed, “Ry…” He paled considerably, looking like all the blood had left his face, he was clenching his hands and could still not look in my direction. Inwardly I sighed because I knew these signs. Whether he wanted me to or not, I pulled him in close, hugging him tightly to my chest while murmuring nonsensical calming words into his ear. If only I could tell what the hell was going on in his mind at times like these. Not a minute ago he was reassuring me and now he was nothing more than a quivering mess in my arms. His body was so tense it attracted my attention. The muscles in his arms and hands were cramping, causing a rather unnatural sight and from what I could see it must hurt like a bitch.

As I continued to talk to him I started to gently massage his cramped muscles. It took a long time before I got Colin to calm down enough so that he could at least control his own body again, but I saw how it had exhausted him. At least he was himself again, though not knowing what brought these fits about frightened and puzzled me. He looked asleep and I feared I’d have to carry him back to the hospital even it’d cost me my back. It never crossed my mind to call for help.

“Ry?” His soft voice startled me. I’d been so sure he was out of it. It shouldn’t have surprised me that something had changed since I last witnessed a similar bout. Never before had he spoken to me afterwards. I decided that at least was a good change.

“Why are you still with me?”

“I think I’m going to report memory loss Col, surely I told you before I wasn’t going anywhere?” I smiled at him, though my heart ached. He could barely keep his eyes open and I could tell his muscles were aching from their previous strain. I doubted his ability to walk straight, but the longer he rested the more colour returned to his face and the more I grew confident again I’d get him back to the ward without having to carry him. Keeping up the comforting stroking of his back I silently debated whether I should report this.  

“I can’t read you, you’re blocking me.”

“I’m not aware I was doing that Col, but maybe you’re just too tired. Come on, better get you back so you can rest a little.”

“I don’t want to go back just yet Ry. Let me enjoy another moment out here in the fresh air with you alright?”

“Do you maybe want to tell me what got you spooked enough to panic?”

“I wish I could tell you, but I…Ry I – ”

“’s okay Col, easy, breathe normally. Come one, deep, easy breaths, that’s it.” Damn, this was driving me insane. ‘This’ being the dealing with seemingly strong, stable Colin on one moment and dealing with panicked, unreachable Colin the next. Time for me to retreat for it was wearing me out quickly. First getting up from the dirt myself, I hoisted Colin up as well, steadying him as he swayed on his feet before finding his balance.

“Ryan?”

“Yeah Col?”

“I didn’t mean to. And I do want to tell you, it’s just…too soon for now. You understand?”

“I do.”

The fountain came into view as we slowly approached the building’s entrance and Colin stopped walking.

“Ryan, this may seem as weird a request as asking you to look something up for me in Wayne’s diary, but could you please not be alone?” After taking notice of my quizzical expression, he tried to explain what he meant. “I need you to have someone by your side all the time and I can’t do it. I can only be with you with my thoughts and that isn’t enough. Greg will probably gladly take care of watching over you. But you can’t tell him what’s going on. If you’ll let me I’ll be with you right here,” he said as he tapped with his index finger on my forehead, “and I’ll watch over you from there as best I can. Let Greg take care of you Ry. That way you’re pleasing not only Greg, but me too. Plus, you’ll have someone to take care of you for a change. You deserve a break, don’t you agree?”

“Col, I don’t want to – ”

“Just do it Ry, promise me please, for me?” He cupped my face, kissed me and released me again.

Thanks for letting me back in.

“No problem.” I chuckled as I realised he just tricked me into promising not to be alone for a while. Devious Colin. I looked at his face and couldn’t contain a laugh. “I’ll call Greg as soon as I’m home.”

“Good.”

It amused me to see how pleased he was with my answer. “I’ll see you soon, another promise from me to you.” This time I kissed him, which was a first and it made Colin smile so adorably I decided to maybe do it more often just to see his eyes light up.

But Colin’s knees buckled suddenly and I quickly delivered him to his ward so he could go sit or lie down.

This time as I left the building I was aware of not being alone. A piece of Colin was coming with me.