[identity profile] who-is-small.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] wl_fanfiction
Title: The Monster Manual
Author: who_is_small
Rating: R
Pairings: Chip/Jeff, Ryan/Greg
A/N: Written for Goblover. Gob, this is the best I could do with Chip and Jeff. Unbeated.
Word Count: 900+
Summary: What happens if you listen to Jeff Bryan Davis and start playing something else than poker on the tour bus?

04bestfriendship2012


It was a fine early October morning in Arizona. A tour bus was purring on its way along the highway, heading for New Mexico. Inside the bus sat four men in various stages of inebriation, playing a board game and having a bit of a discussion.

"What sort of a flaming monkeybrain idiot," asked Greg Proops from the left side of the table, lighting up another joint, "goes to a cave without a spare torch? I am looking at you, Stiles."

"Goddammit, why me? It's Jeff's kid shit game. Were it up to me, we'd be still playing poker."

"Dungeons and Dragons," said Jeff Bryan Davis, "is a noble game, requiring improvisation skills. Kid shit it may be, but if you are a man enough, you shall not feel emasculated." He adjusted the tiara on his head. It sparkled under the overhead light. "Which is why I am not afraid to call myself Princess Papillion Piri Piri Silver Sunrise Nando Chicken."

Greg smirked. "Well, you are not the only one here to name yourself after a takeaway container, in a desperate search for inspiration. What a sublime joy to work with the best improv wits in the country."

Both Jeff and Ryan shifted slightly in their chairs. "Hey, smartass," said Jeff, "you're the wizard. Don't you have a wand of fire, or something?"

"That I do," said Greg. "Whose go is it, Chip?"

"I prefer the appellation Master Esten," said Chip loftily, looking at his notes. "OK, Greg, you are lighting your wand. You now see that you are in yet another cave in a dungeon," Chip said, ignoring a growl of 'well quelle fucking surprise' from the left. "You see a treasure chest and a skeleton, hanging from the ceiling on chains. Three brutal thugs with wooden clubs are approaching briskly from the left."

"For god's sake, man, can't you think up something more original? Three thugs with clubs. Hrumpf. I thought this is supposed to be a mystical world, with dragons and shit."

"I am so sorry, Greg,“ said Chip sweetly, "I have misread that. It is four brutal thugs."

"Oh."

"Approaching briskly."

"You haven't misread that?"

"Nono, that one's fine."

Greg picked up the ten-sided dice, closed his eyes and kissed it. He rattled his cupped palms seven times for luck, and threw it with flourish.

It flew across the grid, knocked over a can of beer, fell on the floor and disappeared under the fridge.

"Damn!"

"The famous smartass wizard strikes again," said Chip and fished the dice out with a slipper. "One. Your spell backfires from the thugs shield and turns the lower part of your body into stone. The thugs laugh heartily and poise themselves to attack."

"Allow me, my friend," said Ryan, cracking his fingers. "Us blood elves can handle a thug or four. I reach for my Elven Thinblade, wishing I did not have such a sissy weapon in the first place, and whistling on a merry note, STAB! the bastard in the throat. One down, three to go."

"Ryan, I am both touched and turned on," announced Greg.

"Call me Ryavioli." Ryan threw the dice. "Oookay. Eluding the enemy, I am hoisting you over my shoulder and we are both slipping away to safety."

„You have left me,“ said princess Papillion, disbelieving. „You have actually left me here to face the motherfuckers alone, you syphilitic sons of a discarded piece of organic refuse that crawled out of a diseased buffalo's ass.“

There was a bit of respectful silence.

"Situation is serious, my lady," said Chip. "Throw your dice."

Jeff tipped his tiara rakishly over one ear, took a deep gulp of Scotch and did so.

"Three!" said the Dungeon Master. "What a lucky coincidence." He cleared his throat and sat up straight, shuffling his papers. "Ehm! The darkness of the cave suddenly flares up with golden light, as a thirty feet tall unicorn gallops in, accompanied by a flock of purple hummingbirds! His hooves kick the thugs to the ground, rendering them dead in a few seconds. The hummingbirds pick you up with their beaks, lowering you on the top of the mighty beast, who leaves the dungeon through a secret passage, making you the official Victor of the Crawl!"

All three men stared at him, speechless.

After a while, Ryan stirred. "…the fuck?" he said. "Fucking hummingbirds? With their fucking beaks? And what about the fucking unicorn, does it wear a fucking tutu?"

"It's from the new edition of the Monster Manual," said Chip hastily and stood up, pulling princess Papillion with him. "Totally legitimate. It's time to go to bed, anyway. My lady, allow me to escort you. Gentlemen." They both bowed with exaggerated dignity and disappeared in the direction of the beds, Jeff's tiara still perched on his head. Greg and Ryan watched them go.

Greg tipped the last drops of his vodka down his throat and stretched, long and lazy. "So, how about us?"

"Mmm. Yeah." Ryan stood up and clasped his hand, helping him up to his feet. His other palm slid along Greg´s back, lingering just above the curve of his ass, and then cupped him, drawing him close.

"So," Ryan murmured into Greg's ear, feeling their bodies gently thrumming as they pressed together. "I hear something about a wand of fire."

"Hmmm. It might backfire though. Mmm. Turn your… lower part… oh... to stone…"

"…you mind...?"

"Hell no."

And after that, they whispered and bit and sighed so quietly, that only an elf or a wizard would be able to hear the actual words.

It suited them both just fine.

- the end -


Date: 2012-11-02 02:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jie-jie.livejournal.com
Hee, this was very fun. I've never actually played Dungeons and Dragons...it sounds like the most random game ever. ^_^;;

Loved your Greg's voice in this by the way. Think you got him spot on. Nice work. :)

Date: 2012-11-02 02:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] natyu0815.livejournal.com
Teehee! Oh gosh. I loved this to pieces xD

You're a Harmontown fan, I assume? Wow. I simply can't get over the image of the four of them playing DnD together... xD Hillarious! And their names and responses and sdñlfmndlskgmlf <3 And Jeff with a tiara. Jeff with a tiara! That image made me giggle SO HARD xD


"Ryan, I am both touched and turned on," announced Greg. ---- Oh, Proops... xD



Great job, sweetheart! n_n

Date: 2012-11-02 08:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] natyu0815.livejournal.com
Oh, darling. You need to listen to the ones Greg was on. It was refreshing to listen to him outside the Proopcasts n_n (Tylenol with Codeine was the best one xD) OH, I'M JEALOUS! I wish I still had so much to listen, but I'm up to date with them, I'm afraid. I'm re-listening some random old ones, though xD

Gosh, you're a Proopkitten, Greg/Ryan shipper, great fic writer... I love you! <3

Oh, that he is. He is dead gorgeous! :D Did you see the pics of Jeff dressed up as Jareth for Halloween in Harmontown? AMAZING.

Date: 2012-11-06 03:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] natyu0815.livejournal.com
PLEASE listen to them and then tell me what you think :D

"Jeffrey, I want you to get inside of me."

Date: 2012-11-19 02:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] natyu0815.livejournal.com
OH GOD YES. When he was making the small noises, and then his deep voice during the podcast at points, and his take on the things they threw at him OH GOSH. XD

Oh, please, go ahead! Rape my PMs if you feel like it!!! :DD

Date: 2012-11-02 03:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rycolfan.livejournal.com
*sporfle* That's awesome! I can totally imagine it happening, too. The dialogue is spot-on! :P

Great job. :)

Date: 2012-11-02 04:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] goblover.livejournal.com
Aha! 'twas you! This was great, it was funny and a bit of sexy time thrown in at the end and just what I needed. Truly perfect for Halloween. And I loved the chip/Jeff AND the Greg/Ryan. This had great images and snappy dialogue that I really enjoyed and Jeff in a tiara drinking scotch? So perfect :-)

Thank you!!!

Date: 2012-11-02 04:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deaconite.livejournal.com
As someone who has actually played D&D, I found this especially hilarious. I love your Greg here, he's brilliant, but Jeff is equally funny.

Date: 2012-11-02 05:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deaconite.livejournal.com
Nah, don't worry, it works. I don't think the boys would be too interested in the proper rules.
My experiences with the game consist of a lot of arguing with the DM. Good times.

Date: 2012-11-02 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ocelotkitty.livejournal.com
Oh my G-d, this was amazing. I'm still over here laughing. The dialogue, I could hear it all in their voices as I read it, particularly Jeff's Greg's Ryan's hell, you've nailed everyone. And this line -- "Ryan, I am both touched and turned on," announced Greg -- very nearly caused my untimely demise.

I haven't been around the comm much lately (I was a member a few years ago under a different name), but I'm definitely going to be keeping an eye out for your stuff.

Date: 2012-11-03 04:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gorrlaus.livejournal.com
Hehee, so funny! I haven't played D&D but it seems to provide a good breeding ground for strange situations involving tiaras and flaming rod-puns, especially when combined with strong liquor. Looking forward to more of your writings! :D

Date: 2012-11-05 03:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] clayangel.livejournal.com
Hee. ^__^ This was the best. Gotta love the boys getting together and drinking and playing inane games. And D&D at that! Jeff's character name may just be the best thing ever. Seriously, though, this was so much fun, and these are two of my favorite pairings, too, so that made it even better. ^___^ Loved it. Just loved it.

Date: 2012-11-05 05:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fbrobey.livejournal.com
"Dungeons and Dragons," said Jeff Bryan Davis, "is a noble game, requiring improvisation skills. XD I love D and D, I play it with my sister, Dad, uncle and Cousin. I am a halfling thief. I am too cool!

""For god's sake, man, can't you think up something more original? Three thugs with clubs. Hrumpf. I thought this is supposed to be a mystical world, with dragons and shit.
"I am so sorry, Greg,“ said Chip sweetly, "I have misread that. It is four brutal thugs."" - LOL

"„You have left me,“ said princess Papillion, disbelieving. „You have actually left me here to face the motherfuckers alone, you syphilitic sons of a discarded piece of organic refuse that crawled out of a diseased buffalo's ass.“" Even louder laughing from this end :P

Loved this whole thing start to finish, it truly made my geeky heart soar! Thanks for posting XD

Date: 2012-11-08 12:50 pm (UTC)
marginaliana: Buddy the dog carries Bobo the toy (Bobo)
From: [personal profile] marginaliana
"I am so sorry, Greg,“ said Chip sweetly, "I have misread that. It is four brutal thugs."

*sporfle* Sometimes I wonder if the DM of my D&D game is secretly doing this!

And I love your Greg voice, too. <3 So much fun!

Date: 2012-11-09 09:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sungreen70.livejournal.com
Oh my god, this was complete awesomeness! I've never played D&D but my brother was into it when we were kids and I can remember hearing him and his friends saying things that made about as much sense to me as Jeff's hummingbirds.

Also, He adjusted the tiara on his head. It sparkled under the overhead light. "Which is why I am not afraid to call myself Princess Papillion Piri Piri Silver Sunrise Nando Chicken." totally made me spew. Ha!

Loved this! So funny, and leaves us knowing that tour bus sexytimes are about to commence.

Date: 2013-07-31 04:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] storyfan.livejournal.com
*cuddles funny, sweet fic and wishes for her own tiara*

So good to find you again, my friend. :)

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